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| | Why are people monogamous?Page 1 of 10 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10) | There are so many "why do people cheat?" posts. This includes "why do guys cheat," and "why do gals cheat?" type posts. I think we should really face this question - Why are people monogamous? Why do we feel compelled to stay faithful to a partner for however long we are together?
We have to answer this from a game theory perspective, an evolutionary/biological perspective, and an emotional/moral perspective.
Maybe then, and only then can we really answer why people cheat. Are we supposed to cheat in the first place and that it really isn't cheating but following our true nature. How about the poly folk...and the closed group marriages?
Why do people pair up in monogamous relationships? | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 3:26:40 AM | Good question Sam. :) Speaking for myself, when I love someone I want to belong to them and have no desire to cheat or even look at another man. I've been cheated on many times and it hurts like hell.
I have a male friend that was married and him and his wife used to have another couple to, uh, play with. To this day I keep asking him how if you loved her could you watch her with another man or even a woman? He says he was young and they didn't date outside of the times they had with that couple. But she left him for the guy so..... | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 3:39:51 AM | Very good question ..
I guess my reason for being monogamous in a relationship is the same reason I wont have casual sex. Sex to me without emotions is a waste of time .. I might as well masterbate.
If I was to give myself to every man that crossed my path , what would I have left to give to the man I loved ? | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 3:44:29 AM | | I can only be IN love with one lady at a time, guess I don't multi-task well. Besides, I figure it would take all of a lifetime to learn and enjoy all the wonderful things we will share together. Of course, since I just started all over again, guess I'll just have to live longer to learn everything about the lady that actually wants me in her life. | |
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KN85
| | Joined: 5/20/2006
Msg: 6 | |
| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 3:45:33 AM | I find this kind of funny that a good majority of us stay monagamous in relationships where it is completely contradictory for the most part out in the animal kingdom where I believe we evolved from. I think that might have a big reason to do with it. I think when we became civilized human beings, we evolved some principles that required a much higher level of understanding like the idea of "love" and then these principles of "love" began to mature as society evolved more and more throughout history. I mean back then, it wasn't too uncommon for men to have more than one partner at one time since it just made since logically since the main purpose for a woman back then was to produce offspring. However, when our civilization started to see women as more than just that, then we start to see our values conformed and the idea of monagamous relationships come into play.
Those who cheat usually were not raised with these same conforming values, and therefore cannot see any harm when they cheat with somebody else. | |
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Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 7 | |
| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 4:09:28 AM | I don’t even casual dating - much less have any interest is casual sex. Yes I like naked females but don’t like naked female strangers all that much.
Even back when motorcycles were dangerous and sex was fun - I was a one girl or no girl kind of a guy.
I have always had motorcycles and have always had or looked for a girl friend. When I made a connection that it was - the looking stopped.
I blame it on my age or rather the time frame when I grew up.
The few gals that I have been around (I know the wrong ones) since I have been divorced would have been considered “easy” back when I grew up. Now I guess it is call “normal”.
So ........ call me old fashion but for me - I only want one. I will sit here with my dog on my lap until I cross paths with that one gal. | |
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*Tee*
| | Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 8 | |
| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 4:46:32 AM | Why am I monogamous?
For him..
I want my partner to feel like he's the most special person in my life..
I don't want to cause him any pain, because I care for him so much..
I want him to know that I give all of myself to him, and nobody else, and thats what sets him apart from every other man...
For me..
I know I could never be unfaithful, because the guilt would kill me..
I could never lie, and live a double life..
I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror, and like what I see..
I'm not wired to love more then one person at once, and I won't have empty sex with anyone I don't care for..
The only way I could ever feel fulfilled in any relationship, is knowing that we both belong to each other... | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 5:46:16 AM | A: Evolutionary/biological perspective. It takes 9 months and a whole lot of years (contrary to other species) for a human baby to be self sufficient. The protector and the nurturer are absolutely essential to the baby's survival.
B: Emotional/moral perspective. I think humans have a strong need for love and nurturing and to belong to someone. We also need emotional stability.
C: Game theory perspective. Monotony, doing the same thing day in day out causes a need for a bit of spice, something different. Most just think of it, some act on it.
Ps: I stocked up on popcorn  | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 6:48:11 AM |
Why do people pair up in monogamous relationships?
For me, first I have to decide what is the menaing of monogamy. And I'm not talking about that trick question to ask men, "How many women can you have sex with and still be monogamous?"
Some definitions put the meaning as one sexual partner at a time, often refered to as serial monogamy. So under this definition, I could be willing to have sex with any woman that comes along, but if only one says yes, I'm practicing monogamy. A lady friend of mine expressed it this way, "Once a new guy comes in town, the old ones can't come back."
Another definition is having only one mate at a time. Not a down under mate, but as many people would say, "in a relationship". However, once that relationship is over, then you are free to move on to the next one.
An extension of that definition is being married to only one person at a time. In most countries, this definition is enforced by law.
To feed off an earlier post, there is also the term "Social monogamy", which is practiced by many mammalian species. In this context, individuals are paired in social setting, but continue have sex with others. A couple in the swing lifestyle comes to mind as an example of this definition.
The last definition I ran across was mate for life. That's it, one shot. If an unfortunate demise hits one of the couple, oh well.
What if all the social mores disappeared and it was "OK" to have sex at will. Would monogamous relationships disappear? I don't think so. Many people would continue to choose that path. Why do those people pair up in monogamous relationships? Because it's the way they are, it's intrinsic to their nature, there doesn't need to be a social system in place to enforce that behavior on them.
Other people would choose to take advantage of the new found freedom, stereotypically men, but some women would also, in my opinion. If the only reasons they stayed monogamous was due to extrinsic concerns, then maybe the relationship before was not what it seemed. Realistically, can a person who never had a chance to stray because they were monitored constantly and kept on a tight leash be called monogamous?
Technically the answer is yes of course, but if you believed, or feared, that given a chance they would stray, is adherence to the word more important than the meaning behind it? If you knew your partner had opportunities, and said no, is that better or worse than above? It's certainly easier if you know they never had an opportunity, but what's most efficient in business or life is usually not as effective in relationships.
Why do people pair up in monogamous relationships? Some would say it's because of proper upbringing. If somehow we could get all the kids with proper upbringing (whatever that means) and compare their sexual habits against kids with improper upbringing, what do you think the results would be? Now imagine you divide the kids into a group that likes constancy, safety, familiarity against a group that likes variety, adventure, vicissitude, and compare their sexual habits.
Not all people have the same values, or place the same weight on the same values. I don't see that as one is right and one is wrong. Personally, I like meeting new people and exchaning new ideas. For a relationship though, I'm not so much interested in someone with the "right" values, but rather, values similar to my own. Then relaionship items such as passion, intimacy, and commitment are the drivers of behavior, because our values are similar, independent of how we are supposed to have a relationship.
Bob
[Soapbox mode = OFF] | |
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Algy
| | Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 11 | |
| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 7:00:39 AM | It's too much work to keep more than one person happy at a time.
Commitment is more likely to result in self improvement.
It makes for more efficient, higher quality childrearing.
Cause I'm too lazy to break a new one in every six months.
It fosters trust in the relationship - and I don't mean just trust in intimacy.
It takes that long for her to get my jokes.
Edit: Yet another thought-provoking thread by Sam. Bravo. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 8:01:13 AM | I agree melanie,, sex to me with out emotions is a waste of time,
I don't like to share my man with any one and I don't feel he should want to share me,
I'm from the old school, sex used to be something that was saved for marriage,
Now I believe that was a mistake in some cases or there wouldn't be so many out there looking for greener grasses, or sharing partners,
There is a time and place for everything...........that is when you find that special someone... | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 9:08:33 AM |
I find this kind of funny that a good majority of us stay monagamous in relationships where it is completely contradictory for the most part out in the animal kingdom where I believe we evolved from Oh really?? Funny I didn't know God was an "'animal"...weren't we made in His Image?? I mean back then, it wasn't too uncommon for men to have more than one partner at one time since it just made since logically since the main purpose for a woman back then was to produce offspring. However, when our civilization started to see women as more than just that, then we start to see our values conformed and the idea of monagamous relationships come into play. Back when?? When was it ever "acceptable"?? I think MEN made that decision!!! Women were just quiet about it so they wouldn't get B'Slapped! LMAO I do agree that women and men alike tend to stray out of frustration and boredom because "they" aren't getting what "they" expected to get (unreasonable expectations, at times). I personally have not cheated and choose to be monogomous due to the fact dating /courtship is the preface for finding a marriage partner (at least that's what I was taught). Not once did my mother say..."Go screw every man you can until you find the right fit!" I am like the gentleman who said he couldn't focus on more than one at a time. It's hard enough to get in sync with one patner...much less complicate it with more. Cool post Sam I am!!  | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 9:31:36 AM | Fantastic post, Bob! A very balanced and insightful view of the topic.
I think the only consistant thing about humanity is its inconsistency. Some people people are wired for monogamy, others not. Still others can go either way, depending on who they're with at the time. As long as it's consensual, any setup can lead to happiness.
Cheating, to me, is a horrible sin. There's nothing worse than decieving someone you've pledged yourself to. Conversely, locking someone up in a monogamous relationship when they're clearely miserable in that situation is just as bad.
Contrary to popular belief, the "one man one woman" idea is not universal. Many cultures practice polygamy, polyginy, or group marriages. Others practice a communal lifestyle, where the children are raised by the entire village.
Does monogamy work? Sure it does! I have parents and grandparents who can attest to that.
Does monogamy not work? Sure it doesn't! My friends who come from divorced families can attest to that.
Does polyamory work? read the answers above, as I seen people lead a long term, loving, supporting, and poly relationship and have been together for 20 years.
Live and let live. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 9:33:12 AM | This is a stupid question.
The reasons why people would be mongamous should be obvious. Even to those who aren't willing to be monogamous.
People get a tremendous amount of comfort and support, from having one steady satisfying relationship.
People desire the comfort and satisfaction of having an honest, trusting relationship, with one partner; Rather than the head-aches, drama, tension and mistrust that come from games, cheating, and adultery.
Many people prefer to have a person they can count on for mutual support as they go through life. Life's happy moments are happier when shared with that person. The burdens of life's tragedies are lessoned when they're shared by two people who support each other.
sam, I suspect that when you're 80 years old, and you're still wondering why people would be monogamous, (and still priding yourself on manipulating and decieving women) you'll be a little jealous of the happily married old couple that's holding hands on a park bench. | |
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| Alternative view (polyamory, not polygamy)
Posted: 4/6/2007 9:44:24 AM | Melanie:
<div class="quote"> Sex to me without emotions is a waste of time .. I might as well masterbate.
Same here, I agree, but that does not make one monogamous or monoamorous!
HippieGal:
<div class="quote">To this day I keep asking him how if you loved her could you watch her with another man or even a woman?
Cause love does not mean possession?
(Curious: The hippies thought that too, did they not?)
Ron9
<div class="quote">but don’t like naked female strangers all that much.
I agree. I do not go to bed with strangers or enemies! lol
Re Tee's post (no 8):
An altenative, more liberal, take is:
Why am I not monogamous?
For thems and for me, for all concerned
I want my partners to feel like they the special persons in my life but not feel "owned" by me
I don't want to cause them any pain, because I care for them so much.. and a non monogamous, friendship above all, Amorous relationship is more durable than others these days.
I want them to know that I give all of myself to them, ONLY THEM, and nobody else, and thats what sets them apart from every other woman..
For me..
I know I could never cheat, because the guilt would haunt me..
I could never lie, and live a double "hidden" life.. all in the open, no lies, no pretence, just love, no possessiveness
I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror, and like what I see..
I'm not wired to be in love and especially to LOVE one person, and I won't have empty sex with anyone I don't care for.. Only the ones I care for, as women, as humans and as friends. Making love is the ultimate hedonistic/pleasure "gift" in life! So I reserve it for very few, safely!
The only way I could ever feel fulfilled in any relationship, is knowing that we all are REAL friends and respect and want to please each other AS "FREE" PEOPLE (INDIVIDUALS).
Mimosa:
<div class="quote">A: Evolutionary/biological perspective. It takes 9 months and a whole lot of years (contrary to other species) for a human baby to be self sufficient. The protector and the nurturer are absolutely essential to the baby's survival.
That applies when "intentional" babemaking is involved and thus only in such cases!
<div class="quote"> B: Emotional/moral perspective. I think humans have a strong need for love and nurturing and to belong to someone. We also need emotional stability.
1) Belonging to someone else fosters emotional stability?
2) Who about belonging to a country? A religion? A club? POF? TO ONE's OWN SELF?
3) Why is love so correlated with sex, by some? Love for all humans? Love thy neighbor? Nothing to do with sex!!!
<div class="quote">C: Game theory perspective. Monotony, doing the same thing day in day out causes a need for a bit of spice, something different. Most just think of it, some act on it.
That is why monogamous LTRs are faulty" by design" and foster cheating, etc?
Algy:
"It's too much work to keep more than one person happy at a time. "
Depending on the "job description"
"Commitment is more likely to result in self improvement"
Or feelings of imprisonment? Humans are born to be free and fight wars for freedom and give up their lives for the idea!
"It makes for more efficient, higher quality childrearing"
OK, on that! I agree. But applies to childbearing cases only!
"Cause I'm too lazy to break a new one in every six months"
That is the advantage of "closed" polyamory, many lovers, but long term, based on REAL friendship and respect for all!
"It fosters trust in the relationship - and I don't mean just trust in intimacy"
Polyamory could actually foster MORE trust!
Indeed, a thought-provoking thread by Sam. My Bravo too!
The above do not necessarily imply that I am polyamorous in practice or even "ideology". Just an exercise in alternative-free (out of the box???) thinking!
Peace to all
PS. IMPORTANT NOTE: I am not speaking of one-sided polyamory (ie man's only). I am a feminist!
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 9:52:52 AM | Having shared a 24 yr marriage, and monogamous one at that, I feel that monogamy leads to trust, and that lends itself to the most intimate feelings one can have toward another human bieng. The marriage ended well, sadly, but well.
I am one of those poor geeks to this day that believes in monogamy, and so when i get dumped I have no backups............. sigh.... i need to get wise on how to be single!!!!!! Where are those backups???? | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 9:54:52 AM |
Oh really?? Funny I didn't know God was an "'animal"...weren't we made in His Image??
You're bringing in a religious argument into a social commentary topic, where not everyone shares your beliefs. Still let's assume God made us in his own image. If by that, you mean God made us complex, unknowable, and unpredictable by our own standards, then I'll agree with you completely!
Please remember the parable of the boy trying to fit the entire ocean into a small hole in the sand, and how this is the same as our attempt at understanding God.
Now although I believe in a creative force in the universe, I also believe in evolution. Everything that is now has a cause in the past. That's true for biology as it is for society. I can hand you tangible proof for both. All you can do is tell me to read one holy book (which I've read cover to cover, BTW).
Back when?? When was it ever "acceptable"?? I think MEN made that decision!!! Women were just quiet about it so they wouldn't get B'Slapped! LMAO
Actually, it's been acceptable, and still is acceptable in many cultures. Not only in Islam, but in Judaism as well. How many wives did Abraham have? Also in Brazil today, where there's a 8-1 woman to man ratio, it's actually uncommon for a man NOT to have a mistress besides having a wife. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 10:02:38 AM | People are monogomous because they are socialized to be that way. That is how we are brought up in our current western form of society. Once we have accepted this as a social norm we tend to see any other behaviour as an abberation, as something dangerous and wrong. This is not terribly intelligent or thoughtful but it is normal.
With an increasing emphasis on individual freedom many people are choosing to question ALL of our social norms, and experiment with or adopt alternate modes of living. Sometimes these people become a bit messianic about it, sometimes they can be defensive about it and sadly, sometimes they become coercive about it. This is often in reaction to the reaction of participants of mainstream norms. This is human nature.
The question can be restated as 'why, with all of the options of behaviour that are possible, have most people and most societies chosen monogamy?' Because monogamy works. It is the best way to guarantee the involvement of both parents in the raising of children. It lowers social tensions to have most people not trying to attract the opposite sex most of the time.
Monogamy is the morally correct thing to do only in societies that have embraced it. That is the purpose of morality, to enforce social norms. | |
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| Alternative view (polyamory, not polygamy)
Posted: 4/6/2007 10:03:35 AM | Nick: Actually if you take A: Evolutionary/biological perspective, out of the picture, which implies baby making, why would you need to be monogamous?
The sexual urge is biologically put in place for the survival of the human race. Whether you like to think being human puts you above ordinary mammal impulses, the fact remains we're all driven to procreate like it or not. Take away birth control and you have 20 billion people on the planet. oops!!!!
As for the rest I'm thinking about it. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 10:14:55 AM | ITS ABOUT FREAKEN TIME!!!
thank you "that sam i am"
sex and love dont necessarily go hand in hand...
I mean you love someone and you are intimate..blah blah blah...
but if something happens where the other person needs something more in their life....(for whatever reason)...That doesnt mean they dont love the person they are in the relationship with.. It just means they need so mething else and the person they love isnt listening.
the majority of the time....IT IS JUST SEX!!..(im gunna catch hell for this I KNOW IT)
ok...now with the comments of STD's and betrayal and the hurting of all involved..(children etc)...
I hope in this day and age...people are using condoms for protection..they arent 1oo% but they do their job..
the betrayal....what is the true definition anyway? it seems that everyones perspective is different.
The children.......well..the children are innocent, and they shouldnt be dragged into the mess of their parents freaking out because of hurt pride. CHILDREN LEARN FROM WHAT THEY SEE AND HEAR..if they dont see and hear it..then they cant be hurt
now the biggie!!..R E S P E C T!! .....Its true..but it is also two sided! How many people out there have had affairs because their S.O. doesnt appriciate them anymore? They take each other for granted, they start to lead their own lives..they get caught up in this thing called life that they forget who is really important..I have heard this reason (why people have affairs) on so many occasions. It really makes one stop and think.
well..It is my opinion that people should look outside the box when it comes to cheating..and ask themselves....who is really cheating who and why is this really happening. In most cases..the person looking elsewhere is as much a victim as their S.O. | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 10:27:06 AM | Terminally Cute:
Why do people need to have ONE "S.O."? Is that not the fundamental source of most problems in LTR relationships? When in an exclusive LTR relationship, sex outside it IS CHEATING, IMO, any which way you cut it. Another structural problem of LTRs.
Mimosa: Not all people want to procreate! Part of the problem in the world today is OVERPOPULATION. So the responsible thing to do for humanity is for more people to refrain from procreation!!! Analyse that, pls!
In reference to another poster, the approach in my mind, is not "backups". It is "portfolio" management. No rational person puts all his/her eggs into one basket! Monogamy is NOT rational. Or emotionally reliable (see breakups, they can leave you stranded, after many years of commitment), in practice! In theory, all "systems" are great! In practice, that is the litmus test.
Edit. Mimosa: I do not see how we are! mail>> | |
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| Why are people monogamous?
Posted: 4/6/2007 10:36:38 AM | | Nick: you didn't read my post correctly, when some higher power decides to abolish, spermatozoa and eggs, we won't be procreating. We're saying the same thing differently. | |
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