| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 2:53:53 PM | I am having a debate with someone pertaining to online dating etiquette. I think that there are some things that you would never say to someone in person but would have the nads to say over the net. Is this behavior rude or accepatable in cyber space.
I was writing someone who obviously became interested in my intellilect as I did his. About 3 emails in he asked me a series of questions and one of them was "how much do you weigh"? I was brought up that you never ask someone their weight or their age.
I was taken aback that someone I found intellectually stimulating could make such a social blunder and stopped contacting him. Then this weekend I went on a date with Borat. I kid you not. This guy did not own a single social skill. I kept thinking during the entire episode, that a camara crew would soon appear and Aston would explain to me that I had been punked or something. But this guy really was just a freak of nature.
Well after that I saw the guy online that I had stopped talking to and I confronted him. He explained to me that in the past he had wasted a lot of time with several girls only to find out that he was not attracted to them because of their weight. And in all fairness, I only have head shots on the net. Body shots invite the predatory type. It's like saying, hey I'm fine, let's hook up. I don't want to hook up. In his profile he is also very specific about wanting the athletic type.
I am an attractive person with an average build. I'm a size 8 dress size. My arguement is that I am looking for the father of my children. I would like to know that I will still have an active sex life during and after birth (I'm concerned that he become unattracted until my body retracted). I want to be loved for my mind and spirit and not viewed as simply a sex object.
He also went on to explain to me that the internet is about instant gratification and that prior social etiquette does not always weigh in the same way. I feel a little bit torn. Was I wrong for being offended? And where do we draw the social line? | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 3:41:56 PM | | On the internet, questions about weight are perfectly acceptable. From a male perspective, it's the number one thing that women lie about, attempt to avoid, take pictures at strange angles to hide, and throw a fit over when confronted about. If he's a quality guy who has options, he probably doesn't want to wast time talking with girls he wouldn't be physically attracted to. It isn't about where "we" draw the line, it's about where "he" draws the line. He doesn't owe you anything, and apparently you don't meet his standards. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 3:43:07 PM | | All I know is that if I asked a woman how much she weighs or how old she was, my grandmother would rise from the dead and bop me on the head with a shoe. Its probably old fashioned, but I would have to say that a polite person wouldn't ask those questions, face to face or on the web. Our ages are already displayed on this site anyway, and it has a general body description, so asking you seems to be kind of pointless. But I have to agree with the last line of TheWorldismyPlayground's post. Either the chemistry is there right away, or its not. | |
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Eno75
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Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 3:44:48 PM | Okay... so what is the real issue here? A guy asked you your weight so you got huffy and stopped contacting him, went on a bad date with another guy and then re-contacted the OTHER guy on the previous matter?
And you're looking for the father of your kids to find you sexy after you give birth, but not treat you like a sex object. Are you planning on doing ANYTHING to keep yourself attractive to "him," or is it all going to be his responsibility to just find you an attractive spirit? Because, after all... he owes it to you... right?
A lot of times online women openly bring up their weight- so buddy may not have realized it's a line a woman has to choose to cross on her own. She's mature enough to go out and earn a living and look for the father of her future children but she can't talk about her weight. Sounds obvious to me... uh... yeah.
As for the etiquette- I'm not sure how some guy can go 180 on you from being a gentleman online to being a total whackjob. You're either not asking the right questions or you simply weren't listening to the answers. I'm surprised he got a date out of you. I've often said that if you remove accountability, civility soon follows. Expect the expected (not a typo) in chat. There are fewer boundaries... and that can work both for and against you. It's never JUST chat... everything means something.
And I'm not sure what type of "social line" you're talking about drawing. Against whose standards are you measuring. Just because it didn't work for you or on you doesn't mean other people don't get on just fine. Draw your own line as high as you want... just don't expect everyone to be falling all over themselves to abide by it. Face it- not everyone is going to like you or suit you, mind or body or both.
Eno. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 3:47:52 PM | there are better ways of him figuring out if he would be attracted to your body without insulting your own intelligence or sensiblities. For someone you've found to be bright enough to entertain you, I would agree asking a woman her age or weight is a risk someone with any decent social skills wouldnt venture to make. How smart or gracious is someone really who doesnt take into consideration that you might be offended by blunt comments like that and that it would make him seem like he werent interested in your mind over your body. I can understand the desire for a complete package but honestly to even tell you he "wasted his time" with other women only to find out they were a few dress sizes larger then he would like leaves you to wonder if he came onto them like a house on fire and had good conversations only to drop them like a hot rock when he saw they werent what he was after with regard to their body type. (wow thats one to many burning analogies) Anyhow you can be loved as a sex object and for your mind and spirit, its finding the person that can and wants to do that with all their heart, thats the challenge.
take care-
Loosey
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 4:10:05 PM | | I would NEVER ask that , if you like or love someone you dont care about things like that. If you plan to grow old with someone you really dont care about those things. Besides its just rude if you dont know someone that well. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 4:13:00 PM | | For the purpose of getting a man to be the father of your children, use whatever means and manners suit you. But know that as a meeting place where all kinds come looking for whatever, there is not standardized etiquette in place, and less so than the normal conventions of actual public spaces. The Internet is much like the sea, where we can sail our own boats but never control the waves or wind. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 4:39:33 PM | I think it all comes down to how you were raised. I try never to say anything on the net that I wouldn't say to somebody's face. And from what I've seen in the past 4 years of being on various forums, the posters with good netiquette seem to be older in general.
I think the net has been somewhat of an enabler for uncivil behavior from those who grew up with it. They don't seem to have the benefit of getting smacked in the mouth when they run it recklessly like the older folks have. And it's too bad, because we don't need less civil behavior in this world. My fear is that the world is turning into a bunch of ascerbic monkeys sitting in front of computer screens.
That being said, I've been known to ask a woman her weight, but only when they make those "I'm heavier than I look" remarks... and only in person. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/16/2007 6:46:15 PM | I feel like the internet is a numbers game. Most of the people you meet here you won't be attracted to--just like in real life! Nonetheless, we need to be polite to them all, and yet many here are not (I can't speak for how women behave, because as a woman, I've had pretty much all contact with men, but of course I've come across many men who aren't polite, and don't seem to understand social boundaries).
I still feel like I'm learning about internet dating, and it is only one facet of my dating life. But I've found this... you have to be very clear about who you are and what you want online, because everyone infers things without realizing it. For women, you need to be very clear about boundaries and behavior. I guess for men, if they are only attracted to "types," they need to be clear about those "types." For myself, a man who'd be attracted to a "type" is a turnoff, even though I (too) am a size 6-8, and am generally guessed to be 5+ years younger than my 41 years. So I might even BE some guy's "type," but if it's that important to him, I wouldn't be attracted to him. Oh well! Just like life.
I respond to the gentlemen who interest me, am polite to those who I am not interested in, and find it important never to get in any way attached to someone I haven't met in person yet. It would seem that there's always a steady stream of singles here, so there's no need to panic.
I realize this post probably doesn't help... I probably just should've said "I feel your pain!"  | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/17/2007 2:32:40 AM | | Honestly, I think the guy was within his rights to ask that. In real life, when you meet a new guy he can look you up and down and know right away if he finds you attractive or not, he doesn't need to know a number. On the internet that's much more difficult, especially when you make matters worse by not providing body shots. Sure you might get more of the "predatory" type, but you'll get more truely interested guys too since they won't assume the worse when you won't show any body pics (and yes, guys assume the worst, just like when you put "prefer not to say" under one of your options). Even a guy who is mostly attracted to your mind has to have at least a little bit of physical attraction in order to want a relationship. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/17/2007 3:48:41 AM | I know many of us find it easier to express ourselves while hiding behind a computer. But saying things online that would normally be classed as rude if said face to face is just being a coward in my opinion.
Be more confident online, if that helps. But don't say things online if you think they'd be offensive face to face, because it's still rude regardless. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/17/2007 6:35:55 AM | I have found that when someone says or does something that upsets me I have to ask myself what is it about that particular comment/behaviour that bothered me. What part of me has it offended and why? Were my expectations not being met? Am I insecure about this particular thing? What is it in my thinking that allowed this to disturb my serenity? Nine times out of ten it is my own issue.
While I agree that it is just as rude online as it would be in person the internet is full of people from all walks of life. The minute we log on we are opening ourselves up to everything out there. I agree that there should be some sort of "netiquette" but I doubt that it is something that can be forced since you can't control people and what they do, say, or think.
In all honesty the main reason that I think it a rude question is because that is what I was raised to believe. If I had not been brought up that way then I would probably see no problem in asking it or feel that I was being rude by doing so. I think it's all about our own beliefs and our abiltiy to adapt to the way others are. We either accept them or we don't.
You really only have two options. Accept him the way he is or don't. It's about how YOU feel.
Hope that helps. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/17/2007 11:13:12 PM | i understand the concept of what ur getting at.. but age does matter..i went on a speed dating thing once (u know 7 mins with each bloke sorta thing) and my first qu was age.. most were offended.. i was surprised.
i mean i was 31 at the time some looked 45 to 50.. the age mattered. so i guess for some ppl the size does too.. i mean lets face it.. i couldn't think of anything worse than meeting up with someone to have them be turned off by me.. so i give as many pics as i can.. cam.. and talk about my body.. make it clear.. but as i have said before.. if u say ur blond and size 16 (australian size) a bloke will automatically "upgrade" ur looks and assume ur a marilyn monroe..
my problem is more with men who in the first couple messages ask for sex.. or talk about sex. or something equally confronting.. i think.. do they go up to a chick in a pub and ask that?
but then i also think .. well.. another one bites the dust lol.. if he is like that.. best to know that upfront.. dont u think?
and thats what it is about.. just another part of the weeding process.. but dont make assumptions. that bloke.. might not be as superficial as u think.. COMMUNICATE! that word.. keeps popping up on these forums. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/18/2007 6:38:16 AM | Online dating etiquette follows the same general rules as real world dating etiquette, but there's some differences.
Things like body type, age and socio-economic status can usually be estimated when you meet someone in real life (often in the first 5 minutes). Online it's a different story - if all you have is a headshot, there really isn't any way of telling this stuff. It's still kinda rude to ask, but it's become more necessary (too much false advertising on the web - both directions) so it's understandable.
Attraction is based on a number of factors, and appearance is certainly one of the big ones for most.
One way to avoid the problems is having a few extra photos on POF that don't appear in your profile. That way, if you're uncomfortable putting in a full-body shot (and it doesn't need to be in a bikini, a couple different shots in different outfits or settings do just fine) you can send it with an email response to someone you like. You prevent the hook-up types from writing and you can still show someone that you're who you say you are... | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:36:24 AM | I see nothing wrong with the question...lots of questions are rude like how come your not married..like you can snibble rude all you want but the bottom line is it is up to you to creatively answer and if you feel cornered then i sugest you remember that all questions about someones private life are rude. where do we begin and end...
Better question is why would that offend someone..it's a fair question and being rude has****to do with why you feel offended...being rude is your excuse to blame the other person for how you feel about your own body... simple answer......blame is what
Are you avoiding the obvious.........if your not prepared to share information on the exchange and be truthful well then pehaps you know the answer there too.goodluck darlin..
I have had and asked the question.... it tells me alot about that human.
confiedence is not a skinny or a heavy human...confidence is a human who accepts themself and hold there esteem for self first...smiles hugs darlin remember nobody gets to define you unless you allow it.......hugs to folks feelin crouded by personal questions.
A person with esteem...that isn't a structure it is an additude.!!!
And a huge reminder that a photo is not solid information, if you give a photo that kind of gravity...your going to have an interesting swim....chuckles...out and out laffs at that feature....to depend on a photo gives your power to others.....toss
i go for the conviction of, you get dick for trust untill you look me in the eye...hard boundry...solid like a rock....live and learn lil fishy...have a good swim indeed!!!!!!! | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/18/2007 1:03:25 PM | | Weight is the number one thing that women..........I would not say "lie" about, but they underestimate by an average of 20 pounds. I personally would not ask a woman her weight, but if she does not have at least one full body shot, I'm very leery regardless of what she claims her body type is. Usually athletic or average really means overweight. I try to stay fit and trim and the person I would want to be with I would like to do the same. It's a personal preference. If their not, I move on. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/18/2007 4:57:40 PM |
He also went on to explain to me that the internet is about instant gratification and that prior social etiquette does not always weigh in the same way. I feel a little bit torn. Was I wrong for being offended? And where do we draw the social line?
Honestly some men have such screwed up thinking..people like him ruin it for decent men..guys like that need mental help they have screwed up thoughts and not realistic views on reality.
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:24:40 PM | I don't personally ask questions online that I wouldn't ask someone to their face. Further, I don't disclose anything online that I wouldn't disclose to someone in person. It just feels like common sense to me.
However, I've heard stories about a form of dating that existed long, long before I ever wrote my grade 10 computers report on the fabled "Information Superhighway."
It was called "Blind Dating." According to legend, two single people were randomly assigned, by well-meaning (if slightly sadistic) mutual acquaintances, to spend an evening together. Because the poor hopeful singles often had little in common, such Blind Dates were often the province of dull conversation and minimal physical attraction. There is, however, evidence of sparks flying. Certain alleged participants of such Blind Dates claim to this day that they approached their assigned evening with pessimism, but were pleasantly surprised when they saw their date in person.
Which brings me to my $0.02 for this post:
Is it really that difficult to dust yourself (and your social skills) off and see, in 3-D, whether or not you're attracted to the other person?
I've met people for coffee with and without a photo. Sometimes I think I might be physically attracted, sometimes not. For some quirky reason, I always need to see the object of potential attraction in person before I bother getting bothered. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/19/2007 7:39:19 AM | I do believe many women have a tendency to underestimate their weight if insecure about their bodies, but men also do have a tendency to lie about their age or finances if also insecure.
I have to admit though that many photos of women on the Internet seem not to match up to "average " as I would classify them as "a few extra pounds". But then again- compared to what standards???? If comparing to models then "average" would seem like "a few extra pounds". Men can be very hard on a woman because of weight, yet many thought Anna Nicole Smith was hot after she dropped some pounds.
If we are going to be this superficial we should also play very fair. Ironically enough women seem so forgiving that the guy has a receeding hairline or is balding, has deep wrinkles, and couldn't in a million years pass for walking out of a GQ magazine. | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/20/2007 8:57:45 PM | | Although its not right to ask about your weight in person, He should be able to ask about it on the net only because you only posted head shots. He could have however , chose a more subtle way of asking. I would suggest " Do you have any action pics"? | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/20/2007 9:27:45 PM | Don't get FAT and you will be just fine. Considering one third of your life is "bedding" with your mate, wouldn't one think that weight has significant importance to a healthy outcome?
Sex object? You Should look HOT to Your man simply because "most" men think with two brains or is that one of those DUH things?  | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/20/2007 10:35:23 PM | I've never been asked my weight, but I've OFTEN been asked my bra size. ha ha ha. I've even been known that question....but not often.
I would never ask a man these questions, and I'm betting that few women would--hey what do you weigh, what's your shirt size, how big is your....ahem. But men are more "visual" than women--or so I'm told...frequently--and I think it's important for many of them to be able to conjure up a picture in their mind of the whole....what?.....package? Perhaps it facilitates their fantasies. Who knows? | |
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/21/2007 7:54:57 AM | Personally... if you only had headshots up, he should have just asked for a recent full length pic to determine if you were "his type"
Weight is a cloudy issue.
Example: You could line up 4 women that weigh the exact same pound wise, and you would have 4 completely different body types depending on where the weight is carried.
A good rule of thumb is to have a close up face shot, a shoulders up head shot, and a full length body shot standing near something to give perspective (not a mile away on a beach or something since that seems so popular)
If you don't want the full body shot in your main profile, then keep it hidden to send to those that you'd like to see it
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| Online Dating Etiquette -- It would be rude to ask face to face
Posted: 4/21/2007 3:49:38 PM | You're right that people ask questions about weight and age when they'd never do that in person with someone they just met, but something like age is really a demographic detail that's somewhat required on a profile....so that one doesn't count in my book.
As for weight, I feel the question can have the wrong effect, but I have to say that he's in the right to ask it if he already knows his preference. To me weight really is just a number, but I do want a woman to be healthy and in good shape generally. I have dated a few women in the past who were overweight, and one of them probably by about 30 pounds at only 5'2. I've learned though that it's a mistake for me to do that, because it's almost always the case that someone like that simply will not understand my general desire to eat healthy and be at the gym at least 4-5 days per week.
That being said though OP, I'm not expert on women's clothing but a size 8 doesn't sound bad to me. | |
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