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Posted: 4/20/2007 4:31:45 PM | Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. tsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too." | |
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Posted: 4/20/2007 6:12:33 PM | Haaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaa....... !!!! 
Im gonna steal that one..!! | |
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Posted: 4/20/2007 9:26:00 PM |  lmfao....thanks! that was hillarious...I'm still giggling lol | |
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Posted: 4/21/2007 6:34:46 PM |
yeah one I havn't heard before...didn't see it coming iether! good one ! I am stealling this  | |
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Posted: 4/22/2007 8:42:02 AM | | That is really funny. Post more! | |
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Posted: 4/22/2007 2:07:06 PM | Glad you all enjoyed it so much, here's another I hope you think worthy of stealing 
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated...
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!" | |
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Posted: 4/22/2007 7:01:11 PM | OMG I'M GONNA PEE MY SHORTS!!!!
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Posted: 4/22/2007 11:55:53 PM |
Those are good!! I'm stealing them too.. give us more! | |
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Posted: 4/23/2007 8:01:32 PM |
Those are good!! I'm stealing them too.. give us more!
OK, here's another I hope you enjoy as well?
A woman was putting her 6 year old daughter into the car when her neighbor, Loraina Bobbit, came out and got into her car.
Both cars were soon on the highway when something flew out of Loraina Bobbit's car, hit the windshield of her neighbors car and bounced off.
The little girl got real excited and asked "Mommy Mommy, what was that?"
Well, the Mother, naturally trying to protect her little girl, said it was a bug.
"WOW" exclaimed the little wide eyed girl, "It sure did have a big d ick." | |
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Posted: 4/23/2007 8:23:28 PM | :roll These are sooooo funny. I did steal the first one and told it at a bbq..we are all having a few drinks ourselves...and they practically busted a gut! lol Keep em coming! | |
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Posted: 4/23/2007 8:36:32 PM | Hope it's OK to show this one again? I posted it in another joke thread but I'm thinking now it should have gone into one by its own, like here? This has to be one of the all time great jokes, the visuals are, well, they're very visual
Coffee anyone??
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" | |
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Posted: 4/23/2007 8:55:35 PM | | lol 4real that is the joke of jokes lol...you kill me! | |
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Posted: 9/10/2007 5:28:55 PM | Hope you're not a Demo-crap?
High Tech Restaurant
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he
waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot. The robot
clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am
programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar
space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would
try a different tack.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores,
and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.
Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, " Uh... 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e...........
y-o-u-r..........p-e-o-p-l-e..............g-o-i-n-g.............t-o.........
...n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...........H-i-l-l-a-r-y?" | |
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Posted: 9/10/2007 11:12:28 PM | | I can't breathe HAHA | |
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Posted: 3/8/2008 9:29:30 PM | THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 9:06:42 AM | | LMAO!!! I really needed that! thanks for the laugh! | |
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Posted: 3/16/2008 3:48:07 PM | Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, " Because it's Keith...................... the midget." | |
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Posted: 3/16/2008 7:37:57 PM | A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk,,,,,,,,,,,, who is really happy to see you!? | |
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Posted: 3/17/2008 10:39:47 AM |  FUNNY!Really funny | |
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Posted: 3/17/2008 8:38:01 PM | An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.
Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver His sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is Green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and Altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her Legs slightly spread apart.The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies,"No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................." | |
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Posted: 11/8/2008 7:19:31 PM | 'Ya know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In St Andrews there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you.'
'Well', said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.'
'Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies', said the Irishman. 'Back home in me own Killarney, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!'
The Englishman & Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?' 'Not to me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman... 'but it did happen to me sister.' | |
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Posted: 11/8/2008 10:28:58 PM | | All good stuff, I like the 1 about the Asian the best. | |
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Posted: 1/28/2009 8:36:25 PM | The Gynecologist
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life". | |
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Posted: 2/9/2009 10:31:38 PM | EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level,,,,,,,,, put a potato in each bag. | |
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Posted: 2/10/2009 3:09:47 PM | Love it when you get on one of your roles.. xo | |
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