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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??      Home login  
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 BeTrue40
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 1
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
This is very important too me to know, I know that in order to accept me my children must be accepted too but I don't know anymore what's real & what's fake. I thought I used to know but now I just feel lost because I was really played a fool for a very long time & now I'm scared to try anything again.
I just feel good being alone & that can't be Healthy at all.
Please no snide remarks, only Friendly advice is what I'm looking for from a Man's p.o.v. a Man 40 or 45 yrs. of age Please.
 Piano4te
Joined: 10/19/2006
Msg: 2
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/21/2007 3:37:31 PM
MEN....as in ALL???

No...not all men are going to have a problem with this. MOST?? Well....maybe. And most women would have a problem with it toward a man with a disabled child that is not their own as well.

The sad reality of life is: people cannot relate, have true empathy or compassion unless they have experienced their OWN realities. And unfortunately, you might find that a lot won't even tolerate dating somebody with NON disabled kids. There ARE people who will take the entire package though.

Is there hope for somebody like you to find somebody who will accept and love you and your children as a package?? Yes...I do believe it.

I think your first steps are to actually find 'like minded' people. People who have kids of their own with disabilities, or people who actually work IN environments that help disabled children. There are PLENTY of very caring souls out there, with 'nurturing' personalities in a LOT of related fields. I'm sure that's a pretty obvious avenue that you might have already tried to drive down.

You know.....I often read some forum posts from people who are concerned if they themselves would be loved for having a disability.....And I've sometimes found it very sad that they get shut down so much on here. Maybe with any luck, you can find men who know how to love you and your children, because they themselves need love back.....And though some people frown on such suggestions: I also recommend you might find some very compassionate souls at church.

You said you feel GOOD being alone.......but then question how healthy it is.......until a time comes when you DON'T feel good about being alone, just live your life one day at a time......As long as you have the undying support and love of family and friends....you are in good emotional hands for now......so just let go and let God..... Maybe there is something in the works as long as you don't rush into anything out of desperation.

As far as what's real and what's fake.......the only way to really know that is to have PATIENCE when meeting any new people......You have to insist that THEY meet the requirements you have both for YOUR needs and the needs of your children. The compassionate ones WILL understand. Those out for their own personal gain can be quickly found out and discarded..... The cream always does rise to the top....but it takes time.

many prayers.......

Peace
 Rustmouse
Joined: 4/5/2007
Msg: 3
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/21/2007 6:02:29 PM
You've got two disabled kids, and, best as I can tell, they'll both be with you forever. You're in a really tough position there, especially since a man your age (if he has kids) has adult kids...

You probably won't have as much luck with that, because it is taking on a difficult thing, along with a new relationship. Unless the guy is in a similar position, most guys will likely go for the easier route.

You may want to look at support groups for people in similar situations. If you're looking for someone compatible with you, you're probably best off looking for someone who has/is experiencing the same issues as you and can better cope...
 SinfullyWicked4u
Joined: 3/21/2004
Msg: 4
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:02:16 PM
i have a special needs son myself and let me tell you...if he has a problem then hes not worth having period...if hes in it just for momma then hes not man enough to be with us...i love my kids with all my heart n soul...and i know that theres a man out there for me whos gonna love my kids special needs or not...im just waiting
 monaardnas
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 5
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/22/2007 3:21:17 AM
I ask that same question every day because i am raising a 11 yr with a disability and no man ever ever ever ever sticks around
 Conrad 1
Joined: 3/9/2007
Msg: 6
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/22/2007 4:58:12 PM
some men might have a problem with it,but im sure there are men out there like me that if they really cared for you and loved you,they would care for and love your kid just as much..x
 JoeRegular1969
Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 7
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/22/2007 5:32:05 PM
I believe it would really be situationally dependent. I'll use myself as an example..I have 4 kids of my own ( none w special needs). Personally I probably wouldn't get involved with a woman with a special needs child. I (due to my work schedule and visitation schedule and # of kids I have) don't have the time it would take to be involved...that being said though Ive always learned its best to never say never. Now if I met a woman who I really liked and she had kept that part quiet friom me and then I found out..i probably would be upset that she hid it from me but if I really liked her I would give it a good effort.

As long as your upfront and honest about it I believe you would find the right guy!
Best wishes!
 myladyshyanne
Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 8
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/22/2007 5:37:40 PM
I do think the majority of men/women will shy away. My opinion to why, is that they are afraid that they may have to be around/help out with the disable child.....and they don't want that responsibility. I can't blame them I guess, it's their decision. But I personally wouldn't have a problem with a man having a disabled child. My youngest has down syndrome, and my (almost)3 year old has autism/learning problems. How I see it, if a man isn't interested because of this- it's his loss.
 roddney
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 9
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Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 4/23/2007 5:03:59 AM
Well of course, the vast majoirty of men or women, for that matter, would have a big problem with any propective partner, having a disabled child. It certainaly doent make things easier! , and the more servre the disabily is, the more the man or women will re- valadate his/her involment in a long term relationship. Look, men and women are only human, and want an easy happy life , with less stress as possible . my advice.( for what its worth) is, If u want a man to love, the disabled kid then, (1) dont hit him with it with it immeditally. (2) Dont confront him with it . (3) Dont ask him what he thinks about it . and (4) never never expect him to be the father of child. ( that should be his decision alone). dont push the issue and enjoy meeting new people making friends both male n female groups ect
 specialblessing
Joined: 3/21/2007
Msg: 10
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Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 5/28/2007 4:48:55 PM
Silly, Silly Men. People need to understand having a disabled child has its own set of problems - but so does raising a child without disabilities. It's just a different set of problems. I have an X who doesnt want anything to do with his child regardless.
Shame on men or women who do not have an open heart. However, If you are a parent with a special needs child, you are blessed with a big heart and have a different look on life. Its better to feel sorry for those who can not open their heart - they are missing out on the things money can not buy. True Love.
Don't Be mad at them, Love yourself and know you are blessed with the little angel you were given . It is the trust from God to have his precious little one that should get you thru life.
Mr. Right will come when it is the right time. For now, find friends who have the same interest. And Yes, I agree... Church is a good place.
You can also look up www.polfit.com. There are many wounderful people there.

Zak's mom!
 MsAngelLuva
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 11
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 5/28/2007 5:43:37 PM
I have 1 better.. my ex is retired and wants to move to florida... WE WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER,but he lives in the downstairs apt of my 2 family house.. just until my 19 yr old daughter with Autism is settled in her group home. Between us 2 and my 24 yr old son she is never with strangers.They get to have a life... NOT ME THO.
Cause men run away from "not easy". Instead of respecting us for trying to stay around so she gets quality of life until she moves, they thing it's "weird"
I have come to accept i will be alone.. It's lonely. I miss feeling like a woman.
Hopeully you will be luckier than me I hope so
 imalitltpot
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 12
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 5/28/2007 5:57:02 PM
To those of you who say or think you couldn't/wouldn't date someone who has a child with a disability --

What if one of your healthy children became disabled due to illness or injury? Do you write that kid off??? Would you suddenly become undateable/undesireable?

I would never rule out dating a man with a disabled child. However, my mom did respite care for disabled children while I was growing up so I was around disabled children a lot. I also have a nephew with severe disabilities who passed away at the age of 3-1/2. I would understand the different challenges of the relationship -- challenges that are just different than working around visitation, ball game schedules, sassy children, etc.
 1stiamdaddy
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 13
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 5/28/2007 6:34:46 PM
I have an ex-girlfriend who's son had Chromosome-9 disorder. He was diabetic, couldn't talk, walk, eat, roll over or anything. He was completely dependent on his mother and father.

I met her when she had her son (of course) as a friend of a friend. For some reason we hit it off instantly and my girls took to her like she was thier long-lost friend. The next weekend we were out on our first date and had a very nice relationship, although it was only for a few months. She was completely blown away by me. She actually told me that a whole lot of men are "scared of Josh"

Scared of a little boy who is confined to a wheelchair? How could you NOT love that little boy?

So, I talked her into taking my girls out shopping because she has never taken little girls out shopping without her son. I had absolutely no problems taking care of him. I tested his blood-sugar levels, gave him his insulin, fed him (tube feeding) and gave him his medications. Held his hand and loved on him.

A few weeks after she broke up with me to go back to her old boyfriend, Josh died. He lived much longer than anyone expected. They said he wouldn't make it to his 10th birthday, however we celebrated his 13th birthday just a few weeks prior.

Therefore, I wouldn't categorically push all men under the bus on this. It is a giant responsibility and not every man is willing to even look at that. As Piano4te pointed out as well, many women would have difficulty with this. You could probably quote him in my posting all day, so I must give kudos to that man!

And I am going to second that you can and will find someone within the church. At my church, we have about 15 disabled kids. When I was Chairman of the Board of Trustees (yes, I really was), we worked to get our family life center setup to allow the Special Olympics kids to train there. There are a lot more people in the church that are passionate and empathetic toward a situation such as this.

As a person who has been there, done that. I can say that there are men out there who are not only willing to be with you AND your children, but also to take them on as his own.

I will agree with you that feeling good about being alone is not healthy. Even God Himself knows that it is not good for a man or a woman to not have a mate. Some people will state that "I have God, I don't need a man/woman." and they have yet to understand the first few sentances in Genesis.

God created man in his image. He saw that it was good. God knew that Adam wasn't complete, even though he did have God. So, He created Eve to complete Adam.

By our very nature, we want to be with a mate. It is the only way to really complete yourself and that isn't just me talking. That is what God is saying to us as well.

God bless you and yours,
Don
 xssve
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 14
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Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 5/28/2007 7:01:00 PM
I have an 11 year old with Downs, and I think it makes it harder for people who haven't had experience with special needs children because they have no idea what to expect.

It does make it difficult, I'll be caring for him the rest of my life, he requires adult supervision 24/7, alhtough that mainly consists of somebody just being there, and he's otherwise pretty low maintainence.

I don't think it ever would have bothered me though, every woman in my family is a nurse, maybe it just runs in the family.
 xssve
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 15
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Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 5/28/2007 7:05:45 PM
That probobly wasn't very helpful - I don't know wher eyou live, but there are organizations for parents of children with special needs, and widening your social circle can't but help.

We are pretty much alone too, but we have each other.
 blonde_female
Joined: 1/25/2007
Msg: 16
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 6/28/2007 7:42:46 AM
I have a child with a severe trautic brain injury myself, he is now 8. His father left us for a "BIG GIRL" last summer, and is now fighting me for custody to keep from paying child support. With the new laws is gonna cost him. Gotta luv the stuggles we face! Wish God would not trust me soo much!
I am post these to give you all some hope and reassurance

The Special Mother
by Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social
pressures and a couple by habit.
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.
Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for
propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs
His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
profanity."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."
"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."
Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped
child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who
does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of
self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll
handle it."
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that
is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to
give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and
that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter,
I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The
angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child
less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will consider a
step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will
be present at a miracle, and will know it!"
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty,
prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she
is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".
"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in
mid-air.
God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."


The One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give .
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

These have help me alot when I think all looks bleak!
God Bless!
 Spoken For
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 17
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 6/28/2007 1:18:18 PM
Be patient, honey. The right guy-- the one who can handle the fact that you have a child, and that child is disabled-- will come along at the right time.

My son has disaibilities, too, so I understand where you're coming from. I haven't been searching guys out, but i haven't been *not* looking, either. I've been upfront and blatantly obvious about the fact that my lil guy has special needs, and I'm okay with the fact that if a potential suitor can't handle it, that's all there is to it and there's no reason to force the issue.
 tballin
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 18
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 6/28/2007 1:44:00 PM
i understand your position. I work with people with disabilities, I have no issue with being with someone who has disabled children. I may be in the minority though
 noone1974
Joined: 6/21/2007
Msg: 19
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 6/28/2007 2:15:08 PM
Honest? I am being as serious and as delicate as I can be. From the posts I read, the guys are saying some of these things, but they are saying them in "third person". I will tell you how I feel about it.

I would have a problem with it. I would not go out with her if she told me up front. I would be honest. I would not try to get her in the sack a couple of times first. I would break it off if she kept it from me for awhile first, because that would be DISHONEST.

Would I write my kids off if one of them became disabled? Hell no. But that is because they are MY kids.

Would I break up with someone who had kids who were healthy when we met but became disabled? If I loved her then her kids would be my kids, no way.

But I am not going to get into a relationship AT ALL if she already has disabled kids.

That's just the way I feel, and I am probably the "nice" majority.

:(
 Pucks
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 20
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 6/28/2007 3:02:12 PM
I work with people who have disabilities as well.
No biggie to me. It can be more work but its rewarding as well. Same with any child i just look at the person first. It is not hard to do if you dont see the disabilites and focus on the abilities instead.
 moonbaby1966
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 21
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 6/30/2007 9:12:30 AM
I have an 8 year old son who's high functioning autistic. I've personally chosen to just be upfront about my situation. I would rather not spring it on someone after a date or two because in my experience, that's where it has ended. My son is a huge part of who I am, he is my life. The way I see it, there may be that man, somewhere, that knows someone who has a disabled or autistic kid, perhaps he has one himself. Maybe he works with special needs kids, maybe doesn't but he simply loves children and is patient, kind and loving. I'm not giving up hope, I have enough faith to trust he's out there!
 cheekyloulou74
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 22
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 7/17/2007 4:02:01 AM
yes i have found that most guys do have a problem wit women who have got children not many guys like you out there xxxx
 scratster
Joined: 6/15/2007
Msg: 23
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 7/17/2007 5:46:52 AM
Im only 37 (yay Im actually too young for something ) but felt I had to say something on this.

Firstly you say you were played & that you feel good being alone, that is an important step, after a split or event, its easy to jump into the next one, without allowing yourself to heal & take stock. So no it isnt unhealthy its very admirable, we've all heard the phrase 'On the rebound' if more people took stock & allowed themselves to heal, then maybe so many wouldnt get hurt?

If your unsure about entering into the dating arena again, try using this site for friends, Ive made 2 very good real life freinds from here, who I feel is a privalage to know. Meeting new people can be a huge step towards dating again.

Be open & honest about your children, whatever ails them, they are your children & whoever wishes to meet you as either a prospective partner or freind has to accept that your kids are part of the package deal.

Be 100% sure beofre introducing your kids to anyone you meet new, be they friend or possible lover. As yet my son has not met anyone I have met from here, nor will he till I am sure whats what & where things stand, & he is 18!

As for being disabled, certainly make a note of it on your profile, or mention it in passing on your first contact (in person or online) dont hide it, a disabled child has alot more obstacles to overcome & as such should be praised & held in high regard. Any person should have understanding when it comes to children irrelevant of any disability, & be accepting of a child for that child, not things beyond a childs control.

Hope that all made sense?
 ~~SmilingEyes~~
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 24
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 7/17/2007 7:46:45 AM
My perspective.. and truthfully it could be little jaded.

My experience so far has been that most women *and some men* have accepted my disabled 20 year old daughter with much love and respect.

As for dating, often when a man is "free" of his parental responsiblities ie. does not have his kids full time, I find they get quite involved in very active, very adventurous types of things that does not suit a person who has a disabilty. As well, sometimes once a man has teenagers, he is interested in a love relationship where he can be the primary thing as opposed to coming after some kids etc.

In the world of raising disabled kids and remember these kids turn into adults, it's a life long job.. It doesn't end when they turn 18 or 20 or 30. It's a different kind of life.

I'm struggling to find my place in this kind of life as it is much different than most of your peers.. While they are experiencing empty nesting, you may be searching for appropriate placements, programs, or therapies for your adult child. You won't be able to pick up and take off at the drop of a hat, you can't retire to a beach with your guy unless you plan on taking your child with you, you won't be seeing them get married or have grandkids with that child.

Having a disabled child changes your life forever. The trick isn't to see it as a bad place to live. It's seeing the world through different glasses.

I have a really great poem that really helped explain it to me. Email me for a copy. It's too big for here really.

My advice, live your life as if you were seeing your environment as a visitor from another country. Smell the roses, see the uniqueness of your life. Enjoy your child, and if you meet someone who embraces your child as their own, that's wonderful. But if you never do, realize that you don't have to have someone in your life to fully experience life. You could be single forever.. it isn't the worst thing that's happened to people. There's always hope.

For those men, who truly have no issues with someone else's disabled child or adult child, god bless you. For some of us, you give us hope and make us remember that there are exceptional people everywhere!
 komodo
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 25
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History
Do Men Have a Problem with Women who have Disabled Children??
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:08:31 AM
I work with people with different abilities. I would have no problem being with a woman who has a "disabled" child.
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