| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 11:12:30 AM | Hello,
I'd like to hear from some people in the same boat as me currently. I've been best friends for the last 3 yrs. with a girl who is married to someone else. We both love each other dearly, but she won't leave her marriage soley because of her two young children. We are the love of each others lives, and she admits that marrying her current husband was a mistake. They are not in love. We are not having an affair, so please, no judgemental replies. Its just been a hard thing to deal with for both of us and was wondering if anyone else out there has been or is going through someone similar. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 11:33:41 AM | This is a tough one...I have certainly had affections for a woman, where it couldn't reciprocate...However, your situation is different for, she says she loves you as well.
Sometimes, these things do happen, it happened with my someone I knew and another man...and they waited a long, long time then they finally got together, when the kids were older...it was the same stumbling block as you guys have...
She also, hated her marriage...So, if it is genuine, maybe you two could set some goals
She should be out of that marriage...The kids are being rasied in a broken home,
and it is best for two people to move on...if there isn't genuine love between them. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 1:03:47 PM |
We both love each other dearly, but she won't leave her marriage soley because of her two young children. We are the love of each others lives, and she admits that marrying her current husband was a mistake. They are not in love. We are not having an affair, so please, no judgemental replies.
Well, that happened with my ex, except that she did cheat. The 4 months prior to the end were a terrible time... I couldn't imagine living 10 - 15 years under those conditions. It'd be better for her, her husband, and her kids to stop putting it off. Sounds like it's inevitable that their marriage isn't going to last anyway, regardless of whether the two of you end up together.
One other thing to consider... back off a bit. One of the hurdles stopping her from doing what she needs to do might be guilt; that she's leaving her husband for another man. It might be making her think her intentions are wrong. When she's ready to leave, she needs to know it's because it's what's best, not because she found something better. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 6:10:23 PM | | If she's already said that she won't leave her husband, then you need to move on and find someone who is better suited for you. It's fine that she can admit that she's made a mistake, she'll have to live with it - but no point in "waiting" for something that may never happen. Like Codyellie said - you need to back off. The ball is in your court - move on and put your time and energy into finding the person meant for you. It's already been 3 years; you do not want to look back when it's been 6 or 10 years and think of how much time you have wasted. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:14:14 PM | move on and put your time and energy into finding the person meant for you.
I think you may be missing the point. I'm thinking he believes she is the person meant for him. Going and finding someone else isn't going to help.
Don't get me wrong... I have no respect for "homewreckers" (which I don't get the impression the OP is), but I also know what it's like to be in a loveless marriage. It's not fun. Whether or not the OP was in the picture, the object of his affections is still not in a happy place herself. If she's not in a happy place, probably neither is her husband. If mom and dad aren't in a happy place, the kids won't be neither.
but no point in "waiting" for something that may never happen.
What other option is there if he doesn't love anyone else? As much as people like to think they can pick and choose who they love... we can't. It's beyond our control. When we try to manipulate it, it ends in disaster. If she made a mistake by marrying the wrong person, him going out and making a similar mistake isn't going to set things right in their lives. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:25:08 PM | | sorry..married is married and whether or not she made a mistake, she's not willing to leave. She is cheating her children and her husband...and you are helping her to do that. You said you aren't having an affair...so what do you two do when you get togehter,,,play tiddlywinks???? | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:36:06 PM | Yes I am in love with someone dearly that clearly wants to be just friends...it is hard to try and 'push' my feelings away...it doesn't work and neither does ending the friendship...I have done that numerous times and so has he and I still can't stop being friends...I have never felt like this for anyone...
I cherish this guys friendship...If I had the chance to be with him I would love him til the end of the earth...I can't see him magically having feelings for me so all I can do is be there for him and care as a friend should do...
@That Guy Him
As much as people like to think they can pick and choose who they love... we can't. It's beyond our control. When we try to manipulate it, it ends in disaster.
You are so right !!! Love can't be switched on and off...and if you never had that chance to be with that person it is not going to go away anytime soon...and even if you find someone you will still have that part of your heart with him...I got over my ex who left me (had been together for 10 years or so) quickly but I can't get over this guy...don't think I ever will...But I 'feel' he is the one for me... | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:37:13 PM | | Yes, I know too well. Am in it and trying to stop it, but it just doesn't work! You can't tell your heart who to love! No matter how hard you try, it just won't happen! I have never been in such a relationship before and hope I don't ever again. And common sense tells you to walk away, how? If we could make ourselves love someone, it's not love, and wouldn't life be much easier if we could love on command?! That's just not how it works. And it would be unfair to the other person that you made yourself love. I don't want someone to love me for that reason. To have to make themselves love me? Never! Besides, when you love someone, at least with me, you can't see anyone else, much less love them. And knowing they would be second best ? Then if the one you really want comes available, would you go to them (and hurt the other person that doesn't deserve it)or stay in a relationship that you don't really want?!!! Best to me, to let nature take it's course and see what happens, at least that's what I'm trying to do. I tried to force it with someone else, didn't work. Heart just wasn't in to what my head was telling me to do. If he's not the right one for me then when the right one happens in my life, I will know it and he won't be second best! Good luck! | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 9:17:38 PM | You know, the answers to these questions should start at a very simple place. Why don't you try the Golden Rule? Just ask youself, if I married someone that I at least loved and we swore till death do us part, in good times and bad, and so on, and then we started a family... and gee, if I had some level of happiness that made me stay committed to my marriage and family, HOW would I feel if some guy said these things about my wife? The answer sure seems to clear up quite a lot when asked that way.
The BEST that you can say right now is that hopefully you haven't caused more damage to their family and marriage. What goes on between them is none of your business - they are the married couple, regardless of what she or you whine about. So don't become a negative influence in their world. If you're not doing something positive, then you're contributing to the negative. Your influence on the wife is real and negative to their family and marriage. And just because you have feelings for her does NOT make it right.
"IF you are old enough to love, then you are old enough to handle the consequences of those decisions." Psychologist.
Shortest answer - do the right thing. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/21/2007 9:45:59 PM | sometimes its just easier to turn and walk away than feel the continuous pain inside knowing you cannot be with her..
im not in the same situation, but I have a similar, and that one will probably just idle for another 20 years... | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 12:20:01 AM | Yes,I'm in love with someone too young for me,I slept with him and it made my situation worse.I will most likely always love him,but i'm letting go because he will be leaving for college soon.He's got his whole life ahead of him,plus he has a girlfriend that he claims he loves,makes you wonder why he was so quick to jump in bed with me. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 12:24:31 AM | | Staying for the kids when there's an unhealthy marriage going on isn't a good reason for her to stay together with her husband. If you two are truly soulmates , and she really is unhappy in her marriage she needs to get out of it. Not necessarily to be with you, but because that's the best for her and the kids. Kids shouldn't be brought up in an environment where they look up to their parents to set examples and end up seeing a non-loving relationship as a result. Don't know what her situation is OP, but if you two were meant to be then what is she waiting for? | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 12:24:51 AM | I don't think anything is "easier" in this situation. I know what it is to love someone and not be able to have them. I also know what it is to live in a loveless marriage and while in that discover that you chose the wrong person so long ago and really cared for the one you walked away from, so much so that it was obvious to others who saw it not only in your eyes, but theirs, even though nothing happened between you. Love, when true, perseveres, but that doesn't mean that it is going to be the one you are with. Sadly. No one can answer this question for your, and I believe in your heart, you know this, but knowing you are not alone, does somewhat ease the pain.
As for her and her kids. I stayed for my children. I even started to care again for my husband though not in the same way I believe, and I believe perhaps (having 2 years of divorce to become more objective to judge it by) alot of that was because he too was holding me at a distance. Whether things can change or not is not up to you. Bottom line is nobody can leave someone FOR someone else. IF you leave it has to be because it was the right decision and that is a very tough thing to believe when you have small children. Personally, I have the perspective of having stayed in a marriage for 14 years with the last 7 being trying to make it work for the kids and finding out it'd been better, all around in many ways for it to have ended 7 years earlier. On the other hand, no one can say that I didn't give everything to my family and my marriage and for a long long time. It's a very tenuous situation. What woke me up? I realized that what my children were growing up with was going to be their model for love. They would end up looking for a relationship just like me and their dad had, because to them, there was nothing wrong with that. They had no idea anything was wrong until the day we told them we were divorcing. And that was months after we had come to the decision ourselves.
This is not something you can make a decision in, and I know the ache of your heart because, unwittingly, I have seen it from the other end when I started seeing someone and fell for them, only to later discover they'd lied about not being married. Loving someone who's unavailable hurts. I wish I could tell you how to carry on but there are no easy solutions. Just one day at a time. I would suggest counseling though. For you. Because you do need to talk to someone who can help you sort out the pain inside. It helps and it's nothing to be judgemental about. Good luck and God Bless. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 5:31:54 AM | If you truly loved her, you would respect her marriage and help her find a way to save it (since that's where she seems to want to stay). That might mean giving her some space since it seems that having you hanging around is making it tough. And I have been in your position so I know how very hard it will be to do that. You've just got to decide if love means doing what's best for the person you love even if it means a sacrifice on your part... or if love simply means having the person to yourself.
On a different note, staying married for the sake of the children has been proven to be a bad reason (keep in mind that it may simply be the one that she thinks is easiest for you to take). I am involved in a research study which is going on as a follow up to those studies. It was a national study in which UT took a part. What they found was that the children who fared the best were children from in-tact families where the marriage was strong and the parents loved each other. However, only slightly behind them were children from divorced parents who got along and worked together well in the raising of the children. FAR behind those kids were the children from families who had stayed together "for the sake of the children" even though the marriage was bad and love had long since been gone. And trailing way way behind were the children of divorced parents who obviously disliked each other and fought over everything, often using the children as pawns for their own gains. Because of this study, the UT department is now following selected divorced custodial parents to try to better understand the findings. My family was selected as one of the families which is why I'm very familiar with the study. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 7:38:49 AM | Just ask youself, if I married someone that I at least loved and we swore till death do us part, in good times and bad, and so on, and then we started a family... and gee, if I had some level of happiness that made me stay committed to my marriage and family, HOW would I feel if some guy said these things about my wife? The answer sure seems to clear up quite a lot when asked that way.
Well, having been there... I certainly don't blame the guy. I also don't blame my ex-wife for falling in love with someone else. Outside of the fact that my ex chose to make things more difficult than they had to be, it really doesn't bother me. So she found someone else before I did. Big whoop. Even if she hadn't found him, it still wouldn't change the fact that she didn't love me.
And believe me... there was no happiness, it was strictly about not breaking vows. I couldn't sleep more than an hour a night and I had a knot in my gut for the last 4 months of my marriage. Breaking it off probably saved my life. | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 7:38:56 AM | | I met this man that I have been friends with for a few years. I did not know he was married until later after we were involved with each other then I fell in love and it was too late then. I continued to see if because I really loved him and have never been in love like that with any one. Well needless to say his wife found out about us after two years and I have not heard from him in two years. He told me that his marriage was not working out and he did not love her and eventually he was leaving it never happened. He had Leukemia for a while and never even told me, I found out after from others and he continues to be married to his wife. I will always love him but would never take him back to go through the pain I endured. So for the ones out there who know there married in the beginning stay away because you will only get hurt. | |
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Justlk
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Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 23 | |
| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 8:54:39 AM | | i'm in a so called relationship w/ a married man,did'n't know he was until i was so in love w/ him this man made me feel so alive ,i would give up everything for him, now i know he'll never leave his wife ,never had any intentions we both have a very very strong attraction for each other he says he cares for me and does love me BUT!!! we can't seem to stop w/ each other i can't move on my heart hurts so much so i have no answer here | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 9:46:57 AM | I'm i n love with my 1st love i talk 2 he but he be on the other bullshit i love hem he just dont be on it we still mess around from time 2 time but i wont more i just would like 2 have 1 or just a week with hem i can't take be in love with some1 i can't have  | |
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| Anyone else out there in love with someone they can't have?
Posted: 4/22/2007 1:30:30 PM | | ....don't be a dirtbag and destroy another marriage or family. There is already too much despair in the world for someone else like you to add to it. Do the work it takes to find a SINGLE partner that you deserve and deserves you. Don't be lazy and screw up other people's lives....especially innocent children that don't deserve having their little lives turned upside down because of some dirtbags sex drive..... | |
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