| In the State of Texas
Posted: 4/26/2005 11:05:18 AM | In the great UPL state of Texas the best defense is a gun. But I agree there must be some limitations. So to help the politicians, I’ll offer these thoughts:
We don’t want anyone walking into a courtroom with a loaded weapon. So the state will place the weapon on the table where the defendant will be sitting. As the defendant enters the courtroom, one bullet is placed in his pocket.
If at any time he takes the bullet from his pocket, he is saying, let’s get back to a search for truth so we can have a least some justice.
If he places the bullet in the chamber: second warning, at least try to be believable.
If he has to use the weapon, he has two primary targets. His counsel and opposing counsel, who both wear bulls-eyes.
He can shoot defense counsel if counsel is asleep, inattentive, has a member of the opposite sex sitting on his lap, is talking on his cell phone during the judicial process, or is looking at his watch. If defendant is currently incarcerated and counsel meets him at the door, he gets one extra bullet. These we call free shots, meaning there is no penalty involved.
He can shoot opposing counsel if said counsel is hypothesizing to a degree passed possible. For example, counsel says, “We know a cow jumped over the moon and struck the little green man along the left lateral temporal region causing loss of consciousness and the ship to fall into the paddle boat where the old couple had been stuck in Lake Erie since last December. And knowing these FACTS, the defendant clearly saw opportunity to drive to Memphis, Tennessee, take a flight to back to Cleveland, rent a car using an assumed name, pick up the prostitute named Wanda who was standing on the corner of First and Main holding a chainsaw, and with clear intent, robbed the Fast Stop of all $13.12 in the register.”
This is an extra bullet free shot, no penalty involved: counsel can’t be certain of the amount taken to the penny.
State prosecutors or opposing counsel are allowed to use their cell phones at all times. However, they are not allowed to throw chewed gum or wrappers at the jury, or make dates with anyone other than the defendant without the immediate enforcement of the free shot penalty.
State prosecutors or opposing counsel cannot be shot for having members of either sex sitting on his lap, chewing gum, or tapping a pencil unless it disturbs the defendants sleeping.
The judge is a special case. He will be fitted with glasses displaying a bulls-eye between the eyes, on a target no less than six inches in diameter. The judge falls under the extra bullet free shot, no penalty clause if he is sleeping, has a member of the opposite sex sitting on his lap, asks for a date of any member of the audience, jury, witness, or either opposing counsel, refuses reasonable request by the defendant to go to the bathroom, is talking on his cell phone, is rushing the process because of tee time at the local golf course, or is looking at his watch.
A plaintiff cannot be killed; he has no control over the actors in the courtroom. The plaintiff can be wounded slightly if he hands his wallet, checkbook, or credit card to his counsel, makes raspberries, or begins dancing on his chair.
In cases of the blind, deaf, disabled, those felons who aren’t allowed to have weapons, the aged, and those missing the trigger finger, we institute a designated shooter rule.
Now with these rules in place, the jury, witnesses, and audience should be safe. However, if harm comes to any of these, the penalty is automatic execution. Both counsels and the judge are immediately taken out and hanged.
We must do everything in our power to ensure the justice system works for justice. These courts may not be pretty, but in the end, our judges and lawyers will learn to do it the way the Constitution says, or they won’t do it long. A few messes will give us better courts. It should also keep things interesting causing more citizens to attend a trial, and become more aware of the difference between what is said to happen and what happens.
Oh, and if the defendant shoots himself, the janitor gets paid overtime. | |
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