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 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 1
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Single (never married at all) men over 45Page 1 of 29    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29)
As I have looked over personal ads for dating/friends/ whatever, I have seen many that have "single" in their profile. I have always wondered why women and men that get to this age have never married at least once. (I waited until I was 31 to marry hoping to be mature and find the right man.)

I find many men that put single down but get a feeling it may be different.

Why do people remain single at all? Tuka
 rOckNrollChiCk33
Joined: 3/10/2007
Msg: 2
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 7:54:14 PM
ummmmmm......because there is a life out there without marriage? most people get married just because it's something you're supposed to do. F**K that.
i will some day, but am in noooooooooo rush.
 dust2gold
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 3
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 8:28:10 PM
I wonder if putting divorced makes you look like damaged goods? Personnally I think single and divorced are one and the same.
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 4
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:02:30 PM
I find that it's word play a lot of the time. People don't like the negative connotations with certain categories and would rather use a descriptive that sounds less severe.

In chatting with some single fellows, I have discovered that it means divorced, married and looking to have an affair, separated, out of a common-law marriage, in a common-law marriage and looking for an affair, a childless parent (ie, rarely sees kids), dating someone but looking for an affair, etc. Only on a couple of occasions has it meant never been married. Interesting, isn't it? So, I have found a certain amount of deceit associated with that descriptive, and because of this I see it as a red flag. Maybe that's unfair of me. I do try to give single fellows the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes it's such a stretch. lol
 wildflowerkitten
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 5
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:27:14 PM
Single and divorced are the same to me too, but I list divorced just in case someone has a religious background that doesn't allow that kind of thing. Never married at all, a bit of a danger sign if you yourself are looking for a marriageable person, unless they happen to have been in a long term relationship that just didn't bother to get formalized.

Hee, Ooli oop, I've found the same thing. I never take single to mean never-been-married until I've actually talked to the guy. And even then, well there is that nasty deceit thing going. Some people just don't seem to connect the "single" word with "not being married and still living with her" definition.
 sweetprof1
Joined: 4/2/2007
Msg: 6
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:35:17 PM
I always ask what he means by 'single' because more often than not it doesn't mean 'never married.' I do know a couple of men it really applies to, but in most cases it's an inaccurate description. They are frequently divorced, too often still married but separated and don't say it on here for whatever reason. I asked a friend of mine who calls himself single when really he's separated and he says he feels 'single in every way so that's how he describes himself.

I have a problem with it myself - if you can bend the truth a bit in this area, does it make it easier for you to bend the truth in other areas? I'm not sure of the answer to my question, but I tend not to like being told 'single' then finding there's a legal wife somewhere in the picture. I'd prefer to stay away from any potential drama and not letting me know you are separated, not truly single, prevents me from making a choice until I've already spoken with you - I don't really like that.
 Gone7077
Joined: 8/6/2006
Msg: 7
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:48:06 PM
Why do people remain single at all? Many reasons I suppose, to not finding the "right" person to economic circumstances.

I'll tell you how I have ended up past 45 and not married. It is not where I wanted to be. Never would I have thought twenty-five years ago that this would be the case. I was involved with someone for 16 years. I asked her many times to marry me, and she didn't. There was always some reason. Finally she cheated on me and left me. She admitted that she was a "commit a phobe" later.

Why did I stay? I hoped things would change.

Now when people see that I am "single" and "never married" they assume that I am some type of playboy or player. Or loser. They can't know the truth of course. But it is assumed that there is something wrong with me. If the state where I lived recognized common law marriage I would claim it.

So that's my story. Don't always think that it is by choice that someone has gotten beyond 45 and not married. ''
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 8
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:57:04 PM
I have a problem with it myself - if you can bend the truth a bit in this area, does it make it easier for you to bend the truth in other areas?


Exactly! I, personally, do not like to date separated men because they usually have not processed the end of their marriage/significant relationship. They say you need to go through every major holiday or familiar date at least once after a divorce has been finalized before you can finally begin to let go. Sometimes it can take years to process a failed union. So, if someone is separated, I don't appreciate being told they are "single". It's not the same.
 happy hunter
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 9
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:42:35 PM
Just because I never married does not mean I have anything agenst it. Maybe she didn't come around yet. And "GET MARRIED AT LEAST ONCE'. This isn't a game we play! In games someone has to be the loser. It ain't no shoot'n match.
 seeking4u
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 10
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 12:43:26 AM
I find many men that put single down but get a feeling it may be different.

Wile I am sure people select single to mislead the reader just as many pick it as the nearest to there status.
I am single and never married.
All I can say on that is it just worked out that way , but I am open to change.
Seeking
 jumbo shrimp
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 11
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 12:48:18 AM
Marriage is optional. Couples need not marry to be together. My parents divorced, and the women I have been with were also divorced. What would seem attractive about marriage? It is a religious thing and a legal contract and takes lawyers to end it, prolonging and exacerbating the unhappiness of dissolution. I'd be less inclined to marry someone who had married, then went back on their vows, than someone who had never married before, especially if their reasons included being unwilling to make a promise they were not prepared to keep. It seems to me the whole idea of marriage is that it will last, and so when people commit to that idea then bail, it tells me they have a less than whole hearted sense of devotion, but profess more. At least when someone has chosen to live together without the vows of lasting fidelity they haven't broken that particular promise by leaving. The men and women I have known who were dedicated to marriage have stayed married, while those whose needs were less selfless remained single in their hearts and eventually adjusted their status to resume a single life.

To have taken someone for a wife or husband and then set them aside again is not always a sign that a person doesn't get what marriage is, or that they will never marry well. But I would be far more careful about a promise broken than one never made.

Hearing a divorced person question the motives of one who never married is like hearing a convicted embezzler questioning the morals of a poor man who never stole. But since it seems that "single" is also a cover for people who are divorced or even still married, and cheating, at least that part needs to be suspect. If it is a common lie, distrust it. In cases where it is true, then it can be for pragmatic reasons, maybe because not everyone was raised to think of marriage as the automatic thing to do. It seems to me that a bad marriage undertaken out of force of cultural habit and ignorance of other options is limping from the gate, probably lame, and unlikely to make one lap let alone finish the race.

I've know many very wonderful people whose admirable qualities did not include the ability to remain married.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 12
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 6:31:40 AM
OP, the rules of these forums state that you cannot start a thread that is gender specific. Hence I will respond even though I am not a male.

Why do people remain single at all? Many reasons I suppose, to not finding the "right" person to economic circumstances.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I guess we could take a look at the other side of the coin - why do people marry knowing that it is going to and/or allowing it to end in divorce?

Perhaps those of us who never married have the wisdom to know that being single is the best marital option for us. Because of single people like me, there are two lawyers walking around with a little less jingle in their pockets.

Tink
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 13
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 6:34:37 AM
I'm going back to the original title, single.....never married. Those are the people I wanted to hear from on exactly why.....but I really liked hearing from those who let us know their experience on WHO out their used the term single liberally!!

For the past 15 years I have not believed in the legal state of marriage. I was married. I kept my vows but....I think it's a legal state that needs changes in the religious and legal aspects...

I don't think the term, "for better, for worse", should be in there....there is too much abuse out there.

I also want to reassure those that have NEVER been married that that is a valid choice. tuka
 Peaceful Spirit
Joined: 3/5/2007
Msg: 14
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 7:59:08 AM
Single or divorced for over 10 years is the same thing (to me) ---- I will generally avoid those types ---- By their 50's, they have become too "set in their ways" and developed a structured pattern in their lives which leaves very little room for you ---- they are ( for the mostpart ) not interested in changing ---- It is expected that you behave like water and flow into the available cracks in their already full lives ---- I want to be first, and everything else flow into place after me ---- I can't answer why they never got married ---- perhaps no one has ever been good enough for them ---- perhaps they let all the good ones go waiting for better to come along ----
 Tinsmith
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 15
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 9:17:13 AM
I am one of those people that you are referring too. I am 55 never married.
There were a lot of reasons why I never married. They range from not being handsome,yes some women are as vain as men, to being abused as a child and being afraid if I married that I would treat my family the same way, counselling has tought me differently. Maybe I was afraid of the word commitment. I find when I fall in love with a woman and then she dumps me it takes me a long time to get over it.
I hope this sort of sheds some light on this subject
 Tinsmith
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 16
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 9:23:56 AM
Oh I forgot to mention I am also shy. I never really grew out of it. I am getting better now. I want to grow old with someone special.
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 17
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 9:39:30 AM
Yes, it does...tinsmith. It's hard to overcome esteem issues but most surely, it's what's on the inside that counts. We are told that....but it still seems like we always look at the outside...thanks for replying. tuka
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 18
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 10:44:53 AM
OP, people remain single for various reasons...I've never married because they were never the right person; the 3 times I was engaged something just said it wasn't right...and I thank God I never went through with any of them as I'd have been divorced for sure. Also, what rule says anyone *has* to be married, or married by a certain age to be happy? I'm very happy with me and with my life. And when I see more married people who are unhappy, it only makes me more sure that it's not something one just jumps into because of societal notions that something must be wrong with you if you're nto married, or married by a certain age. I feel there's something missing in someone who feels they *have* to be married to be complete, happy, etc. and I believe way too many people jump into marriage without a clue as to what they really want in life or who their partner really is and what they want. Would I like to be married? Sure...but only to the person who's perfect for me and that I'm perfect for...'perfect' meaning we both accept each other for who we are. But I don't need to be married to have a happy life or a good life; I have that now.
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 19
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:04:15 AM
"I have always wondered why women and men that get to this age have never married at least once."

I'm not sure why this comes across as "you have to get married", I happened to agree...don't get married unless you are sure about why you want it. I just said I wondered why....and I really mean it as I want to know reasons why never married people never married. Everyone is different; some people want no children....nothing wrong with that either.


I would like to know though, if a man over 40 has never been married...what happened or didn't happen? And I do really appreciate the men that have responded. I didn't want to put it in "Ask a Guy", the folks that read "Over 45" seem to be more my speed, but maybe I will.


thank to everyone gals and guys! Tuka
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 20
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:31:16 AM
Tuka:

Many people (young and old) view the concept of marriage as outdated and choose common-law arrangements instead. So, never having been married doesn't mean that a person hasn't been in a significant, long term relationship. Now, someone who has not been able to maintain any relationship for over a year or two and is over 45, is not a good bet for a successful long term relationship. That is not to say that it's not possible, just that the odds are stacked against it, in my books. Someone who hasn't lived in a common-law arrangement up to age 45, probably has some commitment issues, so, I'm not sure how great of a risk dating someone who fit this bill would be if you are looking for a potential marriage partner. Still, it's not always that black and white.

I see a lot of 'never married', childless, 40-something men on POF. Some have put careers and schooling first and find themselves entering middle age with holes in their souls, so to speak. When they hit 40, they seem to have a run in with their own biological clocks. lol They are earnestly looking for the right woman to settle down with and raise a family. (So, they don't date women in their own age bracket. lol) Regardless, it can take several years to find the right woman, which would have them approaching 45. So, it appears these fellows are not commitment phobic. In a sense, they are running towards commitment...but find their pickings slim. After all, not every early 30's fertile female wants to date a man who is in his 40's.
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 21
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 11:46:36 AM
Ooli, you have that right! I do know some 30 somethings that don't really want the 40's guys.


I often wonder too about REGIONAL differences in LTR's. Like you said, they've had committment but still are technically single. I live in the south and I think getting married is more expected here. tuka
 jumbo shrimp
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 22
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 12:01:29 PM
I'd like to get married and have a kid or two. But as you have pointed out, the younger women aren't keen to mate with older men, unless big bucks are on hand. Funny thing, but hearing women my age snicker at men my age for wanting that, well, it makes me think you are snickerers, and I don't want to keep company with any snickerers. So I can hold out in vain for a younger woman and a family, or else I can subject myself to endless snickering. Being single is the default position when other options are undesirable or unattainable.
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 23
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 12:27:02 PM
jumbo shrimp: I hope you find what you are looking for and that no pesky snickerers rain on your parade.

Perhaps men of a certain age should consider adoption with someone who does want to be with them, (ie, a woman of the same age) instead of holding out for someone who doesn't (ie, a much younger woman). I don't know why some men feel that they need a genetic link to feel connected to a child. God forbid if the woman a man like that ends up with has children already.

Going younger here is a preference, not a necessity...and I find it hypocritical when men pretend that it is. If you want a child, adopt, get a surrogate, try in vitro fertilization or perhaps, you will find a woman in her late thirties/early forties willing to give pregnancy a go. (Mentoring is also another option to bond with a child.) If not, you can hope you will find a woman in her early thirties who will decide a man ten+ years older is what she wants. This will not be easy though. A lot of young women are opting to not have children these days, or are putting their careers first. And even if you find a woman who is willing, fertility might be an issue. So, the playing field really does get narrowed down. That's reality. There is no mocking going on here.

It just seems to me that if men who really do want families would let go of the whole DNA connection thing, a lot of them would be able to realize their dreams. There are so many children living in abject poverty who are completely and utterly alone and without hope. Imagine the difference a man (or woman) could make who would give a child like this a home, and therefore, a chance at a future.

PS...Sorry for getting off topic here, Tuka.
 moundpuppy
Joined: 1/27/2005
Msg: 24
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 12:45:15 PM
I am 55 and never married. On different threads I have answered this before and I just thought I would reply here as well. I can say I was shy for the most partin my younger days. That came to be because of people belittling me as a child a lot. I know now that most of it was in joking but the damage was done and it took quite a few years to overcome. I faced it and went out of my way to do things to work on it. Like finding jobs that were working with the public and other things. Also had a very lovely lady that took and realized a part of what was happening and helped even tho she didn't realize it until she had been doing so for a while. Been in LTR's but never found the right woman that I wanted to marry. well can't say I never did I have twice and things happen. Death can be a big kick back at times and then other circumstances can weild a lot of curves on someone.

some people help out ailing family members that can't for themselves. Some of us see divorce so much in a family that we think there is no way i want it not now. I have five sisters and three brothers. Of those one sister and one brother has only been married once. the rest have went thru a divorce because they or the other person could not adhere to the wedding vows. Personally I can say this and mean it completely. I will not say the vows that are standard by any means. If I ever make the step of marriage I intend to write and do my own and I have the problem that I am a strong believer in My word is the most important thing I have in this world. I can have all the riches and wealth that there is to offer but my word in the one thing that I will have that will go with me when I pass on. both my parents were married twice as well. I refuse to make that step unless I am willing to stand by my word and commit and I am not afraid of change or commitment in anyway.

Some people have the nerve to say if we that are past 35 and not ever married have a problem should at least take the time to talk to some that have never married and ask why? Some even have the nerve to say that a guy that is past 35 and never married is gay or a weirdo in some way. I will admit i am set in my ways on certain things. One is I like to work. I enjoy the experience of being out there and being amoung the people and doing what I enjoy. I will say I come home at times and want no part of going anywhere and just want to sit and relax. But I also know after 14 hours a day for six days a week I want to relax a little here and there at times. I have a busy life and never refuse to add anyone into it and do for anyone in anyway. Dating makes the life worth going on at times. Nothing better than being with a fine woman and letting her know she is special in some way. as far as dating a younger woman I have no problem there as long as she is not to young. I prefer a woman from her late 30s to the early 50s. what I am trying to say is there is different reasons for different folks and if a person just asks they may find that not all of us that are single are afraid of commitment. and not all of us want to hide the fact that we have never been married. please excuse me for going on and on

Moundpuppy
forgot to mention not all of us can father children even tho we want to.

take care people
 Ooli_Oop
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 25
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/15/2007 1:26:21 PM
moundpuppy: Thank you for your heartfelt answer. There are many legitimate reasons for not marrying or having children. It does not mean that a single, childless person does not have a lot to offer.

I, myself, don't have children. I'm sure this makes some men pass on me because they think that because I haven't given birth myself, that I might not be good step mother material for their children. This doesn't seem fair, but it is understandable. People have their apprehensions...and they have nothing to do with who we are. Their fears are about them. (I had a medical condition that would have resulted in a high risk pregnancy, so, I opted to not get pregnant.)

I am reticent to get involved with someone who is my age and has never been married or in a common-law situation....and that is about me, not any man who fits that description. Of course, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't date a single man...but I would have apprehension around his willingness to commit down the road. You see, it could mean that his standards are so high that no one will ever meet them. I don't relish the idea of investing my heart and my time in someone who will bolt when push comes to shove. Still, I'd hate to miss out on the love of my life because I was too afraid to risk rejection. It's a Catch 22, isn't it?
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