| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:20:47 PM | I feel silly even typing this. I am a pretty successful business woman. I have been able to move on from a broken relationship quite easily. This one definately has taken some kind of toll on me. Truley one of the shortest relationships I have ever experienced. I finally agreed to meet a man who persued me on POF, I was in the middle of a move and other outside interferences were making it hard for me to find the time to date a little while back. We met and WOW, it took me by such surprise how easily we connected. I realize that first dates should not be 6 hours long( talking). After our first date, this man expressed his eagerness to see me as much as possible. I was feeling excited but nervous at the same time. Was this all "real"? We then met again for dinner a few days later. Again fireworks and the whole nine yards. He was already saying he had found the "one"....I tried to advice him not to put that much pressure on the relationship or me for that matter. Of course I did that in the most tactful way. He wanted to become exclusive after the second date....I am not into multi-dating, so I agreed to concentrate on what we had started. By day 7 of meeting he said he was falling for me(in the love sense) I backed off a little by the 8th day, not wanting to end it, just was happening to soon for me anyways. Alot of plans were being made, with Easter and my b-day coming. We had an argument if you want to call it that. I needed some space, I told him I still wanted to persue things, but needed to slow down and that I was a little fearful of his intentions. After that he just said I "pissed our relationship away"....he won't give me a chance to talk and has now ignored my attempts to reach out. I am having a hard time getting over this for some reason? I even sent him a text saying "happy Easter"....nothing....not even "f off and die". I know I have to let it go, he probably think me a "stalker" now, because of my 3 or 4 times I tried to reach out to him. He was pushing for the relationship and I backed down a bit. I just can't him out of my head. I miss him and maybe the connection was just what I was feeling. You are all probably thinking....very simple "move on". Guess I am a bit broken hearted an alot disappointed.
Happy Easter to all | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:42:10 PM | So basically he wanted to rush things and you wanted to take your time (which is fair) and now he's upset and acting childish?
Be glad that you're rid of him. Relationships that start like a rocket tend to come down just as fast. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:44:37 PM | | You have to let go...this guy was obviously playing you until something better came along..some men are just shallow..or don't have the guts to tell you they don't want to persue things anymore. I too have dated someone who was still in love with his x & could not end things..he took the easy way out..by just ignoring me. I agree a 7 months relationship , deserves more!! Count yourself lucky to be rid of him... | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:45:59 PM | | A couple of thoughts on that. Sometimes the excitement of a new relationship that seems to be to good to be true can cause someone to be over zealous. It just takes a while for the new to wear off and then things can settle down into a more comfortable speed for both people. That can be a tough time for someone wanting to go slower, but in most cases it will slow with time on it's own accord. You probably hurt his feelings and he responded by completely closing the door rather than take a chance on getting hurt further. His response was childish and rash, but he may of had something in his past that made him weary of the way this relationship was starting. I've personally had girls tell me that they wanted to slow down or take a break, when really they were breaking up with me, but used those terms to either let me down slowly or avoid an emotional scene. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:50:30 PM | I would let him cool off - stop trying to contact him.
If he calms down and comes back around - think about things again. If not - consider the fact that he would no doubt be the pouting type when he did not get his way, be glad you found out early. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:56:07 PM | OP,
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Not knowing everything, but reading your post, I know for certain one thing - you did the right thing for you. Accept that you know what is right for you...trust yourself. Let it go.
If this man cannot or will not understand why you needed to slow down, or give you the time and space that you needed, then he is selfish and your needs mean very little to him. Always best to find these things out early on; that's why dating for at least 6 months is a good rule of thumb. It gives a person time to reveal or have revealed, those characteristics and qualities that may not be desirable in a future mate.
Take care of yourself, get things in order in your life. It's a highly stressful time. When you're ready, you'll find that chemistry again with someone who IS worth it. For now, focus on you...you'll know when it's time to toss your line back into the pond.
Until then...Good luck,
Dev
PS. BTW, It is not you who comes off as being the stalker...I question the motives of someone who wants to be exclusive after a second date...NO matter how well things went! | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 8:58:43 PM | You're human!
You listened to your gut instincts (which you should) he was moving way too fast which set off some warning flags.
If it were meant to be... he would have been respectful when you communicated that to him and he would have been willing to back off a bit! To slow things down.
I have to say... I've met and dated 4-5 guys that were really nice but they were jumpen into things way too fast! I couldn't deal with it. I mean I don't know why everyone is in such a rush!
I've found when it happens to fast it crashes and burns just as fast!!
You feel rejected.... NO one likes to feel rejected. That is what is making it more difficult that he's treating you this way.... just think how you'd feel if he cut you off like this after a year! Be thankful he's showing what a A$$ he is so quickly!!!!
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 9:00:53 PM | | He wants to be exclusive after the second date? And you telling him this is moving too fast for you is you pissing "the relationship" away? His silence is a game. Dollars to donuts that he'll let you stroke his ego for awhile with your emails to him, noting that the more silent he is, the more urgent you feel about contacting him. And then after he's played this part of the game, suddenly he'll have a change of heart and contact you again saying he misses you and he'd like to see you. And then you'll upset him again and it'll repeat. What you miss is what you thought it could be. What it would be is a whole lot of emotional torturing. I'd run far, far away. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/8/2007 9:11:36 PM | I have to agree with celticblue.......he sounds like a HUGE control freak with a lot more baggage than just carry-on. He has issues Hun, that you cannot even begin to deal with NOR be responsible for. His silence is your BIG favour. Run and find someone who has more confidence beyond a second date. DON'T let it take its toll on you. You're way better than that. All the best to you.
WD | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 5:58:27 AM | | I had something similar happen to me. I met a guy on POF. We started to talk. He seemed like the only one "real" and rooted in reality. A good sense of humor, twice divorced. He traveled for his job, so we would only see each other when he passed thru my area. He kissed me goodnight twice on our first date last November and by the second or third was head over heels for me. BUT--he said he wanted to take it slow. By early March I sensed him pulling away, not saying he loved me before he hung up the phone. The final week, he was on a business trip and it was not going well. After about 6 days of an occasional e-mail and nothing else, I e-mailed him to ask if he was still interested in having me in his life and if not, to let me move on. He responded the next day, "Move on then. I'm sorry." I got my answer, but in a cowardly fashion. Unfortunately, modern technology allows people to be dumped with no conscience whatsoever. My last three very brief (3-4 month) relationships ended via e-mail or stopped calls. The first thing I did is shred everything with his name on it, photos, letters, cards, etc.,to get rid of evidence that he existed. Now it all feels like a dream and I'm getting on with things although I'm very disappointed--AGAIN. Good luck to you. Do whatever works for you to get him out of your system......... | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:13:36 AM | thank the stars in the heavens and run the other way. Don't believe me? Take a look at the personality you described in your postings. This is a fellow with serious potential for becoming abusive or a stalker.
Emotionally childish. Anger out of proportion to the trigger. Wild swings. If it had gone a different way in three months you might be trying to explain why you were fifteen minutes late home from work.
Remember the name of this system. There are plenty of fish in the ocean, or rather there are plenty of people on POF.
Ketch | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:00:06 AM | I don't find any two guys I meet are ever exactly the same. Everyone has their problems and reasons for behaving the way they do, but there are different types of guys who have similar qualities and problems... you have your control freaks, stalkers..players... Some have a little of all these qualities that you can deal with and some guys, certain qualities stand out more than others that you can't. Someone who comes on that strong that soon - I would run quickly too and be happy that I saw what he was really like sooner rather than later. I have had a couple of experiences like that. Something happened unexpected that pointed out to me that this guy isn't really who he has been trying to show me he is.
He has some definate problems that isn't your problem it is his. He is a guy that just didn't grow up and always wants his own way. It is obvious he has worked hard all of his life to know how to get what he wants quickly and doesn't like it when it doesn't go the way he wants it as quickly as he wants it to. If he is showing you that this soon, how bad will it get later? You are very lucky you did what you did before he tried to take total control over your life.
One guy I e-mailed for a while, then agreed to talk to on the phone. The first red flag was when I found it very difficult to get him to hang up. Usually little hints like "it is getting late and I have work in the m0rning" works for most people - but not him. I always felt like I was hanging up on him. I should have picked up on that and never agreed to meet him, but we usually enjoyed talking - but hanging up part was just very difficult to get him to do. I let it go thinking that he was just lonely and wanted someone to talk to and didn't know when to quit.. ..We were planning to meet in a couple of days so I sent him some pictures, including one of my house but didn't tell him exactly where I lived. The next day I noticed a note on my car - "HA HA - I found you" He had found my house because of the neighbours truck in the driveway in my picture. I just saw it as he was having some fun and it didn't start scaring me until I started seeing a pattern. I haven't really had the experience of feeling 'stalked' before. When I did meet him he talked about knowing we were 'meant for each other' right away. It was nice to have someone think that - but I couldn't get home quick enough and try to find a way to let him down kindly. Lucky for me, when I told him it wasn't going to work out, he didn't bother me any more, but it was a lesson to watch for these little clues and run the other way quickly if I notice them again.
It is very difficult to know who you can trust and who you can't. Some people you are very sure of as soon as you meet the, but it is still a good idea to give it some time to see who the person really is. Some players are really good at what they are doing and know how to behave to get the best results. I find it is best to give them lots of time to see if the behaviour is consistant and if their actions always match their words. If they aren't genuine, they will trip up in their little game sooner or later if you give them enough time to get comfortable enough with you to let their guard down and show you who they REALLY are. Most of the time it doesn't take very long because most guys are not very patient to get what they are playing you for - if that is what they are doing.
I try to trust everyone until they show me they can't be trusted, but I keep my eyes and ears open for clues to keep from getting into something I will regret later. If you don't see this person with this kind of behaviour in your life in 6 months, it is best to move on and not waste your time worrying about it. Think of it as a learning experience so you will know what to do if you run into this kind of problem again.
There are a lot of better fish in the sea and some of them may not be bottom feeders.
Good luck.. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 8:12:21 AM | I think I am having a hard time of this for different reasons....first of all I know I feel a sense of rejection, all I wanted to do was take it a bit slower. Secondly feeling a bit used, wish I was not so quick to trust. I was caught up in the moment. Thirdly, I have always responded to people, even if was just to say, I'm sorry but I don't think its going to work. I am thankful for the support from the all the people who responded. I just have to keep my hand away from texting or e-mailing. Setting myself up for more rejection will start to effect my self esteem, something I have taken years to build.
This on-line dating thing , although it opens doors, the rollar coaster ride is not an easy one. I refuse to believe that I won't meet the "one" for me, whether here or somewhere else. | |
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Tarra
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Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 15 | |
| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:35:58 AM | OP: I am sorry you are hurting and feeling rejected. Please take the wonderful advice that has been given to you here. He showed his "true colors" early on in this relationship. Take that as a sign of future events. Instead of being sad, be thankful !!!
He did you the biggest favor; you just don't realize it yet hon.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost.
Hugs,
God Bless You.
Tara
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:39:36 AM | | GODAMN.......he even frightened me reading that........he sounds like a total nutcase. Poor fool is better off alone and angry I'd say. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:43:51 AM | Thanks alot.....needed that for sure. Tomorrow is my b-day and I was thinking about all these wonderful plans we made to go to a bed and breakfast etc. Came soo close to sending an e-mail asking if we could speak in person, what am I flippin crazy??? Allow him to reject me a 3rd time. Probably just a little emotional cause of the b-day thing. When he met me, he "hide" his profile in order to be focused on just me...then he was back on and now he has "hide" the profile again??? My girlfriends are awsome we are all like a reality "sex and the city" show....they are trying to say...Listen Hun, maybe he really is hurt and is needing a break??? OH YEAH.....thats what it must be!!!!LOL
Again thanks for the continuous support, I am not normally this "weak" .... | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:50:20 AM | I feel like you most of the time, but if we give up we will never get anywhere. I have had my profile in and out of this place so often for the very same reason you won't believe it so I know what you mean only too well.
There are alot of jerks to weed through, but instead of letting it affect your self esteem feel sorry for these jerks and think you are better than them because you don't treat people that way yourself. You have to continue to concentrate on seeing yourself as someone who would be a good person for someone to have in their lives. It is a constant battle, but something we have to do. The amount of rejection on these dating sites is bad for everyone (guys and girls) because there is so many people in here only to play games. Not many people are in here for the same reason we are - to look for a genuine person to have a relationship with. It isn't going to be any different anywhere you go. We have to take the bad with the good. Sadly - there is more bad than good so it is going to be a very long time before we find what we are looking for - probably many years. I have been in and out of these dating sites almost 4 years and I am not too much closer to finding what I am looking for than I was the first day - but I have certainly learned a lot by getting to know people - even all of the idiots and jerks I have met. I have met some nice people too, but not many I have had much in common with.
The percentage of players and jerks on places like this is 99.9%, but if we find that .01% - all the heartakes and struggles will be worth it. We will know the right one when he comes along quicker with each idiot we go through to find them because we have learned what to watch for quicker with all the idiots we had to weed through to find him.
I met someone a couple of weeks ago and we are still getting to know each other. This guy seems very different, but I am still very careful how quickly I will move.. He may not be any different than any of the others, but he may.. and I know have to give it some time to find that out. The difference in this guy and all of the others, is he understands and wants to make me see that all guys are not the same as the other jerks I have met... . It may not last forever, but I am going to enjoy it while it lasts. He has lasted longer than a week which is how long most guys have stuck around so far. Maybe after 4 years, my luck is finally changing???? Maybe - maybe not.. Only time will tell...
Good luck. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:53:47 AM | I'm going to diagnose him as a typical control freak.
He not only showed a childish attitude about OP's requests to slow down, but then did the silence/cutoff thing. I bet if the OP had become exclusive with this guy, he would have been crazy-jealous and made her life miserable.
Doingsomethingdifferent, be content to let this guy go his own way and save yourself alot of heartache. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:53:56 AM | Whatever you are YOUR NOT WEAK....jesus lighten up on yourself woman. If you didn't have the capacity to have them in the first place you'd be a robot who can never love.
You have THE RIGHT feelings just the WRONG bloke....   | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:27:58 AM | | Selective abandonment allows us to create space in our lives for the next exciting chapter. Make conscious choices about what you want in your already-busy life. Be patient; good friendships worth having are not always easy to attain or maintain. The story of the professor's marbles in the jar applies here. Ask, I will gladly share it. | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:35:39 AM | I noticed where you are from(sabrina49)....heads up, he is not far. I would love to save someone, anyone some unneccessary heartache.
Thanks | |
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Tarra
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Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 23 | |
| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:04:09 PM | Spend your birthday surrounded by friends and family that truly love you. Laugh and enjoy this special day. Don't even give him a second thought. He is the loser that was too stupid and self centered to recognize the beautiful heart and spirit you really have. He rushed things and was not sincere at all. You were reasonable in your request. He did what most players do when they have been busted. He ran, because he had no excuse for his actions or behavior. I think he is a user and you are better than that. Don't let him bring you down sweetie. You are much stronger and wiser to let this type of guy have you this upset. He might have swept you off your feet, but he left you standing there to pick yourself back off of the floor. Lose him like the plague.
Warm thoughts and wishes for your Birthday. Have a joyous day.
Tara | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 12:19:29 PM | | Thank you....I will make sure to have a "shot" tomorrow night in honour of all you wonderful people on POF, who are looking for the "real" deal. 35 is going to be my year. Thanks | |
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| I realize I need to let go.....
Posted: 4/9/2007 2:04:27 PM | | hello Doing-some-differ. My heart goes out to you, I know how you feel, I was once in love with a guy then he ended up getting married, then....he broke up with her after 3 months of marriage, now he wants to see me again. This whole thing is too weird. You still might miss him because you really did fall for him and you let yourself go, that is what most girls do, I am so very guilty of that. After being married for 22 years I can really feel the loneliness so I have to be really careful but don't we all!!! | |
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