| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 11:15:54 AM | I need some help here. How do I tell my 7 year old girl her father is a compulsive liar, never keeps his promises, or does what he says?
I'll give you some background: my daughter's birthday was 1 month and a half ago - no gift from her dad (he DID show up at the party though). Although he said he'd take her shopping for something, nothing's come out of it yet (always an excuse... "it's too cold out" was the latest from yesterday). Her present from last year never materialized either: first, it was "I ordered something online but it never showed", then it was "we're getting you a kitten", and still... nothing / nada / zilch. Even today being Easter, I picked her up this morning, she was almost in tears. Nothing - not even a small chocolate egg, or even a card. On the way home, all she said to me was "he didn't take me to the store - and he pinky-swore to me he would". Needless to say, I turned the car around, went back to his place and told him what she said. His response was "yeah, I'll take her this week" (which has been the same answer for the past month).
I try to tell her that it's the thought that counts and being together on a special day - but come on she's 7 years old!!
Any thoughts??! I'm totally lost on this one. Short of confronting my ex (which has been done over and over)... WHAT DO I SAY TO HER?! | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 11:29:21 AM | | If you tell her her dad is a jerk, no matter how old she is, she will resent you saying that later. My ex hasn't seen his children in two years, his choice totally, therefore no calls, no b-day gifts, Christmas, etc. I have always told the children he has issues he has to work out and when he does, he will get his life together. I tell them he still loves them, tho he may not show it. I know if I speak badly of him they will resent me later. They are old enough to realize it is his fault and his choice not to come around. I dealt with what you are going thru, now they say to me they don't want to see him even if he does come around. There is no comfort in telling a child the other parent is a jerk. In doing so, you will regret this later and your child will feel torn about his/her feelings toward the other parent. Children are resilant, very smart when it comes to things we think they don't understand..... best thing to do is say he has things to work out/issues and he still loves her. Never speak badly about one parent to a child, not good. No matter how we might feel about them, they will always be the childs parent.. always. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 11:30:48 AM | You don't need to tell her anything about him being a jerk. She'll defend him and will continue to defend him if you say anything negative about him. You just need to explain that some people just don't get it.
I have had and still have similar problems with my ex. I always told the kids that he meant well. That deep down in his heart, he wanted to. But that some people make promises that they can't keep (for whatever reasons - my ex's reasons were drugs).
As the kids have gotten older and older, they expect less and less from him. I will hear one of them tell the other "don't expect that to happen".
It's sad that they have to learn this lesson at such young ages, but what can we do. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 11:47:46 AM | Tell her that you don't know why.. if she wants to know, encourage her to ask HIM...
My mom did that and it felt awesome.. he stammered and stumbled over his words..
My kids are older now and I probably have scars on my tongue from all the times I have bitten it, lol... but trust me, they figure it out eventually... you don't have to say a word.. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 12:15:33 PM | You can't tell her - you can tell him in no uncertain terms, but that probably won't get you anywhere either. She will learn on her own and you will just have to be there to show her how much she means to you.
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 12:27:33 PM | | I think pretty much everyone has given the same advice and I agree with it. You should never bad mouth her father even though I'm sure its tempting. I wouldn't want my son's mom to bad mouth me even she was at fault for the longest time. My advice is simply tell her things did not work out between you and her father. Later on down the road she might learn what happened but at least (and hopefully) she will understand without any hard feelings to you. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 12:42:27 PM | You don't tell her, she will figure it out on her own!!!!! Don't place yourself in the same category as him, and by telling her bad things about her father, that is exactly what you would be doing.
The truth always comes out in the wash...... | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 12:56:05 PM | | There's no need to tell her that he's a jerk. Her tears and the way she feels tell you that she already knows that. Let her figure things out on her own and be there to support her and love her as she does. He is who/what he is, and you nor she can change that. As time goes by, she'll learn not to believe what he tells her, but, if you tell her he's a jerk, she may be resistant to hearing it. She'll accept it on her own as she must. When he does things like not showing up, not doing what he said he'd do, taking her where he said he'd take her, etc., just comfort her and acknowledge his mistakes and shortcomings. Don't try to defend them or to pretend they're not big-they are to her. Just talk to her about the truth and how she feels about it. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 2:09:58 PM | omg.... if i was standing there on the return trip id stand there and calmly coax my daughter to ask her daddy "WHY'?
it wouldnt be my asking why he was being a stingy **stard the child is old enough to deserve an answer from her father herself. How cruel of him to not even make an effort for his child leading her to tears.. Id be furious too.
My daughter is almost 9 and i would do the same thing, i wouldnt bash her dad but if she needed a q answered aks your .Let him stammer and stumble and look like an idiot..maybe he will learn his lesson THAT WAY. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 2:15:05 PM | you NEVER say he's a jerk. period.
if she's disappointed, i'd probably say something like "i'm sorry sweetie, that must be really frustrating." acknowledge the feelings, absolutely, but DO NOT undermine his place in her life. and take it up with your ex, put it bluntly that it's not what he does for her that matters, it's that he follows through with his words. it's better to get nothing at all than to get an empty promise. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 2:56:07 PM | A gift is a gift. Do you want her to always expect a gift. This is really a very materialistic thing. He did visit her after all. Some children dont even get that.
However the promise factor is another thing. She is learning that some promises are not kept. What is life about anyhow. We all experiance promises that are not kept. The child is learning that her dad is not a promise keeper. There are worse things a child learn from parents, don't you think? The question is do you want your daughter to learn that mom bitterly hates dad and says mean nasty things about the man who is her daddy? That is far more destructive for a growing child than missing a gift.
We all love our children and want to protect them from adverse things and harm. Keep your feelings to yourself and try to talk to the father alone to alert him about the childs hurt feelings due to a broken promise. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 3:12:25 PM | Telling her isnt the right thing to do. There is NO need for parents to bad mouth one another to the kids. Totally NOT cool.
It doesnt matter if they are 7, 2 or 15... they know already when a parent is being a jerk.
You say NOTHING negative to her. Bite your tongue. Teach her by doing.
Its better to not say anything at all if you cant say anything nice. Period.
Lastly, if you want to hate the jerk (and rightfully so from the sounds of it) then hate him... but dont teach your daughter to hate him too. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 3:22:42 PM | Great question....Have you asked him that question?
I think you can let her know, its not ok for him to make promises and not keep them. She needs to know... it ok to ask him directly and hold him accountable, even at a young age they get it. Its her dad she should be able to ask him anything. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 3:33:28 PM | | I don't think you tell your 7 year old anything. They will find it out on their own in time. I think it's terrible that parents put the other parent down. It's the worst thing that a parent can do. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 3:48:44 PM | | YOU DONT!!!! My daughter has a deadbeat dad. He's never seen her - ever. I REFUSE to tell her that he's a jerk. She will definitely resent you for it later in life, and why would you want to risk that? You can be mad at him if you want to be, but you definitely shouldn't let that show when she's around. She's still too young to need to know that. If she was grown, then maybe you could go into a little more detail about the situation. Just tell him theres stuff going on that he needs to work on....thats it. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 4:07:33 PM | You dont, you let her conclude it. When dad doesnt buy her a gift as he promised and shes asks you why-- you point her to him. Tell her you arents sure why and that she should ask her father. And dont say it in a mean spirited way, but more a "gee, I have no idea?" way. She'll figure it out on her own.
He is accountable for his actions, and you yours. Does he explain to your daughter when you dont do something you said you would (hypothetically)? Nope- she asks you. She should be asking him and Id guide her his way. She'll probably get excuses and hurt more, but its important for her to learn to see him as he is and cope with the harsh reality that he's not the "daddy" he should be. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 4:12:40 PM | Don't put dad down! My son's dad misses birthdays , christmas's , halloween. school days, u name it he did it. But daddy dearest is hanging himself with my son who is now 13, I let him break promise after promise, I was advised to do that. Guess what? my son wants nothing to do with him!
As hard as it is at times you have to bite your tounge. Good luck | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 5:05:37 PM | Wow... thanks for the feedback everyone!
I've been biting my tongue for years now - surprised there is any of it left! I would never badmouth him to my daughter, but her questions are incredible, and I know she is beginning to see the "real" him. It just kills me to see her hurting like that!
I've tried asking him directly - that doesn't work.
I've even told her to ask him - and he just promises something else or changes the subject.
I guess the thing to do is wait it out... My heart breaks every time I see her disappointed in his behavior... she loves him, he wants nothing to do with her basically. How can anyone behave that way towards their own flash and blood?! | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 5:12:39 PM | you don't. she will learn things for herself, and it sounds like she already has.
don't badmouth, and don't make excuses...i know it's difficult because we don't want our kids to feel pain. the best advice i can give, is to just try and stay neutral and give your daughter all the love you can (which i'm sure you already do - and more). | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 5:13:47 PM | As hard as it is, don't ever disrespect her dad in front of her. Kids are a lot smarter than parents given them credit for and she will figure it out all on her own.
Encourage her to talk to her dad about the things he promised and were never realized and he will soon stop making such promises.
You just need to be there for her (without dissing him) & make good on your word. Be the bigger person. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 6:51:57 PM | Well, i suggest you say what everyone else is saying, in the end, they will draw their own conclusion on what their father is like.
They might get hurt, but at least they will discover for themselves how much of a jerk he is.
But then again, he might get his act together, you never know. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:34:41 PM | Because everyone has given you excellent advise, the only thing I can think of to add, would be.........don't make excuses for his behavior and disappointments to her. Just direct her to address her questions to her dad.
Children are very good judges of people, their character and their honesty. As hard as it is for the loving parent, to see their children hurt by the other parent, all we can do, is hug them close, reassure them of our love and let them express their hurt to us. Letting them know, its ok to feel hurt, disappointed and to recognize how much those feelings hurt and steer them to the knowledge that as a learning lesson.......to remember how our actions towards others can cause pain.....so we need to remember these lessons and be a better person to others. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:41:37 PM | if you tell your daughter her dads a jerk. she'll go to her dad with it. then he'll tell her that her mom is a **** (or liar, or something)
its counter productive to do this. her dad is her dad is her dad. you can't change it and she certainly can't change it.
if he is a jerk she'll figure it out for herself in due time. you can't force that decision upon her.
despite the fact that he probably is a jerk to you -- forget about that. he's no longer your ex. he's your daughters father. period. forget about all the b.s. in the history between the two of you and figure out a way to raise your daughter separately together.
make a rule...you don't badmouth him and he won't badmouth you.
if he thinks you are poisoning her towards him he'll likely disappear. | |
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| How do I tell my 7 year old her dad's a jerk?
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:33:08 PM | | I think the best thing to do Is just be there for her, be a good example to her and as far as her dad she will learn about him no matter what .If she asks about the things he does or doesn`t do try to tell her with out being to negative or just be calm when you tell don`t candy coat it but just be honest and she will understand what kind of a guy he really is I hope this helps I went through something similar when i was a child and thats how my mom handled it and she let me make my own choices about my dad. | |
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