| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:11:20 AM | Asking all you men out there!!!
I would like to know what it means when a guy you just started emailing here on this site keeps asking to meet with you and take you places. It hasn't even been a week of communication and this guy wants to get together next weekend already. I'm brand spankin' new to this online dating stuff and need lots of advice!
And yes I do consider myself t0 be very leery and cautious! It's the 21st century, with too much sick stuff happening all around us!
Is he desperate? Is he a lech? Is he clueless? (to think a woman is going to meet with you after a very short and brief get-to-know-you session)
Is he..........? | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:15:44 AM | Is he tired of NOT getting dates with online dating and wants to see who will say yes with the least amount of BS involved?
A few weeks investment for someone who ends up not wanting to meet you seems like a huge waste of time. And for men, it's even harder because the amount of women willing to talk to you is very low.
The longer you spend online, the more you build up a fantasy about someone, and then when you meet them, they better meet your fantasy or it's disappointing.
Either you're interested or you're not. It's one thing to try to get to know someone, but for the majority, shit or get off the pot. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:18:07 AM | | Uh, maybe he's old fashioned and actually wants to sit down and talk rather than have to send you an email and wait for a reply a day or more later. If he's in your area he may want to jump at the chance to actually see a female. Then again he might want to get laid or he might be desperate. I like how you said its ONLY been a week. As if this was some sort of short time span. In the real world he would have asked you out on a date and you guys would have met up somewhere and talked or something by now. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:20:40 AM | | Thanks for your reply ubkobalt. A different perspective than I expected, but HEY that's why I asked the question in the first place. So bottom line is he just doesn't want to waste time. Interesting! And I have to agree with this fantasy point you made, even when reading profiles or posts YOU the reader are influencing its meaning and intent. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:29:34 AM | That's another good point 'warrior'.
So this online dating is just for hooking up and then you should call or meet right away to see if there is a connection??! But how do you know if even 1/4 of the men on this website are real?! | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:36:28 AM | I'll explain my strategy when looking for women.
Is she attractive?
Is she annoying?
Is she local?
Are we compatible on a basic level?
If she can pass all of those questions, I'd like to meet her.
Women on the otherhand seem to want to be impressed. They want to be won over. There's a hidden "Why should I?" in there. Why should I write you back? Why should I talk to you? Why should I meet you? Why should I accept you?
And that's crap, and it's our job as men/pursuers to destroy that defensive wall of crap if we want to get to the woman who's hiding behind it. As guys, we're not really sure WHY we're put through that, or why she's want to protect herself from someone that's interested in her. I ask myself constantly "Why do women say 'No' so often, so easily? " and "Why are they always looking for a reason to shoot a guy down?" But there it is, and we have to break through those defenses that are set up by the person we're trying to get to. It's tiring and exhausting work. Sometimes you give up and move on to the one with less defenses, or know that your efforts are futile. (While the former one thinks "He wasn't worth it anyway.)
And sometimes you're just out of breath from the last one that you attempted. She sees the exhaustion, and looks at her own defenses, and out of mercy turns you away.
My ratio is about 1 in 30-50 emails result in a reply. (This is a lot of work sending out personalized emails that will stand out amongst the other guys writing her.) 1 in 3 result in chatting online. Of those, 1 in 3 are willing to meet me after all the prelims are met, after she's put me through her "tests" aka "Getting to know me.". 1 in 2 of those make it past the first date and are generally successful after that.
Safety is important. And it should be considered. But, after all that, all that investment, and she STILL doesn't want to meet you due to safety reasons, I'm feeling it a bit hard to have the energy to be empathetic. It's another "No" in my book, and makes me want to find someone who won't say no. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:43:59 AM | The only true way to know people from online is to meet them. Meet in a extremely public place, maybe even bring a friend in tow, and if your first impression is ok, give it a chance. If your gut says no, leave immediately. Don't look back.
If he asks why you no-showed, tell him why. As the GUY, he SHOULD understand. Considering females usually tend to be more likely to have something bad happen. Safety is always number one when meeting someone from the internet.
As a male who's met a few females from the internet, I myself wasn't offended when they brought a friend along for safety the first time. (As a extremely large male, I've never felt the need to bring anyone else along when meeting people. I can handle myself.) | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:04:54 AM | | OP. He is either desperate, a serial dater, or on the prowl for sex. Make no misstake about it; he is saying the same thing to all the other 1 million ladies on here. All the other explanations such as he is being old fashion are not accurate. Take care. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:19:02 AM | I tend question anyone who wants to meet right off the bat as well because I like to have a chance to get to know the person a little bit better before we meet. To be honest, the whole internet dating thing still weirds me out a little. If he gets mad at you because you don't want to meet him right away, then you'll have your answer (I have had that a lot, right down to very rude words) If he's not prepared to chat with you a bit so that you are more comfortable in meeting him in person then it's his loss.
This whole argument about wasting time chatting on the internet is bull to me. What is the hurry? you are chatting on the internet anyway right. Just because you may be disappointed when you finally do meet does not mean that you have wasted the time in getting to know someone. Plenty of people still chat, as friends, after they meet and decide there is not mutual attraction etc.
That's just my take on it...take whatever time you need, a nice guy will want to get to know you anyway. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:30:22 AM | There's chatting for 2 weeks, and there's chatting for 2 months and still "Not sure".
The hurry is, I tend to focus on only one at a time. Stop jerking me around with all the getting to know you crap. Get to know me in person. Because in person, that's who I am. I am not me on the internet. Even here, this is not me. You have no idea what my smile looks like, you have no idea what it's like to look into my eyes. You have no idea what my laugh sounds like.
That, and I already have plenty of internet friends. Give me something more human. Give me something a bit more special than that. There's a million other women that I'm NOT talking to, and that I'm NOT meeting. Make it better than that.
I'm not angry at someone who does this, just disappointed. You can fish all day, finally get one, fight to get it reeled in, and just as you're about to get it into the boat, it looks at you and says "I am a magic fish. To catch me, you'll have to answer my 3 riddles!" Back into the water with you fishy. 
I don't know. Maybe those with more options at their disposal can screw around so easy. Then again they're probably the same type that say "I love being single!"
Maybe I want to get to know her too, but I can't get to know her because there's a stupid computer in the way!
Edit: That's why I love these forums. I can figure stuff out by saying things like this last line. That's the point I'm trying to make. I don't feel like I can "get to know" someone on a computer or a phone. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:30:39 AM |
keeps asking to meet with you and take you places.
RED FLAGS!
Wanting to get together after a week is a little fast in my book, but not too terribly out of the ordinary. But, to plan dates where he takes you places in just a week is too much, too desperate. The guy doesn't even know you, let alone know if he really wants to spend a lot of time with you. Either he has made you up in some sort of fantasy in his head, or he's looking for a quick lei (and not in Hawaii). | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:30:52 AM | I agree with ubk 100%
The only way you can know if a person is someone you want to have a relationship with is to date/spend time with them in person. Whats the point of chatting with a girl for a month and then realizing you cant stand being around her the first time you meet? | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:35:10 AM |
But how do you know if even 1/4 of the men on this website are real?!
That's called the benefit of the doubt. You don't have to believe everything a person says, but if it isn't outlandish and there isn't evidence to contradict it, why would you not believe it.
If you can't give the benefit of the doubt, dating doesn't work (meeting new people probably doesn't work so well either).
-GG | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:43:38 AM | | OP what type of get together is he suggesting? If he is talking a quick coffee date then I see no issue with that as you will need to meet sooner or later to see if there is a connection. You do have to be careful as there seems to be an innordinate amount of creeps out there and if he cant understand that then it MAY be an indication of his motivation. Offer to meet for coffee and if that is not acceptable then you do what you think is right at that point. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:47:16 AM | I have made the mistake of waiting a month or two before meeting guys I have been chatting with. You build up a fantasy of who you think the person is (you fill in the blanks with what you want the blanks to be filled with) - even though you are asking questions all the time when you are chatting. Then you meet and it is incredibly disappointing. I think body language and chemistry play a bigger role and you can't get that from chatting online or over the phone.
I don't think he is desparate because he wants to meet so soon. He just wants to know if the two of you feel chemistry and really have any potential.
I say meet sooner rather than later - save yourself the disappointment. Keep it safe (public place and bring a friend if you feel the need).
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 12:19:06 PM | | To expect to pick you up and take you places is going a little too far, but I'm pretty impatient with long periods of online and/or phone only contact. If I cared enough to write to someone, I'm probably already interested enough to invest an hour or two of my time to meet them at a coffee shop or bar (always public places). I'll usually try to set that up after a couple emails and, if that doesn't happen within two or three weeks, will assume the other person is only interested in a "cyber" friendship (which I just don't do). | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 12:35:30 PM | I would not spend weeks chatting before I meet a girl, I need to meet her face to face so we can really talk and see if we are right for each other and I do not think you can do this on the phone or on the net. I would rather waste an hour soon after the first contact for a drink then to waste many hours over many weeks to find out that one of us is not really interested for any reason a month later.
I do not understand why people are so reluctant to go and meet someone for real in a public place, this is not worst than meeting a complete stranger in a bar for example. I probably would not give my address right away in case the girl turns out to be a real psycho but I wouldn't mind meeting a girl I have interest in after a couple of messages. If a girl does not want to meet me I will think either she is hiding something or that she is not really interested since it is only normal to want to meet someone you are interested in unless you are hiding something. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 12:55:16 PM |
And yes I do consider myself t0 be very leery and cautious! It's the 21st century, with too much sick stuff happening all around us!
Since you say you are new here, and your profile indicates you are separated(and still married, I might add), I'd suggest you take your time...
You are correct in stating that a week of communication is way too little time to meet a guy. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:32:25 PM | A week, to me, sounds just about right. A few back and forth emails, a couple MSN convos and I can get a pretty decent sense of whether or not I've got more than a little passing interest in someone. Now, that doesn't mean wanting to take them out for a big fancy date, but it more than likely means wanting to grab coffee or drinks sometime to see if there's more chemistry. I get decent reponses from the emails I send out and the occasional first contact email, but even then I'd say only 10% of the girls I communicate with have that mutual attraction that's enough to go out and meet. Anything longer than a week with that kind of situation means that I'm wasting a lot of timethat I could be spending on people who actually do want to meet me. I signed up for this site to meet people, not to chat... so that's where my priorities lie.
To the OP - Worry less about the timeframe and more about whether or not you're comfortable with the guy. If you are comfortable, go for it. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:40:22 PM | If a random guy came up to you in the coffee-shop, & started chatting to you for a while, would that be a scary and high-risk experience? Do you need to get to know him before you do it?
Hell no.
Really, there is no reason why you can't meet someone in a public place in daytime (bring a friend too if you're still worried) and chat for a bit. It is not going to kill you. Almost any woman who REALLY takes online dating seriously can easily set up a dozen dates with different guys over the course of a week or two, weed out the rubbish ones, and have a new boyfriend after a month or two. I've seen it done on more than one occasion.
How much slower than that you choose to go is entirely up to you. There is no rush, and I'm not criticising this cautious behaviour, but realise that those guys you're chatting with online can and will meet up with other girls, and once they've actually met someone, they'll generally get higher 'priority' than you. That's the way guys minds work! On the flipside of course, the sooner you meet up with a guy the sooner he will think of you as a real person that he may or may not want to date, rather than just another name on a screen who's yet to really pass the first hurdle. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 2:42:55 PM | eyesasmilin,
If you've been having back-and-forth emailing for a few days, and afterwards he suggests to get together in the near future, no, he's not desperate. If you're uncomfortable about a weekend, which implies a more formal (bigger deal) meeting, then suggest something on a Tuesday afternoon for a quick stop at a cafe or something to talk a bit.
If after one email exchange he suggests that, then he's asking too quick and it could definitely mean he's a little desperate. But I think a lady who receives his suggestion to meet would be clueless if there were a number of email exchanges already and she thought it was crazy that he'd even suggest an idea of (gasp) meeting in the coming weekend! lol It may not be your style, since you're new -- but no, it's not crazy and he wouldn't be clueless if you guys have had an ongoing conversation for a few days.
It's less dangerous to meet someone in a public place from "online", than it is to meet someone at the grocery store and meet up with them in a more private area afterwards. Public places are public places. There are weirdos at bars, grocery stores, etc. Weirdos weren't born when the Internet came about - lol. But I understand if you're new to communicating via the internet and watch too many Dateline NBC shows. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:01:53 PM | Thanks Angel,
That's exactly how I feel about this whole online dating experience. Never had it in my day!
And being that I am home alone at night after my girl goes to sleep, it's been nice just chatting and getting to know all different people, and not feeling so alone anymore. I too don't know what the rush is. I'm not comfortable meeting a stranger after only a week, especially if he hasn't written much about himself and I really don't know him.
I appreciate your reply and good luck to you out there. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:05:55 PM | He could be just trying to get in your pants as quick as possible, and doesn't want to waste time with the act of "getting to know you".
He could be the type who prefers to get to know people face to face. Finding the whole online thing "impersonal".
He could think that you'd really like him if you spend time with him, but that his personality is hard to get across online (ie makes for a boring read, even though he's fun in person).
He might be afraid that you'll talk to him for a while, he'll get his hopes up, and then you'll decide you don't want to see him.
He could have truly fallen for you quickly, and is just dying to meet you.
There's lots of possibilities... everyone's different... each situation is something you have to examine on it's own... and try and figure out just what's going on. Sometimes it's good, sometimes bad... but that's life. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:07:22 PM | Yep Big Guy,
This also set off a RED FLAG in my head. He keeps saying how he would like to take me to a baseball game and his favorite seafood house. I didn't even say I liked sports, which I don't!
Thanks again 'cause now I'm remebering another email said he would like to walk and hold hands. This is sounding way too creepy!! Sounds to me like he just has pat answers or questions for everyone. | |
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| When a guy wants to get together right away?
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:09:20 PM | | Well, if he's asking to do things you're not interested in... then he's not really been listening has he? Which means he doesn't really deserve your time. | |
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