| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/11/2007 6:47:00 PM | | But they love you, and they love spending time w/ you. You have so much in common. And you are falling for them too. But there are periods of snappiness and coldness, and you can tell sometimes there is feelings of pain fighting against need, Sometimes you feel like your in her category of not favorite people, at the moment. Is this making any sense to any one out there? She knows she has this problem. I just have to be strong.... and patient Right? | |
|
K-lo
|
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 2 | |
| |
| |
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/12/2007 6:09:32 AM | | Strong and patient won't do it. You need to talk about it. When new relationships start it begins a healing process that attempts to resolve old issues left over, and if there is no healing there is no progress and all that happens is you repeat the previous blunders. By talking you get to see how the situation causes the feelings. Once that is out in the open you have choices, and by you I mean the pair of you. If you back off and wait in silence you will become the same evil **stard she escaped from the last time. You have to make it a subject for discussion when things get weird and cold and snappish. Like, this is kind of strange, how does it feel? Look deeper and see what is beneath the surface. Both people have demons to exorcise. | |
|
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/12/2007 6:31:21 AM | Honestly, I'd be cold and snappy too if you were on a dating site listed as single with no mention of me whatsoever. Beyond that....
Yes, you have to be strong and patient, but you also need to communicate with her. Communicate how she makes you feel (whether it be good or bad). Don't blame her or be nasty about it, just say 'Hey, sometimes when you do such-and-such it makes me feel like you don't want to be around me and that confuses me'.
Also...are her mood changes around specific things...like, um....let's see, one of mine is grabbing me from behind. When Welder does that I know I tend to get short and snippy for a little while with him. Even though he does it to tickle me or kiss me, in the past i was grabbed from behind when my ex-husband wanted to physically abuse me. So it has negative connotations for me. So, does she get in those moods when something in particular happens or is said? If so, you might want to try to stop doing it.
Good luck
~Welder's Girl~ | |
|
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/12/2007 6:35:45 AM | Great advice jumbo....the first step in solving issues is being aware that you have them and how they effect people that you love...but the Op's partner may actually have some professional help if in fact the prior relationship was that bad. He really has to be proactive to see if this cycle can be broken. | |
|
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/12/2007 7:00:39 AM | Up front, I need to say that I think people need to resolve relationship issues from the past before entering into new relationships. They do this by remaining single and dating around, not sleeping around. Dating can mean all kinds of things short of emotional and physical acts/intimacy. It also precludes committment. There is a grieving process that needs to be completed before a person can objectively relate to a new partner. Not only is greiving required, but also time to establsih a new identity built around self-confidence and self-assuredness.
However, I also think there is only so much that can be accomplished outside of an active relationship. So, even after dealing with past "issues" relating to a previous relationship, a person entering into a new relationship will still experience some discomfort as further "back issues" can become triggered by the presence of the new person in their life; issues that remained dormant when not engaged in an active relationship.
Yes, good communication is vital but be aware, if one person is farther along the path to healing and waits for the other person to catch up, they run the risk of being frustrated with the slower person. The slower person then feels unfairly pressured and the relationship may founder.
It is ineffective in most cases to enter into a relationship for the purpose of reducing pain or from a sense of entitlement (or to prove I can still get someone). Experience will tell you that the type of person you are attracted to when "hurting" is not the same person you will be attracted to once the healing and stabilizing is done. I think that is why so many second/subsequent relationships end. The person sees life through a whole new set of eyes once grief has wound its way and comes to the realization that the one they are with is actually the one they "settled" for. They then seek the freedom to find the "right one".
| |
|
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/12/2007 7:02:16 AM | | They are not ready for a serious relationship... I would walk away if I was very interested in one and they werent... or at least make some distance. They can blow up at someone else... I prefer to not be someones punching bag. | |
|
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/13/2007 7:03:20 AM | The Op says there are periods of snappiness and coldness...
and also, sometimes you feel your in her category of not her favorite people.
and I just keep going ya, and again okay...It's strange but I have experienced this
"phenomena' with a few women, a matter of fact I think the bulk and I have had three long term relationships, and other dates...it sounds standard to me...lol...
also, you ask you just have to be strong and patient, within reason yes...
but, if you feel boundaries are being crossed then you better say so.
We all go threw adversity, if she is that volatile or emotional still, then that suggests that she isn't over her past marriage, not romantically but, emotionally...
It should be behind her, she isn't carrying it well or, she gets a little nasty and not so nice, coupled with being distant...sounds like classic push and pull thing, at times...
and that is a possibility, you are just starting out...so that is also a red flag...you are feeling it yourself.
that is why you posted this...So love is blind but, keep one eye open... | |
|
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/13/2007 8:37:44 PM | When a heart has been hurt and scarred, it can take awhile to heal. Of course the bad memories are going to be there. It's a painful process to overcome for some people. Obviously she wants to care and love again if she's dating you. Have a heart to heart talk with her, let her know you're there for her, show her that you care, be her friend, understand when she has bad days and make an extra effort. Make new and pleasant memories to replace the bad ones. Be strong for her, be patient for her. Do the things for her her ex never would. You're making the effort to try by reaching out for advice. It's easy to see you do care. Too many guys simply start out caring just to win the woman over, then their caring ways vanish once they think they have you. Of all things that can be damaged, the heart takes the longest to heal. Best of luck. She's lucky to have someone that cares. | |
|
| They still have memories about there last bad marriage.
Posted: 4/13/2007 8:47:36 PM | P.S.
Someone here made the comment that you should walk away. If people truly care, they work at things. Walking away is easy for those that can't deal with life if the going gets rough. Those are the ones who don't want a relationship. There's going to be bumps along the way, either you want to stick the ride out and take the minor bumps that you hit along the way....or you bale and run at the first bump. | |
|
Home
login 
