| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 11:53:27 AM | i was just curious why a guy would spend over a year liking a girl who lives 150+ miles away, visit her lots and its expensive to travel and he cant drive, but never spends any real time alone with her during the whole "seeing eachother" relationship.
he let things happen and he touched her and she touched him back.
and he'd talk to her dirty, like he desired her.
and he'd be naughty on webcam with her and they swap sexually indecent photos and he'd send her a video of him being intimate with himself, over her.
and when after a year and a bit, shes like well we both like eachother, lets be together, get a hotel whatever. and you know.
hes like. no.
i cant. you're too far away..ill be upset because ill never get to see you. i think it would make things weird. i just want to be friends. but i still want to see you.
and she is left feelings emotionally and physically rejected.
is there something wrong with her?
or is there something psychologically/physically wrong with him?
just curious | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 12:03:27 PM | Dear oh dear. Psychologically damaged. Why on earth would you spend a year wasting your time! It wasn't my ex boyfriend was it?? He is talking a load of shite if you ask me sweetheart.  | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 2:11:20 PM | Yeah, he's young. I know they didnt have sex, but he was just getting off on the pics and fantasy of it. I think she should find someone a bit closer to home. Plenty of fish in the sea!  | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 2:36:28 PM | | Well judging on where the other guy was and seeing as he was my age which is 21 then yes the part about being to far away is true, since I see your only 19 and he was 21 unless one of you or both of you have rich parents and come from a rich family, yea...chances of meeting are slim, I had a long distance relationship once me in michigan her in australia and it went well for awhile but all long distance dose is leave you lonely and horny and wanting one another. Needless to say we broke up and are still good friends. But for you two or the whole distance thing in general it rarely goes over well. I myself decided it was about time to start looking more localy cause poor people like me can't afford to go state to state or country to country XD | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 2:42:16 PM | There's nothing wrong with keeping your emotional distance so you don't get attached to something unrealistic.
Geographic undesirability is real. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 3:02:43 PM | | Uh see this is why you never get into long distance relationships like this. Its just too much work for not enough pay out. There is something about being there within feet of the other person and talking thats just much more satisfying than IMing or talking on the phone. Plus you can touch each other or kiss her or hold her hand or whatever. *shrug* Its not worth it if you ask me. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 3:40:11 PM | just in the end, if he really meant it..and it was just "Geographic undesirability" then he just saved himself from hurt.
he didnt save her. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/6/2007 4:35:17 PM | | Like u've made half the posts here up till now, and I'm still not following your logic or that of your 'friend'. I sense that u're deliberately not being as clear as needed for anyone else to give sound advice.How the "h-e-double-hockey-sticks" can we know who's "physically wrong" ...or the more psychologically screwed up over what is a greater distance to span than many a foolish heart may want. The guy isn't playing you (or your 'friend') and maybe the wiser for not caring to be seduced by the offer. You're a part of an experiment going bad after a year. Call it a lesson in life ...as we're all coming to learn for on-line personals sites and move on. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/7/2007 3:25:02 AM | | Play on if that's what you care to do. After awhile, you might come to realize and accept that the distance is not worth your time and effort ...or that the guy who's been closing it for the last year does likewise for the expense. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/7/2007 12:42:45 PM | He's not committed.
If you were 30 minutes away by car, he'd be like "Can I come over?"
If that went OK for a few months, then he'd be like "Can we go steady?"
But this is something else.
Sounds like a lot of work. Maybe he expected a lot more for his journey?
But probably, he's saying that since the two of them have known each other for a year and you haven't had sex, he's got expectations that he doesn't think she can fulfil.
I have to be honest. This guy liked the fantasy, but he's unsure of the reality.
She really needs to email him, saying stuff like: "Look. I know it's far away, but why not the hotel, don't you fancy me?"
It may just be that he wants a relationship with this girl, and he's found that the travelling was killing him. For him, it would take him relocating to her, or her moving to his town, or him and her living together.
He may feel like that is a lot of pressure.
Let him off the hook. She needs to tell him that she understands that it would be hard to make that kind of adjustment. But that nothing worth having is without a bit of risk. If he is unwilling to even consider the options, then he is going to miss out on the best that life has to offer.
She can talk to him about the consequences of having a relationship with her. What's involved, what she expects, what he expects, what problems may result. How one or both of them being separated from their family, friends and home town might affect them. I'm sure it is a bigger deal to him than he thinks, or that she is seriously underestimating the problems involved.
One way or the other, communication is the key.
Get them talking, and as they are already friends, both can have the intent to find whatever makes each other happy. If both of them are willing to put in the time and effort to find a solution, no problem is insurmountable.
It does not mean that problem will end in the same result, or even the expected result. But it does mean you'll both get the best answer for each other in the end.
Don't give up on each other, don't compromise on a big issue and be open and keep talking. That's my recommendation to the two of them.
I never met a solution that couldn't be resolved by talking as long as it takes between two friends, and I never met a situation where communication broke down where the problem went away.
So TALK, TALK, TALK! | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/8/2007 10:15:32 AM | He told her that he just can't handle the distance..and he doesn't want anything serious. And it would be totally different if she lived close. I find myself unconvinced?
What she doesn't understand is..if he doesn't fancy her you know, totally..why travel 150+ miles and spend almost £50 each time, and even more on the activities..if he doesn't like her. That's what I don't understand.
Why not "use", "play along" with someone else he only half fancies but a whole lot closer to home, cheaper and less time consuming.
and if he does want her, why doesn't he just have her?
she played hard to get for so long even though she knew from the very beginning she loved him and then when she felt like she was ready to be with him he rejected her.
Also how long he lead her on for..if he always saw them going no where..why continue it anyway with all the time and money issues.
He said it was hard for him because he wanted to be with her and see her, but most of the time all he could see was a text message from her.
Maybe the fact he still lives at home with his parents and is a heavy marijuana user plays some part?
She's just totally heart broken about it. She loves him so much and is finding it so differcult to remain talking and being friends and seeing him.
It's not like he hasn't been affectionate, just not all the way.
She can't get over the how much he'd stare at her when they were together..like he loved her. She told me she could never look at a person the way he did, if she didn't mean it. So why would he.
He also said he loved her a few times, and all the pictures were'nt indecent..alot of them romantic and making her signs (writing messages on paper and taking a photo of himself with them). But she said that stopped months ago, yet he'd still hold her hand tight when they're together and last time he bought her roses.
She loves him so much she wanted to suggest moving to where he lives.
But it's weird..they never met up in his town, he didn't tell his parents who she was, even though she called on their house phone sometimes..and he didn't tell any of his friends either.
She was kept a total secret. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/8/2007 12:45:12 PM |
He told her that he just can't handle the distance..and he doesn't want anything serious. And it would be totally different if she lived close. I find myself unconvinced?
Maybe he doesn't want to settle for someone so expensively far away and doesn't get to see very often. Maybe he gave it a shot, couldn't handle it, and cut it off.
Why not "use", "play along" with someone else he only half fancies but a whole lot closer to home, cheaper and less time consuming.
Why not try to accept the same thing locally? You call it using and playing along, when it all boils down to "not worth it." One way or another. I know it sounds harsh, but if she was worth the trouble, he'd still be talking to her. That's how it works when it comes to dating!
she played hard to get for so long even though she knew from the very beginning she loved him and then when she felt like she was ready to be with him he rejected her.
 Bad girl! No! No hard to get. Why should this guy WASTE his time and money on someone who won't return interest? That ship has sailed, and she didn't jump on board when it was docked. Screw her! Now do you see why hard to get is a stupid stupid thing?
But it's weird..they never met up in his town, he didn't tell his parents who she was, even though she called on their house phone sometimes..and he didn't tell any of his friends either.
Did she offer?
Plus, I don't tell my family or friends who I'm having a failed attempted relationship with.
Sounds to me like she wasn't pulling her weight, AND not appreciating what he went though. Just having feelings for someone is not enough. There has to be a two way effort. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/8/2007 12:45:53 PM | Well, well...this is very interesting! Usually, a guy will do you no matter what, especially when it's long distance and he knows he can walk away free. I'm thinking this guy is really sweet on you! Yay! :)
There are a few aspects of this that I don't get, but being that love is a mystery, that's cool. I really have no advice other than to ask you to try to be more patient. He'll work this out one way or another. However, being as your emotional sanity is at stake, tell him that you don't get intimate with your friends...he'll have to keep his hands to himself. And mean it, cause if you don't create clarity for yourself and gain control of your half of the relationship, this situation will likely continue "as is" indefinetly.
She can't get over the how much he'd stare at her when they were together..like he loved her. She told me she could never look at a person the way he did, if she didn't mean it. So why would he.
That's seriously funked up thinking. Just because you wouldn't doesn't mean someone else would or wouldn't. We're individuals. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/8/2007 1:14:13 PM | I think there's something wrong with him. That's really really wacked... not the whole 'online sex' thing (that's not incredibly weird or uncommon considering LD).... but it's the online sex thing in combo with him not wanting to get it on in person.
If he won't do it in person because he claims he'll be upset to never get to see her again, make it weird, etc.. then what the hell is he doing jerking off to a webcam and seeing naked photos of her? That's not weird? lol
There's underlying problems with him. If it's you or your friend involved in this, I just gotta say -- don't get involved with guys LD with any hopes of a relationship. And if you want a 'funcked buddy', keep it simple with a guy LD until he sees ya. And if nothing happens when he sees ya, hit the eject button. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/16/2007 6:15:02 PM | He gave it a shot, it didn't work, he didn't want to lose a friend over it.
Seems pretty clear cut to me.
I tried a long distance relationship once. Instead of being a fulfilling companionship it was just emotionally draining and frustrating. Long distance is just not worth it. If they don't live close enough that I could feel comfortable driving that far at least once every week or two... well it just won't work out. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/16/2007 6:50:58 PM | now awaiting a guys opinion :p
I have no problem with distance, but it would have to be under the understanding that I am not moving anywhere. My education is my priority right now, so if a person can't handle that or the fact that we wouldn't see eachother more than once a month, then it just wouldn't work.
Anyway, listen. It's perfectly reasonable that he doesn't want to attempt a relationship with someone who's so far away. His reasons that he'd barely ever see you are valid. I'd take what he's saying for what it is. | |
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| Would long distance really hold you back?
Posted: 5/16/2007 8:50:27 PM | I thought you were talking thousands of miles, different countries etc.
150 miles is NOTHING. no reason you can't get together every weekend. Too far away. Oh yeah, you are in England, where like 20 miles is considered far. I drive 50 miles to the next town FOR DINNER, and then drive back. (good restraunts mind you)
And I don't think there is anything wrong with you. | |
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