| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 6:27:56 PM | I have this theory with regards to online dating and I am wondering if others have noticed this trend. (This came up in another disucssion as a side topic and I felt it might be worth discussing on its own).
I believe that when most people go shopping online for a potential partner they are usually shopping for someone who is one step above where they currently are on a social ladder. In addition I believe that most profiles are written to express who we want to be in life not just who we are now... it represents the next version of ourselves and what we are working towards (at least for many people). Therefore when we look for someone are we looking for someone in that next league (so to speak)?
The way I see it - the problem arrises when the other person we seek is also looking for someone a step above where they are in life. Few are looking in their own social class for a partner or so it seems. Perhaps this is why most get so few email responses from those who appeal to them and in the opposit direction - those who contact us always seem to be one step backwards for us on that evolutionary scale (this is just a theory which might explain the lack of responses that many people get to their emails).
It is natural to evolve and want better for our futures but has the online "menu" style of dating given us too many choices and thus compromised our ability to decide what we really want and what will fit within our dreams for the future?
I'm curious what other people think of this theory... do you see any validity in it? What are you perceptions as to why those who we appeal to rarely appeal to us, while those who appeal to us rarely even acknowledge our existance.
Inquiring minds want to know... | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 6:40:28 PM | Interesting idea....however many of us would like someone at our own level. While its nice to evolve, it more fun to do it together....or at least I think so. However what I do see as being more of a factor in all this on line dating stuff is...and this rests right on you ladies shoulders on this one... I see that many are looking for a guy that has all the perfect looks...and loaded with money. I have seen this time and time again where looks was the #1 factor in things followed very closely by the amount of...or lack there of, of $$$$$$ in there bank account. How can you find your match when all you see is a photo and a little right up. Get to know that person one on one then judge and not before. But no one does this...its all about the looks that he or she has....or does not have. I will look into you theory some more....now where did I put my slide rule...
( batteries not needed)
. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 6:42:49 PM | zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Theory on online dating .. (Page: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ) kel~ 122 3640 4/7/2007 9:12 PM
i've only been on here for a few months, but trading up i believe has been beaten to death..maybe do a thread search...
as for your own thread title...maybe you could just pick up the same thread title copied here that slowed down the other day
 | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 6:47:35 PM | | thanks for the response. I did do a thread search and did not find anything but then again perhaps I was using the wrong keywords. My apologies if this comes across as redundant. I was simply curious what others thought with regards to 'trading up' as slysterling called it. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 6:50:32 PM | I am obliged to disagree SUBSTANTIALLY!
My profile clearly states, "Who am I seeking? THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, of course! I want to be romantically captivated by the most enchanting, exqusite, and stunning Angel that has ever wandered this world, and if possible, I want to be the man of her dreams. I have known her all of my life; not by name, of course; rather by the essence of who she is. She already knows me. These magnificent "Angel" creatures exist in very rare quantities, and most often, they profess to being "an ordinary girl." According to "The Official Angel's Handbook," that is the only fib they are ever allowed to tell humans.
YES! I am PICKY! MAYBE one or two ladies on this North American Continent qualify -- MAYBE! "
I seek only perfection. and Guess what? I found it! My Angel is my best friend. We are not "romantically yoked" -- but I gladly settle for "best friend." I am the happiest, luckiest guy in the pond!
Perhaps the best part is I KNOW IT! | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 6:55:56 PM | | I think it's your approach that you project out onto the world. There are no doubt others who view dating as you do, that it's about social status. I find the idea repugnant. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:01:57 PM | | Yea, we probably oversell ourselves, this is what the women tell me, "Most guys really misrepresent themselves." Most women seem to have rather high expectations as well, you mix the two and your heading for disaster. The same goes in reverse as well, I have met a few women who seem to have very little in common with there profile. My solution? I am just here for the forums and mail... | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:05:26 PM | | I think your idea is in the very least, very interesting, something to think about. I find it amazing that there seems to be so many really great people out there wandering around single. But - obviously that can't be true. And time and time again, after I get to know someone, they sure aren't as great as their profile. Maybe it's that they are having someone else write it for them, or they are taking hours to make themselves sound great, or they are lying, or they really are just writing what they wish they could be instead of what they really are. Certainly worth a thought anyway... | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:13:50 PM | Maybe this is the falacy of looking to someone else or the association with someone else to improve one's lot in life. Perhaps one should be looking within one's self to improve one's self.
If you feel you are looking 'above your own station' then maybe there are some self-esteem issues within yourself that need to be resolved.
It has been my observation that those self-esteem issues are painfully obvious in many profiles posted on on-line dating sites. Perhaps that is the reason for lack of response to emails.
Personally if someone doesn't respond to my emails because they feel somehow superior to me then I am not really interested in meeting them anyway. Any possible relationship is doomed from the start. And what is the reason for that perception of superiority...the only possible source is me since they are reacting to how I present myself.
On the other hand, if I am confident in myself and what I bring to a relationship then hopefully that trancends any superficial barriers like social standing. If not then...tfb.
Of course my desire for something beyond material/social standing may come with age. I have come to realize that all the material success in the world doesn't guarantee happiness otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place. There are a lot of younger people out there who are only going to learn that through painful experience. If you are my age and haven't learned that yet then you still haven't learned how short life is...don't waste your time.
I guess maybe the short answer here is...maybe you are right...more's the pity. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:14:02 PM | It is interesting to consider the aspect of "sexual class" (if you would) almost as an analogy to socioeconomic class or something of that sorts. First of all, I understand that my age grants me the naivety that ALL people are attractive, especially at the institutions I am familiar with, BUT perhaps that youth can present seemingly refreshing ideas.
For example, highschool. Immature, of course, but it provides a social backdrop for all of our development. Consider the cliques you represented and the fact that "jocks, cheerleaders, band nerds, mathletes etc.." presumably socially isolated themselves. And, for the most part, that isolation continued into adulthood ergo fraternity brothers, college republicans, potential orange county wives club members and so forth. My point is, most of these perceptions of "sexual class" can be potentially made inadvertently and in our youth.
But my innocence gets the best of me with that theory. For as long as I have been familiar with my own sexuality I have realized (of course) different levels of physical attraction to all woman. To think I would isolate myself now due to physical traits is a frightening gesture. Despite my knowledge of genetics and the theories of "mating cost", I would assume of myself that the emotional and intellectual parts of an individual are certainly as important as any physical attributes.
So in conclusion (for you have gotten this far), social class or "sexual class" is a form of developmental isolation that is recognized if chosen to be so. But hell, maybe my "delusions" are in the fact that I know I'm not a 10, and that perhaps, after reading this rant, one of them out there, finds themselves interesting in someone of "lower class"... ha | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:23:39 PM | I agree with you jumbo shrimp - I too find the idea of dating only for social status repugnant - but I have seen it happen with my friends many times over so I was wondering if there was a reason for it's ongoing occurances.
Many people who I have exchanged emails with (female and male) have told me that they aren't getting replies when they send out emails and the emails they are getting are from people who they would never find interest in... why are so many people experiencing this online? I've also been told by my single friends at work and in my social life that they too are experiencing this. When there are that many sharing similar stories there must be a common denominator. Has anyone else come up with different theories? | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:27:05 PM | Are you saying there's something wrong with me wanting a six foot, amazon blonde who just happens to be a multi-millionaire?
Geez! A man has to have a dream, doesn't he? | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 3:22:48 AM | If there's a "problem" it's that too many try to dissect this whole thing of what's become known as online dating. Just like this "theory" and another thread of the same topic (but different suppostion) are individual and simply can NOT in any way represent what anyone other than the OP herself. Honestly I'd have to think if this is her sole idea of meeting people via the internet is it might be the reason she's stuck in the middle of the world she describes here.
The "problem" with online dating just might be that too many think by creating a profile full of facts, figures, wants, needs and desires along with an unrealistic list of qualities and attributes they may or may not possess they'll somehow find a perfect match. When they don't find the person they want then it's the fault of the process and not those who are involved. Truth is if we put as much time and energy in getting to know someone as we do complaining, describing, therorizing and chasing someone who doesn't really exist we might be pleasantly surprised at the great people we've already met.
Sure there are those who think they "deserve" someone of a certain ilk; appearance, income, age, etc but focusing on so few things is no more than tunnel vision which prevents us from seeing anything else. Adhering to those preconceived notions that ideal imaginary person would make us happy only adds to the disappointment some express about internet dating.
We have to ask ourselves how realistic are our desires about a potential mate. I've noticed those with lengthy lists of what are specifications tend to never find ANY sort of relationship because their Mr/Ms Perfect doesn't seem to exist. I'd bet anything they've already met a number of wonderful people with whom they were very compatibile. I'd also bet such people were dismissed because in a trivial, insignificant way they didn't meet that list of "must haves".
I've been online since 1999 with occasional forays into the dating world and have NEVER had the dearth of problems described here. I'm NOT that smart and certainly NOT that attractive yet I've found a few great women---only to be told I didn't fit their lists!! LOL It's funny that nearly all of them are STILL online with the same profiles!! | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 3:50:53 AM | A man's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for? Said someone.
Nothing wrong with theories, even wrong ones. I am in favor of thinking why and how and what. It's not the having of a theory that prevents the finding of a match.
Look for someone to love, you will find many. Look for someone to love you, good luck with that. Sorry, but that is how love works. It is easy to give away and impossible to demand.
You'll not find a god among mere mortals to make your dreams come true, but you can be god-like to a mortal by making theirs come true. The difference is whether you seek to give or get.
When I seek love I ask you to tell me I am all that, notice that you are impressed with me, find me high above the rest, swoon at my feet. When I seek to love I notice that you are all that, I am impressed with you, find you high above the rest, swoon at your feet. Many hands held out empty asking, none offering.
You will wait forever for love to come into your heart from outside, for it grows in your own heart only when you notice someone else you could love. You have to go first, everyone does. That is what is wrong with online dating. Everyone is selling and no one is buying. It is a catalog of products saying how valuable they are, asking to be prized.
When someone lapses because their heart is suddenly, somehow filled with love and looking for a place to spend it, they make a generous offer and a match is struck. Even a few pennies of admiration will get you a hell of a deal here, in this buyer's market. Find one you can love and make an offer. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 4:15:43 AM |
It is natural to evolve and want better for our futures but has the online "menu" style of dating given us too many choices and thus compromised our ability to decide what we really want and what will fit within our dreams for the future? See, I think this is where the problem is. I think it's misleading to connect the idea of evolving and growing and becoming better as a person with the idea of "having things that are better". If you want to evolve then you are not going to achieve that by running after people that seem to possess the qualities you aspire to and trying to get those qualities into your life by getting those people to be in your life. A relationship is not about seeking a lifestyle or even a type of person with certain qualities, but is about relating to another person. There is a huge difference.
What are you perceptions as to why those who we appeal to rarely appeal to us, while those who appeal to us rarely even acknowledge our existance. If this is the case then I think it would be because of false ideas about self, or false ideas like those I outlined above, whereby people pursue others because they want certain things in their life rather than because they relate to the other person. I have experienced crushes, but I have never experienced the desire to be in a relationship with someone where there was no relationship developing already, because a relationship grows out of relating, which starts with simple acquaintanceship and either grows and deepens or does not.
It is not until you really deeply connect with someone that you can know them as a human being and truly see them and love them. And this is what matters at the end of the day. Those who seek a relationship, or a lifestyle, or to improve by getting and having things, are self-defeating in my opinion.
As someone else said, yes evolving is good, but it is best done together. My special someone and I both have growing to do, insecurities to work through, challenges to face, and we're doing this together, giving each other strength to shine, not because one is better than the other, but because we are able to relate and to learn and grow together. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 5:06:12 AM |
It is natural to evolve and want better for our futures but has the online "menu" style of dating given us too many choices and thus compromised our ability to decide what we really want and what will fit within our dreams for the future?
I believe it is natural to evolve and want better for our lives and our futures however i don't see the connection to online "menu". I don't think we can really know what we want and need fully, we may think we do and often go after that only to find an endless source of emptiness that can never be filled. So many people are viewing relationships as a stage in there evolution now days seeing everyone as lessons in a direction of integration. This is a disturbing direction. People are no longer people to relate to, to love and to accept, but are compartmentalized as interlocking issues that we must get over or resolve. We see others as little red flags to either avoid or get closer to.
The only thing i aspire to or want that is better then i have is more of a capacity to love my special someone. I have a lot of room for growth and want nothing more then to be more secure more whole to be able to express my love deeper then i already do. I used to see my inability to express as deeply as i feel as a flaw but now i see it as being human, and a gift to always be able to love more deeply then we do at the present time. I never want to arrive at some point where i can't see the need to love her more deeply.
What are you perceptions as to why those who we appeal to rarely appeal to us, while those who appeal to us rarely even acknowledge our existance.
I think all people are lovable, however when a person portrays one thing and are not that i loose respect and have a hard time loving them freely enough to relate to them on a truly intimate level of any meaning. I have had crushes like rune3 has talked about but have never perused them at all. The very nature of a crush is a feeling without the context of relationship therefor lacks any substance. They often possess something that we want within ourselves and we must look within when we find ourselves in such a state that a crush produces.
and as rune3 also adds we could never really know if we are attracted to someone without relating to them in a meaningful manner. so the idea that the internet would somehow dilute the process seems silly. Any growth that is obtained by using someone else is not growth, but an ego centric sense of self derived at the expense of someone else's emotional tender spots. Doesn't sound very evolved to me... With my special someone i do find that i am growing exponentially, and so is she. Some times we seem to be growing so quickly that it takes time to allow ourselves to integrate and nurture each other, which is absolutely beautiful. Loving her is the most wonderful gift this world has ever given to me. I would walk through any fire with her, not because i want better or want to evolve but because i love her deeply and passionately.
Live life evolve, Love as deeply as you can, and aspire to love even deeper,
crazylilting | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 5:38:25 AM |
The way I see it - the problem arrises when the other person we seek is also looking for someone a step above where they are in life. Few are looking in their own social class for a partner or so it seems. Perhaps this is why most get so few email responses from those who appeal to them and in the opposit direction - those who contact us always seem to be one step backwards for us on that evolutionary scale (this is just a theory which might explain the lack of responses that many people get to their emails).
I can honestly say that 'social class' has never entered my head when contacting someone. It's pretty much "Is she cute? Is she nice? Does she live remotely near me?"
But I do think you have correctly hit upon a general principal there - most of the people here will be aiming just above their 'level' (be that based on looks, status, etc). Perhaps people need to be more realistic and less judgemental? I'm not talking about 'settling' for less, but more about actually making an effort to contact people, stay in touch, and not 'dismiss' people too easily.
From what I read on the forums, it's almost like people are just waiting for their potential match to give them a reason to be struck off. Both sides just waiting for a mistake rather than trying to see the whole picture. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:08:09 AM |
The way I see it - the problem arrises when the other person we seek is also looking for someone a step above where they are in life. Few are looking in their own social class for a partner or so it seems. Perhaps this is why most get so few email responses from those who appeal to them and in the opposit direction - those who contact us always seem to be one step backwards for us on that evolutionary scale (this is just a theory which might explain the lack of responses that many people get to their emails).
Google "ladder theory" for an cynical but amusing story on this. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:32:35 AM |
That is what is wrong with online dating. Everyone is selling and no one is buying.
Oh not true, I am always buying but then I have to spend my time at the service desk getting a refund. I hate line-ups.
The OP is true of SOME people but I do think there is a percentage...ok perhaps its a small percentage... of grounded people who know they aren't gonna find perfection but rather looking to see which imperfections they feel they can live with and which ones they can't ..to make a decision on a relationship. At least thats my theory and I am sticking to it. | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:47:14 AM | | I think some people on here are looking for someone one step BELOW them. The thinking is, "If this loser won't be grateful for my attention, then no one will." | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:51:01 AM | Yes! I've seen that! Usually from spoiled people who are used to getting their way. And I'm not sure about for men, but I'd say like 40-50% of women I come across are like that..... Those disney cartoons about princes and such seem to have taken their toll, I do know that most women have 6 things that attract them to men.... #4 Is Looks, and #6 is Personality.. All the others things have to do with materialism and money.
I dont think it's just online, but everywhere. Most people are always trying to do better.
Personally I'm not one of those people who're looking for someone better than them.. I'd be lucky if I could just find someone on the same maturity level that's my own age! | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 2:12:54 PM | I view this thread much like I view other threads in which people talk about how someone is out of their league--namely, bs. This thread also sounds like it supports a caste, dating society, which is really freakin' wacky in my opinion. Love shows up where it feels like showing up. Now, after voicing that empty platitude, I'll play this exercise in thought that really doesn't matter--because, ya' know, I'm kind of bored and can't think of anything better to do at the moment.
If everyone were looking to "step up," then no one would "hook up"--EVER. Think about it for a second. Think practically for one moment: A woman makes 60K per year and a man makes 40k per year. The man will get rejected. If you reverse the situation, then the woman gets rejected.
Anyways, since relationships exist and since it appears that there are more people in a relationship then not in one, then this theory doesn't really hold water.
Fun exercise. Thanks!
Edit: LOL! You're only talking about online dating. Meh. Ignore what I wrote. I'm stupid like that! :) | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 2:26:19 PM | Interesting theories OP. I had to think on this one for a few.
My personal deduction: you may be right for a select group of people, but the majority of the men/women who I actually know here and in real life ~ have in fact, met, dated and/or forged relationships with those who basically are at a reasonably "same" level in life that they are. I can only answer for me, but I personally have never used profile trying to "sell myself." I disclose little to NO information about me and my real life. Even during extensive periods of singlehood in my life ~ I posted funnies, not facts. The details of my "real life" aren't necessary to the general public. I suppose "back in the day" if I was contacted by someone who seemed to get my sense of humor, it went from there.
~ I do believe you have a very valid point about some people and some profiles. And, I also think, that is exactly WHY there is so much complaining and negativity here in forums. It must be terribly frustrating trying to sell a product that isn't what it appears to be. I can't see anyone being happy with a Yugo when the advertising clearly stated Ferrari. JMO  | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 2:26:25 PM | I can see what you're saying, but I've been out with all types of people, from not so wealthy to very wealthy. It's the person I want to know, not their bank acct. right off the bat.
As for selling myself on here in a profile, I'm not going to, this is who I am when you meet me online, in person or email or phone. One in the same person.
I like many others here just would like to meet the right person who has a heart and can actually care about another person and see where it goes from there. Not sure if anyone nowadays like that still exists. Most hide behind a facade on their profile and they are not who they wrote themselves out to be. How sad. I'm not going to settle for anyone that lies.
Others have different agendas for being on here. I'm not sure if I'll ever find someone to really click via the internet. Frankly wish I didn't have to do this. But all of my friends are married or older than me.
My theory is to be yourself completely and truthfully.
Jennifer :-) | |
|
| Theory of online dating
Posted: 4/9/2007 2:52:14 PM | I haven't been on this thing very long but I don't think people think that way. I for one, am trying to match up the best person for me.ie:likes,morals,goals,family ties and what is best for me (to live harmoniously the rest of my life.Someone I can relate with in all aspects of his and my little piece of the world.) Yes...I'm picky and why shouldn't I be.What my perception of a down to earth person is ,may be different from someone elses view. I think that you shouldn't put so much emphasis on not gettting acknowledged that you sent a reply to someone. Sometimes it's best left(if the other person doesn't want to hurt your feelings in any way)unanswered, because it may be one tiny thing that the other person thought wasn't quite their match. Lots of time to fish. I'm in no rush. Keep your chin up | |
|
Home
login 
