| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:15:45 PM | I think we have all heard about the fact that finances are one of the main reasons for relationship breakups. But is it really just that?
I am not going to go into details, but i am wondering if my BF's reasoning for a decline in our relationship has to really do with finances....For my part, I have started helping with bills, curbed our weekly dinner out to picking up KFC or any other similarly hazardous fast food, tried to cut costs down anywhere I can and even suggested fun things to do that cost very little or no money at all.
His only answer is that we are not where we were a year ago and he is not going to be happy until we are. I am wondering if there is anything else going on. I am not sure I can do anything else to help out, but damn, I think he needs to try too. I told him that once everything is said and done and he is back to where he wants to be, there will be nothing left of our relationship.
Does anyone have any suggestions other than what i have already mentioned, cause emotionally this just really sucks... | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:28:06 PM | EDIT:
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Okay. Repeat the question and change the headline, please. You fried my brains and confused the heck out of my fingers.
A) If he has a very good job and a side business, what does it have to do with finances and eating KFC chicken? Living miserly? And not going out often?
B) If you have a property you own and contribute what you can, then what does it have to do with finances and eating KFC chicken? Living miserly? And not going out often?
I'm very confused and I see the lady below me is as well. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:32:51 PM | | where did you get that he is sitting on his ass??? He has a very good job and has his own side business. The problem is that he is not making as much money as he did a year ago...he pays for most of the bills. I contribute what i can because i also have property I own. This has nothing to do with him or me being lazy... | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:36:50 PM | Ok I am confused and don't understand the question at all...
We might need a little more to go on. But yes, money does put a huge strain on the relationship if your communication is not flowing back and forth smoothly. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:39:35 PM | | Kim, I think there are a LOT of people in this country in the same financial boat you two are. I hope he realizes that, too. When times are lean, it can be the very best time for a relationship if you both are pulling the oars in the same direction. I think you're doing a great job in being supportive and creative ... it's time for him to do the same. His self-esteem could be suffering right now ... men take 'bread-winning' very seriously. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:49:55 PM | You wanna try living in england !, most people are in £40,000 debt on average with out the mortgage apparently !
If 2 people love each other that much, they will work threw their problems together!
He probably is feeling insecure at the moment, having his wages cut, and struggling with things?
Most of us go through that, its a way of life, but it is understandable for him to get upset if he's not doing the things that he enjoyed before! we all would.
If your relationship is strong enough, you will work through this? , if not things will come to a head i guess.
JAZZY J  | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:50:45 PM | I don't believe it's the finances that are ever the problem in relationships - it's how the two in the relationship handle their finances. If one spends outrageously all the time or one saves every penny, that's going to cause a problem. If both work and only one pays the bills, that's unfair. If one has some huge goal they're saving for and won't spend a daime on anything else, that can be a problem. One has to live life even when saving for something big.
In your case, it says you're living together but you've 'just started helping with the bills'. I don't want to assume, but if that means you've been loiving there without splitting the bills, that's really not fair to him...but if that's the case, then maybe that's why he's not behaving like he used to.
Not sure what he means by you're not where you were a year ago, but it sounds like something you both need to sit down and really talk about and resolve. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 12:53:42 PM | If he thinks he can't be happy until he gets himself back to making the money he made last year, then it sounds like on some level he's lost some confidence in himself.
Also, it's obvious that when it comes to valuing the relationship, you probably put a lot more value on it than he does, otherwise you guys would both be plotting to make things better, not just shirking a solution and saying, "Things will be better once the Money is back."
Would he miss you if you were out of the picture or stopped communicating with him? Maybe you should try to find out. Find a way through innaction (like create a notion of distance) to make him question how much YOU value him, so he can remind himself that your relationship is valueable; Sorta like jumping into the cold swimming pool so the hot tub will feel hot again. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:01:34 PM | | You're right. i should clarify that the house we live in is his house. So things like the mortgage, property taxes, his phone lines ect...are his. I have now started contributing to these things to help out along with paying my own bills ( which he doesn't contribute to). I agree that a change in circumstance can be disheartening, but I believe we can work it out. If not, then we move into a smaller place. NOT a big deal. But when questioned about working on having a healthy relationship, his answer shouldn't be " I don't want to be snuggling in a dark house". | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:01:42 PM | From what little details are given...but based on some of what was revealed....this is more of a situation of two people who are 'independently together'. And the REAL issue is NOT the MONEY itself.....it is a hidden 'insecurity' of feeling a 'lack of total commitment' from the other party......Both person's individual 'back up plans' can actually CAUSE instability in the relationship...
You stated that you 'do what you can' because you have your own property that you own.....I am assuming that you two are living together in HIS place while you have your own personal property??
My question would be, is this the makings of a REAL couple?? Or is it a situation of 'what's mine is mine, and what' YOURS is mine'? Since he is not making as much money as he was a year ago, but your contributions to the supposed "OUR" situation have not changed, there sounds like there is a disparity in the living situation. Simply CUTTING expenses in getting KFC (by the way.......it's STILL cheaper to cook than it is to get fast food...) while contributing NOTHING more from your end is probably making him have some hidden 'irritations'. It's NOT enough for two people to just 'whittle everything down to the bone'.......Somebody, from both directions, has to UP the anty.
Until the two people in any live in or married situation face ALL issues of property, assets, and plannings of future retirements TOGETHER as a couple....with both feet in, and a 'mental security' of 'intent of the future in mind', there WILL always be a situation where one starts developing issues of feeling 'slighted'. And if one is not making as much as they did in the past.....they will start to become stressed......
It's never good to have a 'one foot in/one foot out' mindset for a couple to survive..... | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:20:57 PM | It sounds like his self worth is in question, above all else.
Men see themselves as providers and protectors. It's been our primary instict since the beginning of time. For many men, our ability to protect and provide for those we love is at the very core of who we are. It effects our self worth big time. Whether he is successful or not, is irrelevant. It's whether or not he feels successful, that is the big issue.
When he says he won't be happy until he's back to where he used to be.... believe him. I've seen men sacrifice everything important so they could further their career. Many men who achieve a level of success in their lives, their entire being and self worth revolves around that accomplishment. When there is a decline, their self worth tends to decline along with it. And that's what it sounds like here. I saw a guy who once made six figures, his company took a relatively minor series of cuts but it turned his 6 figure income into a high 5 figure income. You'd think he was making $25k a year by how he tried to cut costs. It was a really big mental block for him to have to get through.
I wish I didn't have to say this, but there may be nothing you can do until he pulls himself out of it. There is little you can say or do to help him. And if you happen to be successful yourself, that can only make things worse for him because of his pre-determined ideals that men should be the providers. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:27:50 PM | | This situation reminds me of when my ex moved into the house I owned with me. She had one 4 year old with her at the time. Up until the time she moved in, I had always maintained at least a $1000 buffer in my savings account. There were very few times I didn't have that buffer or close to it from the time I started my first job at 14 years old. Man, within a couple of months from her moving in, I was in the red every month. Like the OP, my ex "contributed where she could". And it helped no doubt, but more of it came out of my pocket and it still does. I will never live with another woman for this and a few other reasons. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:32:23 PM | | Thanks Piano4te and FFryan. Interesting thoughts. I think he knows that he is not alone. Whether or not we should make each other's properties joint is a hard question. Maybe we should just sell them and get something together. Nobody wants to think their relationship is built on or can be destroyed over material things, but they do make things very complicated. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:35:44 PM | To the OP is sounds to me like the Stress in your significant other's life has increase and that always increase stress on the relationship as well.
When burdens get tougher is a tendancy to see even a relationship as one more burden.
The problem seems to be not you but the fact that your guy isnt handling the stress well. Sounds like a little depression is setting in and he is down about how things are going for him right now.
I think you have to give a little space and time for him to sort things out. Now is not the time to push as he will resent any other stress towards him. Just wait for him to work through things and Im sure he will come around when the time comes. All you can be at this time is supportive. Anything else will come accross as stressful. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:46:14 PM | Money puts a HUGE strain on a relationship. If there is the constant worry about bills, and living pay to pay then of course this is going to have a negative effect. He also said that "he won't be happy until you are where you were a year ago"..he is putting a lot of stress on himself...and therefore inadvertently putting stress on you and on the relationship.
Money problems in an individuals life as one of the stress factors in a persons life, so put two people together and that makes it even worse..you feed off of eachothers worries. | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 1:46:59 PM | a relationship CAN be destroyed over money; IE, he doesn't work and she doesn't want to support him; extreme case, I know, but factual (happened to me) money never was a problem, till we didn't have any.
He told me I was a golddigger, that all I wanted him for was his money, urm, if you don't HAVE any money, how would THAT work?
OP, sounds like stress is taking over; those first few months are all warm fuzzy feelings and then reality sets in; why are things different now? What changed in the financial situation?
Is it just because you guys moved in together and he thinks you're not pulling your weight, or did his finances change?
Please note, I'm not bashing you or pointing fingers, just trying to understand WHY things "Aren't where they were a year ago" maybe I missed something?
Fry | |
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| Finances Ruining the Relationship
Posted: 5/2/2007 5:36:53 PM | OP, not sure if the property you own is a house or if it's being rented...but if it's his house and you're living there, you're still responsible for bills...Just some examples...
If two people live together, regardless of who owns what, they both should pay the bills together; now, if A makes double the money B does, then perhaps some percentage other than 50-50 would be fair if the house belongs to A. But if B owned the house then it doesn't seem fair to make A pay more than the person whose name is on the mortgage - meaning person B.
If two people live together, A owns the house and B owns other property, that still doesn't negate B from sharing in paying some of the bills, like the utilities and such, as those are going to go up with another person in the house. Also, if the property B owns can be rented to cover the mortgage owed on it, then B shoudl consider that they're essentially 'renting' where they're now living and pay up accordingly.
It's always difficult when moving into a place that one of the people in the relationship already owns, especially when just living together. At least with marriage it's more common to either sell what you have an buy new together, or put both names on the current property...but I'd never do something like that when only living together.
It sounds like he's pretty concerned about finances...andmaybe he's the type that likes to know he has a good cushion to fall back on, and maybe that cushion has shrunk a bit lately. A good talk, where you both listen to each other's concerns, can't hurt, and it coudl help. Good communication is the key to everything in a relationship. | |
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