| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:10:02 PM | I met a woman over a year ago and due to financial and other hardships on her part, I let her move in much earlier than I normally would in a relationship. We get along great, no relationship troubles except I am unhappy with our living arrangments. Is it wrong for me to expect that my house be kept clean? I mean your basic household chores. Clean dishes, clean clothes and a well kept house. I am not anal by any means and I believe my level of acceptable cleanliness is well within normal parameters in the civilized world. I do not require financial contributions for the bills, I cover it all including groceries but she does the cooking. She looks after her own expenses, other than anything house related. I occasionally have to give her money to cover her unexpected expenses like her car repairs, or gas for her to get to work. She was unemployed for a time and is just catching up.
I am tired of having to ask her repeatedly to keep things neat and clean. She agrees to the situation in words but not in deed. After discussing it my house stays clean for a few days and then she gets slack. She only works part-time so I have to say she has no shortage of free time. I personally think our arrangement is more than fair as she gets to live on a level well above her means for maybe an hour or two a day of housekeeping... something that she would have to do on her own anyway.
I don't want to ask her to leave, but I will, and it's almost come to that. I love this woman dearly but I will not be taken advantage of. Any suggestions of what to do before I am forced to take this final step? Am I being unfair? | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:21:25 PM | She does work part-time so I am guessing that one way or another she feels it "shouldn't ALL be her responsibility". And I would have to agree. It just seems that you both have different ideas on how much should be done by who, and to make matters worse "in word but not deed" indicates the communication could be improved, i.e. she'll say what she thinks you want to hear.
Now if she didn't work at all ....... well if you wish to stay home and be a home-maker .... make the home.
I am soooo getting hate mail for this ^^^ | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:18:22 PM |
Is it wrong for me to expect that my house be kept clean? I mean your basic household chores. Clean dishes, clean clothes and a well kept house.
She only works part-time so I have to say she has no shortage of free time. I personally think our arrangement is more than fair as she gets to live on a level well above her means for maybe an hour or two a day of housekeeping.
She looks after her own expenses, other than anything house related. I occasionally have to give her money to cover her unexpected expenses like her car repairs, or gas for her to get to work.
I'm really trying to figure out here who is using who. I mean, it sounds like she's taking advantage of your money, and you're trying to make her your maid (and nagging!). | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:22:55 PM | That's a toughie. I personally would do my utmost to pull my weight and do my share of things. After all, that's what it's all about - sharing each other's loads.
If you feel like you cannot do it all on your own - tell her ~! Doesn't she GET it?? I mean, on the other hand - maybe she has much lower standards than you do.
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:25:06 PM | Whaaaat ?!?
Hes paying all the bills, her gas, groceries ... she works part time and keeps her money in her pocket , the least she could do is keep the house clean.
To the OP , I'm not quite shure what you could do if talking to her has failed , but for what its worth, no I don't think you're being unfair. | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:33:03 PM | | I have to ask if you help around the house or expect your girlfriend to do it all. My guess is that because you work full-time and pay the bills you expect the girlfriend to be the housekeeper. Have you considered having a housekeeper come in one day a week? You can even ask her to pay half. | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:39:18 PM | Harupmph! She can do some stuff around the house. no?
What is her problem; like what important things does she have to do??/ She works, pt. and he works all day and wants a bit of "something" when he returns home. What's the problem with that? | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:53:42 PM | Clematis, who are you to say that she doesn't have "important things to do" when she isn't at work? Maybe she draws, or writes, or reads. Maybe she has a life of the mind? Or are we suddenly shuttling back to the 1950s? Saying that just because she doesn't work full time she has nothing to do shows a lack of imagination, IMO.
OP: She is living with you as your girlfriend, not your maid. Yes, she should do her part, but the fact that you are "supporting her" financially does not mean that she should clean your toilets. Yes, were I in her situation I would do the lion's share of the housework. But I don't really mind housework--some people do. And would I consider it my "job"? Would I consider it my absolute responsibility to clean up after you as well as myself? NO. Absolutely NO. You point out that she would have to clean an hour or two a day "anyway" if she didn't live with you...in what universe? I live alone and I certainly don't clean an hour or two a day, and I keep a clean home. Memories of Sleeping with the Enemy are flooding back to me. And, btw, wouldn't you also "have to" do your own cleaning "anyway" if she didn't live with you? Or would you hire a cleaner--but now think you shouldn't have to?
When you invited her to live with you, was there and agreement in place saying that this--cleaning up not just after herself but after you too--was her role? If yes, fine--you have the right to feel like you have been misused. But if not....well....like I said, she's your girlfriend, not your maid. If you love her as dearly as you say I can't believe you would end it over this unless she is actually slovenly. | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:56:17 PM | | Before she moved in with you, what was her own place like? Did it seem to be as clean as you like to keep your own home, or was it a little lacking? Not everyone keeps things to the same standard. It may be that in that area the two of you don't have the same way of seeing things and she thinks she's already doing enough. | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 12:15:33 AM |
I love this woman dearly but I will not be taken advantage of.
If you love her and you know that she loves you, then you aren't dealing with a mercenary woman. You're dealing with a personality quirk that you'll just have to learn to live with. Yeesh! You love her, but you're thinking about kicking her out because she doesn't like to clean? That doesn't make any sense, but a lot of people don't make sense. Silly people . . .
Ya' know, dust bunnies are very small things! Don't you have bigger worries in your life? | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 12:39:30 AM | Test pilot
i hope this following post helps you a little bit at least....smile
My story is similar but different....lol hows that for a positive/negative
The difference is im in my house and my ex moved in with me
We were both working full time
i did all the cleaning, cooking, washing...everything....the lazy bugger wouldnt even take out the garbage unless i asked
ok so here was the problem
on some days i would come home from work....dead tired....cook dinner and decide the dishes could wait til tomorrow
He would complain that dishes were left in the sink
my retort......well go wash them.....lol....as if he would
anyway......when we eventually split up...one of the reasons he gave was because the house was untidy most days....yes untidy with his stuff lying around
solution
make sure you dont leave your things lying around and you help out when you can
if shes still not helping tell her straight out....
" im being totally honest here, ive asked several times that you help clean around the house, ive put in an effort over the last few weeks and still all your stuff is cluttering up the place. Yes its putting a strain on our relationship and unless you can show an immediate and continuing improvement i will ask you to move out. "
then when the time comes and you tell her to move and she says....What?....Why?
you know you have that convo to fall back on
oh and one last thing....when you do tell her.....tell her three times to make it sink in....smile | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 1:45:24 AM | "Before she moved in with you, what was her own place like? Did it seem to be as clean as you like to keep your own home, or was it a little lacking? Not everyone keeps things to the same standard. It may be that in that area the two of you don't have the same way of seeing things and she thinks she's already doing enough"
I think this probably hits the nail on the head.... | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 2:05:01 AM | What's easier to deal with, finding somebody else you can love, or finding another way to keep your house clean?
It's not that I don't feel your pain, I do, I'm just saying that only you can decide if you care enough to overlook it. Yeah, overlook it, because she's not going to change. | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 2:10:43 AM | "I'm really trying to figure out here who is using who. I mean, it sounds like she's taking advantage of your money, and you're trying to make her your maid (and nagging!)."
ExCUSE ME??? Sorry....but it's not exactly hard to figure out who's getting the better deal in this.......... Tell RAPUNZEL to get her ACT together and CLEAN THE DAMN CASTLE, or go find another knight in shining armour who will pay for her CHARIOT to get fixed....!!! This is the classic example of 'rescuing' if I ever heard it.....and dude...let me tell ya....IF she ever gets her act together in life...gets some lucky breaks...finds a full time job....and gets some money under her belt....you can BET she's going to start talking about keeping money SEPERATE....... Then, she'll not only be FORGETTING to clean the house (It's more than likely her mess anyway, which is why he's complaining)....she'll DARE ya to complain ONE TIME...Because then she'll be singin' the "Independent Woman" fight song....It'll sound like this...."DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I WORK OUT THERE....why don't YOU do it MR. MAN!!???".......I hope you like HELL!!
PLENTY of women out there, with full time careers, kids, and other activities know how to do this ALONG with their MATE....and, back when the earth was still a cooling ORB, plenty of women who were not the equal or major bread winner in the house, knew that they had a ROLE (don't anybody even give me the 'feminist snear either') to balance out duties in a household........being that she's not doing a lot else...and not really PAYING for much.......She needs to do her part.....It's called GRATITUDE.......This sounds more like a cat that was sitting on the front porch...did some purring...ran itself through somebody's legs....and once they got in the door...plopped their butt on the couch.......
If this were a man reported doing this in the forums.....you would hear nothing but HOLY CRAP for him being a lazy azz bum!! | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 2:20:18 AM | | Why can't y'all just divide it all up?!!! Geez! I dont think yer wrong to expect her to cook, or somewhat keep the kitchen a lil' neat most all days, since ya cut her such a break, buuuut I sure wouldn't push everything off on her! | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 2:22:08 AM | I'm going to be a total jerkweed on this! I'm due anyway!!!
When the scenario is reversed...and the guy's the one whom doesn't clean,
has limited financial resources, and has mucho time on his hand...it's usually, "Are you crazy? He's using you!!! Throw the bum out!!!"
But when the woman is the issue, and the male is venting his gripes...it's, "You expect her to WHAT??? Ohhh...how can you be soooo unfairrrrr?...How can you be soooo cruellllll? Everyone's different, and she can't help it...."
What's good for the gander...is good for the goose!!!
Now I'll just sit back...and wait for the storm!!!
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 2:23:06 AM |
If you love her and you know that she loves you, then you aren't dealing with a mercenary woman. You're dealing with a personality quirk that you'll just have to learn to live with. Yeesh! You love her, but you're thinking about kicking her out because she doesn't like to clean? That doesn't make any sense, but a lot of people don't make sense. Silly people . . . Ya' know, dust bunnies are very small things! Don't you have bigger worries in your life?
Indeedy! Never wait around for someone else to do what you can do yourself.:) | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 2:29:33 AM | | Oh man! I also agree mostly with piano4te too! That's sooo funny!!! She is gettin the better deal! Heck she may not even like the OP but just be staying around cuz she got nowhere else to go! Still tho, I'd do a little something and not let her do everything... and when she does a good job, COMPLIMENT HER. If I really want to encourage someone to do something, sugar goes alot further than yer foot up someone's a** | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 3:04:17 AM | I think ascuteasabug has a sensible solution.
You *choose* to give money to your girlfriend.
In return you *expect* that she does cleaning to your standard.
This kind of transaction is actually better kept to paying someone who wishes to be your cleaner, to clean, not imposing such a role on your girlfriend. Stop paying your girlfriend to clean and pay a cleaner!!
It speaks volumes about your relationship that you don't mention it, that all you mention is the state of the house, the money you give her and your discontentment with that. What is really important here? So your girlfriend is not as sensitive to mess as you are, she probably doesn't even see what you regard as mess. At uni I shared a house with 2 girls who had no clue how to clean anything and simply did not see dirt. I'm not terribly tidy myself, but they said when they went home they started noticing how dusty and dirty their parents' houses were. We all have different perceptions of what is an acceptable level of mess/dirt and by trying to say that her view is wrong you're judging her and distancing yourself from her, not being open and relating to her as the woman you love, not as a paid housekeeper. | |
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| Living arrangement expectations
Posted: 4/10/2007 3:21:56 AM | LEARN TO BE MORE VOCAL TOWARDS HER....
If anything that she does in your place bothers you let her know...
If you want her to contribute in cleaning your place, let her know....
If you want her to be more responsible maybe share with the expenses,let her know
If you want this relationship to work between the two of you
LEARN OPEN COMMUNICATION.... that would work a lot more than just
Doing drastic changes without having to talk with each other first.....
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