| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:10:44 AM | I often hear stories of people in abusive situations and it just breaks my heart - especially since I know first hand how it feels to walk in those shoes!! What is also heart breaking is the fact that their are those who have no empathy for those being abused and blame the victim just as much as the abuser does for the situation they are in!!! Scary that someone can point fingers and have no empathy!!!! There have been a few threads on here from women in distress - one that just got deleted as well - sadly!!
Here are some of them.....
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts1http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts1698728.aspx
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts5http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts5484958.aspx
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts5http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts5983917.aspx
The reason I am posting now is to bring this situation to the forefront and to share a good article on this very subject! So that hopefully some will get an idea of what some are suffering!!! Often times people really don't see abuse as just that - abuse!!!! They want to lay blame, or tell the victim to suck it up - or they say you must have done something to deserve the abuse - all hogwash and just as abusive as the abuser!!!!
Here is the article.............
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
I just want others to read the past threads and the article and try to understand and to have empathy for those suffering!!!!
I have also worked with families in this kind of situation and I can say it is very hard to break the cycle of abuse - it takes a strong person to do just that. With support - education and assistance it is the only way. The more people that are understanding - the more help there is for the victims!!
*If you have known someone in this situation - or are in this situation and would like to share it here please do!!!
*If you have an article or thought on this subject please contribute!!!
edit (below) Exactly right 1gentlelady - you understand - it's now about protecting others and encouraging them to seek help!!
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:23:18 AM | | One thing some people do not understand is that usually abuse sneaks up on the victim. It starts off with small things that can be easily brushed off...and progresses gradually to larger and larger things. Those who have been in abusive situations before can recognize the signs. But often times, when in an abusive relationship, the victim does not always recognize how bad the situation has gotten....it has become their norm.... And the abuse victim does not let out all the details of what is happening inside the home....because they are made to feel that it is their fault....that they deserve it. So if a person does mention something, you can probably bet there is alot more happening that they aren't telling you about. Now that I am out of an emotionally abusive situation, I look back on it and wonder how I ever allowed myself to be in it.....why I didn't speak up.....why I put up with it...why I ever believed it was my fault.....etc etc. If I can encourage even one person to seek help...to show them that there is help and light at the end of the tunnel....then I will do that. Sometimes posting on a thread here is the only place a victim might feel safe revealing their hurt and fear. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 9:40:20 AM | | Abusive situations either built over time or right from the start, has only one answer........Leave. , people always hear "things will change" but change is rare in abusive situations Why stick around for more....leave it behind. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 10:04:55 AM | I noticed that disappeared,dont know why it seemed legit to me,but what do I know.
I hope it works out. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:25:37 AM | | i have never been in this situation or know anyone who has but it makes me sad to see others who have to face this every day!my heart goes out to them and my prayer is that they find something better in their lives! | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 11:58:44 AM | I want to say thank you personally to Leeanne for this thread. You're one in a million...a true angel. ;)
And thank you for the numerous PM's I have received. There's an awful lot of caring AND informative people out there...even ones that have gone through this in their past. I bet you have helped more that one person by posting this thread.
And I thank you...from the bottom of my heart.
So far, so good, it hasn't been deleted. Nor should it. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 12:11:02 PM | Well it certainly isn't about me personally today - but about every person who suffers at the hands of an abuser!!! It's about extending some empathy and some support to make sure no one else needs to endure the pain an abuser inflicts!!!
blondeandsexay - you are very welcome and I hope and pray that for you and anyone else that is affraid to move on with their life - away from the abuse - that you are more than aware that help is out there and you can live safely and happily!! You don't need to be abused - nor do you deserve it - for any reason what so ever!!!! I am glad you got PM's from others in support of your plight - perhaps another person has found some solice in what ever little support can be offered here!!! | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 1:53:21 PM | Leeann thank you for posting this thread
Posters do not understand the power these forum and and the power our words on here have for some people.
any thread about abuse should be taken seriously, it might be someones cry for help, they might read the words in there that gives them the strngth to change their situation, to stand up to the monster that is doing it to them.
Abused people are not always women, men are just as abused as women are.
I have witnessed what these forums can do, I have taken a suicidal person to the hospital because of these forums right here, and they got the treatment they needed to move past it.....it is amazing what a simple message taken seriously can do.
this place is an important ingredient in some peoples lives, and we should take it a bit more seriously at times.
We cannot help the whole world from here, but we may be able to help some people and that is a beginning.
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 1:57:52 PM | | For those who may not understand....Today someone was hurting - today someone shared their situation with us to get the courage to move on - to move away from the pain! It needed to be addressed - it needed to be brought to the forefront for the sake of any others feeling alone and affraid!!! Is the pain and torture of another human being not worth talking about again - for the sake of extending our support and understanding!!! It is up to each and every one of us to help out our fellow human beings when they are suffering!!!! Another humans soul is worth addressing. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 2:47:13 PM | Agreed - invisible scars are sometimes only seen by those who wear them ...
(and, equally - it's sad when others treat you as if you're invisible, too ...)
... What is also heart breaking is the fact that their are those who have no empathy for those being abused and blame the victim just as much as the abuser does for the situation they are in!!! Scary that someone can point fingers and have no empathy!!!! There have been a few threads on here from women in distress ...
P.S. (believe it or not, sometimes men are abused, too ... but I guess they're invisible ...) | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 2:51:34 PM | | ^^^ I said women in that instance because the threads were by women - indeed men do get abused and frequently!! It is definitely not gender biased!!! Many men suffer in silence due to the humility they feel. That makes it very hard to reach out to them when they require it!! | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 2:53:27 PM | | as i read into this thread some more,i realize that i was abused by my own older brother nonetheless!he hit me,called me names that were not beneficial to my self-esteem,and all because i didn't do things the way he liked them done!the worst part about it ,i didn't do a darn thing about it!we have buried the hatchet and are closer now but that will still be in my mind forever! | |
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.Lisa
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Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 15 | |
| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 3:32:19 PM | GOD I'M GONNA CAP CAUSE THIS TOPIC DRIVES ME NUTS.
MEN, WOMEN AND KIDS SHOULD NEVER BE A VICTIM, WITNESS OR ESPECIALLY BE THE ABUSER.
I WANNA SPIT ON LOSERS WHO THINK ABUSE SOLVES SHIT.
LOVE DOESN'T HURT AND NOONE SHOULD FEAR ANYONE OR LEAD A LIFE IN FEAR.
i was abused growing up cause my dad thought hitting would make us not do bad in life which is wrong and i'm thankful my son or i have not had anyone hit us ( boyfriend wise ) i will NOT tolerate that i don't care if it started as a slap. i don't hit ppl i refuse to go through it again and have no problem walking away from losers like that
sadly women are most of the victims and it leads to death.
any women out there or their children being abused LEAVE please i'll even open my door if running away is needed
 to anyone who hits ppl
burn in hell  | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 3:49:43 PM | Leanne, honey...I'm also one of those who suffered at the hand of another. It was long ago, but some of the marks are still there (deep down inside me). I was 17, just started university and he was my first real bf...needless to say, I never saw it coming...that or the first hit. It last 1 1/2 yrs...by the time I could face him, I dropped out of school. I was back on my own turf (at my parents) when I told him to go to he!!. He threatened my family and said he's hurt them if I told anyone. Luckily, I realized I had to. After that, it took me a while to trust a guy but though I've had other idiots, no one has ever had the nerve to hit me again.
And now, I am with one of the kindest men I know...the only hand he lays on me, I want it! 
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/23/2007 5:24:39 PM | My father never laid a finger on my mother. Inturn, my brother and myself never laid a finger on a woman. However, in the case of my ex wife (we were married 14 years), she was in an abusive relationship for three years. During that term he was arrested, convicted and jailed. He also abused her physically without intervention.... my children saw all three incidents. I was not aware of those incidents, 'till later.
After those three years of abuse she married the abuser. Physical, emotional and verbal abuse continued. My ex made excuses for his behaviour. My children then became the target of her wrath, anger and frustration. Her husband also picked up on that and now targeted the children as he learned he will get her support... it has happened.
After long discussions with my daughters, I learned they believe such behaviour is normal. It's something they've been brainwashed into thinking it's acceptable.
Because of my past history, I was able to convince my daughters that mom and her husband are not normal..... they are not able to hit and abuse others. I've got them convinced and now they are open with me and open to my help and support. They can't bring their personal problems to their mother because she is more focussed on talking down to the kids rather than resolving/discussing issues... she walks away from problems rather than deal with them - a lifetime pattern for her.
This past week my daughter had a serious issue that needed to be addressed... she spoke with her mom - got shrugged off. When my daughter approached me with the problem, we dealt with it and then I dealt with her mother for being such an insensitive and irresponsible person... the concern my daughter had was bordering legal intervention.
My point is... in an abusive home, the children are the true sufferers. Adults know what is wrong and if they are not of the mental capacity to deal with the issue, you know everyone under their care and/or within a circle of her friendship is going to suffer as well.
Kids can't walk away..... they are always the victim in each case either directly and/or indirectly. If ever I befriend others who are in an abusive relationship and the mother hasn't the desire to leave with her children, I'll talk to the children and assure them that behaviour is not acceptable. Depending on the situation, I'd call C.A.S. without hesitation..... all children need a safe voice to talk to. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 4/24/2007 5:18:03 AM | | ^^^^ and that My I is the main reason most should get out when they can!!! Kids see and hear more than you think they do and they take it in so differently than we do!!! Not a great way to live and to be a part of!!! | |
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Posted: 4/26/2007 9:36:50 PM | omg..this is such an important topic and i speak from experience...
i was in a very abusice marriage years ago. it is not that easy to get out of as you have to wait for the right time to do it. usually when the other is not home, which is what i had to do. by the time i got out i had no self esteem left, and thought i was worth nothing. i could not do anything right according to him. i was never good enough, i never dressed right for him, my hair was never long enough, i was never thin enough even though i was 104 pounds at the time...i am 5 feet tall. i was fat according to him and he reminded me all the time...
i lost all my friends because of him, i wasn't allowed to see or speak to my family, especially my mom. he controlled everything i did. i was allowed to work of course...but never allowed to go out with the girls afterward. i did get out one night with some friends and left a note where i was...big mistake, as he came and got me and literally dragged me out of the place and embarrassed me to know end.
i never did that again. well i did get the chance to leave and when i did, he had gone to stay with his parents for a few days, and when he called to tell me he was coming home..i told him i wouldn't be there.....well he told me .." i had better be there or else" well i knew what that meant , so when i hung up the phone i packed up whatever i could in my car and got the hell out of there and left pretty much everything behind...
it took me years to get back to a normal person...one with any form of self esteem anyway...i was so far gone that i had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital for a bit.
but too this day i do not regret leaving one bit and i would never ever let anyone treat me that way again....so many women and men stay in this kind of relationship because they don't know what to do or where to go...i was lucky i was able to go to my mothers place...they had no idea what was going on until i finally broke down and told them... i was welcomed home with open arms so i was lucky. but for others there is now people to talk to and places to go so there should not be any reason to stay in that kind of relationship...not unless you enjoy it, and i don't think anyone does....
this is such a great posting and i thank you leeanne for putting it up here again...
it is helpful to know that you are not alone out there...and that other people know what you are or have gone through and can have some insight as to why we are the way we are today....i am a much better person now because i know what i will not accept into my life.
so many others can read here and know that it just is not acceptable to let yourself be abused.
and if you are, please talk to someone and get the hell out of there....for your own safety and especially if you have children..
thanks for letting me vent here...it feels really good to let it out...i have already dealt with this, but it is nice to share it with others who understand what you have gone through...
again thanks Leeanne for your efforts on getting this out...and a great place to do it too..
take care
chris  | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 9/6/2007 1:57:20 PM | | Yes have been there although the last ex I had was 10 years ago was more emotionally abusive than physical. He hit me once and I belted him back so he never hit me again but the emotional abuse and throwing things all over the house was another story. Through a friend, I finally took my four children who were suffering too and left him never to be with another man in a live in relationship. They have done much better and are good adults now. I heard it is sometimes hard to detect emotional abuse. When that man started his tirade on me I would look down on the ground as I was walking and never look up for fear of the next things that would come out of his mouth. I have heard that abuse of both kinds occur sometimes because the abuser him or herself has a very low self esteem and they want to feel superior to their mate. I was lucky to get out and some men and women dont get out of this and for your children sakes please get some help and get out of the abuse you are much better than that person and take the advice of the others on here!! I hope this helps!! Jannie | |
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Posted: 9/6/2007 3:07:21 PM | I lived seeing my Mom being depressed and in and out of hospitals growing up. I finally at the age of 22 had the nerve to beg her to tell me what gave her so little value and made her so upside down. She finally told me. She was abused for years at gunpoint! I will never forget that day she poured her heart out to me.
You will be all happy to hear, she finally got the counselling she needed. She is finally on proper meds after trial and error, shortly after having been able to open up about it. She is finally living life and I finally have a Mother. She has lived through it and today is such a lovely person who goes out of her way to help others. She is able to move on... | |
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Posted: 9/6/2007 3:49:52 PM | | I have noticed that they take down threads about Rape. One of the best things for a victim is to talk about what has happened too them and I find it sad that they get deleted. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 9/6/2007 7:14:09 PM | What so many do not understand is the dynamics of abuse..... the how and why of it.
When you first meet that person, they seem like a good person.. it is like a bright and sunny summer day. You fall for them, and so what if they poke a bit of fun at you - so what if they are kinda mean jokes sometimes? .. all in good fun, right? You love this person, you want to be with them always... and they feel the same way, don't they? As time goes on, the verbal/emotional insults get worse, maybe a bit of derogatory remarks about things that cut really deep ... a bit of hitting and slapping, but never enough to make you really leave - you make excuses for the abuser.... but your self esteem is going downhill, you think you are lucky to be with this person... you put up with it.
Slowly, slowly, slowly, the sunshine hours in the day are getting less and less... the months go on, and just when you think the relationship is gone for good, they manage to WOW you again.... you really want it to work, so you stay... and things are great again for a while. But with each one of these "bumps in the road" the good times are getting less, and the bad times are getting more.
Eventually, there is no sunshine in the relationship, but by now, you have kids or other ties to bind you... and the abuser has made you doubt yourself so much that you have little self-esteem left... so you "just know" you can't manage without them..... or can you? You know the relationship is over, but just like watching a sunset, you cannot pinpoint the exact time or incident.... you just know it is over.... but you have no idea how to work out of the darkness. If you are lucky, you have a good friend or family member who will help you see "the light" .... who will be there to listen to all your fears, self-doubt, and boost your self esteem when it flags. You begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you get the strength to leave.... and it is the hardest and smartest thing you have ever done. You know this deep down in your soul, but you also question it daily... you are filled with doubt.
When you come out of that tunnel, it is like the train coming out of the tunnel into the sunniest day imaginable.... you learn to believe in yourself, you heal, you learn to love yourself again ... and you eventually realize that NO ONE will ever take away your power again.
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 9/6/2007 8:20:00 PM | ^^^ EXCELLENT POST^^^
Some statistics:
One out of every two calls attended to by the police is a "domestic" call.
Of arrests made at the scene of a "domestic"......over 95% are male.
Of the 5% of females arrested, again over 95% had been physically abused by the man at the scene prior to the particular call that saw the police arrest the woman. The man thinks he is clever when he turns the table on her.
This may answer why we don't see so much about males being abused.......put simply, it's overwhelmingly a man abusing a woman issue.
This next scenario plays out many different ways, this is just one example.
The "cycle" of abuse refers to your mother witnessed firsthand her father abuse her mother. She in turn married your father who turned out to be abusive.....afterall, its normal treatment in your mother's mind. You witnessed this and now you're with a man who abuses you. Your son one day tells his girlfriend to 'shut up', eventually he is arrested for assaulting her.
Breaking the cycle of abuse isn't just leaving the abuser forever, it's also about ensuring that your offspring do not carry on the cycle by becoming abusers themselves. Children from abusive relationships need help. | |
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| ~ Signs of abuse! ~
Posted: 9/7/2007 5:11:37 AM | Been down that road and telling someone to just up and leave, not always so simple.
Some abusers won't let the spouse just up and leave so easily, they get stalked, peace bonds, nothing but paper and getting one not always so easy. You have to have witnesses and calls into the police.
My ex threatened to shoot me and my daughter, 6 mths later he applies for a gun licence and got one, this after the police were called twice to the apt. for his violent behaviour by the neighbours. Did they do anyhting, no, had me leave the apt. so he could sleep off his drunk.
I reported the licence request tho and he was finally arrested, but I was told I didn't have to appear in court and he got off with a warning. I had moved away but he wouldn't leave me alone at work and the boss couldn't do anyhting about it because I work in a public place.
Abusive situations are easy to get away from when there are no children, but once kids are involved, try getting a sitter for 3am and is willing to work shifts.
You better have an understanding boss to help you get through it or be able to find another job if you have one.
Finding a place to go can be tricky if you have no family or job.
I've known somewomen who have to be in hiding, can't have a phone and mail goes to a post box in another town. Everyday they live in fear of being found.
I've met some abusers, they come across as really nice guys to everyone else, but behind closed doors comes a closed fist. They tell all their friends how much they love their significant other, they would do anything for them, but add liquer and hide a camera in the home. See how they treat their spouse then when no one is looking. The abused comes off looking like it must have been their fault because all the abusers friends won't believe such a nice person could be that way.
How many times have you read in the paper what nice people the neighbours were after they've been found dead? | |
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