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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.      Home login  
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 Punkinpie74
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Apoligies if this has been done already.

I've been on this site for a few months and have read many different posts about how fathers either walk away and never see their kids or child, don't want to pay child support for whatever reason, mess the kids about with access visits, turning up one week then disapearing for months on end, to suddenly turn up again expecting to pick up where they left off, regardless of how it effects the kids. Now I know not all fathers are like that, and you get some pretty good ones who would get the moon for their kids if that is what they wanted and I also know then their are women who make it damn difficult for fathers to see the kids, and I also know that women can do the the same. But in being a single parent with four, three to my ex husband who is the one who turns up when it suits him, regardless of how it makes the kids feel, and one to a different partner who on finding out I was pregnet got spooked and didn't show up untill she was 3 months old, promising he would be the best dad ever then to disapear when she was five months old saying she was a mistake, she will be four in may by the way, and we haven't heard anything from him, I did write a few years back offering him the chance to be in her life but he never responded, I have since found out that he has left the country, so it his loss. So my questions are why would a father of three not be consistant with his access to his children, and we are going on 8 years now, and he still does the same thing, turns up twice a year, spends a couple of hours with them and is gone again, and question 2, for those who walk away do you think they will ever regrett it, and do they stop and wonder what their child is like?
 sweethangtoo
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 2
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 6:47:28 AM
These questions I have asked myself! My daughters (shes 6 going on 7 soon) dad walked away 2yrs ago and has been absent since, before that he did the disappearing act for sometimes days, weeks, and even months often.. I could not grasp why and still cannot grasp why... My daughters dad swore up and down before we had my daughter he'll be a better dad then his dad was! (his dad walked out when my ex was 7ish)... My exes, dad had no regrets, he went on to remarry and even have another kid who my exes dad is still raising (whom is my daughters uncle which she has never met, she hasn't even met her grandpa either)... So for question 2, I dunno, I am sure some dads due wonder/regret but if they did wonder or have regrets they would be involved wouldn't they??
 singlemaninMD
Joined: 3/21/2007
Msg: 3
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Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:11:38 AM
They are selfish losers in my opinion. No matter how tough the mom is being, this generally wanes over time, so staying the course through the turmoil is a must. The ones who walk away are the ones who are losing. It HAS to eat away at their mind. As the years go by and they "grow up' it will certainly will be at the forefront of their mind. I don't understand women who get with these losers after they walk away, they already see the type of man they are and the past is most certainly an good barometer for the future.

I don't understand and there is no excuse. Although they are cheating themselves, they are hurting the children and potentially scarring them for life which just SUX! Cowardly and sad in my opinion.
 micagirl
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 4
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:49:50 AM
I honestly find that for some people it can be. My daughter (who is now 11) hasn't seen her father since she was 5 years old. He decided one day that since she wasn't going to talk to him on the phone (remember she was 5 and we live in 2 separate states) that he was going to stop all CS payments (not court ordered) and just wouldn't interact with her. I haven't heard anything from him since.....I just think it is easier for him to pretend that he doesn't have any kids then to wake up and realize he really messed up and is missing out on an amazing thing - his daughter's life.

I think in time parents who walk away from their kids will end up feeling the pain of their mistake.
 Teaseme007
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 5
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Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:04:39 AM
HI
I am a father. I am single dad right now with a 8 year old daughter and I have a 13 year old daughter as well. I woud love to be part of my 13 year olds live and have tried may things to do so. I am so feed up with the mom who has turned her against me and tells her all kinds of lies. But the worse thing is the court and the court sysmtem more so is bios. The sexual discrimenation drives fathers away. I do not make excuss for the fathers who do not care but the ones who do have to fight so hard and it takes so long to get things fixed or to stop bad moms from turning the kids aganst dads. I should not say this but I have too because of personal experience! I think woman can not and will not forgive and forget. We all make mistakes, ie man foul around and so do woman. But in most cases a man will not hold on to the pain were woman will. Not all woman!!!
I guess I am saying that for ever man who can, must or needs to walk away there is a woman that is, can or does make it hard for a man to be part of the childrens lives. I must say some guys are jerks and this is true for some woman.
So I am getting tried of the men bashing maybe women should take a look at themselvies before bashing a man for some problems like this. WE are not perfect but hay for me my kids are everything and I will do anything for them. So if walking will be better for them I would but if I have to stand and fight for them I will get out every tool I can find. The part that hurts is th courts are always saying the woman is the only one who can raise a child right! Bulls""t!! I am a great dad and my 8 year old would rather be with me. I even went as far as getting her help whe nshe did not want anything to with her mom. Now they have a good relationship. I just wish my 13 year olds mother would do the same for me and help her daughter reslove any problem instead of saying you don't have to talk to him. So my last hope is the court system who told me to give her room and let her know I am here and I am willing to leason and be her for her. Well I did and now she will not talk to me at all. What would you do????
Single and not walking away
 tifi2007
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 6
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:31:12 AM
Yeah, I'm going through a divorce and fear that my childrens' father will do the same to them... He allready spent 3months last summer completely with his girlfriend and not our boys! They were devistated! They are only 10 and 7, and such precious little angels at that!! I hate the thought of my boys being hurt again by that man when this is over!!! I guess I will just have to be the strong one.. They are gonna need me for sure!I just hope I'm wrong about this...
 spider45
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 7
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 10:17:32 AM
Are you asking if it is easy to walk away, not on your life but that decision wasn't really up to me.
She walked away from me for basically no real valid reasons in my opinion.

Ask yourself this.

If your husband was just able to decide one day to end the marraige and take your kid(s) and suddenly you went from being able to live with your kids to being someone who only gets to see them according to some preset schedule. How would that make you feel.

It is endless how often it is mentioned about what it does to the kids BUT NEVER really how it affects the man in this situation.

But I guess we are just supposed to be mature about the whole thing and just suck it up and accept it.

For me personally that just doesn't cut it any more.

For the simple fact of being a woman you get to dictate pretty much everything.

Before I start getting flamed and we all know this will happen.

We are about to hear about the following,

He cheated........He was abusive.....He never changed diapers.....He never changed into the father I thought he would.........

on the other side She cheated ....She will still get the kids......She was abusive.....
She will still get the kids........and so on.

Now we will hear about "well you can always go to court"

How much does fatherhood cost these days?

How much should a man have to pay to get equal treatment under the law?

Maybe there should just be a flat rate so we can start to save that much money before we say " I DO" ?

And the flaming now will continue along the lines of we will here only from those actually fortunate enough to actually have shared custody and how great the ex is as a father.
Or mine was a loser and I am glad he is gone.

And from those guys (below ) who are lucky to have their kids will call us BUTTHEADS. Thanks for the support brother.
So, NO..... IT IS NOT EASY For me it is a total mind f3ck but I try to deal with it the best I can. I pay my support like a good boy. Otherwise the big bad government will make sure I do.

Was that the kind of answer you were looking for because it's the only one I got and my personal situation is unique to me and me alone.
 nicknjimmy
Joined: 4/5/2007
Msg: 8
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 10:18:41 AM
They are selfish buttheads. I would use other words, but I will get in trouble. In my situation I want to know if it is easy for a mother to walk out of her childs life like mine who sees my son on a hit and miss basis.
 Punkinpie74
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:12:59 AM
If your husband was just able to decide one day to end the marraige and take your kid(s) and suddenly you went from being able to live with your kids to being someone who only gets to see them according to some preset schedule. How would that make you feel.


So what your saying and please correct me if I'm wrong that just because the marriage is over, and you have to see the kids at a set schedule that because your pissed for what ever reason that it is ok to play about with the kids by messing about with access visits, ie turning up one week then disapearing for a bit then coming back, now let me put it this way, you have custody of your children your children are all set to go with their mother for the weekend they have their weekend bags packed and they are waiting and they wait passed the time mum is supposed to turn up, 10 mins late, still no sign, 30 mins late, "dad wheres mummy?" "maybe she's stuck in traffic, we'll give her another half hour then we will phone okay" the half hour is up so you phone her mobile phone, for her to pick up, you then ask where are you the kids are waiting" her reply "oh i'm not coming, I'm off out tonight, you reply well would you like to explain to the kids why you are not coming, her reply, uh no, you tell them for me, and that I love them, by this time you are furious, but have to control yourself to break the news to your kids and watch as there face contorts and you get the hicuping sobs why doesn't mummy love me anymore, then the screaming tantrums because they are that angry they have no other way to outlet because they are children, and all you can do as a parent is hold them while breaking your hurt because once again they have been hurt. And you are so angry with your ex because once again it is their parent who has hurt them, and as a parent you will do evrything in your power to stop seeing your kids being hurt. Sorry but what a load of crap, just because you or your ex is pissed at each other what the hell has that got to do with your kids. Kids need routine, if mum or dad says well we will be there at such and such a time on such and such a date, regardless of how you both feel about each other be there.


It is endless how often it is mentioned about what it does to the kids BUT NEVER really how it affects the man in this situation.


who's more important here the adult or the children, sorry hun, but it's def not the adult, it's called being mature and not sulking like a spoilt school boy who can't get his own way. You want to sulk do it away from the kids they come first, your pissed take up boxing work it out that way,


But I guess we are just supposed to be mature about the whole thing and just suck it up and accept it.


you got that right.


For me personally that just doesn't cut it any more.


what's how ou feel got to do with how the kids feel and isn't that just an excuse you are looking for because you are hurt and angry, you want to get at your ex fine but not through the kids.


For the simple fact of being a woman you get to dictate pretty much everything.


Is that a fact is it, ? would you like to explain how we do that?


Before I start getting flamed and we all know this will happen.

We are about to hear about the following,


you ever tried looking it from the woman point of view, and how she feels when she sees her children growing up full of cynisism?


He cheated........He was abusive.....He never changed diapers.....He never changed into the father I thought he would.........


What's that got to do with anything, so it's okay for children to witness abuse, did you know what the stastics for children growing up with an abusive parent, will more than likely and the percentage is high grow up to either be the abusier or the abused.

on the other side She cheated ....She will still get the kids......She was abusive.....
She will still get the kids........and so on., the

same what has that got to do with anything


Now we will hear about "well you can always go to court"


Not from me you won't the court system is flawed, and there are some really crappy mothers out there who have custody of their kids.


much does fatherhood cost these days?


It costs my ex hubby £27 a week for three, and he earns loads. as for my fourth child she costs her father nothing, he doesn't pay. That answer your question,


How much should a man have to pay to get equal treatment under the law?


I can't answer that one for you, but I do agree if the child/children would be better of with the father why not.

Maybe there should just be a flat rate so we can start to save that much money before we say " I DO" ?



And the flaming now will continue along the lines of we will here only from those actually fortunate enough to actually have shared custody and how great the ex is as a father.


can't amswer that one, but It would be nice to here from both those mothers and fathers who do everything I have stated in my first post, what's the likely hood of that?

Or mine was a loser and I am glad he is gone.


mine is a loser and I am glad he's gone, that doesn't mean the kids stopped loveing him any the less, what my feelings were weren't relevent, and I have spent 8 years trying to tell him that he is ruining the relationship he has with the kids, I have asked him to write to phone, i have even said i will let the kids phone him, but guess what no phone number for him, won't even give it to the kids.


So, NO..... IT IS NOT EASY For me it is a total mind f3ck but I try to deal with it the best I can. I pay my support like a good boy. Otherwise the big bad government will make sure I do.


Not knowing your situation I can only sumise with some of the answers I have given,


Was that the kind of answer you were looking for because it's the only one I got and my personal situation is unique to me and me alone.


Actually you haven't answered any single question bar one you have just ranted.
 Punkinpie74
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:30:16 AM
nicknjimmy


They are selfish buttheads. I would use other words, but I will get in trouble. In my situation I want to know if it is easy for a mother to walk out of her childs life like mine who sees my son on a hit and miss basis.


Maybe they could have the same answer as those butheads lol.
 East_Coast
Joined: 12/31/2005
Msg: 11
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 2:39:23 PM
Punkin,
In all question dodging fashion I can say.........it depends.

There are always that portion of the population who only care for themselves (NCP and CP alike) who everyone be damned will do what they want and walk away and not give another thought about it............of course they are the same person who wouldn't waste the spit on a man on fire.

I'll go with the guy who before they were broken up was an involved parent but mysteriously walked away after the divorce. What happened you ask?

He's intermittent with his visits?
He can't balance his life. He's been used to having a defined schedule his entire life and has had to never incorporate new items into it. Now he's trying to balance; job, kids, homelife, dating, etc. Its not an excuse but an explanation. He has unintentionally sacrificed their children, b/c he knows that "shouldn't" be affected by his inaction for "this one time", and of course he'll make it up to them.........funny thing is once it happens this one time its easier the next, then the next, etc........thats a big snowball thats hard to stop once it gets rolling.

He's walked away completely?
He has incorrectly reacted to the situation he's been placed in. He's lost control of his life (divorce, losing his home, etc.) so he overreacts..........wants nothing to do with this life right now...........again when things calm down I'll make it up to the kids. Problem is it takes longer than anyone ever predicts, and then it becomes harder to resolve the more time has elapsed until he figures they must be better off without me..........he'll convince himeself that is true, which is why a man can ignore his kids and take care of his new kids, adopted or biological.

Does he regret it?
Everyday. Does that mean he'll "see the light"? Not likely. Men are strange creatures, we can convince ourselves of anything. Its how guys can stay in relationships for years they never wanted to be in, they can keep a job til they retire that they absolutely hate, or block the fact they have children from their brain.

An interesting comment;

It is endless how often it is mentioned about what it does to the kids BUT NEVER really how it affects the man in this situation.

and this response;

it's called being mature and not sulking like a spoilt school boy who can't get his own way.

To devalue people's feelings illicits the response of people like Spider. I don't think he ever said his feelings held more value than his kids but that his are NOT acknowledged at all. What happens to most people have their feelings dismissed? They see the world through jade coloured glasses and can easily become the "father" you can't understand.

I'll reiterate this comment that I repeat in every thread of this kind.
(I should copyright it);
Life after divorce is about control. How much you want and how much you are willing to live without. If you can coincidently come to that or negotiate to that point you are many steps ahead of alot of people in these forums.
 Punkinpie74
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 3:23:04 PM

It is endless how often it is mentioned about what it does to the kids BUT NEVER really how it affects the man in this situation.

and this response;


it's called being mature and not sulking like a spoilt school boy who can't get his own way.

To devalue people's feelings illicits the response of people like Spider. I don't think he ever said his feelings held more value than his kids but that his are NOT acknowledged at all. What happens to most people have their feelings dismissed? They see the world through jade coloured glasses and can easily become the "father" you can't understand.


you are so right and I will apoligise, I shouldn't have said it, sorry, doesn't take the fact that I have said it but all the same sorry, I have devalued how he must feel which was wrong of me. would annoy the hell out of me if it were done to me.

doesn't make any of it right though now does it. kids aren't kids for long and no matter what is going on or how much a father feels his life is in turmoil he'll never get that time back. I know it's eaiser said then done putting all the anger and the hurt aside, but shouldn't the kids be important enough to do that?
 Nevaehs_mom
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 13
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 3:30:44 PM
Ok op your qestion is "absent parent's (let say cause there are mothers as well, do they really find it easy to walk away?"

I myself only recently realized that I dont think it is easy for ANY parent no matter what has gone on in the realionship or how they are as a parent I dont think it is ever easy.

I think it is hard but I think that the ones that walk away to a point now that I really sit back and think about it, I think they were the most responsible person in the whole situation and let me finish before getting jumped on here ok.

I think that:

a) yes it does hurt the children not to see their parent weather it be mom/dad because they walked away but isnt that better then the child having to listen to the parent fight all the time or the child have to be made to feel like they are not wanted rather then them be gone for good?

b) It is hard for that parent because that is their flesh and blood that they will never know how they turn out (ex: will they be like me or like them)

c) sometimes it is better to walk away then to fight a battle that they know they will lose in the end and have to keep going through the loss over and over again and put the children through that over and over again.

I think the question that you reall need to ask is, Is it easy for me when the other parent walk's away?
 East_Coast
Joined: 12/31/2005
Msg: 14
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 4:02:56 PM
Punkin,

Never said any of it was right, it just is. When you are in the centre of the maelstorm its hard to "see the light". All I can say.....selfish or not........focussing on it doesn't affect change.......if you really want him involved, whether its your job or not.........help facilitate..........not bend over backward for him, that only teaches him he doesn't have to balance his life. But be open to share control when he asks.

One fact I've found is anger and hurt are immediate powerful feelings.....love is just as powerful but is long term......and the problem is you have to get through one to get to the other.........
 Punkinpie74
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 4:17:31 PM
See I got over that years ago, nor do I bend over backwards for him, I learnt that lesson early on, the situation is the way it is, you except you deal you crack on. Just puzzles me how you get some really good fathers who play such a major part in their kids lives, even after they have split, then like I said you get the ones like my ex, who by the way we here a lot from when he's in irac, or the ones who want no part of their childs live, as they say they aren't ready for that kind of responsibilty. Like my youngest father, I wonder sometimes if he regretts it and wants to be part of her life, problem is we have moved since then, and like I said last I heard he had left the country.
 JAZZYJ XXX
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 16
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 6:54:18 PM
Hi Punkinpie

I'm so sorry for the way he treats the children !
Heaven knows what goes through these peoples minds?

All ya can do sweetheart, is be the best a mum can be and love and cherish them ...
They will know 1 day what a great dad he was !

I split with my boys mum 7 years ago and theres not been hardly a week go by that i haven't seen my son 3/4 times a week (besides when i had the flu once ) .

I wouldn't have it any other way, and i cant understand anybody who cant be bothered with there children !

JAZZY J
 erm1956
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 17
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 10:04:55 PM
I can tell you my own feelings on the subject. I told my wife that either it was joint custody or no visitation at all. 4 days a month and 4 weeks a year is not parenting, it's babysitting. You can't have any relationship with children that are strangers to you. You won't know them. They will have their lives and just be forced to go with some guy every other weekend. It's far easier to forget about them than enduring the torture of seeing them with no real stake in their upbringing. I watched this play out with my step-son. He has no real relationship with his father, I wouldn't expect him to when he was only a house guest at his father's house.
 diz73
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 18
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/23/2007 10:13:05 PM
no i dont think 'every' father who walks away finds it easy. it would depend on the reasons i suppose. such as if they were leading a particularly difficult life and didnt want to bring the child into it so he chose to bow out... yes its easy to say he could/should change, but life isnt always like that.

i often wonder about it with my own exes tho because my ex-husband doesnt try to talk to our son more than a few times a year, he is almost 10. it bothers me that he comes in and out at random. i actually think that is more confusing than if he were to just back away altogether,,, i wish he would make up his mind one way or another - to be in his life or not. this 'half assed' attempt is getting ridiculous. he hasnt spoken to us since christmas, and before that it was another 6 months with no contact whatsoever. its hard on a kid and i cant stand it but im pretty powerless at this point. i dont want to be the 'bad guy' who forced a child and his father apart. i was hoping he would be man enough to make a decision,,, but it hasnt happened yet.

my daughters father lives 4 hours away and only sees her every 3 months or so and then wonders why she wont talk to him on the phone when he calls every couple of weeks. not that i would approve of either one of them walking away, but i think if you are going to be in your child's life, you should give 100% or nothing. it gets very confusing to have good contact for awhile and then have them disappear, kids dont understand what the heck that is all about and i want them to feel like they can rely on the adults in their lives... but apparently, life isnt like that eh?
 spider45
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 19
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/24/2007 4:01:34 AM
I am going to throw another out there.

I remember my ex and how she would tell me horror stories about one of her co-workers and how he left them high and dry. Abondon the her the kids and leave her hanging with the mortgage and empty the bank account to boot.

Those guys do suck and probably deserve a crack to the head.

As I said before I hear that he didn't change but once a woman gives birth THEY change too.
I don't think a lot of men (or women )realize how much they change.

The hormone imbalance is overwhelming and a woman's focus is very narrow.
It's all about the child, as it should be. BUT with all the sex education in the world most men and women are not prepared for those changes.

From a man's perspective, I think they are so not able to accept the shift and have a hard time expressing their emotions resulting in a communication breakdown. Which leads to jealousy and a desire to bolt from a perhaps self percieved sh*tty situation.

They just lost that woman who they fell in love with to something they do not wish to compete against, an irresistable cute little bundle of joy.
Tough competition for any man.
The woman that went into the hospital was not the same one that came out.

Could be that women may not even realize they do this either and before you know it his anger and feelings of rejection morph into abuse, infidelity and just a desire to go.

Post partum depression could also be partly resonsible also.

When I was first separated, I was working with a guy who had said he doesn't see his son at all. He and the ex fought so much they saw what it was doing to the boy and she already moved onto another marraige so he signed off on his rights.

I was kind of shocked but now that I have been there and lived through it, I realize it took alot for him to just do it.
 singlemaninMD
Joined: 3/21/2007
Msg: 20
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History
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/24/2007 6:10:26 AM
Spider,
Your summary of what happens is almost eerily exact to my experience. I went to all of the pre natal classes etc, but they really didn't warn me nor did I see anything in regards to post partum depression. I had heard about it but the last thing on my mind once my son came home was that. It was glaringly obvious hat happened after the fact. She was very mean for a number of months (still is LOL!). I should have been more alert and responsive, but I was so damn tired from working all day (12hrs) then coming home to shorty and having her say "Here Ya go!" then on top of that no sleep for like 3 months at least, more like 9 months. A new house, a new baby, a new car and all that pressure to make more money. Gads this brings back memories I must have suppressed! LOL! The song Evil Woman by E.L.O. comes to mind! LOL! The next thing was the cheating and then breaking up of 2 families. Must be more common than I thought.
 darren2828
Joined: 4/5/2007
Msg: 21
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/24/2007 8:33:09 AM
i would like to add my point to this conversation first of all i would like to thank you pinkinpie74 for pointin out about dads that will do anything for there children i would like to point out that i have to little boys aged 3 and 5 i left there mum approx 2 yrs ago because i was being mentaly abused and physicaly abused by her. Even thou i left my children was always in my thoughts day and night even when i got with someone else who had kids that was even harder seeing those kids each day lookin at me as a afather figure was making it worse i started wondering what my kids are thinking and is there another bloke who thay are callin him daddy the longer it went on for the harder it got so from a dads point of view it isnt easy at all to walk away from there sons or daughters but that was approx 3yrs ago and still to this day im 4eva asking her if i can see my kids and every time i get no i even gave her money each week for my kids and out of spite she went to the csa and because of that i had to move from a house into a room in a shared flat and cannot afford to live
 scottish roze
Joined: 4/2/2007
Msg: 22
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/24/2007 8:54:54 AM
i understand that absent dadz feel pain 2 but at the end of the day it aint the childrenz fault parentz split up etc... my x-hubby walked out 2go 2pub 5yrz past n neva returned home... how do u think our son who waz 10 at the time felt n 2make matterz worse hiz daddy waz going round twn playing happy families we sum1 elsez kidz.....our son hasnt had any contact apart from hello n the street from hiz dad who happenz 2live roundthe corner from us....I wanted my ex 2 stay n contact we our son but he couldnt az he waz 2buzy goin away 4 dayz n holz we girlfriend n her kidz...It aint easy 4 us mamz or dadz bit imagne how much worse it iz 4 the children they feel regected believe me av watched my son suffer n it aint nice....I also feel that hiz dad must feel hez got a lot of ridgez 2build we our son bit longer he leavez it the more hate hiz son will have 4 him.... So we shud all put aside our own feelingz n think of the most important people here the children.... Am happ the way i have brought my son up n hez 16 soon so really his dad is the loser..x
 spider45
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 23
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/24/2007 9:32:03 AM
^^^^^^^BUT don't you see the pattern????????

It took being on your own for most women to realize you needed someone and replaced the person you were so in love with someone who actually met the real you. NOT the person you directed all that negative attitude towards and drove away.

That may not apply right across the board but there is a pattern.

Funny how the woman suddenly relalizes this probably WAY TOO LATE.

The damage is done.

Like the old saying goes it takes alot to see one's own mistakes.

We are not blaming the kids but do not discount the feelings of the man in that situation. He pays too!!!!!!

 ~TrueBlood~
Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 24
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Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/24/2007 9:37:40 AM
Spider, I read your post and was prepared to be open minded on your views from that perspective.

BUT:


The hormone imbalance is overwhelming and a woman's focus is very narrow


Most women who have children are not overwhelmed by their hormones after giving birth. Yes there will be women more affected than others by it, by this type of blanket generalization of women is quite stereotypical. It's like writing off a women's reaction to something as "that time of the month" or saying a woman's anger is due to "PMS".


They just lost that woman who they fell in love with to something they do not wish to compete against, an irresistable cute little bundle of joy. Tough competition for any man. The woman that went into the hospital was not the same one that came out.


This is my point that biological fathers are different than biological mothers. Fathers do not have that sense with a newborn baby, nor the bond, that the majority of mothers have. It is instinctual, natural. Women give life, nourish that life. It is nothing against fathers, it is just biologically different.


Could be that women may not even realize they do this either and before you know it his anger and feelings of rejection morph into abuse, infidelity and just a desire to go.


The needs of a child are primary than the hurt feelings of a father who does not get it. The woman does not have a choice when she give birth BUT to have that sense towards the baby.

It may very well be difficult for some men to accept and embrace their new family dynamic, and "abuse, infidelity and just a desire to go" but that is no excuse for that behaviour nor can it be condoned.

I see the rest of your points and it does give a different perspective froma man's point of view.
 spider45
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 25
Absent fathers, do they really find it that easy to walk away.
Posted: 4/24/2007 9:49:58 AM
So why then do you have a market for pms pills if you claim not to need them?
You can't deny that as we truly learn more about physical mechanics of women as opposed to the up until now a man's version of female medical science that a good majoity of women do experience this.

Plus if you add the sheer physical demands of early childhood how you can not see how this can affect even the strongest of relationtionships.

I don't know about you but no sex and no sleep make me cranky as h*ll.

Plus that nurturing is what attracts men to women. Once you have reached a certain point of intimacy, men do let their guard down and want that tenderness and to suddenly have that removed and replaced with nothing is taxing.

Hence the expression that I hear that my man is just another one of my kids or so it seems.

You can see this also among siblings, the first born are usually jealous of the newborn also. Maybe not in the same way but I would imagine quite close th the same thing.
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