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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 5:45:32 PM | Having an affair or dating a married man? Why tell the wife?
I wanted to post my own feelings on this solely because I don't understand why women/a woman would even consider telling a man's wife, if you're that woman he dated and/or had an affair with. Even if he's lied to you.... let it go....
I was seeing a married man. I had an affair with him. It was the closest relationship that I've had in my entire life. It was the "best" of the best. I experienced a certain quality of intimacy with him that I will never encounter again in my life; this I know. It was absolutely beautiful in all aspects of love and sex. I chose to move on in my life. I decided I wanted more for myself. There are those out there that say, "That's horrible! How can you sleep with a married man?" This man is sensual; he is loving. He "is" a wonderful man. Yes, he cheated on his marriage; that's something that he has to live with. I will always cherish him and what we shared; and, no one will make me feel guilty for doing so.
What I don't understand is why some of these women insist on running to the wife! Women have the desire to ruin a man's marriage because they want to either get even with them or to prove that they had the last say? Think twice about why you want to tell his wife. You may sabotage yourself into thinking you're getting some sort of satisfaction in an attempt to ruin his/their life. What you've actually accomplished is humiliating yourself. You haven't actually "boosted" your self-esteem. It just bottomed out!
My opinion? It takes a better woman to walk away. The wife is innocent. You hold your head up and walk away like a lady. If you have any "true" sense about men, it's very evident that a man is married. Being a woman we sometimes are blinded by the fantasies to notice the characteristics that are staring right at us. That man will live with the guilt; and, they do whether "we" want to believe that or not. Life has a way of making us pay for our sins; it happens in mysterious ways; ways that we may not understand or see at that particular point in time. It's not for "us" to charge him with penalties. He will be charged in his own time; in his own way.
Ending this relationship was very hard on me. Yet, I know I've survived life's struggles to this day. I will survive this "bump in the road". Hurt can cause us pain; but, it's through the pain that we grow and learn. It can work to our advantage if we see the positive side of our struggles and not focus on what's hurting in the moment. Each ending has a new beginning.
The next time you think about trying to "get even" with a married man or just a loved one in general for causing you hurt, please think about what your actions will cause and how you will feel as a result of those actions. We just need to learn how to stand tall in the face of fear. Most often times than not.... anger; jealousy; and resentment are all based on our fears of rejection and being alone. This all goes back to learning to love ourselves.
The fact is affairs happen daily. Regardless of whether you say you wouldn't have an affair with a married person. You don't know. You may meet that one man or woman that takes your breath away; your defenses and beliefs crumble. You become attracted; attached; before you realize it, you fall in love. Please don't be so judgmental. You don't know unless you've experienced it. And, please don't say dating a married person is off limits.... Again, you don't know until you've experienced that connection. A person doesn't go out and consciously say, "I'm looking for a married partner". Think about it.
Food for thought~ | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:05:03 PM | Yep, the wife or husband is innocent. So why the heck would anyone with a modicum of human kindness allow an innocent person to have unprotected sex in what they believe is a committed relationship and take a chance on an STD? And while the cheater is out having a close, intimate relationship, the spouse is at work, or at home alone without the close, intimate relationship they have every right to expect.
Sorry, I don't see anything wonderful about an illicit relationship. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:12:47 PM | Not saying anyone would/should, but I do wonder why the poor wife should be living a lie, just because someone else decides for her that she should? Umm, it's her marriage, not yours, and she should have a say.
A person doesn't go out and consciously say, "I'm looking for a married partner". Think about it.
I don't need to think about it. You cannot walk through a door you haven't opened, can you? No. These things don't "just happen", they happen because someone "shows up" and opens the freaking door to it! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:15:03 PM |
My opinion? It takes a better woman to walk away.
My opinion?It takes a better woman not to become involved in the first place. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:17:33 PM | So you think you're a 'better' woman for not telling the wife of the man you had an affair with. And you ask people not to be judgemental about your behaviour!! Deluded self-justification. If a woman told me she had an affair with my husband I would thank her for it. You are bringing real bad karma upon yourself and I can 100% categorically state that I would NOT under any circumstances have an affair with a married person because I have morals, integrity and self-control. I recently met someone I really clicked with, incredible chemistry and connection. Had I not discovered he was married I would definitely have had a relationship with him, but as soon as I knew, end of story... do unto others - think about it. What happened to the sisterhood?  | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:22:24 PM | I cant tell you how much this post hits home with me right now, and how much I agree with you... athough had I read it 2 months ago I wouldnt have! I recently learned that the relationship I have been in for 3 years was with someone who was married. Your definitely right when you say the clues are all in our face, but we alter what we see out of fantasies! Thats exactly what I did. I had no intention of being with a man who is already taken, and truthfully overlooked the obvious because I was so taken by this man, and overwhelmed with my feelings for him. To some degree I was in denial because I just couldnt handle living out my life without him. I have only just learned of his life circumstances in the past few weeks, and I can honestly say it has been incredibly tough to face, but nonetheless, I wouldnt think of ratting him out to his wife. I truly believe that people act a certain way for a reason. Obviously things in a persons relationship arent right if they are out having an affair. There are many different circumstances that could be affecting this, and you are totally right, it is not for us to lay out the penalty. Just because I wouldnt go to his wife doesnt mean Im not angry and hurt, because I m definitely very disturbed and hurt over this... but that is directed at him, not at his wife, and I believe the chances are, the same hints that were in my face, are also in hers. Any woman who knows her man enough can certainly pick up on the signs of cheating. I think she should be the judge, and he can live with the guilt that Im sure he must feel.
In my own situation, Ive tried to stay with him, but I just cant at this time because of how strong I feel for him, and although he has told me he loves me, he isnt able to say he is leaving his current situation and will be with me. If I had that comittment from him, I would have definitely stayed with him, but right now it seems the risk is too high, as Im not preparend or willing to stay indefinitely to end up alone in the end of it all. Each situation is different, like all people are different. I dont think anyone can ever say never... because I know I never thought I would have ever ended up in this situation! | |
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1john1
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Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:26:17 PM | I knew a man happily married for 30 years.
He constantly had little affairs here and there.
I know it kept his marriage alive. He would feel
invigorated and bring that positive energy back
into the relationship.
I cannot imagine having a strong sex drive and only
having sex with the same person for 40 years. oh. my. god.
Women can NOT understand this. Flame away,
but, it really really is pointless.
We are literally built differently, it's pointless
to moralize over this issue.
To him, it was literally 'just sex'... he loved his wife,
but, got bored sexually? Hey, it happens. | |
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lorie1
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Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:27:04 PM | I re read your post.~And I still think you are living in a dream world,when you wrote it.
You're obviously very intelligent, you write well.
What I don't see is how smart your thinking is .
Intelligence about honest feelings dosen't add up to real wisdom.
Personally, I suspect you have to do a bit of individual algebra,to add up to your own personal equasion.
You are presenting to us your own emotional mathematics,and it obviously isn't adding much to the human equasion of straight thinking.
Come back in about what ever number of years it takes you,to realise the meaning of the statment "when the shoe is on the other foot".
Why on earth did you feel the need to write this and post it in a forum?Was it to further brainwash yourself before hitting the reality of what you got from all this ,is in fact, nothing to account for in real life for you?
More anaesthetic?
Good grief!!!! | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:31:11 PM | | cherry_on_top, big difference between your situation and the OP's. She knew from the outset that he was married; you found out after a few years, and promptly ended it. | |
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MISS13
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Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 14 | |
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MISS13
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Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 15 | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:43:06 PM | You're right John. Women don't understand and "they" are the main reason that men seek affairs. After 30 years of marriage, marriage becomes stale. So? I guess what this "might" be saying is? You may not know your spouse is having an affair; that's why it's an affair. lol
Here's some statistics:
It's tough to get a handle on how many of us are having affairs, given the inherent secrecy.
* 22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.
* 14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.
* Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.
* 70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity.
* 5 percent of married men and 3 percent of married women reported having sex with someone other than their spouse in the year1997.
* 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.
* 90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.
* 50 percent of Americans say President Clinton's adultery makes his moral standard "about the same as the average married man,'' according to a Time-CNN poll.
* 61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United states; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.
* 17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.
* Source: Associated Press
* Up to 37% of men and 22% of women admit to having affairs. Researchers think the vast majority of the millions of people who visit chat rooms, have multiple "special friends”. Dr. Bob Lanier, askbob.com
* Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)
* Only 46% of men believe that online affairs are adultery. DivorceMag
* 80% think it's Ok to talk with a stranger identified as the opposite sex. 75% thinks it's ok to visit an adult site.
* About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage "Monogamy Myth", Therapist Peggy Vaugn
* About 24 percent of men and 14 percent of women have had sex outside their marriages, according to a Dec. 21, 1998 report in USA Today on a national study by the University of California, San Francisco.
* Affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples, according to counselor Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair,as reported by the Washington Post on March 30, 1999. Ten percent of extramarital affairs last one day, 10 percent last more than one day but less than a month, 50 percent last more than a month but less than a year, but 40 percent last two or more years. Few extramarital affairs last more than four years.
* A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed eventually married their lovers.
* Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include: intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the affairee.
* One-third of divorce litigation is caused by online affairs. This Is An Internet E-Mergency, The Fortino Group
* Approximately 70% of time on-line is spent in chat rooms or sending e-mail; of these interactions, the vast majority are romantic in nature. Dr. Michael Adamse, PhD., co-author of Affairs of the Net: The Cybershrinks' Guide to Online Relationships
* Because of the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of Internet sexual resources, the computer can accelerate the transition from "at risk" to "addicted," as well as the progression of sex addiction in those with a history of prior sexual compulsivity. Cooper et al Survey
* 8-10 percent of Internet users become hooked on cybersex. Dr. Bob Lanier, askbob.com
* Spouses who get hooked on Internet porn are a growing complaint among spouses filing for divorce, according to a survey of 350 divorce attorneys. "If there's dissatisfaction in the existing relationship, the Internet is an easy way for people to scratch the itch," said lawyer J. Lindsey Short, Jr., president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which conducted the study.
* 57% of people have used the Internet to flirt.
* 38% of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversation and 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.
* Evidence proves there is a high correlation between on-line infidelity and subsequent real-time sexual affairs.
* Evidence supports the existence of disinhibition, accelerated intimacy, and hyper-sexual online behavior that can easily lead to real-time infidelity
* 31% of people have had an online conversation that has led to real-time sex.
* It is estimated that 53% of all people will have one or more affairs during their lifetime.
* Look at the numbers from Playboy Magazine:
* -2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit they have sexual thoughts about co-workers.
* -86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.
* -75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with.
* The fact is that human beings are NOT monogamous by nature. That means they cheat.
* Experts say that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheating lover. Adultery statistics state that 85% of woman who feel their lover is cheating are correct. 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. The first clue is seldom obvious. Typically, it's a "feeling" that something is different.
* Cheating spouse statistics confirm that 50 and 70 percent of married men (between 38 and 53 million men) have cheated or will cheat on their wives. One study found that 2/3 of the wives (26 to 36 million women) whose husbands were cheating had no idea their husbands were having an affair - largely because they failed to recognize the telltale signs.
* According to Annette Lawson, author of Adultery, published in 1989 by Basic Books. "The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty." According to Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners, first published in 1987 by Random House, re-issued in 1996 by Ballentine.
* "Most experts do consider the 'educated guess' that at the present time some 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by the age of 40 to be a relatively sound and reasonable one." According to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, first published in 1989 by Newmarket Press (third edition published 2003).
* Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."
Note that the above adultry statistics of the prevalence of affairs were made more than a decade ago; so based on changes in society during the intervening years, the current percentage of the population who have had affairs is probably somewhat HIGHER. For instance, the continuing increase of women in the workplace and the increase of women having affairs on the Internet means that the numbers for women having affairs is probably similar to those for men—about 60%. | |
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lorie1
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Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 17 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:45:25 PM | Hey Miss13,up there above my current post.
Thanks for the comment you made,it gives me some faith for straight thinking!,~some "ladies" don't know the difference between being a lady,and being a "curly tailed thing"that thinks she is a lady,and writes to further try and re fashion herself as something to fit her imagination....
What a dumbo OP is.First time I have seen someone post such an obvious display of supreme stupidity online,and,she is so eloquent about it!'That alone,I found impressive,and so sublimely ridiculous.... | |
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lorie1
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Joined: 5/23/2006
Msg: 18 | |
| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:49:16 PM | | Wow,She's really tying hard to keep her face up....In the 10 mins. it took me to write my little posting up above,suddenly OP wrote another novel to ease herself out of one layer of discomfort to get more comfortable in being an adultress... | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:50:41 PM |
Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."
And your point is ....?
Most do it, so the majority wins, and it should be condoned, even applauded?
Or, you want it both ways? Marriage is wonderful with the right man or woman, but when the sh!t hits the fan, it's not the cheater's fault, it's the INSTITUTION that is at fault?
In either of these cases, the answer is simple: either don't get married, or if you do, don't cheat.
But that would be taking personal responsibility. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:03:24 PM | Food for thought~
Life has a way of making us pay for our sins; it happens in mysterious ways; ways that we may not understand or see at that particular point in time. It's not for "us" to charge him with penalties. He will be charged in his own time; in his own way.
You're overlooking the fact that you're his accomplice?
Karma has habit of coming back and biting you on the azz. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:04:30 PM |
To him, it was literally 'just sex'... he loved his wife,
but, got bored sexually? Hey, it happens.
Sex outside a marriage doesn't just "happen," it is a choice that you make.
I make no judgments about people who choose not to be monogamous. But, by all means, tell your significant other. She (or he) deserves to know the truth and be able to make a decision about staying or leaving with knowing the truth. I don't buy the "got bored sexually" bull. There are plenty of things you can do to spice things up in the bedroom.
If you don't want to have sex with the same person for 40 years, either negotiate an open marriage or don't get married at all. Don't lead your partner to believe that you are going to be monogamous when you are not.
As for the OP, I think it is really sad that the best relationship you have ever had was with a man who didn't care enough about you to want to be with you full time. People get divorced every day. In the end, he just didn't care enough to go to the trouble to be with you. You deserve better than that.
And yeah, if a man lied to me about being married in order to cheat on his wife, I would tell her. She deserves to know what kind of person she is married to and have enough information to decide if she wants to stay or leave. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:10:18 PM | Kassey, have you ever been married? Have you ever experienced a spouse cheating on you?
I suspect you have not, or you wouldn't be waving the flag of Infidelity Is Natural and Beautiful.
I've experienced the infidelity and defection of a spouse. Let me tell you:
IT HURTS LIKE HELL.
It is quite possibly one of the most painful, gut-wrenching, soul-destroying experiences on the face of this earth.
So please don't spout off statistics and rationalizations. I don't give a shit how many people cheat or why they do. To me, if someone pledges fidelity, whether it be in marriage or any other form of relationship, then they had bloody well better reserve their genitals for their partner.
According to your stats, I may have found the only man on the planet willing to remain faithful to his partner. As for me, I find the notion of cheating on my partner to be repugnant. I don't find monogamy to be "boring": nothing is more exciting than exploring one's sexuality within the safety and comfort of a lasting relationship. | |
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| The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:11:42 PM |
I have only just learned of his life circumstances in the past few weeks, and I can honestly say it has been incredibly tough to face,
because I m definitely very disturbed and hurt over this
If I had that comittment from him,
Like he knows anything about committment?! Oh, please!
and
I would have definitely stayed with him, but right now it seems the risk is too high, as Im not preparend or willing to stay indefinitely to end up alone in the end of it all.
It's all about you, huh?! Every single thing you're feeling, the wife/cheated party feels in spades, and she, too, has the right to direct her anger at him! But since you won't tell her what she has a right to know FOR A FACT, then you're taking away her right to the truth, which means she is living a lie!
If he were to leave her for you (again, OH PLEASE!) and then down the road decides to cheat on you, would you want to know (for a fact) he was doing someone else? Would you want the right to express your anger? Or, would you rather going on living in your lil bubble of a life all alone, thinking he's all yours...when he is not?
If the OP really believes she's right, she won't need to validate her point with statistics regarding the prevalence of affairs. ..which is NOT the topic. That's because her decision reagrding her handling of the demise of her affair and whether to tell the wife is a personal one, and no amount of statistics regarding the prevalence of affairs will validate her decision to leave the wife out of the loop. *sigh* Oh well. Half a point for effort! | |
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