| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/12/2007 11:18:17 PM | Reverting to primitive sentences as it is late and I am tired.
The story: I like guy. Guy likes me (so he says). Guy just got out of a relationship and is not sure if he wants to start a relationship with me because he is afraid that I would be a rebound. Guy does not want to hurt me.
The questions:
1. What should I do? I don't want to get into a relationship only to get hurt in the future. I really like this guy and want to make it work, even if that means waiting. I want to tell the guy that I would wait for a real relationship, but I don't want him to think that I rejected him, i.e. i honestly want to wait until he sorts out his feelings for his ex, etc.
2. If I somehow get it across to him that I would wait, should I remain friends with him during this time or cut off contact? I feel that if I remain freinds with him, then I can at least help him through the breakup. But there's many problems with that scenario since I don't know how much I can realistically remain objective when hearing him speak of his ex, etc. Also, I don't want my feelings to get any deeper if in the end, he decides he cannot get over his ex and needs time to be alone, etc. However, if I cut off contact, and not remain friends, I would miss him dearly. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/12/2007 11:33:06 PM | It sounds like neither one of you is ready. I have added rebound relationships to my "what not to do list". It's nothing personal, it's just that people need time to heal.
Sometimes people have the best of intentions, and want to move forward. There is a huge difference between moving forward and letting go (of the past, of the last partner, etc.)
I say that I think neither one of you is ready because firstly, it's fresh and raw for him. He's already thrown the red flag your way, at least give the man credit, he's been honest and admitted it might be a rebounder.
You've weighed the "friends" option until his emotional scars heal, but then say him speaking of his ex might be a problem for you. Believe me, his ex is going to be on his mond alot while he sorts himself out. So, even if he doesn't mention her, he is thinking about her, and no matter how wonderful you may be, the memory of her follows him everywhere, including when you are with him. He may not be able to debrief with you about her, making for a strained friendship. If you can get past this, a friendship might work. It's a difficult call, and only one you can make. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/13/2007 10:29:37 AM | [The story: I like guy. Guy likes me (so he says). Guy just got out of a relationship and is not sure if he wants to start a relationship with me because he is afraid that I would be a rebound. Guy does not want to hurt me.]
You have to decide if the joy of having him is worth the risk of losing him. It sounds like he may be a nice boy if he cares about you.
Only you can decide if he is worth the risk. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/13/2007 8:46:22 PM | To answer the question you asked in the subject line.... they can, but they typically don't.
I admire him for being up front with you about just being out of a relationship and not wanting to get into a rebound situation. That's good for him.... and for you. Why not work on the friendship end of things and just see what happens? It sounds like you two barely know each other (unless I mis-read something here), so becoming good friends is a win-win situation. It's good that you two like each other. And when you say you would wait for a "real" relationship.... friendship IS a real relationship. The best intimate relationships are friendships anyway, whether they involve sex or not. But it almost sounds like you reject friendship with this guy as an option.
LadyGreenEyes was right when she said he IS going to think about his ex and he probably will talk to her and about her somewhere in all this. That's normal. It would also be normal for them to try to get back together.... that's pretty common although it doesn't always happen.
I would say talk with him about what you are thinking and feeling. It sounds like you feel you are already in love with him, although you won't use the words to say that. Examine what's going on with you and be honest. And there is really nothing wrong with a great friendship until he can sort himself out, even if it doesn't become something more. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/13/2007 8:54:17 PM | I think that you have to respect him and what he has told you. If you let the relationship go for now, he may come back into your life later when he is ready for a relationship.
Rushing into a relationship is never a good idea, and when one person has voiced serious misgivings, listening and respecting what they are saying may be best. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/14/2007 12:27:20 AM | | I personally don't believe rebound realtionships work out very well. If you decide to do this, be his friend and don't give him any advice on how to handle her or his feelings. Someday it will be good to hear what he didn't like about his previous relationship, but definitely not on a daily basis. You don't have to spend all your time together and when you do have some fun. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/14/2007 1:33:27 AM | I don't want to get into a relationship only to get hurt in the future.
Neither does anyone else. Kind of an obvious statement, even if he isn't getting over an ex, isn't it?
I really like this guy and want to make it work, even if that means waiting. I want to tell the guy that I would wait for a real relationship, but I don't want him to think that I rejected him, i.e. i honestly want to wait until he sorts out his feelings for his ex, etc.
Then tell him that. If he doesn't understand, then that's his problem, not yours.
If I somehow get it across to him that I would wait, should I remain friends with him during this time or cut off contact?
Definitely stay friends. How else are you going to decide that you want to see him in the future?
I feel that if I remain freinds with him, then I can at least help him through the breakup.
Just listen. That's help enough.
Also, I don't want my feelings to get any deeper if in the end, he decides he cannot get over his ex and needs time to be alone
Contradiction of what you said previously. Friendship--even without romantic interest--gets deeper. That's what friendship is. The contradiction is that you don't seem willing to remain his friend unless you are rewarded with the "gift" of being a romantic significant other after you've been his "friend." You seem to want a reward for being his friend--that reward being something more. Friendship doesn't work that way.
If you choose to be his friend, then be his friend, knowing that it's possible that you might be nothing more in the future. If you don't like that idea, and if you think cannot do it, then don't bother being his friend.
It really isn't that complicated. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/27/2007 7:16:36 AM | Thanks for the replies everyone.
I do realize that rebound relationships don't work..so I am not inclined to start one. However, he doesn't seem to want just a friendship either...so I am confused with what he wants. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't want to regret losing me either. If we were just friends, I would be free to date other people...
A related question: Is it true that once a guy sees you as a friend, it is hard for them to see you as a lover? If this is true, I don't know if moving forward as just friends - if even only temporarily - is a good idea, since I really would like for us to try at a relationship sometime in the future. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 4/27/2007 11:44:02 AM | Rebound relationships can work, they just don't typically work long term. It's ok to be in a rebound relationship, as long as you don't make any life commitments in them for 1/3 of the length of your previous relationship.
Is it true that once a guy sees you as a friend, it is hard for them to see you as a lover?
That's how WOMEN think. For a guy, if he's sexually attracted to you, it doesn't matter if you're a friend or not, he'll see you as a lover. Yeah... we all want to do our hot friends... except maybe the ones that are psychotic... and even then we still want to do her but are just too afraid she'll come after us with a freakin knife. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 7/5/2007 6:09:40 PM | I've been seeing this girl for just a few weeks and there is some great chemistry there. However, she has been separated from her husband for four months and just recently filed for divorce, which will be final in a few weeks. She told me she saw a guy briefly a couple of months ago and broke it off because it was a rebound.
She was honest with me and told me she LIKES (emphasis hers) me a lot, is not quite ready to get into a serious relationship, and "I don't want to mess this up". As much as I am into this girl I definitley do not want to be a rebound for her. In the meantime we will keep hanging out and doing things as we really enjoy each other's company. I am willing to give her some time (not forever though) and hope that when she's ready we can take it to the next level. The convo did not come across as the dreaded kiss of death "let's be friends" speech at all. I'd rather wait and have something solid with her than jump into something and have it be a rebound job. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:25:10 PM | Think the best thing to do is to be totally honest with each other in this regard.If he is as serious as you are about him then waiting should not be a problem.It only becomes a problem when it involves desperation by either of you.I suggest that you get in touch with him straight away and tell him as it is.Simple go for it. There is nothing worse then not knowing.Actions speak louder then words. If its meant to be then it will.
Obviously in the time you are waiting you should remain friends but keep contact minimal until you are both ready.Just ask him if he thinks he will get over his ex and see what he says if he cant then quite frankly you are wasting your time and his.So its better to grab the bull by the horns and find out.Do it now | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:15:02 PM | I believe one needs to clear all their emotional baggage before starting a new relationship. It depends on how emotionally clear he is from his ex. Sometimes it is over long before the actual split.
Do they work...... I know an ex bf met someone a few months after we split of a 2yr relationship and asked her to marry him within 2 months and they married a year later.
So, I would answer by saying it depends on each situation. Some do, some don't.
Be observant of how he is. If he talks about the ex, ****es about the ex, still has contact with the ex, etc. | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:53:23 PM | | 99.9% of rebound relationships do not work out for the long haul, they are what they are. if your seeking long term comitted relationship, your knocking on the wrong door | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 6/20/2008 9:56:21 AM | I wonder if someone can answer my question about this. I am not sure what exactly a rebound situation is. What if you really care deeply for someone.
She is breaking up with someone. You went out before here and there, and had a deep connection in many ways, but because of misunderstandings you broke up. It is kind of long distance now, but I may possibly be near her sometime next year. We are like best friends, and I don't really need more than her being my best friend, because I am not expecting anything from her. I have always changed the way I talk to her, understand much more, and she can feel that, and we have a much better connection, and I really appreciate the friendship. She knows I care about her more than as a friend, but she also knows I care about her no matter. I give her space, we are very open with each other and share many things in common. I have even expressed that I care about her deeply and she has warmed up to that somewhat when she found that I talked to her differently and beyond the things in common the communication is better. I don't really have expectations. I just love my best friend. I wouldn't mind something romantic, I am open to it. I am just not sure how to approach this beyond just relaxing in the friendship and that's all.... | |
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| rebound relationships...do they ever work?
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:27:46 AM |
I do realize that rebound relationships don't work..so I am not inclined to start one. However, he doesn't seem to want just a friendship either...so I am confused with what he wants.
No confusion at all. He wants sex with no emotional commitment. That is why he is telling you he is worried about a rebound. He is already planning to move on, even if he doesn't realize it himself.
The reason rebounds rarely if ever work is because the person rebounding is going through a healing process. Often they patch up their self esteem and bruised egos by hooking up with someone. It proves to themselves they are still attractive and someone will want them. As they get stronger they realize the person they rebounded with is not what they are truly looking for and they move on.
If he is not content to be friends, but insists on keeping you at arms length due to rebounding, he just wants sex and ego building. | |
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