| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:24:06 AM | | When you find out a very good friend/relative has just been diagnosed with cancer & only has 6months to a year to live. I know everyone says just being there will help. But have you been in this very hard situation & what did you say or do? | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:43:47 AM | | Speaking from experience I would have to say that you have to be creative. My father had cancer and the rest of my family had a hard time dealing with it so I took it upon myself to be the supporter. I told my father that I would be there for him and that science has advanced so far that he has nothing to worry about. I looked at the facts and went from there. Sure enough I was right based at what I looked at. I'm sure each case is different and requires various approaches. If there's any further advice you require I'd be more than happy to help you. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:56:16 AM | I went through this two years ago with my grandfather.... i made sure i was there every day not knowing which of those days would be his last one..... though i had 38 years with him I learned the most about him in those last few months..... before he went in the hospital he'd sit at watch me work around his house, giving me those ideas of his. Doing those little extras for him at Christmas when I knew it was his last one.... how much fruit cake can an old man eat! LOTS...
Depending on your relationship with the person will determin what you do. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:06:42 AM | | This is something you wouldn't even wish on your worst enemy in your dreams. Everyone is right. Being there is the absolute best thing. You want to try to distract the person as much as you can. If you have any kind of history with them, 'remember when' seems to work really well. You can also tell them, and this seems to be appreciated, that they can talk to you about anything they want, but unless they bring it up, you have better things to talk about, just like the 'remembering when' happy times. Also keep the person's personality in mind. I once told a friend he was just doing that to piss me off, because he knew I couldn't do this, that, or the other by myself. For that person, that one little thing worked well from the first day until the last day. And most importantly, not for you, but for them, is to be strong. You can break down anytime you want, but not in front of them. I'll be thinking about you. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:08:50 AM | Op,
Not much you Can say or do...for them. Be supportive etc etc...
But... there is something you can do for yerself. Mentally prepare for the inevitable...
My condolences.... | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:32:13 AM | yes i have been i was there none stop was there when they died by there side nothing could be able to take me from them.
father cancer
mother chf
nephew kidneys failed
x-husband gullan barron syndrome
grandmother chf
were they aware i was there yes all but my nephew he died three times but the first time closed his brian down.
love them cherish every moment
for tomarrow is never promised | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 5:56:56 PM | My good buddy was told by doctor that he had throat cancer after having an endoscopy(sp?). I take the , "there's always a chance it will go away,do what YOU can do to help your own situation,but don't worry about what you can't control", stance. Then after 10 days of waiting for test confirmation..doctor was wrong,buddy was fine. And people really do get miraciously better at times so you can only hope for the best.
My Gram (God Rest Her Soul) lived for years after doctors said ,"say your last goodbyes". She played that "remember when" game and just liked people being around even if you'd just be over there taking a nap on the couch. And if you missed a day she'd say, "where were you at,you missed dinner yesterday".She showed no fear til the last few days when she said, "I'm in a real pickle now". That was the only time I ever seen her worried in the least. She was one tough lady. My opinion is to spend time with them and don't make them feel like everyone wrote them off already. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/14/2007 6:59:14 PM | | Thanks to all for the input, I appreciate it! | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/15/2007 9:38:24 PM | sorry...this is a sad subject :( :( :(
remember this song by garth? ill post the words... if "song lyrics " arent allowed....let me know....im not sure of what all we r allowed to post.
"The Dance"
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:34:13 PM | I figured the song woulda been "Live Like You Were Dying"
At any pace, having been in the situation a few times and watching a family friend fight a terminal sickness right now my outlook is differnt. We just don;t talk about what w eknow is coming and will face it when it arrives, but til then even the smallest things together are the largest triumphs as friends. Us all going to McD's some days is a feat that almost wipes her out all together. But I wont put her down or discourage her at all. Thats why she is still around now 4 months after what docs told her she would of lived. Just be there and don't say to little or too much, just show love no matter what happens. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/16/2007 7:47:38 AM | | my ex-mother in law passed away from lung cancer at a young age, all you can do is be with that person and let them know that you care and love them..... and make them as comfortable as possible! | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/16/2007 5:18:14 PM | Now is the time for closure. Say everything you need to say and get everything off of your chest. Make yourself available for whatever needs to be taken care of................and now is the time to plan funeral arrnagements.
When I lost my wife and daughter, I didn't have the luxury of telling either one of them how much I loved them. They were killed instantly.
So use your time wisely, and I will have you and your friend in my prayers.  | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/17/2007 4:27:40 AM | If you don't know what to say, then tell them so. I have found that being honest with them is the best thing that you can do for them. If they want to talk, they will most likely pick the person that is honest with them to talk to.
I have dealt with this issue with several friends/relatives and that is the one thing that they all said that they appreciated the most. That someone was willing and able to talk openly and honestly with them about their disease and it's progression.
Get ahold of hospice and talk with them. They usually have some very good ideas as to how to help. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 4/17/2007 7:06:44 AM | Thanks so much everyone, great thoughts on this.  | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:10:28 PM | I saw this and it all comes back like it was just yesterday, I said oh my sweet Bruce I am so sorry I love you so much and we just found each other life in not fair. I will keep my promises to you , I will take care of you , love you , keep your dignity , laugh and cry with you. I will be your voice !
He died at home on Sept. 22 2006 with me holding his hand and my other hand on his loving heart. Thank you Bruce for loving me the way I all ways needed to be. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/3/2007 10:30:51 PM | | I'd say nows the time to commit that murder you have always wanted to. Hey why not at least make them laugh. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:21:30 AM | cleve...that is so not even funny! omg i cant believe you would put that! i guess you dont read all the forum topics or you would have never said that!
i agree with telling them you dont know what to say. Both my parents died of cancer and your friend may be one that survives. Your friend will want you to continue to be the same person you were before. They need their friends to stick by them tho. My dads friends stopped coming around once he was diagnosed.
Be there to listen...It may be what your friend needs, just a shoulder to cry on and someone to cry with. but you also need to be strong. If you tell your friend you dont know what they need they will tell you what they do need and you can be that person. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/6/2007 8:35:38 AM | Ill be here thick or thin,ill be the one holding your hand when you feel you cant get up. Ill help you remember God is the only one who knows how much time you have,so live every day to the fullest.
Just knowing they wont face it alone,i think thats the best thing. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/6/2007 8:45:37 AM |
cleve...that is so not even funny! omg i cant believe you would put that!
The OP asked what we would say and what we would do. I deal with things by interjecting humor, I offered how I would handle cause thats who I am. It made no mention of a back story so I am not gonna apologise for what I posted. I have gotten plenty of e-mails saying that what I posted was both inappropriate AND funny. What person, no matter the circumstances could not use a good laugh. Get over yourself and come down off that holier than thou pedestal you think you are on. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/7/2007 9:23:39 AM | I agree with what DSL said in message # 3;
<div class="quote">Depending on your relationship with the person will determin what you do
I watched my Dad battle colon cancer for 2 years.
The hardest part came on a Christmas Eve when the doctor called and said there was pretty much nothing else they could do. He passed away a few months later.
That was the toughest Christmas Eve ever. I cried all night in bed, and I'm sure my sisters did to. We knew the end was coming for sure that time. I was lucky to have him for 37 years in my life.
My advice is to use that time to talk to them about anything. Learn more about their past that you didn't know.... just talk about anything... or don't talk much, just be there. Does the person like watching movies or sports or playing chess?
Just do what makes them comfortable being with you.
Eventually they will loose their voice from getting weak, and eventually the ability to be present in the moment because they will be on massive pain relievers.
Just be there for them. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/7/2007 11:08:37 AM | | There isn't a whole lot you can say. I went through this and it is hard. You just have to be supportive and try to make every day the best it can be. Stay positive and optimistic. | |
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| What do you say?
Posted: 11/7/2007 11:22:10 AM | You say everything you've always wanted to say and never did because you thought you'd have plenty of time to do it. You say I love you as often as possible not just with your words but also with your actions. Laugh with them cry with them and most importantly just be there that's about all you can do!  | |
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