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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette............      Home login  
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 Gotmail?
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 1
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............Page 1 of 1    
OK first off, this is my SO's daughter's second wedding. Just wanting some feedback so I know what is "normal" or should I say proper etiquette.

OK, she is 25 and marrying a Jewish guy. She was just divorced 6 months ago, my guess bc she ahd met and fell in love with this new guy. My SO paid for her divorce.....there is a grandchild and the father was going to fight her for custody and she did not have the $ for an attorney.

. Anyway, the wedding was planned, this is the grooms first marriage and no doubt it is going to be a nice wedding. Well, the ceremony is in 3 weeks and the future father in law emailed my SO and asked for some $(nicely) to help defray the cost.

OK....really I know it is none of my business what he does and I am not trying to sway him one way or the other, just have some questions.

Ok, he is flying there, taking off work 4 days, renting a car, and will have lodging and meal expenses. He is also helping his other son w/ some of his expenses for the trip stay. Everyone lives all over the country so it is expensive flying/hotels, etc.

So, should he get to see the list of expenses?
Would it be rude to decline or offer to pay half of what was asked?

Another question about Jewish weddings. I am also going, so is there anything about not going sleeveless or anything else I should know?

Thanks
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/2/2007 8:08:11 AM
I think your s.o. should decide how much he wants to contribute toward costs.


Q. What advice do you have for non-Jews who are going to attend a Jewish wedding?

A. In synagogue, male and married female guests should wear a head covering and follow a basic modest dress code - that means no mini skirts and no cleavage. Most rabbis will give a little running commentary throughtout proceedings so all guests will understand what's going on. Also, if you're attending an Orthodox ceremony, understand that men and women sit separately. There no audience participation apart from standing during certain parts of the ceremony, but this is all done on cue. "
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 3
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/2/2007 8:57:24 AM
AAAAH! The dreaded money talk...........
The rule of thumb is that the wedding is the Bride's Day. Since, it is his daughter's second marriage to a first time groom, it is HIS, your SO's decision about the amount of money, he wants to offer towards the wedding. Certainly, it is not a faux pas for him to contribute towards the festivities.Only HE can decide what he can comfortably afford to do.

Advice about what to wear to a Jewish wedding?.....Traditionally, women wear a dress with sleeves and a higher neckline. No decolette or arms exposed in the synogogue.
Most Jewish weddings occur at sunset and you don't tell us if the invitation calls for black tie? But, some Jewish weddings are big-time fashion events. I would opt for an elegant, classy gown, if it is an evening event or a 3/4 length dress, if an afternoon event.I would avoid the colours white, black and red and nothing too clingy.
I think this might be the perfect ooportunity to get some brownie points with your SO's family. Call or email, asking the bride's opinion or your SO's sister's opinion about what they think would be appropriate for you to wear. Or, ask what the attendents are wearing and base your decision on this info.
Especially, wear your smile and give good wishes..........wishing the couple.......... masal tov. Have fun and enjoy yourself.
Muskoka
 Gotmail?
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 4
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/2/2007 11:38:04 AM
Well.......it is to be a Jewish ceremony, but since both the groom and his father are military, it will be held in the Naval chapel on a military base.......on a Sunday. My SO is also military and all 3 men are to be in dress uniform I believe( I have to confirm that)
Will this make a difference as to what I would wear(location) ? Not saying I plan to be flashy or clingy, bur sleeveless if it is not offensive would be my only concern. My SO has no sisters, only brothers and neither are going. I have not met anyone from his family to date and haven't their phone numbers. I plan to have him ask his daughter what the dress stipulations are, or ask for the # of the future MIL but that seems oddly innapropriate as I am only a gf. I was thinking pale pink or yellow and of course either long or 3/4 length.

Also I really do not care what he spends, he has plenty to cover the asked for expenses, I was just curious as to what the "rules" generally go for 2nd weddings........figured there might be some.
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 5
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:11:57 PM
I plan to have him ask his daughter what the dress stipulations are

Gee....some men just are not good at these sorts of things and if you could talk to his daughter directly, it might be the better idea.
If you can't talk to his daughter directly and since the wedding is on a Sunday, I'd forego a long dress and go with a 3/4 length dress with perhaps a small co-ordinating jacket to cover your arms. You can always take the jacket off later, if it's acceptable to do so. A dress with a jacket also gives you the option of being able to wear the dress alone or the jacket alone, for other occasions.
The colours pink or yellow sounds wonderful. Again, it might be a good idea to find out and make sure that the Bride isn't wearing one of these colours. It is her second marriage and she may have decided against wearing white, the second time around. If she does wear white....there's nothing wrong with this being her choice either.

he has plenty to cover the expenses

Then.......don't get involved with this. Just go and be your charming self !
Muskoka
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 6
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OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:26:58 PM
OP, if your daughter is living on her own and working, then she and her husband-to-be should be paying for their own wedding, especially if it's her second one. It'snot like the old days where ones children lived home until they got married. Today, once a child leaves home, they should be responsible for their own choices. if they want a big wedding, they should pay for it. If the parents want to offer to do something, that's fine...but no adult child who lives on their own and has a job should expect their parent(s) to pay for the huge wedding they decided to have. And if two people have been living together, then they also should forgo the showers and gifts...they already have all the stuff that showers are normally held for.

As far as Jewish wedding customs, a Google search on that should tell you what you need ot know, and you can always ask your daughter if his family has any other stipulations/cultural things you need to know.
 Gotmail?
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 7
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/2/2007 5:40:40 PM
This is my SO's daughter's second wedding......but the groom's FIRST. Which is probably what prompted his parents to plan it .....then ask her dad for $ toward expenses last minute after all plans were in order(including their offering to buy the plane tickets for his ex wife and the brides brother by a different man).
Again, he is doing what they asked, no questions asked, but I was just curious about proper Ann Lander style protocol.

I am looking forward to meeting both of his children, and travelling alone with him for 4 glorious days in New England. He bought my ticket too! Romance awaits among the stress..............LOL
 rejectingall
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 8
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OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/2/2007 9:42:50 PM
It is always up to the father of the bride to decide how much he is willing to spend. It is inapropriate to demand that he spend more than what he offers to spend.

If anyone else wants the wedding to cost more... then they always have the option of contributing themselves.

It being the bride's second wedding... the father of the bride has really ALREADY paid for the wedding he was socially obliged to pay ANYTHING for. A daughter can only legitimately ASK her parents to pay for the first wedding. (and should NEVER ask for a $30,000 wedding if her parents drive a 20 yr old car...)

Since the father of the groom has decided to make the wedding arrangements... if the father of the bride doesnb't want to pay a dime... looks like the father of the groom is paying.

The father of the bride has NO OBLIGATION AT ALL to pay for something he himnself did not agree to beforehand.
 MenanMascara
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 9
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/3/2007 3:57:01 AM
Shemail, I got this information from my boss, who happens to be a strict orthodox Jew and a Rabbi, he said:

The matter of who pays for a wedding certainly depends on culture. For example for Orthodox Jews usually it is the bride's parents that pay for the wedding (basically just the caterer's fee and the cost of the hall) while the groom's obligations include flowers, liquor, band,and photography costs) travel and such are each paid for by the respective guest. Of course sometimes such expenses may be way beyonds the means of either the bride's or groom's family budget. In cases where for example one side is wealthy and the other is barely making ends meet, it would not be inappropriate for the wealthy side to offer (or be asked to offer) to help pay for the expenses. Certainly all of these rules may not apply to other cultures (even among non-Orthodox jews!).

Regarding appropriate dress: the offensive dress issue is directly related to how observant religiously they are. Certainly at an Orthodox Jewish wedding it would be inappropriate to dress less than Miechal type of modesty (everything covered, the woman my boss mentioned above never wears sleevless anything and always has her legs covered i.e., long skirts or dresses and never ever shows any clevage--Kind of like Annie Potts from Designing women days if you know who she is). You will note of course that her clothes are pretty yet modest. I never heard of anyone limiting a color just to the bride or her family. :)

I hope this helps you some. The area in brackets above is what I added, the rest came directly from him. He did inquire as to whether or not the girls parents were jewish.
 grits37g
Joined: 1/2/2007
Msg: 10
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/3/2007 12:56:24 PM
I was just curious about proper Ann Lander style protocol.


Being Jewish herself, Ann Landers would be a great source of advice. Why didn't you just look it up?

As a guest, you should not wear black to a wedding nor should your dress or gown be so flashy as to be trashy or so elaborate that it outshines the bride. As a sign of respect, I suggest a jacket or wrap for that sleeveless dress.

Your SO sounds great and I imagine he will like whatever you wear because he likes you.

Meeting the family for the first time...first impressions cannot be done over. Select a classic and subdued style for yourself and you are sure to be accepted for the classy lady you are.

Remember to steer the conversation toward the happy families wondrous day and not YOUR romance.

Stress! What stress? Relax and be your charming self.


PS You are right on the first time. What he spends is none of your business.
 Robin4wheels
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 11
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/3/2007 3:00:43 PM

PS You are right on the first time. What he spends is none of your business.

I agree with that ^^. You did sound a teeny bit 'uptight' about him being asked to pay towards the wedding, in your original post. If you are, don't lay any of that on your man.. it's his daughter, his business, and he's not married to you.. and he may not appreciate you saying ANYthing about any money he's putting out for any of it. I'm just trying to give a few pennies of advice, I think you sound a lovely lady.

Sounds like you have a man you love... go and enjoy the wedding as his guest. Wear modest clothing, look lovely, and remember the attention is for the bride and groom on that day. Save the "hi, I really love your dad, we're a couple" sort of things for another day? ~smile~
 Gotmail?
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 12
OK...advice needed: daughter's second wedding etiquette..............
Posted: 5/3/2007 7:54:25 PM
Thanks ya'll.........Actually he is he one who tossed the info to me to see what I thought.
He had already decided to just give what was asked of him and he received another email saying just wait...??? He is a very wise , practical and even keeled person and recently paid cash for large chunk of land to build a house on and is very uncomfortable not having his huge nest egg. I only suggested he thought it through, bc he seems at times to do what others want or expect of him.....not saying he is a pushover AT ALL, he is just not one to make waves. (He is also a man and unlike women who toss th ese decisions round and round, men often make a decision quickly and stick to it, no matter what). He decided to do this bc he knows his daughter will become a part of this family and hopes that this marriage will last forever and wants to do his part to make things as smooth as possible FOR HER. Neither he nor his daughter are Jewish.

I did call his daughter this evening but had to leave a message. I will ask her about the dress issues, bc I also need to know how formal the rehearsal dinner is. Ok.........if I am accompanying him out of state that I would attend that or not?

Not a big etiquette queen here. I am really looking forward to this...........
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