| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:15:08 AM | | I broke up with my BF last week. I broke up with him in January and he begged me back so I finally gave in. Of course, he was the same and I couldn't take it. So I finally left. Now he's crying everyday begging me back, in tears at work, bawling at night. Then he goes where he gets mad and tells me just to leave. I know its normal to be angry and upset but I can't handle him. I can't handle the stress. I couldn't handle him when we were living together, I can't take it anymore apart either. He swears it can be "rectified" and that it will be different, but I can't risk it. I feel bad that he hurts like this but I can't do anything about it. What do I do?! Have you guys been through this with someone??? | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:20:11 AM | | What do you do? You cut off ALL contact with him... period. You don't want it, you don't need it, you need to just tell him point blank to move on and stop contacting you. Let him cry somewhere else. It's not YOUR problem that he's choosing to behave this way other than the fact that he won't leave you alone. Be firm, don't respond... let it go. If he doesn't stop harrassing you tell him you'll report him for harrassment. It's understandable to be hurt, but this is crazy. Do this for your own benefit. Although he may not realize it now (or maybe ever) it's in his best interest too if you just cease all contact... forever. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:20:44 AM |
I feel bad that he hurts like this but I can't do anything about it. What do I do?!
Sounds like you answered your own question. Nothing. You can't hold yourself responsible for this guys happiness. You tried to be together, then tried to work things out. You know it isn't going to work. Best to just distance yourself from him and the situation. He needs to work it out on his own.
In the words of Ben Harper: "So hard to do, so easy to say, but sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away." | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:22:42 AM | | he just may not be your type. dont call, email, etc. he'll get it. on the other hand, depends on how your relationship had evolved to this point. if you had an on again and off another type of relationship then anything goes. if you can handle it go for it | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:33:27 AM | | You all help a lot -- reinstating my own feelings that I just need to cut it off. He holds me responsible for his happiness and says I need to fix it and make it right. I told him he needs to start taking responsibility especially at 30. He is very verbally abusive but of course says that is nonsense and that what he says is normal in an argument and nothing wrong with it. He says everyone he talks to can't believe I'm doing this to him. At times he makes me feel like I am crazy. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:38:48 AM | | I know it's hard to end a relationship - it's hard to be on either end of a terminated relationship. It's hard to hurt someone you care about. But you deserve to be happy and to be treated better. He will get over it. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:42:12 AM | From what you've said, this guy screams codependent and abuser (maybe not physically, but...)
You're right, he needs to take responsibility for himself. Yeah getting dumped sucks. There's usually some getting over it time, grieving, whatever you want to call it. But if you know it isn't gonnna work, than better to just walk away and live your life. You can't go around carrying other people, they're too heavy.
Oh, and he can't make you feel like you're crazy if you just stop interacting with him. This is an area where you need to take responsibility for yourself. Finish this statement:
You feel crazy when you deal with him, and you don't want to feel crazy, therefore.............
Figure out the answer yet?
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:42:13 AM | Tell him to grow a set of balls and leave you alone.
Tell him the affect on you is both mentally and physically draining and by crying down the phone is only making you dislike him even more. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 9:28:31 AM | It is always difficult to make the HARD decisions. I've found from my past experiences with my friends, usually yo already know the answer, but want to hear and be assured from friends and others that you are doing the right thing.
Move on , hon. You are worth more than he can give you. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 10:59:32 AM | | CUT OFF ALL CONTACT....he needs to explode on his own in order to get back on track....don't feel guilty..............he will laugh about it in time. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 12:25:30 PM | Hi. I took a look at your profile and your note. You so don't need a guy like this. Seems you need to get to date a few different types of guys. You deserve alot more than you are settling for....Keep your chin up and MOVE on. You deserve a man that acts like one. He should be supportive of you - not the other way around.
Good luck | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 1:46:46 PM | Man.... What have you done to him!!!??? Well, DO WHAT HE SAYS AND LEAVE! I dont talk to ANY of my ex's!! Not only because of this, but also because I dont need them hanging around when I have a new gf, making her jealous.
Just cut ALL contact off and he'll get over it alot easier! and better yet, if for some reason you "can't" break off contact, At least hook him up with someone ya know who's an easy lay!  After toyin wit him it's the least you can do.. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 3:28:54 PM | I had a crazy ex like that once. She was crazier than a shithouse rat, drowin in piss.....& that was before I even left. lmao. I laugh thinkin back `bout it all now. Sometimes I wonder if she ever went through w/ the threat of puttin her head in a guillotine. lol. I dont know where she would have gotten 1, but, lol, it was original, atleast | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 4:31:48 PM | You can do it slow or fast.
SLOW METHOD:
Slow ... just drag it along slowly until every single ounce of his self respect - self esteem - pride - self worth has slowly drained from his body.
That is the method my ex wife used. She dumped and divorced me (married 17 years) then kept calling - coming over and bOinking me. That went on for THREE YEARS until .........
It was a little confusing but finally worked. I FINALLY dawned on me I was totally worthless and was 100% undesirable to ALL females.
She would still be at her, slow but sure method, if I had not have finally put a stop to it - and killed all contact with her.
FAST METHOD:
Rip off his head and spit down his neck. Talk about all the hot sex you are getting and how HUGE everyone’s weinersnitzel is - except his.
This seems cruel but actually takes him down to NOTHING much faster than the slow method. Since he will crash faster he will get over the denial faster and begin to start to heal faster.
What ever you do - DON’T BOINK the poor guy anymore. It confuses us. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 4:38:54 PM | The thing is that there is an entirely reasonable sense of responsibility for the hurt feelings of the person you have broken up with. Everyone says "no contact" but you have fears of what that might lead to, you know you would feel responsible, that you do feel responsible -- not as much as he is pushing on you, but in part.
I don't think that "no contact" is the best option unless the two of you being in contact seriously offers no possibility for healing and is only damaging (for either or both of you). My choice would be to try to remain a friend, to offer support and allow them to emotionally lean on you, but don't get emotional with them -- you don't lean on them at all... For example, you can listen to him and sympathise, but don't share your own feelings with him. You can potentially be his friend but you have to totally disconnect from the girlfriend role and for a while hold back from sharing your feelings with him, until he is healed and you can perhaps relate as actual friends again.
I think this is a terribly difficult question, and it's certainly a terribly difficult period to go through, but if you have instincts to try to help him, then I believe it is possible, if you are sufficiently strong at this time. You don't have to accept any poor or inconsiderate treatment from him, but there are ways to reject behaviour without necessarily rejecting the person. I went through something like this with my best friend and I am happy to say that our friendship grew to seem now unbreakable after going through this difficult time, and neither one of us believes that it would have been better if we had cut off contact, even though at times it seemed it might be easier. You can be a friend, be a shoulder to lean on -- just keep your own emotions under tight control around him and don't let him trigger you into emotionally reactive behaviour. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 5:09:55 PM | Having contact with someone like this, is only giving him false hope, that things will go back to how they were. Cutting it off completely is the kinder thing to do, and the quickest way for you to be able to move on.
You said he was verbally abusive, to you. That is being controlling, and what he is doing now is also trying to control you with your emotions.
He is trying to guilt you into going back to a relationship that isnt working, because by leaving, you have taken the control back for your own life.
You shouldnt talk to him at all, because feeling bad and trying to help him, is giving him the opportunity to weasel his way back into your life.
He is a grown man, and needs to act like it.
Sorry, breaking up with someone is even harder sometimes, than having it done to you, in my opinion.
Good luck, Go forward and , Dont look back. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 5:46:47 PM | You can try what I had to tell my ex-husband when he said he'd "change"... I told him "you can't change who you are anymore than I can change who I am"
Good luck hon | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:17:24 PM | I agree...stop corresponding. No one enjoys talking to themselves! There are times when the phrase "Silence is Golden" comes handy. Use it. Remember, the more you talk (respond), the more ammunition it gives. When you voice your thoughts...then HE knows your thoughts...and is ready for you. If you are silent, then it leaves them wondering or it will make them go away. I have known men that love to keep you stirred up emotionally so they can know whats on your mind...to know what you are thinking. If you dont respond, this is a way of letting them know they are no longer getting to you and that it is truely over ( lost control over you). Eventually, he will move on. Best of luck to you hun!
BTW...why dont ya do what I do when it gets to be a bit too much to handle! Call your brothers! (I have 8 of em!) Let 'em whoop his ass!!! If you dont have any brothers...then just deputize yourself about 5 or 6 of em...and let 'em go to work on him! That'll learn him, durn him! 
Good Luck,
Shug | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/11/2007 5:12:32 AM | I agree with rune3 here. not that you should stay in contact or not as you only really know what is going on completely we are only hearing snipits at best. Its shocking how many people are so ready to write people off and and move on without any concern for the relationship that they have created with someone be it good or unhealthy. There has only ever been one relationship that i had to completely cut off all contact with them. and it was only because i was not emotionally mature enough to handle the loss and maintain a healthy healing relationship there after.
When we choose to be with someone we have put in action a system of behaviors and feelings that are more then just who "I" is but form a "we". When we take this lightly we are completely unaware of what we create. Just how we effect our partners and how they effect us. When something goes wrong it is a natural tendency to want to separate ones self from the person so that we are no longer part of the system that turned out so badly.
We can say that if a person has become dependent on that system that they are co-dependent and there for are defective and we must run as far away from them as possible. However this is a very narrow and limited view of the facts. If we find ourselves in a situation like this we have enabled that person to be dependent on us instead of empowering them and nurturing them to wholeness. So in essence we are partly responsible for the co-dependence that exists. When we cut them off or out of our lives we also loose the ability to heal this part of ourselves. Sure we think by not repeating a few behaviors in the next relationship that we have healed it but again this is a limited view of the facts.
We as a human race need to take more responsibility for all of our relationships not just the good ones. If we continue seeing ourselves as completely separate we don't stand a change to heal ourselves and the world around us. Living in harmony means we need to touch peace within our experiences, not cut out any experience that seems chaotic.
crazylilting | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/11/2007 6:34:15 AM | Ron9, I almost always completely disagree with your advice, but I do give you props on this one!
What ever you do - DON’T BOINK the poor guy anymore. It confuses us
AMEN Brother!
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Algy
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Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 23 | |
| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/11/2007 7:27:53 AM | | All very well thought-out and considerate advice so far. While I have great respect for Rune’s opinion, I have to disagree on this occasion. I agree with the fact that he needs a friend, and he needs help, but if he can’t accept responsibility for his feelings or actions, he is not ready to be helped. Your continued attention in any form is counter-productive and is prolonging a situation which is unhealthy for both of you. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/11/2007 10:28:52 AM | | Its hard to end Relationships, But If you take him back and he hasnt changed .. He'll Never Change..Best thing to do is Loss all Contact with him what so ever and Move on with your life, Theres Plenty of Fishes On this site LOL.. | |
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| Break up --- how to get the guy to move on?
Posted: 4/11/2007 10:30:53 AM | I've found, sometimes you just have to break off all contact... your feeling bad is only going to make it harder for you when you have to keep pushing them away.
Its like having to break up 10 times and not one. My advice is to say goodbye and dont look back. Stop all communication. | |
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