| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:21:36 PM | i have a question from a girl friend of mine. what follows is her problem:
I have been seeing a man for 6 months now; I'll call him Adam for clarity purposes. Adam and I are not officially dating, but he is my best friend and we do have sex on occasion and he kisses me hello and goodbye. I see him every day, always spending 4 - 6 hours with him each time. Adam says he's not ready for a relationship because he needs to focus on his job right now. His first major relationship ended because of money troubles and he wants to have that issue taken care of before he commits to a relationship. Yet neither of us is seeing or sleeping with another and we have both agreed that we won't.
Recently, Adam told me that he loves me. Then, the following day, he said he loves me but he's not in love with me. That somehow, he feels differently for me than he has with others in his past. He says it confuses him because I'm much higher quality than they have been and I have every quality he wants in a woman. He admitted that he had not been giving me his all; that essentially, he was giving me scraps. Basically, he was not as affectionate, etc. as he normally would be. Adam says that there was something holding him back from being with me completely, but he didn't know what that was.
Adam says the love he feels for me is somewhere between friendship and love. He's not sure if it can grow into more, but because of the way I feel for him (I am in love with him and I told him that), that we should just be friends. Adam also said that the conversation we last had about taking our "relationship" to the next stage only brought his doubts to the surface and now he doesn't believe there could be more with me. I was absolutely heartbroken. I still am.
I asked Adam how he would feel if I began dating someone new. He said that he would feel a little jealous because I would be spending all of my free time with the new guy, and not him. Then, as I was leaving his house after he essentially ended it with me, I called another male friend whom I'll call Matt. I needed the comfort; I wasn't looking for anything more.
Matt has recently broken up with his fiance and was is still heartbroken. Basically, Matt wondered if I would be interested in a rebound with him, purely for the purposes of us both ignoring the pain we are feeling. I agreed to meet Matt for breakfast to consider it, but before I did, I called Adam, both to wake him up (which I always do. I am his alarm clock) and to ask if it would be okay to see Matt in such a way. I am extremely loyal to the men I love, and I would feel as though I was cheating on Adam, even though HE was the one who ended it. Even though there really wasn't anything to end except for the mutual agreement that we would not be seeing others.
Adam became angry and clearly jealous. He then started to cry, saying that me being with another man didn't feel right to him. I reminded him that he said just the night before that he would only be a little bit jealous because I would not be spending as much time with him. However, because of Matt's odd working hours, I would be able to keep spending the same amount of time with Adam; nothing would change. I told him that it was nice knowing that Matt wanted me and would give me the comfort that I obviously couldn't seek in him, since he was the cause of the heartache.
Adam invited me over immediately, he said he wanted me, and we had sex. Really good sex. Later that night, I visited Adam again, and he was somewhat distant. He hugged and kissed me at the door, but that was it. Not a mention of what happened earlier and he didn't make a move on me at all.
My question is: what the heck is going on with Adam? He's not sure he wants me, but he definitely doesn't want anyone else to have me...
I don't get it. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for the length. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:32:30 PM | | Its very simple.He doesnt want you in the way you do but he doesnt want anyone else to have you.Same old story.He cant have it both ways.You need to make a decision. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:32:50 PM | I have a friend in the same situation.
For whatever reason, Adam is damaged goods. As he is right now, he is not capable of having a relationship with someone who treats him well. As long as your friend is satisfied with being an alarm clock Adam has sex with, then there is nothing you can do. She doesn't have enough respect for herself.
She cannot expect things to change. Because in all likelyhood they wont. | |
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Dug01
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Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 4 | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:34:03 PM | Since this is for your "friend", I will address my response to "her":
My dear, the question is not "What is going on with Adam?" or "What is going on with Matt?"
The question is, what the heck is going on with you?
You're playing a game. You're using one man to manipulate the other.
It sounds like all three of you know what is going on so maybe it's okay with everyone. If so, have fun and more power to you. You might even want to try a threesome.
But my guess is you're hurting people. If you are, and you know you are (or even suspect it), then you should do what your conscience tells you to do. I can't tell you what that would be.
Why the hell would you call up one guy to tell him you were going on a sex visit to another guy? What kind of cruel person are you? | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:35:27 PM | | Adam's only offering you friendship and sex here and there,and just wants to remain friend's ,after you told him of your feelings for him....so he really has no right to be telling you who you can and can not see,he seems rather selfish if you ask me,he cant have his cake & eat it too.....its your life do with it what you want.I know I wouldnt allow a "friend" control of who I can & cant see ....This game hes playing could go on for how long?in the mean time you could be meeting someone who knows what he wants. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:40:17 PM | Mixed Emotions result in Mixed Messages. It is that simple. What your friend choses to do with that, I have no idea. Her move with Matt will strike many as game playing. I'm not so sure I'd label it that, more a case of emotional immaturity I would think. However, Matt is a bad idea as avoidance of feeling is both immature and limiting. It IS pretty much guaranteed to have Adam get off the fence... most likely to end it, I would think.
When people are torn between Yes or No, No is often the easier choice. If she is mature enough, I'd have a break from Adam... without Matt... Give him the space. Also a possibility that your friend's feelings for Adam are amplified by the "can't have him/gotta have him" situation.
Life is simple - it is people who make it complicated. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:46:05 PM | I've been almost exactly where your friend is at.
Adam has everything he wants with her, and she's laid all of her cards on the table. He knows he's got her, and her love.
Just as I was reading the 'talking to her friend Matt' part I thought "Oh yep, and Adams' gonna want her back..." and lo and behold! lol
Adam wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants her but doesn't want to have to commit. But he doesn't want anyone else to have her either. And this is *not* going to change.
The reality of the situation is: stop seeing Adam and find another. She should not be his 'alarm clock', hanging out with him every day, etc. A friend if need be, sure. But that's it.
One of two things will happen. 1) Adam will come to realize that he really does want and love her. (Although this is *highly* unlikely. She needs to beware of him simply saying so and then changing his mind the next day like last time.) 2) She finds someone who loves her back.
But either way she needs to just stay away from Adam. And either way she needs to be aware that he's going to be talking crap to her about wanting her.
And oh yes, the phone call to Adam about Matt was not a good idea. Childish. I understand why she did it, she wanted to see his reaction. But still; stay away means stay away. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:51:32 PM | I think I saw this scene in an episode of "The Bold and the Beautiful"......
Seriously.....how much time in your lives DO you have to concoct or conduct these things between each other?? Ficticiously or non??? | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:57:06 PM | OP-
Adam- is commitment phobic or some other reason causing him to only want you with the prospect of some else taking you away. I think that’s called a booty call.
Matt- is just hurting and looking to have fun, that could turn into something more but don’t count on it. For now, if it feels right, do it.
You-or your friend as you put it. Your hung up on someone you cant have. Stop trying to figure things out, and do what will make you happy.
It’s a big pond out their. There might be a Dave, John or Steve that will make you forget all about Matt and Adam. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 12:59:35 PM | Adam wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants her but doesn't want to have to commit.
or put another way, he wants to keep getting his "free milk" and doesn't want someone else kidnapping his cow. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 1:07:47 PM | Thanks for your replies (yep, this is me responding. Note: I can't access the forum for three days, that's why I'm using my friend's profile temporarily. I need to figure this thing out NOW.).
All of you had good points, but O Big Guy O's really stood out. He is damaged goods, no doubt about it. His first marriage ended because of money problems and she cheated on him, but one thing keeps me going here...He didn't fall in love with her until a year and a half after he started dating her. He had the same conflict with her that he has with me. That makes no sense to me, but one thing I wonder is this:
Why does it seem easier for him to accept the idea of a relationship that he knows won't go anywhere (meaning his ex girlfriends. He knew his heart would never be involved, so it wasn't an issue), but more difficult to put his heart out on the line? He was burned badly before, and I think it is those issues that make him conflicted about me.
To those who think I'm playing a game, I understand why you think that way. But I really don't want to hurt Adam. I wanted to make sure he was okay with me seeing Matt. My intention was not to use Matt as a way of making Adam jealous, but I can see that perspective on it.
It'sMargo, that's exactly what I think it is: "Mixed Emotions result in Mixed Messages." I believe Adam does have feelings for me, but I understand that they're mixed. He and I have a connection that he has agreed is deeper and more profound than he has ever had before, and I think that scares him. Really, I think it terrifies him. He is damaged goods, no doubt about it.
As for Matt, I don't want him. I want the comfort of him, absolutely, but I don't want him. With him it would merely be a case of easing the pain for us both, and that's something we mutually understand.
With Adam, I have so much going on with him on so many levels, including business, that space isn't such an easy thing to take. I agree that it is great advice, so thank you for it. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 1:57:36 PM | so simple!
Here's Adam................. ADAM
Here's his cake.............. CAKE ......(aka you)
Here's Adam eating....... *munch* .... without any real commitment to you.
he's got a sweet deal with you, a girlfriend without the messy girlfriend stuff that goes along with having one. "why buy the cow if you get the sex for free"...... of course he'll be upset you found another guy, he lost his sex cow!
(sorry to refer to you as a cow, it's just from a mallrats quote!) | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:05:43 PM | Quit being his alarm clock... quit being his shoulder to cry on.... quit being his booty call... in other words... call it quits!!! Give him the time he so obviously needs to get his chit together and if he comes back he comes back... if he DOESN'T you haven't sat there pining for a man who MAY or may NOT want you as anything other than what he said.... a friend.
He will do this to you as many times as you allow him to do it. Give him time and get on with your life. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:06:42 PM | | As above stated I have been the cow... Its all good .. Soon as I found another to be with OMFG the drama came... Its like I cant have her but yet no one else is allowed to have me either... its a messed up deal... Eventually you have to break off and find someone thatll be as much affectionate and loving as you are to them.. I am learning to do so myself havent quite gotten it down yet.... | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:07:41 PM |
This should be posted in the "Dating & Love Advice" forum, it is off topic to the forum it's in.
Dug01
It's in the relationship forum.... YOU are off topic!!! sheesh!!! ****rolls eyes**** | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:11:26 PM | Didn't I see this on a episode of Desperate Housewife? tooooo much drama, the only drama I want is the YES CD "Drama" deceiving yourself about your location in this man's universe isn't going to help yourself ....NO if and’s Candies and nuts like it or not you're in what as is known as FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS( you know the Sex, alarm clock, im sure you cook and clean for this guy too)
I'll give you some free but well known advice, if Adam was into you and in love with you, HE WOULD BE COMMITTED to you no matter what his financial situation is, no matter what his excuse is you can pile shit as high as you want and try to cover it with Strawberries, its still shit underneath.
Relegate this guy to the past tense, work on your self esteem, learn the patterns on setting healthy boundaries , ever hear the ole saying, "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
BTW, two wrongs dont make 0ne right, sleeping with Matt to forget Adam only brings more heartache, and then Telling Adam(talking about game playing).................. and for Matt to suggest only tells you what type of guy he really is, he broke up with fiancee for what ever reason but thinks its a good excuse to get laid? just when you think you hear it all. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:13:15 PM | | We all know whats wrong with Adam, how come you don't? Read what you have written and it will come clear to you......my advice for whatever its worth is move on... | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:18:53 PM | He doesn't want you. Regardless of what he's saying, he doesn't think you're good enough for him...or the one for him. But he doesn't want you with anyone else either. Once he finds someone he truly does think is good enough for him, he'll leave and feel no guilt because he's told you all along that you're not for him.
For your own emotional health, you should break all communication off with him immediately. Stop telling him about who you might be "doing" and stop spending time with him. Do not answer his calls and do not call. You're just the safety net...that's it.
Edit: Agreed Real Me. Op, it's generally foolish to try and analyze why someone else is behaving the way they are. It has nothing to do with you, but with them. You should be asking yourself why you're hurting yourself over and over by being with a man who has been quite clear about you not being the one for him. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:20:10 PM | Your friend-or whoever-needs to forget both Adam and Matt, and find a guy who DOES KNOW what the hell he wants, and isn't just looking for rebound sex relationships( that would be Matt).
Yes I know that's easier said than done, but it doesn't sound like your friend and "Adam" are on the same page. Manipulating and gameplaying usually do not serve to GENUINELY get someone onto the same page.
She needs to move on
Cindy O | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:25:41 PM | Wow. Am I the only one here who thinks it was really sh*tty of her to call Adam up to tell him she was going to go sleep with Matt???
It's as though almost everyone else wants to comfort her. She did something cruel and ugly and now she's dealing with its aftermath. GOOD.
I was being a tad sarcastic in my earlier post. I don't think this girl deserves companionship from any kind, mature man until she learns that others have feelings besides herself.
Look at the situation: she wants to use one guy to get over another. And she wants to use the other guy to hurt the first one.
Did she ever apologize to Matt for not meeting him for "breakfast" and instead going over to Adam's for sex? (Come on, she knew it was going to lead to sex. No one breathlessly tells you to come right over unless they want to nail you.)
Screw all this "Oh sister, you are the cow and now you have to cut off the milk." This is crappy, nasty behavior! The two guys don't sound like angels, either, but this girl doesn't deserve comfort, she deserves to be alone. And I hope it hurts.
Yes, I have broken up with a woman and had her then tell me that she was going off to sleep with some other guy (and that she had been sleeping with him concurrently with me). And no, I didn't ask her to come over. What I did instead was say to myself "Well, there's a really immature, scary woman and I'm glad it's over." That's what Adam should have done in this case. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:30:03 PM | I don't see how it was cruel to call Adam. He'd told her he was not interested in her for a serious relationship and would only be a "little" jealous should she decide to sleep with sommeone else.
And yes, it was manipulative of her. She knew Adam would hate to see his booty call moving on. That is all she is though. And Adam was manipulative as well, begging her to come over and nailing her, then becoming distant again. He doesn't want her.
As far as Matt goes, I'd say the Op didn't consider how he'd feel getting stood up by another woman after someone he's in love with dumped him. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:47:10 PM | Arugula, the point is not whether Adam was serious about her or not. The point is they were sex partners and she called him to tell him that she was going elsewhere for sex.
I'm glad you agree it was manipulative of her and I don't understand why you then proceed to try to justify her manipulation. It doesn't matter how Adam responded. What she did to him was cruel and in my opinion wrong.
And *squirrly_1*, if they were sex partners then there was a relationship. Call it a "sex partnership" if you want.
If there was a relationship then there was something to break up. | |
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| Help is needed in this interesting situation
Posted: 5/19/2007 2:53:06 PM | Real-me.....there is nothing to break up. Did you miss this?
Adam says he's not ready for a relationship because he needs to focus on his job right now.
and this...
Recently, Adam told me that he loves me. Then, the following day, he said he loves me but he's not in love with me.
and this....
He admitted that he had not been giving me his all; that essentially, he was giving me scraps. | |
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