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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 6:50:59 AM | The relationship ended years (!) ago and although we decided to remain friends, it hasn't been easy and we are clearly not "just" friends. During a recent online conversation he said some things that I didn't really understand... It would be great to hear some of your opinions.
What does it mean when he says:
1. He clicks with me on some unique level, which he doesn't fully understand..
2. I'm special to him because I was the first to understand him in a way that no one does (I didn't ask him the specifics of what "understanding him" means to him)
The conversation ended on a bad note. He basically stopped talking to me when I asked him a question.. After about a week, he tried talking to me online again, but I didn't respond..partly because I was still angry for his rude behavior and partly becuase I don't know what to say to him anymore. I know I'm not giving you much to work with, but do you think there is something worth pursuing/talking over/working out based on what he said?
A part of me wants to drop it altogether since this charades game has been going on for YEARS since the breakup.. but a part of me wonders what if we gave it a second shot? But I don't want to bring up the conversation if he doesn't feel the same. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 7:06:40 AM | Sounds all to familiar to me.... I have been seeing someone for almost 8 months now. Unfortunately its more off than on. He is a good guy however, he sounds alot like your guy. He's not much of a talker, but then again most guys aren't. But he manages to get his point across. He tells me (in his own way) that I'm good for him and that he cares. I thought we stopped seeing eachother a couple of months ago and then he begins calling and wanting to see eachother. If I ask any questions, he backs off like your guy does. In turn I get irritated and then I don't bother with him. One of his friends told me recently that he really cares for me and isn't seeing anyone else, but somehow that just doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. If we click so well but we can't talk, why bother? Part of the package is being able to talk to eachother and ask questions if you feel the need. If they back off or avoid you for it, something isn't right. I don't doubt that this guy cares for you, I know my guy does, however the reality is, its just not enough. When you really care about someone and want to be with them, there are no restrictions. You don't have to play guessing games or be afraid to ask a question without getting punished. I wish you all the best. Remember that you deserve the best.............. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 7:37:08 AM | | It's about time you have an honest discussion about your feelings. If it's still no clear after being friends for years, then it's not going to get sorted out unless you're blunt with him. If he can't handle that, then find someone who can. Most guys I know will talk about their feelings if asked, but guys are generally discouraged from volunteering such information. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 7:39:23 AM | Here is my two cents.
Tell him to shit or get off the pot. In my ever so eloquent wording. :P Many guys it seems do have trouble communicating??? Sooooooooooo give it to him straight. Tell him in precise words....................if he is looking for a one on one long term with you to.....
1) Speak up fast before he loses his shot cause you are tired of games.
2) Don't be afraid to voice how you feel.
3) Tell him one condition is counselling as it sounds like a good idea for you both. This is a very good way to get all negative and positive feelings out (for you both) with a impartial professional at the sidelines. Lets face it. Men and women have problems communicating. What better way to start fresh. If he does not want to go to counselling, this should tell you something.
If you want one with this cat.............tell him the old now or never as you are tired of the nonsense.
Good luck.
I thank you.
Edit: Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn is it a nice day out today or what? :) | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:10:18 AM | Thanks for the replies everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts.
EMS Princess, I agree that I deserve better - someone who would have no reservations communicating his feelings but at the same time, I can't shake the feeling that there is something there. I don't want to live with the feeling of regret.
Pierre1977, I agree that we need to talk. It's just that when I tried recently, he just stopped the conversation short without really getting anywhere.
Spacemanspiffter, I had actually thought about counseling for us, since we seem to have an ASTRONOMICAL barrier when communicating our true thoughts/feelings. Case in point..he literally STOPPED TALKING to me when I asked him a question online (the answer to which, I presume, he feels uncomfortable sharing). Of course, I am sure I do the same..not that I become horribly rude and stop a conversation altogether, but I evade the question, or ask him another question instead. I actually thought I was being ridiculous even considering counseling for us, but I guess it's not such a crazy idea after all. Maybe we don't need counseling but just a mutual friend to guide us through our conversation? I don't know how comfortable he would be with that though. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:17:37 AM | Wow - this could be my ex, perhaps we where dating the same man.
At some point you just have to walk away... for your own sanity. Nothing you can say or do is going to change him. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:23:22 AM | I am of the opinion that you BOTH need speak with a pro for this to work, unless your friend has a phd is phsycology. This is serious poop. If he won't go to counseling with you, leave the past behind because you will just getting back into the same old same old.
One thing we need do in situations like this is explore things out of our comfort level. Change is scary for people. Something outa the norm. Ya know? Like eating liver.
YUCKO. :P
I thank you. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:37:16 AM | this may sound harsh but its reality. His problems are his to fix NOT yours...its not for you to decide on what he should do so. how is this going to benifit you by changing him? maybe he thinks its ok with the way he is...You cant change ANYONE....no one can. there are many who cant accept changes in their lives...and helping someone with their emotionall baggage can take you on for a ride of your life....careful. I am glad i dont deal with my exes...they are my past experiences and thats where they remain. I dont waste my time an energy on those who mistreat me. why is it so important to many to keep contact with an ex anyways. my goodness seriously, lifes to short ...move on and find new friends.
dont live life by ...what ifs or only if i or if he just...think kind of thinking will never let you move head in life. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:37:58 AM |
At some point you just have to walk away... for your own sanity. Nothing you can say or do is going to change him.
I hear you. I don't want to change him nor would I want him to change for me. If he wants to change, it must be FOR HIMSELF, first and foremost. I don't want someone who is so unsure of himself that he would change for someone ELSE. It's just not how I operate.
That said, I do feel like there is something worth pursuing. When we were together we were both soo young and I feel we have matured a lot over the years, both with regard to ourselves and in our relationships with other people. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:46:25 AM | | Aaah, this situation sounds familiar. I think the guy likes you but does not want to give the relationship another chance or he already would have done it. Sounds like he's playing head games with you. This guy will not change. I would suggest dropping the "friendship" that you have with him and moving on. It's really the best thing that you can do for yourself. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:52:29 AM |
I am of the opinion that you BOTH need speak with a pro for this to work, unless your friend has a phd is phsycology.
He is a pysch grad student...so close. I think he would be great since he has personal insight into both sides of the situation, i.e., we have both discussed our genuine feelings regarding the situation with him (not in recent years, but years ago, when this all first started).
This is serious poop. If he won't go to counseling with you, leave the past behind because you will just getting back into the same old same old.
It's incredible that you have such insight into the situation. Yes, it is serious poop (!)...or in his words, "a special mess". I absolutely don't want to keep communicating the way we do, as it just gets us nowhere. However, I'm really thinking the friend might help? My gut tells me he wants to try too..he's just too afraid..of everything.
One thing we need do in situations like this is explore things out of our comfort level. Change is scary for people. Something outa the norm.
I see what you're saying. We have tried this friendship for years. At least after the talk then whatever this unfinished business is will be settled once and for all. Maybe then, we could both move on and try our hand at a REAL friendship (I know we both want eachother in our lives and don't want to lose eachother).
Ya know? Like eating liver.
Hehe, mmmm...  | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 8:59:44 AM |
I would suggest dropping the "friendship" that you have with him and moving on. It's really the best thing that you can do for yourself.
I've run this thought through my head many, MANY times and for durations of months to a half a year at times (!) Those were the times when I didn't talk to him. I guess deep down, neither of us can let go, because we both understand eachother in a way that we have not found in another person...and believe me, I've looked...and I know he has looked. It's not like I've lost hope, but the fact just gives credence to the idea that maybe there is something there. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 9:34:13 AM |
You've been giving it a shot for years, and not realizing it. Just let it go.
The things is, we haven't been giving the relationship a shot for years..but rather the friendship. But we're both beginning to realize we can never have "just" a friendship... That's probably why we cannot let go...because if we could be just friends, I mean REAL friends, we would both be ECSTATIC. But there is undeniable attraction between us, and when you add to that the emotional connection, it's, as he puts it, "a special mess." | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 9:40:00 AM | | Figure out exactly how you feel, and exactly what you want. Then tell him. Be very clear. This milque toast method of communicating drives me mad. Stop wondering. If he isn't able to be clear and specific about what he feels and wants, then move on. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 9:49:59 AM | | Exactly, "friends" just isn't working. So the feelings will interfere with you getting on with your life, as you said it's a special mess. So I would say either a: rekindle things and become a couple again, or B: as much as it hurts, let it go and get on with things. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 9:55:57 AM | "he literally STOPPED TALKING to me when I asked him a question online (the answer to which, I presume, he feels uncomfortable sharing). Of course, I am sure I do the same..not that I become horribly rude and stop a conversation altogether, but I evade the question, or ask him another question instead. "
When he does it, you capaitlize his actions to emphasize what he did and call him rude, but when you admit you do the same thing, it follows with a litany of justification why it's okay for you to do it. Well... he has his reasons too.
For sure this is part of the overall jigsaw puzzle named "Why We Obviously Won't Get Along". There's this "I'm right you're wrong" business between the two of you that nips it in the bud. Was it also part of the past puzzle named "Why We Broke Up In The First Place"?
I agree with your hunch that counseling for the two of you is a silly idea. First off, you're not a couple.
Besides, the same things that broke you up back then still exist, you guys can't get along, reuniting would turn out to be a fiasco. You don't think so?
Just the very fact that to get along you'd both first need counseling is in itelf a hugely terrible factor to get into a relationship with. Can you imagine your girl friend telling you, "Hey, there's this great guy I know and I'd like a relationship with him. It's just that we both need lots of therapy first in order to learn how not to scratch each other's eyes out and kill each other. But other than that, it's wonderful".
He's studied psychology, but any good doctor doesn't operate on his himself because it's difficult to be objective and keep emotions out and not second guess every little thing and go off track. So don't expect wonders from him either.
Your best bet is to see the fault lines exist and let go of this "special mess" and find someone whom you can have, not the "mess", but the "special". | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 9:56:52 AM | To me, it sounds like the 2 of you piss each other off to no end sometimes. Is that the way you want to live your life?? Before anyone ASS*U*MEs that I'm saying end it for good and all, please understand that I have seen relationships like that WORK, though I'm damned if I understand how.
But I do agree that the 2 of you need to set one another down and put your cards on the table.
Just out of curiousity, you mentioned that this romance ended years ago? Why are you considering re opening an old case? I'm NOT yelling at you, I genuinely would like you to stop and think about this. Are we perhaps tired of the dating game? I didn't look at your profile, so maybe you need to look CAREFULLY at what's really in back of this? Is this REALLY the right man for you or are you just tired of looking, and figure "better the devil you know..."
Personally it doesn't sound like the relaxed, levelheaded,drama free, yet LOVING relationship that I see as the best way to get thru life,but that's just an opinion, not advice per se.
Cindy O | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 10:29:45 AM | When he does it, you capaitlize his actions to emphasize what he did and call him rude, but when you admit you do the same thing, it follows with a litany of justification why it's okay for you to do it. Well... he has his reasons too.
I guess subtlies in speech don't come through in text. Of course I know it's wrong for both of us to be communicating in such immature ways. Neither of us is right when we do this. My point was that he is bad at communicating with me, but I am equally horrible.
For sure this is part of the overall jigsaw puzzle named "Why We Obviously Won't Get Along". There's this "I'm right you're wrong" business between the two of you that nips it in the bud.
I never thought of this way.."I'm right you're wrong" but perhaps you're right. I know I can be very stubborn and impatient and likewise for him..
Was it also part of the past puzzle named "Why We Broke Up In The First Place?"
Hmm, good question..why we broke up in the first place. I guess we never really made it clear why. I just know we were very unhappy in the relationship.. what with the horrible communication, or rather, miscommunication. The gist of it would be: he felt I didn't open up enough to him (my thoughts/feelings, etc.) and I felt he was overbearing/putting too much pressure on me to communicate my thoughts/feelings.
Besides, the same things that broke you up back then still exist, you guys can't get along, reuniting would turn out to be a fiasco. You don't think so?
I'm not sure. If I were, it would be very easy for me to make a clean cut. Some of the reasons why we broke up have changed, e.g. I'm a lot better at expressing my feelings to him now and he is learning to be more patient with me...but still, there is always this aura of pressure...I can't really describe it.
"Hey, there's this great guy I know and I'd like a relationship with him. It's just that we both need lots of therapy first in order to learn how not to scratch each other's eyes out and kill each other. But other than that, it's wonderful"
LOL!!  But in all seriousness, it may be good to talk things out...since there are a lot of underlying hurts when the relationship ended that we didn't talk about. If anything, it would be good for closure.
He's studied psychology, but any good doctor doesn't operate on his himself because it's difficult to be objective and keep emotions out and not second guess every little thing and go off track. So don't expect wonders from him either.
He's not a psych grad student, our mutual friend is..the one who I think could help moderate our conversation.
Your best bet is to see the fault lines exist and let go of this "special mess" and find someone whom you can have, not the "mess", but the "special".
I agree. But at the same time, I want to leave knowing I had tried everything I could. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 10:36:18 AM | @creative guy!
With all due respect. There is obviously something there. If both are willing to give it a shot to see if it can go anywhere, why try to dissuade it? Nothing ventured-nothing gained. I feel YES, they both need counseling. I do have reservations about a friend being the person who acts as an impartial party though.
For the record. I like your advise for the most part.
I thank you. | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 10:58:04 AM |
To me, it sounds like the 2 of you piss each other off to no end sometimes. Is that the way you want to live your life?? Before anyone ASS*U*MEs that I'm saying end it for good and all, please understand that I have seen relationships like that WORK, though I'm damned if I understand how.
But I do agree that the 2 of you need to set one another down and put your cards on the table.
Just out of curiousity, you mentioned that this romance ended years ago? Why are you considering re opening an old case? I'm NOT yelling at you, I genuinely would like you to stop and think about this. Are we perhaps tired of the dating game? I didn't look at your profile, so maybe you need to look CAREFULLY at what's really in back of this? Is this REALLY the right man for you or are you just tired of looking, and figure "better the devil you know..."
Personally it doesn't sound like the relaxed, levelheaded,drama free, yet LOVING relationship that I see as the best way to get thru life,but that's just an opinion, not advice per se.
Hi Cindy, thanks for your thoughts. It really triggered in me some self-reflection. You are ABSOLUTELY right that we bring each other to our limits and PISS EACH OTHER OFF!! The worst part is that neither of us does this on purpose!! It is as if our inner childs don't know how to communicate with one another. Surely, I do not want such a stressed relationship..not now or ever in the future. But, and maybe I'm being naive here, perhaps if we get to the bottom of why we are so horrible at communicating, i.e., why we are so afraid to really open up to one another, then maybe the communication can flow as it is supposed to between two people who care about one another.
Yes, our relationship ended years ago. We have tried to remain friends since then, but we've never been able to be "just" friends. It has come to a point where we both cannot deny it anymore..the fact that there is still something there. I'm not so much tired of the dating game - dating is fun - but that I haven't been able to find someone who understands me the way he does (we are fine when we discuss ideas on politics, philosphy, medicine, etc...but we SUCK at day to day talk..) That said, it is not so much that I don't feel like I won't ever find someone who will understand me, but that ultimately, I realize I want him in my life. That is either we get back together or we find a way to get past all these feelings/emotions/attraction and become REAL FRIENDS.
I've been thinking about this for a while now and it is definitely not, "better the devil you know..." I am well aware of people who stay in a relationship/go back into one just for the comfort of familiarity. I love myself too much to put myself through that. As such, I realize all the more that I should explore feelings that are still there.. If we get back together and things go bad once again, then at least I know we tried and there is nothing to fight for any more. Then we will know for sure that we really have to work it out as a friendship, since we both know we want each other in our lives (or be content with nothing at all). | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 11:04:17 AM | | IMO, if you both get mad and give each other the silent treatment, then neither of you has matured enough “over the years” to handle a relationship. If you cannot talk to one another, then you have nothing. If you really want to work on this, I suggest seeing a professional counselor who can help you to work through your issues and teach you how to effectively communicate with one another. Considering your age, if your history was “years ago” when you were “soo young”, you may be falling back onto old familiar (immature, teenage) behavior patterns when you try to relate to each other in the present day. A professional will show you how to recognize and break old patterns, and help you to create a new relationship dynamic. If you truly have a special connection, it will be well worth the effort. Good luck! | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 11:32:44 AM | IMO, if you both get mad and give each other the silent treatment, then neither of you has matured enough “over the years” to handle a relationship. If you cannot talk to one another, then you have nothing. If you really want to work on this, I suggest seeing a professional counselor who can help you to work through your issues and teach you how to effectively communicate with one another. Considering your age, if your history was “years ago” when you were “soo young”, you may be falling back onto old familiar (immature, teenage) behavior patterns when you try to relate to each other in the present day. A professional will show you how to recognize and break old patterns, and help you to create a new relationship dynamic. If you truly have a special connection, it will be well worth the effort. Good luck!
Frau, thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. You're right..if we cannot talk we have nothing. Our relationship lasted in our late teens and ended when we were 21. We were just perfectly horrible at conveying our feelings/thoughts to one another, which resulted in the other feeling hurt/angry, which resulted in silent treatment. I realize now that being silent and the expecting the other person to magically figure out 1. that I am mad and 2. the reason for my anger, is plainly absurd. It was definitely immature/teenage behavior. At the same time, he also puts pressure on me and when I don't open up, he closes up and grows cold...so it goes both ways.
"A new relationship dynamic." I like the sound of that and the old saying, "If you don't try.." | |
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| help with ex-bf...deciphering needed...
Posted: 4/29/2007 10:30:31 PM | I think he's just not that into you...Guys say what they mean and sometimes they don't want to say everything so as to not hurt your feelings....So they can be vague...
"I click with you on some unique level, which i don't understand....BUT"
It's like..I really like you, you're awesome, wonderful/special/understand me etc BUT I don't love you/want long term committment...
Time to move on... | |
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