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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/4/2007 3:32:36 AM | Hello All,
I'm a transplant from the East Coast (Washington DC area) and I must say that I'm really confused about the dating scene out here in Seattle area. I think of myself as a pretty attractive, intelligent, professional man with a lot of ambition and drive. I have been out here for about 5 years now and have experienced the high's and lows (mostly lows) of the dating scene. But nevertheless, I'm still confused. People keep telling me that I'm using the wrong approach so I'm putting this topic out there in hopes that maybe some native seattlelites can help me out.
For one, if I approach a woman and say "Hi, how are you?" "What's your name?" "Do you Have a boyfriend?" etc. etc. Is that the wrong approach? I tend not to do the whole small talk thing and I believe in being direct and to the point.
Also, there seems to be a lot of flakiness out here. Is that something that I'm just going to have to learn to accept? I mean, if I set up a date with someone and I expect them to be where they said they were going to be and either they don't show up or even call to let me know one way or the other am I wrong for being upset? This has happened to me on several occasions where the woman in question didn't feel it necessary to communicate a change of plans and didn't bother to show up because she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Is that the norm out here?
Another thing that I've found unusual is that women tend to be really sensitive about one thing or the other. There have been many times where I've been talking to a woman and have said something in jest or maybe made a literal comment and it was deemed to be rude. I really don't see myself as rude or insensitive but to a lot of seattle women i am.
Any feedback from you folks would be greatly appreciated. Thanks | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/4/2007 12:30:02 PM | Welcome to the Puget Sound, darkromeo. Home of the "Uptight Seattlelite."
Your observations are mostly correct, except they apply equally well to guys, too. Behind those friendly smiles, there's a lot of thin skin, and *everyone's* on guard about something. I've lived here all my life, and what you describe is remarkable to see: for fear of betraying some kind of vulnerablility, there's a wariness behind every smile, and while that might protect them in the short run, what is does over time is teach folks that real human interaction is a disposable quantity.
People on the outside pick up on these vibes pretty easily. I've been around long enough that I don't directly experience it anymore, unless I'm reminded of it, like today. It's as if a great many of the Seattle-area people are somehow scared of themselves. And any kind of pointed query provokes a defensive reaction. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/8/2007 9:58:40 AM | | Wow, this forum is really quiet. No replies? | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/8/2007 10:22:11 AM | | You can't just sashay up to a woman whom you don't know from Eve and begin to ask personal questions. It isn't polite and its also liable to be a big turnoff. Learn and master the art of small talk without intruding into private matters. I notice in your profile you're interested in dates who are apt conversationalist. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/8/2007 10:38:10 AM | | Sorry, but small talk isn't my thing. I'm not the type of person that can talk about something that I'm totally not interested in. I mean, what am i supposed to say? Am i supposed to walk up to a woman and say "hey, how's the weather"? LOL, cmon now. To me that feels stupid. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/8/2007 5:16:38 PM | Oh c'mon. There must be dozens of topics that you can easily converse on - current events, politics, sports, business, yadda yadda. This has got to be one of the most interesting of times to be alive, in the entire 10 thousand odd years of civilization. I can stand on a corner and strike up conversation while waiting for the light to change in Seattle or Portland. In eateries, bookstores, coffee houses. You got culture up the ying yang - tons of great places to meet people, lots of potential for finding folks who can carry on intelligent conversation. (OTOH, you also have traffic jams, a tad too much rain and people congestion, and pollution).
Its strange, but I can't do it nearly as quickly in my home town, mostly because the locals are very under-educated and frankly disinterested in cosmopolitan doings. You wanna talk hunting, fishing or sports with the guys, fine. The wimmin here are mostly shallow and more concerned with local gossip, and who is doing what to or with whom, than global happenings. Thats small town mentality (which, BTW, Spokane also has in abundance, a real turnoff for living there, despite its ranking in the recent lists of Best Places to Live in the US).
We can switch locations.  You can go to the local cowboy car and knock back a couple of Buds and then pick up the local girls.
Oh wait, you're the wrong color for the tightass whitebread types here. See, I'm from Motown. I don't exactly 'fit' in my location, either. But I can adapt to life in larger Metro settings, same as you (and I have, in large cities in the Midwest and Deep South).
You been in Seattle for 5 years. If you still feel that you're an outsider, maybe you LOOK and act like an outsider, too.
Think on that one. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/9/2007 11:05:21 AM | Its the lack of sunlight and the constant coffee injections that give everyone the jitters. Come to east side of the state and things are a bit more on the mellow side.
You can't just sashay up to a woman whom you don't know from Eve and begin to ask personal questions right cause asking her name is really personal? I guess it depends on the person but if some woman came waltzing up to you and asked you all those question wouldn't you be flattered at least? I mean that is if she was attractive. I know I would love it, and I don't think they would be 'personal' in the least. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/11/2007 7:51:38 AM | Very few women are going to provide personal information to a stranger, man or woman, when asked, without knowing more about them first.
*squint* I would NOT be flattered if a strange woman wandered up to me asked me if I had a boyfriend and asked my name. I would wonder at her sexual orientation and would probably give her a polite but negative reply and walk away. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/11/2007 7:55:10 PM | | LOL, that's a typical seattlite response. Boy, people out here sure don't take too well to people that are direct. It seems like you have to come at someone sideways all the time. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/12/2007 12:33:23 AM | I have read remarks that are funny and true to an extent. I am a newcomer and can't speak for the women of Seattle, but I find that when someone asks me my name or if I have a boyfriend on the first online encounter... You want a contact a woman without even talking to her?? Waddaya mean, you don't know how to talk to a woman? What are your conversations with men like? I don't believe the topics should be any different, although the delivery and style expectation of each gender may be different... | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/12/2007 12:59:08 AM | I moved her from NYC and I WISH men were more direct!
I hate going out and being afraid to talk to any men I don't know because NONE of them give any signs of interest or anything. No eye contact, they look away or look perplexed if you give them a look or smile. I just assume nobody is interested. I'm not Jabba the hut either.
(I know my profile is hidden right now so you wouldn't know, haha) | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/12/2007 9:21:53 AM | Here a few weeks ago I asked a girl out in Barnes and Noble. She screamed and freaked out and wanted to call the cops. In the end it was all good but wow. I guess thats not how its done here.
Makes me wonder just how people meet here? Friends networking and at work seem most common. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/12/2007 8:18:15 PM | | Okay, well, I'm going out tonight. Everyone wish me luck. I'm goin out to club heaven in seattle. . . I have VIP there. I will let you know the results of my little excursion later. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:13:34 PM | | How did your night out go, you didn't post so maybe you met the girl who liked your directness..... | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/19/2007 9:39:46 PM | Dark I hear you man. I'm a native NY'er, and this is my second time living in the Seattle area. When I lived here previously I was married, so I did not have to deal with the singles scene back then. I am very disappointed with the women here so far. What I feel most of all is that the women here could care less whether they are in a relationship or not. You'll read their profiles, and it sure looks like they would like to meet a guy. But in reality it just doesn't seem to be all that big a deal to them. I know I'm painting with very broad strokes here, so to all the women that honestly do want to find a partner I apologize in advance.
I did date one girl that I met on POF for about 6 months. This girl was something else. If you look up the definition for "high maintenance" in the dictionary, not only is her picture there, but I'm pretty sure she wrote the definition. The sensitivity I had to deal with, both emotionally and physically, was incredible. It got to the point where I was afraid to speak. Now I was hoping that was just an isolated experience, but when I read your description of the women you have met so far I get very, very frightened.
As far as POF goes, I have seen some strange behavior here as well. Here's an example...I contacted a girl last week and she immediately wrote me back expressing interest. I was shocked because this girl was very attractive, and was on over 140 favorite's lists. Not that I don't think I'm worthy, but still the odds seemed low. So anyway we do a bit of chatting, and we seem to have an incredible amount in common. We both agree to meet quickly, since chatting up a storm here can be such a huge waste of time. There's nothing like face to face. So we exchange numbers, and I wait a day and then call her. I get voice mail. No problem I say to myself, and leave a message. This was Wednesday. Now here it is Saturday evening, still no call back. Instead of calling again, I wrote her a brief message last night saying hi, and wondering if she would have some free time this weekend. Message read...no reply. WTF? That is the end of me contacting her.
I've had other conversations with women that just mysteriously die off. I'll write them... they write back expressing interest...I write back with some general stuff about myself and a question or two for them...they write back answering my questions but NOT asking me anything which makes me feel like I have to drive the conversation...I write back...and then they just stop writing. Again...WTF? I think what we need is a place where we can meet east coast women that have relocated to Seattle. LOL. I understand east coast women. I haven't a clue regarding west coast women.
Sorry for the long rant. I obviously had some stuff to get off my chest. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/23/2007 3:39:18 PM | | I have been here for 12 years and can relate completly! Women around here are hard to approach. If you say Hi they ignore you or look at you with a dumbfounded look and keep walking. I gave up when I am out now, unless I am a a club or something. Very different from other parts of the country. Actually thinking of moving becuase of this! Look up the "Seattle Freeze" for more insight to this problem here. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/24/2007 12:59:44 AM | Oh Man, I can definitely relate to you when you say 'high maintenance' . Being from the east coast our personalities definitely clash with the women out here. I had a girl call me an ***hole simply because I told her that she should try to be more open minded. And it wasn't like it was anything serious; I just wanted her to watch basketball with me, LOL. The scene out here is very odd and unusual. I was reading something one day that said that Washington state was used as the inspiration for the emerald city in the Wizard Of Oz. I seriously feel sometimes like i'm living in the land of Oz. I moved out here about 5 years ago to get away, left my family and my life behind to start over. Not to say I haven't had my share of good times and this is a beautiful area, but there comes a time when your luck runs out here and you get to the point where you are up the creek without a paddle. When I call my female friends from the East Coast on the phone it's such a breath of fresh air; to be able to say exactly what's on my mind and not have them get totally offended.
Needless to say I'm still out there, not gonna give up. I went to club heaven last week and it was cool. Can't really say that I met anyone worthwhile as I wasn't really attracted to many of the women there. There was a really cute bartender tho. I gave her my card and I haven't heard from her, oh well. I'm gonna go clubbing down in Auburn this weekend. A friend of mine told me that the scene was better down there so we'll see.
Anyways, I'll post an update of my experience this weekend on here
Good Luck | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/24/2007 1:35:55 PM | | Best of luck in Auburn Dark! I look forward to hearing about it. I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one missing east coast women. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/24/2007 11:45:49 PM | Dudes... man, I feel your pains! I have been here 20 years, and still cant figure out most of the men up here.. guess the women are the same! Im ready to start looking in other states!!!
look me up, Ill go out with some of you cuties! lol
Best of luck to ya'll!
Rosie:: | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/25/2007 11:52:15 PM | Dark this isn't just a Seattle thing it is a Washington/ Northwest issue. Having lived in Spokane, Seattle, Portland, Couer D'Alene and Boise after living in LA, NY and Atlanta this whole area is podunk. We are at least 2-5 years behind in style and culture, and social skills/culture should to be a mandatory class at the high school level. If you are a confident and self assured person here, you are going to starve, most of the locals with those traits left a long time ago (right out of high school). I am an original Spokanite and I traveled right out of school and didn't look back, I came back to the area when I was ready to have a family. What you have to keep in mind is that most of the people that you are meeting probabley haven't lived anywhere else, so they know nothing else. Some of those cities are changing but it will be awhile. For that matter here in the Tri cities has been a different expierence, but I have a job that I get to travel a lot for release. Just an FYI. If this offends anyone I don't care because I don't know you and I probabley wouldn't want to. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/26/2007 11:44:13 PM | Ok, I am going to go all out, so please no one get offended........oh wait this is Seattle, you got to walk on egg shells for people here.
Dark I am an east coaster is well...well I was raised in that east coast fashion because my parents and most my family are Bostonians. I lived most my life in the south and really compared to the south, Seattle has it going because at least people here are nice and polite unlike Texas for example where people will make you feel like a piece of dirt if you mess up, people will get in your face and be direct. The women of Texas are arguably some of the most attractive in the nation are very phony because they grew up on money and expect that in life, they are used to it, what is the point of this you ask me? I will tell you:
Seattleites are a bunch of cold fish that need to have life breathed into them. But this is the main reason: it is the direct effect of the weather and the culture here, so really its not their fault it’s a learned behavior and many of them if not all of them who stay here don’t know any better. I often joked that if the women who are skilled in giving the cold shoulder and being the spur of the moment type people and have that laid back mentality were to go to the east coast they would be eaten alive by the social norms there. The gray skies and snow isn’t an excuse to cocoon up on your room and play on your computer and listen to your 500 songs on your I-pod but believe it or not that’s what these northwestern folk do when the rain falls and the skies gray, they hibernate.
Also there is the culture here. Many of you know that the Seattle area and the greater Seattle area are made up of Swedes and other Nordic folk who moved here. Well guess what? Their culture came here too. It is a custom in Sweden and Norway if not all Nordic nations to be polite to all people but keep to yourself and not have too many friends, and never ever confront someone about a problem, the last thing you want to do us hurt their feelings or anger them. You avoid them. So Seattleites and the cultures making up Seattle including the ever so present Asian population, this culture here is one of respect, politeness but you must go about your business and leave others alone.
Also as a social science major I also have interviewed many women with a desire to understand why women are so passive here and why you cant just approach them and say hi and all that stuff. Because whether it was your goal or not, women automatically assume you want to be their boyfriend which leads to me believe they are a lot of single men out there and a lot of single and happy women which leads me to my next point: progression
This is a blue state and Washington is perhaps one of the most liberal in the union with many elements of the hippie culture still active and if you don’t believe me, please go to the folk life festival and see for yourself. Also women here are very pro active when it comes to equality and are very independent creatures and not in need of a relationship to function, they can rely on friends, and if this is weird.....wait till you hear this:
Relationship norms are on the change. No longer are relationships needed in order to gain any sort of satisfaction. Many a date told me to pursue an intimate relationship with a woman because it will build my confidence and will develop a connection that is stronger than taking her out on several dates and then spend the night with her and that night wont include sex. Men are just a guilty of this, in fact more guilty than women are because women have reported that men want to sleep with them after the first date.....hello?
Understand now? Not to hard to understand when you look at it outside the box. Don’t think that this is a generalization this is the work of social scientists that understand the famous Seattle freeze. I mean I recall once showing this to one woman and she got mad and said I was generalizing, and yet after she said that she showed all the symptoms of that generalization, from avoidance, to spur of moment/none commitment to even the most informal of get together. She became part of that generalization.
So you got paranoid women, horny men, weather that makes Seattleites like flowers (close up during the winter and bloom in the summer) a progressive culture where women are more independent which is backed by a culture that teaches us to keep everyone at a distance. The best advice I can offer is to join clubs and groups that cater to your interests, google it on the Internet you can find meet up groups and clubs in your area and that’s a start. If you are a church going person also go there, and most of all strive to make friends and use them to network you around, my bro met his girl friends via other friends so that is also another option. Get yourself out there and reach out and someone will come along. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/28/2007 8:10:52 AM | Okay here's an update for you guys:
Well, saturday I went out to two different spots, a bar called Amber and back to Club Heaven. Amber is a pretty laid back kind of place, people usually go there before going out to the clubs or "prefunk" is the expression used here in seattle. So anyway, I see this beautiful woman and she's holding a drink in a pretty unique looking glass. I ask her "What kind of drink is that?" and she immediately comes over to me smiling. She tells me it's a margarita. Okay, things going good so far. So we start to talk, conversation seems to be going pretty well. I ask her name, she tells me and I tell her mine. Here is where the conversation takes a total dive, I say "How old are you?" After that question her expression totally changes, LOL. She says "You never ask a woman her age!". Well, excuse me but most women that I talk to never really have a problem with that unless its something that they are really insecure about. So I apologize and try to continue the conversation but we get into this big thing about age. She asks me how old I am and I tell her to guess. She tells me I have the confidence of a 37 year old (which is good by the way) and the looks of a 25 year old. I tell her thanks and that i'm 32. Then she tells me to guess her age, and I say she looks about 25, which is why I didn't think the age question would be such a big deal. Then she says "now you are being too cautions" LOL. So anyway we finally get around to it and she tells me she's actually 36. My mouth dropped and I told her I can't believe it and that she really looks good. She thanks me and I figure the conversation is going to good from there. So, the next thing I know she holds up her glass to say cheers and I do the same. Then she walks away. LOL. Typical seattle woman. Well, I guess I'll never ask the age question again. Maybe I'll get busted for statutory rape next time, hehehe. | |
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| Women In Seattle
Posted: 5/28/2007 10:29:46 AM | Hey Dark,
sounds like a typical seattle ice conversation, 3 things might of happened:
1. She felt insulted by the age thing and knew from there it was no use, you were to her very rude.
2. She got cold feet and retreated (most likely)
3. She was just looking for some attention and got some and moved on to another person, she was never intrested in you anyways.
I would of followed her and played her alittle more, I mean if she says you asking her age was wrong then her walking off like that makes her no better. But yea never ask a woman's age, out here in Seattle women are still very traditional and age means alot to them no matter how old or young they may be. GOOD LUCK!!!! | |
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| Men calling out to strangers in Seattle
Posted: 5/28/2007 5:11:07 PM | Well, some things you *don't* want to hear from strangers...I was riding my bicycle downtown and a guy hollered at me. I actually stopped to catch what he was trying to say. Pretty gross, but think of dog sniffing. So DUH!
If you are cute, if you catch her eye, and smile and she does so back, say hi.
If you ask an utter stranger what she does for fun, it's very a good chance she'll know you're not from around here, and that means passing through, and that means looking for a quick/cheap/easy pick up.
If you cannot find words or behavior that convey something OTHER than that, then by all means, that is what *I'd* be thinking! If you don't look like a guy I'd take home to meet mom or dad--or my friends--then why would I want to risk being insulted? | |
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