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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 1 | |
| | How to make friends and possible get a GF?Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | I realize that there thousands of threads on this subject, and that in itself can become boring to many of you. However, I see each one unique in it's own way because no two people's problem are truly the same. So, at the risk of being ridiculed, bashed upon, ignored, and the possiblity of this being deleted altogether. I see that I have little choice but to ask:
When I moved to my present location 5 years ago I knew no one. The first year here my only focus was getting settled in and confortable with my new surroundings and employment. Over the next couple of years I began to focus on broadening my social life. Sadly, I must say despite my best efforts and trying a great number of things from the Internet to social clubs, I've not made one friend. If you can think of it I've tried it... I've had the same success rate with trying to make a friend as I have with trying to get a date... I can't explain it to myself in a logical manner. I just can't bring myself to believe that I could be that unattractive... I'm not ugly, I'm not overweight, I'm not bald, I don't have a hairy back, etc,. In fact I have a great many attributes I hear women speak of that they look for in a Man. I'm tall, I have nice eyes, I'm in good health, have a good sense of humor, a nice rich sounding voice, etc,.
So, yea I really don't understand this problem on both accounts and as I have demostrated I have no friend in which to turn and ask that very question. So, at last I have only strangers like yourselves to propose the question and accept the brutal reality of wise advice. | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 2 | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 11:01:27 AM | Aww..patience grasshopper! 
Well I live in central west coast Florida, and we have a weekend section in the St. Pete Times that has all sorts of activities, festivals, art shows, car shows, parades, concerts listed every Thursday. There's certainly some activities you could attend and maybe even participate in. I have a friend who volunteers for a drink booth at the Clearwater Jazz Festival and she has the time of her life. Do you go to the library, I know many of the reference librarians at our local library just by talking with them and getting their help. Don't know if you have any religious beliefs but you could certainly start visitng some congregations and find one you're comfortable with. Pick a charitable organization and go volunteer, goodness knows they could always use a hand.
That's all I can think of now, but should be a start.  | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 11:13:03 AM | Hmm, tough break man. I too am a single white dude in a new area. Been here in NC for about 7 months now. Had a similar experience trying to make new friends. And to possibly find a nice southern gal.
Anyhow, I met many people and I'm pretty sure you also met many people. But perhaps it stopped there. As I see society, individual people tend not to be open to new things. People seem slow to change, and thats why I think you meet some people and they never seem to bridge the gap between acquaintance and friend. The same could be said for guy and girl relations.
It also seems nowadays that friendships are formed out of necessity rather than trust. IE: your neighbor is your friend because she can come get coffee from you. etc.
So what do you do? keep trying. There are people that want to make new friends out there. Probably new to the area like yourself. Don't turn the opinion on yourself thinking something is wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. And when you meet people pace yourself, there's no need to explain your life story in just one sitting. People are kinda like Onions, they have many layers. Often you don't see their inner layers till way down the road.
Sorry for the scatterbrain response, back to caffination.
cheers | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 6 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 11:46:02 AM | I truly appreciate each one of you and your assistance on this matter.
bucsgirl
activities, festivals, art shows, car shows, parades, concerts ~ There's certainly some activities you could attend and maybe even participate in. ~ Don't know if you have any religious beliefs but you could certainly start visitng some congregations and find one you're comfortable with. Pick a charitable organization and go volunteer
I'll trust you somehow over looked my comment in my orginial post where I said:
"If you can think of it I've tried it..."
I was trying to say that I've done it all without having to writing a long exstensive list of each thing...Once upon a time I did believe it was the simple fact I just needed to keep trying but after 4 years? One has to question if perhaps the fault lay somewhere else?
shanmardev
What about your job? See if any of the guys want to have a beer after work.
Tried that too... I get along with everyone at work but no one invites me to their afterwork activities. I've even been the one who has extend an invitation to them only to be repeatedly turned down... But I do understand why, most just want to get home to their wives and kids.
firstbase trip
people tend not to be open to new things. People seem slow to change, and thats why I think you meet some people and they never seem to bridge the gap between acquaintance and friend. The same could be said for guy and girl relations.
Yea, it's weird? I can go out to a nightclub and do everything to socialize and be ignored as much as I am on a dating site. At best I might get to see a game on the tube at the bar and have a little conversation with whom ever is tending that bar. Other than that I can count on having a boring night. It's got so bad that I quit going out altogether I mean what's the point? I can set at home and see a game and also not be spoken to. I sometimes wonder why I even have a phone? You, know things have become really bad whe you look forward to when a tellmarketer calls and their hanging up on you...
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rune3
| | Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 11:57:42 AM | True friends are rare things. What most people have is a circle of acquaintances who may or may not be called 'friends', but with whom they socialise. Often this is kind of a mutual convenience rather than a true friendship.
There are a couple of questions you might ask yourself. Regarding this:
I just can't bring myself to believe that I could be that unattractive... I'm not ugly, I'm not overweight, I'm not bald, I don't have a hairy back, etc,. In fact I have a great many attributes I hear women speak of that they look for in a Man. I'm tall, I have nice eyes, I'm in good health, have a good sense of humor, a nice rich sounding voice, etc,. You're evaluating yourself and your own qualities as a friend or date by some very superficial means there -- do you look at other people with similar standards in mind and unconsciously reject them or choose not to speak to them based on such factors?
Over the next couple of years I began to focus on broadening my social life. Sadly, I must say despite my best efforts and trying a great number of things from the Internet to social clubs, I've not made one friend. If you can think of it I've tried it... This may sound corny but have you tried being a friend? Being friendly to people with no agenda, being friendly not because you want something back (their friendship or company or anything) but just because it's a good way to be?
You're sounding like you are in the "I want this in my life" mode, and that doesn't really work when your demands are being applied to other people... strangers at that. If you want friend or romantic relationships, you start by relating to the people around you, by caring enough to get to know them as people, not just looking for something to fill your lonely hours.
In the UK there are befriending schemes whereby you go and visit a lonely old person once a week or once a fortnight just to chat and keep them company. A captive audience!! You might consider this as an option that could enrich your life and that of someone who needs a friend even more badly than you do. | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 12:24:04 PM | i think making friends becomes tough when you're out of college and just aren't around people that are your age, see regularly and have things in common with. i'm in a similar situation. with me, the guys at work know i don't drink so they don't ask me to do anything and they rarely go out anyways. its just a fact of life that when you get older, your circle of REAL friends gets smaller and smaller. its just part of our life experiences much like getting old is. yeah, some people will naturally be drawn to and find themselves in situations where they meet like minded people while others simply don't. the reason for this is that our individual lives materialize and change at different rates. we all can't get married at the same time or have the same experiences so even if you meet someone your age, they might be married so they really can't go out with you and be your "wingman"..or you could still meet someone your age who's also single but you might not have common interests. its hard to find good matches, both for friends and for partners. also, with me, it doesn't help if the activities i'm drawn to naturally don't have anyone my age there so i really can't make friends. having said that, i have made some friends with people outside of my age range but again, they can't hang out with me because they have families...but they have helped me out a lot.
also hopefully the women on these sites won't judge you for this..after all, they have an extensive history in the city you're in, so naturally they'll know more people...but with women, you never know, 
well anyways since you claim to have tried "everything" i won't tell anything else..these were just my thoughts and experiences. | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 1:00:11 PM | So, yea I really don't understand this problem on both accounts and as I have demostrated I have no friend in which to turn and ask that very question. So, at last I have only strangers like yourselves to propose the question and accept the brutal reality of wise advice.
From what you said I have to assume that there is something about your personality that is causing people to avoid you. It's hard to tell what the problem is from what you wrote, but it could be that you come across as too desperate or needy. Perhaps you don't come across as generous or friendly. Or maybe the problem is that you look down on other people and consider yourself better than them.
Here's my suggestion. When you meet someone you think might be a possible friend, ask them to do something very casual like have a cup of coffee with you. Take things slow and don't be pushy. Don't get upset if they reject you; just move on to the next person. Sometimes making just one friend will open other doors and introduce you to lots of other people.
Good luck to you. | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 10 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 1:17:37 PM |
rune3
You're evaluating yourself and your own qualities as a friend or date by some very superficial means there -- do you look at other people with similar standards in mind and unconsciously reject them or choose not to speak to them based on such factors?
Actually, I was just using those as some examples that I've seen writen and heard women say. No, I don't use those to measure a persons worth... However, I'm honest enough to say what others won't dare admit. We as human beings do judge despite our best intentions. I do believe guys are far less judgmental about one another than women. But when it comes to a guy passing judgement on a woman we are far worse, than a woman would be on a guy.
This may sound corny but have you tried being a friend? Being friendly to people with no agenda, being friendly not because you want something back (their friendship or company or anything) but just because it's a good way to be?
That's not corny at all... Yes, that has always been my best intentions. I guess I'm mistaken but I thought I already tried to express that fact. My point was why would people that your being friendly with choose not to be receptive of me. Am I to believe they already have so many friends that they have no need for a new one?
You're sounding like you are in the "I want this in my life" mode, and that doesn't really work when your demands are being applied to other people... strangers at that. If you want friend or romantic relationships, you start by relating to the people around you, by caring enough to get to know them as people
I agree totally with you but my point was I'm trying to be the one that's relating and no one is being receptive. It can't be because I'm not friendly, that's just not so. The issue has to be something else... It's that SOMETHING else that I'm asking of you all?
In the UK there are befriending schemes whereby you go and visit a lonely old person once a week or once a fortnight just to chat and keep them company. A captive audience!! You might consider this as an option that could enrich your life and that of someone who needs a friend even more badly than you do.
That sounds like a wonderful program you've got there, on your side of the pond. I'm sure they have something like that over here too but I'll bet you'd be hard pressed to find any young American on the list. Trust me I do talk to the elderly when most others won't.
race master
also hopefully the women on these sites won't judge you for this..after all, they have an extensive history in the city you're in, so naturally they'll know more people...but with women, you never know
That's one fear I need not worry, they long ago did that! There isn't a one of them that will reply to a message and they have the nerve to judge me?
well anyways since you claim to have tried "everything" i won't tell anything else..these were just my thoughts and experiences.
I appreciate your candid honesty and your right about what you said. It's just a pitful shame that other people would behave in such a way. I've always been one to help a stranger or even defend one if necessary. | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 11 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 1:58:17 PM |
luvnlife2
From what you said I have to assume that there is something about your personality that is causing people to avoid you. It's hard to tell what the problem is from what you wrote, but it could be that you come across as too desperate or needy. Perhaps you don't come across as generous or friendly. Or maybe the problem is that you look down on other people and consider yourself better than them.
Yes, this is exactly what I'm trying to get at but I don't understand where the fault lays? Now I can say this but I realize there is no actual way for you to know that it is true, so for argument sake lets say I'm all that I say and judge from there... I have a good personality, always willing to help others, friendly, funny, fun to hangout with, well mannered, informed, etc.
Now how can someone who doesn't know me decide that I'm desperate or needy from a simple message of hello? Or let's go one step further let's say I'm in this nightclub setting alone at the bar where even the men won't strike up a conversation with me. Yes, I checked my forehead in the mirror and it didn't say "Steer clear". Furthermore, why would a woman not try to come stand near me in hopes that I might strike up a conversation with her, if she was too shy to say anything to me?
Sometimes making just one friend will open other doors and introduce you to lots of other people.
O' I agree most heartedly but in 4 years I haven't found one single person. As strange as this sounds, but it seems that your entire creditability rest in the eyes of others as to whether you have a friend and if not, then your viewed as unworthy of friendship. Rarely does one go out of their way to befriend you... I'm sure you can recall how your circle of friends changes with your relationships? When the relationship ends so does that circle of firends, if your lucky you might remain friends with one or two members of that old circle... | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 2:16:05 PM | What is your definition of friends?
Don't go out trying to find friends for the sake of making friends. When you go out, go out to enjoy life, and become very curious about it.
Written descriptions of attirbutes of what women look for are a dime a dozen. You have to be more in person. I am not talking about ego, or showing off, but presence.
I will let you figure out what presence is. | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 13 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 2:42:22 PM |
iamasiam
What is your definition of friends?
Well, it's not same definition that I used to have... I don't believe any of us have friends like we had when we were only 12... Some of us are lucky enough to still have those same childhood friends in our present lives. However, most of us do not and what we call friends in our present lives are only at best close aquitances... Then there are people who are in my situation where they have no aquitances which makes hitting the town for some night life a very lonely affair.
LOL, I'd have to say if I've been 4 years without a friend then life is all I've known...
O' I know what presence is! That's one of those things that can't be conveyed in profile or a picture... It exsist only in reality and one has to be in it's vicinity to see it's radiance... | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 2:57:14 PM |
for argument sake lets say I'm all that I say and judge from there... I have a good personality, always willing to help others, friendly, funny, fun to hangout with, well mannered, informed, etc.
If all of that is true then you should not have too much difficulty striking up conversations with people. Once you have a good conversation going you should be able to find some common interests that you can start building a friendship on.
There seems to be something missing in what you are telling us. Something that is causing people to avoid you. I wonder if you might have an unrealistic view of your personality? Are you negative in any way? Do you come across to people as a positive, happy person? Are you perhaps too serious and unable to make "small talk"? Maybe you don't have a good handle on popular culture, sports, TV, Movies. These are all things that people who are first getting to know each other can talk about.
Tell us about what happens when you try to strike up a conversation at a store, library, social group, ball game or at work. Are you able to get a conversation going or do people try to get away from you as quickly as possible? | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 3:03:45 PM | Yes, well neither do I go out and make friends like we used back in school. You know it is not just so simple as it used to be, have you ever tried and walked up to someone and said "Will you be my friend?". It just does not work like that these days.
Take a sit son and let me explain a few things. The aim is to make connections.
Have you have been in public somewhere when something strange or funny happened and you looked at some stranger who looked back at you with the same expression at the same time?
Relax, I neither have a constant base of constant friends who I constantly hang out with. In fact if I am not busy, I prefer to spend time on my own. But I can make friends anywhere I go. From low lifes to influencial people. It's good to have a mix.
O' I know what presence is! That's one of those things that can't be conveyed in profile or a picture... It exsist only in reality and one has to be in it's vicinity to see it's radiance...
So what is it then? | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 16 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 3:45:38 PM |
luvnlife2
There seems to be something missing in what you are telling us. Something that is causing people to avoid you.
O' I agree I just don't know what it is? I'm telling all I know and not holding anything back to do that would not be of any benifit to me... I want to know the truth I can't ever hope to fix it if I don't know what it is.
Do you come across to people as a positive, happy person?
Those people who have known me back in the day, have always told me so. Come to think of it, they would often say there is no way I could have done this or that, explaining they would have been to scared, embarassed, or shy... Maybe it's a cause and effect thing like the ying & yang? Perhaps for me to be at my peak I have to have friends and if I don't then I'm at my lowest... Like a fish out of water... Now, I wouldn't volunteer to go on a stage but if it had to be done, then I'd be the one to do it, a crowd doesn't frighten me.
I've always been able to get people to laugh but not in a clownish way but rather through witty humor. Small talk is something that comes easily to me it just seems it never moves beyond that...
Tell us about what happens when you try to strike up a conversation at a store, library, social group, ball game or at work. Are you able to get a conversation going or do people try to get away from you as quickly as possible?
I say "Hi" and it really depends upon the situation and where the location is? All I know is the more attractive they are the quicker they wish to get away, the less attractive they are the longer they stick around.... In which I fall victim to the same fate the more attractive person had with me... Don't know why there's not a happy median? I mean there should be people that I want to become friends with that also want to become firends with me... ( I know that sounds a bit judgmental and it is but we all guilty to one degree or another, on that point. I'm not saying be rude like the super attractive people do, I mean that you just give them a subtle hint that your not interested) | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 17 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/13/2007 4:16:58 PM |
iamasiam
Yes, well neither do I go out and make friends like we used back in school. You know it is not just so simple as it used to be, have you ever tried and walked up to someone and said "Will you be my friend?". It just does not work like that these days.
Ain't it the truth!
The aim is to make connections.
Exactly! But I don't know what the problem is and it would irresposible to not consider the fault being my own... I just don't see how in a personality way this is possible. Now if I'm being judged on my apperance and attractiveness, that's a whole another matter and one I'm not sure there's any real solution. Because that fault rest upon others preconceived idea that they don't want lose.
Have you have been in public somewhere when something strange or funny happened and you looked at some stranger who looked back at you with the same expression at the same time?
Sure I've had that happen, but those things come around so rarely. The one that pops out in my mind was a couple a years ago. I saw a very pretty girl dump a guy because he had been being a jerk... It was so funny watching him beg to be forgiven, that her girlfriends and their boyfriends where laughing at him and I couldn't help but get tickled myself. Despite the fact the girl was way to young for me I couldn't help to myself what an idiot this fella was. Here he had a really great looking girl that from all apperance and behavior seemed to be a sincere sweet woman and he had stupidly destroyed a relationship that any self respecting guy would have given his life for. It was all really funny watching him go through several different plays to try and win her affection back. He acted all full of himself at first and when he realized that wasn't working, he played the old I'll pretend to cry trick.... It was very pathetic 
The sad part was that same girl probable went out found another new guy over the next few months that was exactly like him. Why women like that can't learn from repeated experiences like that alludes my understanding (Well I do understand by that's another story).
So what is it then?
I don't want to say too much, we men must keep what little ammunition we have left to us so, the short answer: change and learning | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 1:43:34 PM |
All I know is the more attractive they are the quicker they wish to get away, the less attractive they are the longer they stick around.... In which I fall victim to the same fate the more attractive person had with me...
OK, I'm starting to see what the problem might be. You seem to be focused on making friends only with "attractive" people. Have you considered trying to make friends with some less "attractive" people? I suspect that you are rejecting people that you do not consider "attractive" enough. When it comes to making friends you need to be much more open to all kinds of people. Friendship is often based on common interests so you need to focus on people who are interested in the same things you are.
Your profile says you are a "motorcoach builder". Are there any co-workers you can make friends with? This might be a good place to start being less judgemental and rejecting with other people.
Small talk is something that comes easily to me it just seems it never moves beyond that...
Here is the next problem. Your conversational abilities seem to be limited. You are not able to engage the other person and get them to be interested in you. I suspect that you are having problems with listening to the other person and reacting appropriately to what they are saying. You may have problems with eye contact. You may also have trouble reading how the other person is reacting to what you are saying. Perhaps you monopolize the conversation and don't let the other person talk.
It is hard to diagnose your problem without meeting you in person. I advise you to seek out a therapist who can help you with your conversational skills because this does sound like a problem area for you.
I hope this helps. Good luck to you. | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:04:46 PM | | OP I don't know if people in your area plan POF parties or get togethers - but here in Ontario (Canada) we have parties and patio nights every week!!! I have made a multitude of friends and I even met my husband at one of our get togethers. Why don't you plan one and post it in your local forum to get things going?!?! | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:07:29 PM | luvnlife2, I doubt there is anything mentally problamtic with him. However I do agree with you in regard to making types of friends. He needs to just go out and meet different kinds of people regardless of outcome.
Back to the OP. Let go. Forget aiming to look for a gf, as in life these things happen when least expected. Unless you aim at setting goals of asking x number of girls each day out.
But instead focus on listening, and hearing what you listen too. This one thing will get you a lot of information on what to talk about and do.
Also STOP listening to social and cultural you musts and shoulds. You are old enough to decide what you need in life. | |
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| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:14:13 PM | Personally I would start at/from work....
ask someone if they fancy a beer....
I was in the same situation when I went to Ohio on my own... basically it brought me confidence by force.. and asked if any of the girls would go for a night out..
got knocked back a few times but kept on at it.. went on a blind date with one lady's son, and introduced to a friend of a friend... even went to the bar on my own...which is something I would never have done back home...
but it was either make a move or be stuck in an appartment on my own for the duration.
Good luck... Twilight_x | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 22 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:13:48 PM |
Don't know why there's not a happy median? I mean there should be people that I want to become friends with that also want to become firends with me...
I don't mean to be offensive but did you not notice you left the above part off of your quote? That's an important part and its removal reduces the entire statement to something that looks shallow and very inaccurate.
luvnlife2
You seem to be focused on making friends only with "attractive" people.
I wasn't saying that at all, as you can see, I was speaking of equality...
Your profile says you are a "motorcoach builder". Are there any co-workers you can make friends with?
My apologies, but I've already covered that in previous post and the answer was yes I've tried to no avail.
Here is the next problem. Your conversational abilities seem to be limited. You are not able to engage the other person and get them to be interested in you. I suspect that you are having problems with listening to the other person and reacting appropriately to what they are saying. You may have problems with eye contact. You may also have trouble reading how the other person is reacting to what you are saying. Perhaps you monopolize the conversation and don't let the other person talk.
Limited to what?
It is hard to diagnose your problem without meeting you in person.
Well, therein lies the problem? If you was setting right across from me then you'd be asking yourself the same question as I'm asking here and feeling just as mystified.
But I value your input and find all that you have said extremely insightful... | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 23 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:20:16 PM |
Leeanne
I don't know if people in your area plan POF parties or get togethers
Yes they do and I tried one once and it was awful! I wished I had never went and have tried to forget the whole experience... Thanks for reminding me of it 
J/K I know you meant no harm is suggesting that... | |
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WS6TA
| | Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 24 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:33:36 PM |
iamasiam
Forget aiming to look for a gf
Well, that is a goal but not an immediate one... I'm content to let that part run it's course but I do realise that my possibilities increase a hundred fold when you have friends... Without friends your options are greatly limited to meeting other people, your just that strange person that no one knows and has been secretly labeled by them as a person to avoid. | |
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LBP
| | Joined: 12/27/2006
Msg: 25 | |
| How to make friends and possible get a GF?
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:39:56 PM | Well if you are willing to try anything, why don't you try seeing a councellor for social disorders.
I haven't read all the posts but I get the gist you've tried quite a few things to no avail. I have social anxiety but not so severe that I can't make friends. It could just be that you have lived so long in your head that you don't know how to appropriately socialize with other people. If you've now built up anxiety towards it, it could make things worse.
Sometimes having someone who is unbiased and familiar with social disorders can really give you some useful tools to relating to other people. | |
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