| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 10:18:45 AM | I like to be up front and honest with guys. I lay down the rules before we even go out on a date.
#1. I don't kiss on the first date, not even a peck on the lips. NO!
#2.Not only do I not have sex on a first date,I'm not gonna have sex with you at all unless we're at least exclusive and in a monogomous relationship.
I don't want to waste my time or his so I explain this to potential dates in detail before a date is even arranged.
Empty sex just doesn't feel good, not to mention the feelings of emptiness after the fact.That is actually the worst part of sex with someone I don't care about.
It's like kissing and sex are the new handshake at the end of a date.("thank you have a good night. Here let me give you a tongue kiss and a f uck goodnight!")lol WOW!
My question is am I being too abrassive in HOW and When I'm getting this point across to men?I don't feel that it's right to not let men know this up front and I make it a point to stress this a thourghly as possible to the point where some people I know say that I'm too abrassive. I have to admit, yes I DO try and beat it into their heads before hand but again,that way nobody's time gets wasted. Do I need a different approach? | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 10:23:36 AM | Personally it appears to me that you are being as honest as anyone can be. At least you let a man know in advcance not to assume anything will happen the first night.....some people like to lead others on.....are you are simply doing is letting any potential dates know not to even make plans on trying to get you in that way, that fast....... | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 10:34:18 AM |
I have to admit, yes I DO try and beat it into their heads before hand but again,that way nobody's time gets wasted. Do I need a different approach?
Personally, I would appreciate a woman telling me something like that and having that "beat" into my head right off the hop. It means I wouldn't have to waste time or money on someone who probably has a thousand OTHER little rules or preferences that I would HAVE to adhere to. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 10:41:54 AM | I heard you the first time. Going on about it would be a bit insulting to my intelligence.
So yeah, you are probably a bit abrasive about it. It might even backfire. What I mean by that is you going on and on about it might suggest to a guy you have gone down that road too many times already so you are in fact susceptible to persuasion. Hence an incentive to take a shot. Just a thought. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 10:53:32 AM |
My question is am I being too abrassive in HOW and When I'm getting this point across to men
It does sound like you are going a little overboard with your declarations. It's thoguhtful, obviously, to want to spare everyone wasted time, but tone it down a little. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 10:59:38 AM | I tend to agree with not wanting to get involved with someone who has such a "rule" mentality. Those people tend to have very black and white perspectives on things, and, they seem to lack the ability to actually feel their way through knowing what is wrong and right for them. I like instinctual people who do things because they come natural or, just make sense, rather than people who only follow through on an idea because they made a rule - and by all means necessary, they must stick with that rule no matter the circumstances.
Anyway - it sounds like your emphais, and re-emphasis, on your rules is a bit overkill. You can put your rule out there and be up front about it, that's a good idea. But, you don't need to keep repeating it. If it didn't sink in for the guy, then, it will when you actually follow through with your rules come date-time. It's fine to have a set of moral codes to live by, but then you live by them, . . . don't shove them down others' throats. And, maybe that's the route that you should take - instead of making a list of rules and rattling them off for your suitors . . you can state your rule, but, thereafter, through your communication with the guy(s), you should be able to illustrate what your moral code is by way of talking about experiences, interests, goals, family . . or anything else that holds meaning in your life and makes you who you are. I think the bottom line is that you would like to be respected, and you can gain that respect by living your rules, not beating them into someone's head.
Good luck to you. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 11:16:45 AM | ^^^^^^^^^ I must say I tend to agree with this poster here. Its one thing to feel strongly about not having sex or even any type of initmacy on the first date. But to set everything so strongly in stone. You leave no room for
instinctual people who do things because they come natural or, just make sense, rather than people who only follow through on an idea because they made a rule - and by all means necessary, they must stick with that rule no matter the circumstances.
I for one don't care to have sex on a first or second date. But to say I wouldn't? No way! Sometimes you have to leave somethings up to chemistry and what just may come natural at the time.
But at the same time, if you feel so strongly that you have to live by a set of rules, than by all means do. But to beat it in their head is definitely over kill. I would think by just being up front with them on your feeling about this is enough. And if they still want to meet you... Great! | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 11:16:56 AM | I can agree with not allowing sex on the first date, but believe it or not, not all of us want that. But what happens if the first date goes so spectucularly well that you'd like to show him how much you enjoyed being with him?
There's nothing wrong with a kiss. If the guy likes you, it's a respectable way to show he's not wasting his time liking you that way. Most of the women I have dated have showed me while we were kissing that that's all I was getting. That's fine, all I want from a first date is potential. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 11:49:05 AM | In the beginning when I first starting dating I wasn't as adamant about getting this point across. I would just let a guy know by telling him once about my dating rule but what always end up happening is by date 2 or 3, the guy is begging and pleading about wanting to get intimate; as if I didn't already tell him in the beginning that it ain't going to happen. This happens almost 100% of the time.They act as though I didn't aready tell them this and they actually act surprised. In other words , by my experience, letting a guy know once isn't working.
Is this to just a matter of a man being a man? Hardheadedness on his part maybe?
It's the same scenerio over and over again. Having to explain myself all over again by date 2 or 3. If they'd listened once the first time then I wouldn't have to explain myself again. It's very tiresome. | |
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Fran47
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Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 10 | |
| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 11:58:01 AM | ^^^^^^^ Cheygirl6 Let me ask you a question? Have you ever dated anyone that you wanted to change your own rule? Or felt a strong desire to be intimate with one of the guys you met by the second or even third date? Perhaps if you came across the right guy you may change your mind. This is just a thought | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 12:17:26 PM | I don't know. If they say hello, and you say no sex until date 15, then think you're being abrasive. I'd wait until it comes up, then say it. If he's begging you for sex on the 2nd date, he sounds kind of pathetic; you should dump him, then call me.  | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 12:31:32 PM | | Well Chey - - many many many women "say" one thing and "do" another. So, it could be that it is just men knowing that some women don't really mean what they say, and are willing to "change their minds," if the right buttons are pushed. So, are your actions backing up your rules? Or, is your behavior leading them on? | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 12:31:36 PM | Why not just make a rule and tell the guys you WILL NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL... what... DATE 23! Then if they mention sex before that kick him to the curb. Done. Why get goofy about it. Hey, make a rule that says if he even utters the word sex for the first year, you kick him to the curb.
Seems you are making this way too complicated. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 1:12:24 PM | Re: Fran47
"Have you ever dated anyone that you wanted to change your own rule? Or felt a strong desire to be intimate with one of the guys you met by the second or even third date? Perhaps if you came across the right guy you may change your mind. This is just a thought "
Actually yes but unfortunately this was BEFORE I set this rule.lol
I dated this guy for about 2 months before getting intimate with him. A week later he came to me telling me that I should start dating other people because he decided to commit to another woman he had been dating. We both knew that the other was dating other people at the time. Dating does not equate commitment. He had a right to call it off with me if he found someone he liked better. Thats what the dating process is for. But at the same time since I know this, I now know to cover my a ss by not jumping into bed with someone unless he'd already made a commitment to me.And that is what typically happens with women. If we already like a guy add sex to the mix and then we really get sprung! Even though I didn't have sex with him right away, I still ended up getting hurt. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 2:00:41 PM | Yes, it is a classic tease, stating you will not have sex anytime soon, no way, no how, and yet, as so often that turns out not to be the case with women, just on general principles we discount or ignore such statements, or at least, take them with a big pinch of salt. We also figure, she's "testing us" or our anger management skills.
Perhaps you could bring along a notarized affidavit of such a declaration. By showing you've put some thought and effort into it, we no longer get the impression you're just being a big tease or whimsical.
msg 12 > Well Chey - - many many many women "say" one thing and "do" another. So, it could be that it is just men knowing that some women don't really mean what they say, and are willing to "change their minds," if the right buttons are pushed. So, are your actions backing up your rules? Or, is your behavior leading them on?
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 2:16:08 PM | I think men are smarter than you are giving them credit for. I don't think you need to pound it into their haed and keep reiterating the fact.
I learned this really great word when I was like 2 and it worls really great on a date and I don't want to have sex or kiss him. It's no. Once I say that, everything usually just falls into place.
However, I don't set rules up for dates either. I am really bad about breaking rules. I just go out with an open mind, come home (almost always alone) and do it all over again the next time. I find that I have a lot better of a time if I am just me and open and honest. If the sex subject comes up or kissing, I just say what I am feeling at that time. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 2:25:31 PM | | Nothing wrong w/your being candid and forthright by informing potential dates that you've established dating ethics. It all depends on how you deliver this caveat that may be abrasive. If you say, "Please respect my..." and they don't, you might want to remind them in a tactful manner or 'send them to the curb', depending on what they may have attempted to 'fly under your radar'. | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 2:54:02 PM | | Most women say one thing and do another, so you can't blame the guys for not taking your statement at face value. Frankly, women who put up that kind of wall are a red flag to me. From my experience they sleep around and say it to save face. It's usually, "I slept with the entire football team, then did the whole frat house last week, but I'm not like that anymore, so now YOU have to wait." The only guys who make it past their defenses are players, then they claim to wonder why they get "played' and "all men seem like dogs." | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 2:57:12 PM | With so many rules in life, you now want it carved in stone that no matter what happens, you will not give into your feelings or passion. Niiiiiiice... How did you get out of the last room whose floor you painted?
Darlin' you don't have to beat a man over the head with this crap. While it wouldn't matter to me a bit to wait a few dates to see where things were going, I would be irritated to be told this like a child being warned that stealing a cookie would result in my going to bed with no 'supper'.
I agree its not a bad idea to withhold the physical for a few dates to put the players off a bit, but it can be done a tad bit more discreetly than an announcement in the middle of the coffeeshop during the first ten minutes of your first meet...
Any man that gives you any grief over waiting a few dates is firing flares that he isn't planning to stick around for too long after IMO...
Being honest is one thing, and if the guy askes when he will be allowed to hit it, then by all means launch your 'rules and regs'. Until he asks, give up talking the talk and simply walk the walk, so to speak...
OMO
Chaz | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 3:12:21 PM | | gosh, WHO on Earth come up with the rules in human relations? How can I pre-program myself " I do not kiss on first date" id you meet someone and chemistry will just blow your head off? Why to suppress? So that you will go on three dates? And all this time you both want it but the rules say -NO? :))) Am I the only one who experienced all this? I am conventional conservative girl, BUT. With my biggest involvement and passion of my love I was making out in the car like mad on the first date and just could not help it. We had fantasic sex next date and kept going on and on andon... Unless the guy has hang up with the notion - good girls do not kiss on first date, I do not see the problem! However, the magic has to be there and you just have no time or energy to analyze of what is happening. I know the connection like that is very RARE and yes...we do not kiss or go any further with people we are just not sure...There you go. Do I make sense? | |
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| I inform every potential date that sex will not happen anytime soon..
Posted: 5/5/2007 3:27:13 PM | My question is am I being too abrassive in HOW and When I'm getting this point across to men?I don't feel that it's right to not let men know this up front and I make it a point to stress this a thourghly as possible to the point where some people I know say that I'm too abrassive. I have to admit, yes I DO try and beat it into their heads before hand but again,that way nobody's time gets wasted. Do I need a different approach?
Why do you feel you have to declare this ahead of time? Even not expecting sex from a date I'd find your need to inform me to be at the very least insulting. If you don't want to kiss on the first date, just don't. There's no need to sabotage the entire date by listing rules.
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