| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 4:40:44 PM | | Manipulation and Trust.... The ones we love; that we trust.... They manipulate us in to thinking that we're "off our rockers".... They cheat.... They lie.... Yet somehow the table gets turned and we become the one that has "to get over it". But, do we really ever? Do we every really trust anyone fully again after we've been cheat on; after we've been lied to? How do we get there from here? Have you been in this situation? | |
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| YES you CAN and WILL get over it!
Posted: 4/20/2007 4:47:00 PM | Because you come to realize the other person's dishonesty/deceit - is not a reflection of YOU.
YOU did not do anything wrong.
YOU did not deserve their betrayal.
In a sense you learn not to 'take it personal' even though initially of course you feel horrible.
Another thing you have to do to get over it - is stop asking questions - OVEr and OVER again.
Because no matter WHATTTTtt they say - you will NEVER be satisfied with the answer, and thus never TRULY let go. So for YOUR sanity and peace of mind you have to accept the unacceptable, and just take it for what it was.
As to how to rebuild trust in OTHERS - thatttttt takes time, and each person will do it at their own rate. You learn to be more cautious. You see red flags sooner, and you act on them quicker. And when you avoid getting hurt by being 'smarter' - then you begin to trust and rely on your instincts more and more which can help you pinpoint a sincere genuine person from the not-so-sincere.
Just give it time, but yes you can be 'normal' again.
Remember what doesn't KILL you - only makes you stronger.
K. | |
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| YES you CAN and WILL get over it!
Posted: 4/20/2007 4:52:33 PM | Aren't you the one who just had the post about dating a married man????
and we're getting all 'philosophical'???? whatever...... | |
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| YES you CAN and WILL get over it!
Posted: 4/20/2007 6:16:59 PM | | Not just dating a married guy, but sleeping with him, and bragging on how good it was. Can you say "Hypocrite"? | |
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| YES you CAN and WILL get over it!
Posted: 4/20/2007 6:25:49 PM | Yeah Op, I am kinda with Piano4te on this one. I am seeing a definite trend here whenever your name pops up in the forums. So perhaps it's high time you cut through the crap and just full out say what the issue is you really are looking to deal with. Stop beating around the proverbial "bush", and have at it. Good luck!
Have fun ;)! | |
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| Remember what doesn't KILL you - only makes you stronger?
Posted: 4/20/2007 6:59:08 PM | | A lot of people like that saying, "Remember what doesn't KILL you - only makes you stronger." But I can't help but ask, even if it doesn't kill you, what about the maiming, amputation, scars, coma, or other unpleasant results? Hmmm... Just a thought. It's too bad we don't (yet) have a machine that could wipe away bad memories. At least there is comfort in the idea that only those with sick minds can truly just pretend reality didn't happen. Those that can just move on, or those that don't get it, are the ones who really need help. | |
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| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 7:14:24 PM | Kassey....I know EXACTLY how you feel. Just about every relationship I've been in, I've gone through one thing or another or combinations of several things. For me it has simply gotten more and more tough to trust and believe. It's one thing to go through such a thing maybe once or twice, but several?????? I don't know if I have it in my heart to try again. I try dating sites and getting out and meeting men, different types of men, and it always turns out the same pretty much. On a rare occassion that I did meet someone decent, they didn't want a true relationship that I'm in search of. For some reason these days people don't have much conscience in how they treat the ones that care and love them and that's truly heartbreaking for those of us that are romantics and love the idea of being in love, only to be lied to over and over, cheated on, abused, etc...Especially when we know it's not our fault. I've been told online that I date the same type of men and that's why I always get hurt, but that's not true. Maybe someday we will find true happiness with the man that will be our soul mates, all we can do is be cautious and try to remain hopeful. | |
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diz73
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Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 13 | |
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| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 9:23:21 PM | NOt only have I been in that situation...I am in it now. Even though my husband is a cheater and a liar I will not automatically assume that the next man is. I do everything for my husband...I cook, I clean, do the laundry, deal with the finances, the kids, the school, the doctor, the sitter and I put out EVERY night and I work full time and make more money than him and still he cheats.
The way I look at it is, when I get the balls to leave I know there are plenty of men out there that would be more than happy to be with someone like me. You cannot judge all men on the actions of one. You need to work on your ability to pick the right partner for yourself. You can't base a relationship on looks or monetary value. If someone can make u feel like u r the world to them, not just by words but by actions as well. then u will find love. | |
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| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 9:31:08 PM | OMG!!!!! U were having sex with a married man?????????? K girl...u weren't cheated on u were the one he was cheating with...HE'S MARRIED...and if he isn't the one u r talking about then u know what? What goes around comes around...u sleep with a married man someone sleeps with yourb/f or husband.
It's women like u that ruin marriages, ruin childrens lives and just infect everything u touch.
Get a life girl...there is a reason u r the "OTHER' woman. | |
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| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 9:46:44 PM |
It's women like u that ruin marriages, ruin childrens lives and just infect everything u touch.
With respect, nuh uh. It is spouses making the decision to cheat who "ruin marriages and childrens' lives," not the people they cheat with.
I've posted on the OP's threads before, and made clear my contempt for some of the things she has said in the past, and no, I don't think it's particularly surprising if she has now been let down by a man she might have been having an adulterous relationship with. Nor do I feel any particular sympathy for her.
But ultimately, the responsibility to remain faithful to any marriage lies with the people IN the marriage. People either have integrity or they don't. They either abhor infidelity or they don't. If someone cheats on their marriage, even if it is not a GOOD marriage, it is because they have the willingness and capacity within themselves to make that choice rather than EITHER work on the marriage or leave it. It is THEIR choice and THEIR character that is critical. | |
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diz73
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Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 9:57:07 PM | | i have to agree with nomad on this... i have had every guy ive been with in the past cheat on me, but i have never taken it out on 'the other woman'. my ire was sent straight toward the 'man' i was with. well... once when it was a co-worker of mine, i had some contempt for her as well, but the rest of the anger was for my then-husband. i dont care who flaunts in front of the guy im with, if he actually cares, he would not be sucked into that. my exes all act as tho i never had chances to cheat but they have no idea of the situations ive been in where i definately could have - IF i had wanted to. its not hard to figure out who is really at fault. but those who involve themselves with married people shouldnt be surprised if the whole thing goes down in flames eventually. | |
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| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 10:30:51 PM | I agree with Post 17 ... fidelity MUST remain within the marriage (or any exclusive relationship) ... or else end it. But it is rather ironic that the OP would be hurt by a cheating, married man. I'm trying very hard not to laugh out loud at this dilemma.
Those who 'assist' in adulterous affairs have no sympathy from me. They have the power to resist, if they have ANY principles. Blechhh. | |
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| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/20/2007 10:47:46 PM | Realize that a person that chooses that behaviour is making that choice on their own. This has nothing to do with you, only what you learn from it and the choices you make on how to deal with it and ensure that it doesn't happen again. If you 'think' you'll be cheated on again and that someone can't be trusted, that's what you'll find. It's a self fullfilling prophecy.
Learn the warning signs, and choose to look forward and know that not everyone is a liar and a cheater who's untrustworthy. Try to see the next one with a positive outlook and not project the negative stuff onto it. You've learned enough from your experience... you know what you want and don't. If anything it gave you a gauge with which to base your future relationships on. You can only be convinced you're 'off your rocker' if you allow someone to project that onto you. YOU are in ultimate control of your actions, your thoughts and how you will choose to react. Make choices that are best for YOU.
My sister always drills in my head 'no one ever does anything TO you... they just do what they do... if you choose to be a victim you will be, if you choose to realize their behaviour and not take it on, then you realize the truth of it... they're doing something... but they can't do anything to you unless you allow it'. This holds true even to the cheaters. They choose to cheat or lie or whatever... it's their problem. Whether you make it yours as well is your decision to make. You can always choose to move on and find someone that won't. | |
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| Manipulation and Trust - How We're Lied To.... Do We Ever Trust Again?
Posted: 4/21/2007 12:02:13 AM | My first g/f slept with my best High School friend.
My Ex wife slept with my best friend in the Army.
You know after the first woman cheated on me it took me 5 years to get back into the swing of living. But now I have "Two" levels of trust to over come. That of a Companion and that of Male friends.
I remember as a teen working in a store. A customer got rude and I pointed to the door. I said, "Lady, it doesn't have to hit you in the rear." The next customer walked up, I smiled, greeted her, asked if she found everything okay. She looked at me puzzled and said, "you seem so happy, but you just kicked another woman out of your store."
I replied, "You didn't upset me did you ma'am?" She said no. I said, "Then why take it out on you?"
Moral of the story: Don't take anger out on others because someone wronged you.
Everyone deserves trust until they abuse your trust. Do I expect to be crossed again? Yes, I actually do. But I hope it never happens again. Its like hiring employees. Many of them will steal from you, but not all of them will. Fire the ones you catch and find a new employee.
Some might say but this isn't the same, this is Love, thats just work. But isn't it possible that many things in life compares?
I can't have bad luck all of my life in finding friends. And I hope I get lucky enough to find a truly great woman someday. But it would be wrong to judge all people based on what my Ex's did.
Would you want a man to judge you as a Liar and a Cheat because his Ex did him wrong? Or a woman to judge you based on her Ex's?
Can you get over it? I did twice. But just because I got over it does not mean I will ever forget. Live an learn they say. What does not kill you shall make you stronger. I believe these things.
I talked to both of my male friends after I learned of their breaking of our friendship and trust. I told both that I forgive them of their treaspasses. It takes a bigger man to forgive than it does to harbor ill toward others. Or woman for that matter.
Wasn't easy. Forgiving the two women was harder.
To me a relationship between man and woman is special. It is a bond. You are both equal. So when trust is broken here its broken deeper than just friends. It is painful. But one must push it behind you and remember only 1 person did you wrong. Or in my case it was 4 people. But it wasn't everyone. Nor was it the next person in my line of people to greet.
So one day it could be like that day in the store only it will go something like this..... She looked at me puzzled knowing how often I was wronged in the past and said, "you seem so happy, but you just kicked another woman out of your life."
I can reply, "You didn't lie or cheat on me did you my love?" She will say no. I will then say, "I will never take her wrongs out on you" | |
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Rhett1
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Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 24 | |
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