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 dj181
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 1
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)Page 1 of 1    
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
****
A young man and a girl were on a date. He was getting hot and finally said, "Let's f***". She said, "Oh no. I never do that". So he said, "Well, how about a blow job". She said, "Oh no. I don't do that either". Finally he said," How about giving me a hand job." She said she didn't know how to do that. So he said, " You remember when you were a kid, you used to shake a soda bottle until the pressure built up and it squirted? Just do it like that." So she took hold of his c*** and began. Soon he was groaning and moaning. And suddenly began to scream.
She said, "What's the matter?"
He screamed, "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF THE END OF IT."
****
The Mother Superior is doing her rounds, checking that all is well before retiring. She goes into a dormitory and calls out, "Time for sleep. Candles out sisters." Her command is answered with a loud slurping noise.
******
A dying woman lay in her hospital bed masturbating to what she assumed would be her last orgasm. Weak from her illness she couldn't quite get herself off so she turned to her husband, who was standing watching, and asked him to finish her off. He pulled out his 45 revolver and blew her brains out.
******
A little girl asks her mother, "Why don't you pray the same way I do". The mother is confused and asks for clarification. "Well", says the girl, "I pray kneeling with my hands together but I saw you on your back rubbing your front bottom praying 'God, Jesus, Jesus, God, yes, give me just one more'.
******
When asked how she masturbated a girl answered, "I use my left hand and only ever rub the left side of my clitoris". "Why", responded her friend? The girl replied, "Because if I did it any differently I would feel a right c***".
******
Masturbation is a sure-fire way to have an orgasm. No chance of a c***-up.
******
Where can you get the best masturbation toys? - Clit 'R' Us.
******
Definition of masturbation - Poking fun at yourself.
******
Why did the girl masturbate with a mountaineer's ice pick - because she likes to 'climb axe'.
****
A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheese borough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
 McShorty
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 2
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 5/12/2007 12:22:04 AM
I like that last one, cute!
 SCT79
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 3
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 5/12/2007 2:44:26 AM
First one is hilarious
 Wild Artist
Joined: 5/10/2005
Msg: 4
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 5/12/2007 10:02:04 PM
Got to say the Second one is my Fav....LOL
 holby
Joined: 9/13/2007
Msg: 5
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 11/22/2007 1:27:57 PM
geezer in the pictures with hes bird turns to her and says the fellah in the next seat is wanking off take no notice see says i cant hes using my hand
 upengineerim
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 6
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 11/24/2007 2:05:10 AM

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


I thought it was to keep your hand from slipping off and punching yourself in the face.Cuts down on black eyes!
 PAULO25
Joined: 12/26/2006
Msg: 7
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 11/24/2007 3:26:19 PM
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
****
 xXAGirlXx
Joined: 11/2/2007
Msg: 8
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 11/26/2007 2:02:24 AM
There was a young man called "Perkins"
Who kept on jerk'n his 'gerkin'
His mother said "Perkins! Stop jerkn yer gerkin"
"yer gerkins for ferkin not jerk'n"
 davejp84
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 9
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History
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 11/26/2007 8:49:01 AM
Firstly: No offence meant to any irish people, this is said entirely in the context of a JOKE.

Reports claim an irish woman has been thrown off of the Hit TV Game Show Who wants to be a millionaire? for masturbating..

aparently she misunderstood the concept of fastest finger first!!

 Fun FL girl
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 10
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 12/3/2007 9:21:39 AM
I loved the first one!!! LMAO!!! thanks for the laugh!
 Nergal
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 11
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 12/3/2007 11:58:25 AM
Brilliant .....
 Bfriends4now
Joined: 10/20/2007
Msg: 12
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/16/2011 1:57:14 PM
What is the difference between cake and a cucumber? You can have your cuke and eat it too!!!!!

In the garden of Eden fumed Eve
Again satisfaction failed to achieve
But while Adam did slumber
She swapped an apple for cucumber
And at last her poor self did relieve

 Dittohead_213
Joined: 10/11/2010
Msg: 13
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/18/2011 4:15:30 PM
The trick is to sit on your hand till it falls asleep before you masterbate or rub one out, pull one off, chock the bishop, shave the carrot, pull your pud, ya' know.
 Mallory1985
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 14
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/18/2011 5:45:53 PM
the first two and the last one were soooo funny!!!!????
 Nea
Joined: 7/21/2007
Msg: 15
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/22/2011 7:53:01 PM
the mother superior joke made me crack up lol
 nmdiogenes
Joined: 10/6/2010
Msg: 16
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/23/2011 2:21:49 AM
A recent scientific study has shown that 85% of all sexually active people masturbate in the shower whereas the other 15% sing. Do you know what song it is they're singing?








I didn't think so.
 nom1sb
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 17
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/24/2011 5:10:49 AM
WKD LIKE THAT ONE
 beenambedie
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 18
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/27/2011 3:53:05 PM
Do you know why Helen Keller masterbated with only one hand.






She used the other one to moan.
 StillaCollectable
Joined: 8/31/2011
Msg: 19
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:27:31 AM
My neighbour knocked on my door & asked if i knew anything about missing items from her clothes line.. geez, i nearly shit her panties.. :-)
 Lysander*
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 20
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 12/2/2011 10:29:01 AM
A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

Doctor: "You have to stop masturbating."
Man: "But why, doc?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."
 readytogetgoing
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 21
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 1/13/2012 2:45:06 PM
DO YOU KNOW THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF A PENIS ? THE WRINKLES
 notsotough
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 22
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 1/17/2012 2:36:32 PM
A man came home from the Army to see his wife. In bed that night he told her he wanted to show her something he'd learned to do in the Army. He pulled off his pants, looked at his penis and said, "Attention!!" Immediately his penis developed a full boner. Then he said, "At ease!" and immediately his penis went back to a normal state.
His wife was most impressed and asked him to do it again, so he addressed his penis again, "Attention!!" but there was no response.
"ATTENTION!!" he roared, but again no response. Then he began to furiously masturbate.
"Honey!" said his wife, "You don't have to do that."
"Oh yes I do." he replied. "It disobeyed a lawful order and must be dishonorably discharged!"
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 23
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masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 6/10/2012 4:40:19 AM
I guess one of the advantages of masturbation is you don't have to drive your arm home at 4 o'clock in the morning!
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 24
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 6/10/2012 8:41:31 AM
Two elderly ladies, Gertrude and Ethel, are at the movies. Midway through the flick Ethel leans over and whispers to Gertrude, "The man next to me is masturbating!" Gertrude says, "Oh, big deal! He's not hurting anybody; just ignore him." Ethel hisses, "I can't! He's using MY hand!!"
 mrob987
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 25
masturbation jokes (do NOT read if easily offended)
Posted: 8/12/2012 9:11:10 PM
Haha I like the second one in the op.

Bob was going through a bit of a dry spell when his friend, John, asked him, "Hey, have you been with anyone lately?"
"Yes," he replied, "I have been seeing a married woman for the past few months."
"What is her name?"
"Mary"
"A married woman named Mary, huh?" says John, "I don't believe you. Are you sure that isn't what you are calling your hand these days?"
"I divorced my hand," says Bob, "It was beating me too much."
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