| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 7:49:50 AM | I started my dating life last year, at which point I met my first, only, and current girlfriend. She's marriage material and a very good woman. It's almost been a year now. I care about her deeply, but I miss the dating life. I miss the feel of "new and exciting". I miss the unpredicatbility of a new relationship. The hot, passionate, lust-filled sex of a new relationship, where two people who have just met just want to rip each other's clothes off.
This is my first relationship and I am not sure what to do. My gf is the type of girl that I want to keep, but there is so much that I haven't done in life, and so much that I still need to get out of my system. This has been on my mind a bit more than I am comfortable with and I am afraid that at some point I will end up hurting my gf by breaking up.
I'm sure this is normal in the first relationship of anybody's dating life. Have you ever been through this? How old were you when you first broke the heart of someone you care about? | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:02:03 AM | | I was 19 going on 12, lol in the Military, met a beautiful woman we had a good relationship for about two years than I started feeling like yourself..I was always gone and there where just so many woman out there..I broke her heart...after that I said to myself no way I am doing that again and remained single until I was 32,,,when I knew it was out of my system...and started acting my age...the enviroment I was in was not a good one,,,just about every guy I knew at that time was cheating on their girlfriends... | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:04:44 AM | She asked me to move to Salt Lake with her.
I was 28; legend in my own mind, so caught up in my dream job, didn't see I was passing up
the life I was working for. I stayed true to her, thou didn't go. Long distance doesn't work.
Many women are attracted to large egos; but when you find the right one for you...
No do-overs. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:05:36 AM | You'll dump her..... then have a string of crappy gf's or f-buddies. You'll then figure out that after all that, you want someone just like your current gf and she'll be gone, moved on, and happy with someone else and you'll regret and think of her as the one that got away.
You won't just be hurting her, you'll also be hurting yourself in the short and long term....
Good luck with all of it, you'll need it since no one will be able to stop this path your thinking of but you. Knowledge will come with age and experience.  | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:07:22 AM | I had to break off with someone cause he couldnt accept that I WOULDNT settle down with him at the beginning of our relationship. ..
Marriage and commitment is too strong of words for a barely fresh start with someone in a relationship.. its rushing it too fast am I correct?
Who in their right mind would marry someone after just meeting them?..
I wouldnt.. .
I didnt want to break up with the guy but he was way too serious way too soon and that bothers me and thats a red flag for me.. | |
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EB1
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Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 6 | |
| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:19:21 AM | I was 27 when I was in a relationship with a man who was older than I was.
He wanted to marry me, but even more than that he wanted to have a child with me. He started to talk about this after we had been together for 8 months.
I did not want to get married again in that point of my life and I certainly was not ready for having a child. I was happy the way things were.
We ended up finishing our relationship. He even left the country for awhile.
I finished my diploma, worked in University and decided that I want to go abroad to work for. When I had already left the country, he had come back, got hold of my phone number in here and called me asking us to get back together. But I knew we were not meant to be because we were in different stages at that moment.
I know he loved me very much and I guess that ended up breaking his heart. That I was not ready for that life he had planned.
But now he is happily married and has a baby daughter so in the end everything went the way it should have been for him.
And no one is more happier for him than I am. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:26:02 AM | wow... that is a very tough problem. I think the posters above me are correct, but it's likely that the feelings you have now are tougher to dismiss than some might think.
Sometimes knowing something intellectually doesn't seem like enough...
I would suggest you give your current relationship your best try and all your heart though. You speak about the sort of things you liked about that first blush of romance, maybe with a little work you can bring a little bit of that first passion back into your current relationship?
However, I am not positive that feeling forever that you should have expanded your horizons with new people and experiences is intrinsically better than feeling that you were stupid not to stick with a truly great person. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:42:17 AM | | OP Here's the deal: Ask yourself why do you feel this way? She obviously isn't satisfying you in some way or you wouldn't feel like you miss being single and have the greener grass syndrome. You've only been together a year - sex should still be fairly new and exciting. If I had to guess, you guys don't communicate very well, and you are not telling her what you really need in the relationship, weather it's more kinky sex or whatever. And once you are single and get over to the other side, that side will begin the process of turning slightly brown and where you were will suddenly start sprouting up green patches again pretty quickly. Think about things. Either way in this situation there's a good chance you will regret something. Have you talked to her about it? If she's young too, maybe she feels the same way - maybe if you both put it in the open you will realize that if you really love each other, it's not dating or other people you need, it's a better understanding of each other and what each other needs. It might open up a lot of doors in your current relationship that will have you forgetting all about and not having urges to be single again. It's worth a shot, and if it still doesn't work, then you can have some solace in knowing you tried. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 9:17:19 AM | Msg: 1 -- If your gf IS the one you want to keep, perhaps you should keep her. I'm sure if you are creative enough, you can have the hot passionate lust-filled sex with her.
The grass may appear greener elsewhere, but it seems to rot quicker.
Read message 4 carefully. Think long and deliberately before you do anything rash. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:19:27 AM | | I did once, a long long time ago, and it actually stopped me from dating for a goodly number of years after that--around 9 years. I realized afterwards that i wasn't sure what i wanted, whether i even wanted to be involved in a relationship and that i hadn't figured out enough about who i was and where i wanted to go. that i had things i wanted to focus on and i needed the time in my 20s to work that out, do what i needed to do. I know I hurt him very badly and always regretted that until years later he met the love of his life, moved, now has a child and they are still happily married. so, in the end, it all works out. Just because he was a good boyfriend didn't mean that he was good for me. Had I stayed with him, it would have stifled me in the long run and I have no doubt that a divorce would have eventually ensued. I needed my freedom at that time. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:24:32 AM | Honestly can't say that I've had this experience from YOUR viewpoint.
But I gaurantee you, having someone break up with you for something as petty as this, WILL hurt your significant other. At least be HONEST with them, and don't give them stupid cliche lines like I got. Give them the REAL reason, and don't leave them wondering.
I'm going to wonder for many years to come, why my last relationship really ended, but I think I know why.
Maybe it's better to "get it out of your system". But don't expect them to wait around for you. Remember, they'll more than likely find someone worth their time, if you leave them high and dry for reasons like this.
And as a previous poster stated, in the end you will be hurting yourself more. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:32:16 AM | | yeah....message four IS a good one. But I suspect you wouldn't listen anyway. And I would suspect that you're probably going to be the type to cheat anyway due to your need to OD on adrenaline rushed 'excitement'. Do yourself a favor and don't settle down. Regardless of what the post in message four says.....who would care if you're going to regret it? I would think any woman wanting constancy out of a man should look as far away from a guy like you who's going to always have 'the itch' . What woman, unless she's just not into long term either, would need the stress of whether or not you'll be telling everybody in the free world that you have regrets of not being able to be a slut........... Just go bang ho's......k? | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 12:44:31 PM | If she was the right gal, Xanathos, you wouldn't be thinking about ripping the clothes off others. It's obvious she's not satisfying you sexually.
You wrote,
My gf is the type of girl that I want to keep,
Sounds familiar. I met my EX through a group of friends. She was the "nice" gal. Not a lot of boyfriends. Not flirty. Not preoccupied with sex. She was a virgin when we started dating and later married.
Guess what? After our divorce and her remarriage, complaining about her new husband, she said, "You know me. I never cared for sex."
Yep, she was the gal to bring home to mother but the problem was mother wasn't the one who was going to live with her! 
People knock sex but at the end of the day sex is what a romantic relationship is all about. The rest is just friendship. Sex is the thing that holds couples together. Sex is what determines if you're going to settle down because if the sex is great between two people neither one wants to leave!
When ones partner is with someone else, whether cheating or after a breakup, what do people think about? People are not whining and crying because their partner is having dinner with someone or going to a movie with someone. We all know what's going through their mind.
As for communicating your needs and talking it out that's all well and good but just remember sex is referred to as ones sex "drive" because it is inherent in the person, much like ones drive for success. Some people are natural entrepreneurs and others are more laid back. If your g/f does change just be sure she is changing because she wants to and not just to please you because after a while she will return to her natural self and your search will continue. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 1:13:11 PM | Pian04te expressed my sentiments in his own inestimable way.....
.....although I would have refrained from the last sentence, as that would not have been ladylike for me to express.
To put it in another way, OP, the fact that you're missing the dating life is solid evidence that you're not ready to make a commitment.
Do yourself and your girlfriend a huge service and cut her loose now, so that she can spend her time in the more productive endeavor of finding someone who is ready and willing to be faithful to her, and to appreciate the "boring" life of exclusivity and domesticity.
Please don't think that marrying this woman will cure you of your "itch". It will just exacerbate it. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:20:47 PM | How the hell can we possibly influence you with
a decision like this - it has to come from you.
If you are feeling like there is something more for
you, then there probably is. Only you can decide if this
is where you want to be in your life.
Your not interested in sleeping around okay then - there you go -
So she is the ONLY one- lots of people meet one person and that is it
but again - it is something that has come from you - if you feel restless
then - do what you need to do. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:30:51 PM | I'm really curious as to what rock you were under from the ages of 12 to 26 that this is your first dating experience. That aside, at least you are honest enough with yourself to know that this isn't the last stop on your train ride. You're still very young, and it's much better to let this girl go with honesty and integrity, than to cling to her out of a sense that you might not find anything better on down the line.
Sometimes we do meet the very right people at the very wrong time, for a wide variety of reasons. Not all the mountain-moving in the world will force it to be the right time, either. | |
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Sigi
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Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 20 | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:45:45 PM | "so much that I still need to get out of my system." Sounds like something needing a prescription for antibiotics. Whatever you do, don't scratch it!
Seriously, what is it that you're wanting to experience other than a string of one-night stands and/or meaningless sex?
Your girlfriend isn't holding you back from fulfilling your life, you just enjoy the thrill of the chase still. It's immaturity, maybe you'll grow out of it, maybe you won't.
Sad to say there's a lot of men twice your age that haven't.
You should let this lady read your post, I don't think you'd have to worry about making a decision yourself. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:01:08 PM | OP, I know the feeling, been in the same situation. I'm going to give you the flip side experience because I stayed with the person in spite of those feelings. I started to feel that way after about 8 months. We stayed together for 9 years. I'd get those feelings from time to time, but I was able to dismiss them. The relationship ultimately soured anyways because we were too different and that was difficult to tell when you get together so young.
I do agree with the poster who said that you'll have a string of crappy relationships and feel like you miss the one you had that 'worked'. My relationship didn't end for the reasons we're discussing, but none the less, there are times that miss what I had because so often things just don't work.. at all. | |
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| Have you ever hurt a good partner because you weren't ready to settle down?
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:20:55 PM | NO but I was on the other end of it. It hurt, but honestly, it would have been much worse if, to 'spare my feelings' he stayed with me, and then cheated on me.
He knew he wasn't ready to be faithful, and he handled it the only way he knew how.
I think he is very immature, and I KNOW he lost someone wonderful, but whatever; he did me a huge favor, hurt as it might have for a short time.
Don't string her along, be honest, and move on... the sooner she can start healing and find someone who will really appreciate how great she is. | |
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