| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/23/2007 1:54:00 PM | There's a lot of difference between a hooking up when you're a young man or woman and when a lot of water, so to speak, has gone under the bridge.
Young women are more giving while the reverse for young men is often the case. And as the years go by and after a long relationship usually marriage, this situation reverses. That is women expect to get more receiving while men find they must do more giving.
But this poses a problem for new relationships for older couples. Think about what a good relationship is. It is where two people care about each other, and each party derives their happiness by making the other happy! But why would either a man or a woman care about another human being that he or she doesn't have any history with?
Well the answer is they wouldn't. It's only by getting to know each other and developing some feelings for each other that the possibility might eventually exist that each party's need will be met. Of course the relationship could go south.
Well those various needs or wants that each party has are often referred to as the "punch list". Unfortunately, especially with older women, they often base getting involved in a relationship by the probability of getting their punch list met while men are often hesitant to make any sort of committments.
I have a friend who is a couple counselor and believes that likely more than 80% of the population could get along with each other is they put aside their lists. The reality is that people who truly care about each other will truly to their best to meet the other's desires!
Ok I'm ready for your slings and arrows!
The Eagle | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/23/2007 5:35:26 PM | Hey Eagle you are right on the money with this one. Key line being "getting to know each other and developing some feelings for each other". You can talk about it all you want on the phone, because it's safe, or by email. It seems to be a one shot thing these days, talk about it for days on the site or phone, establish communication lines, then when you really come face to face the entire picture changes. Getting to know each other just isn't in the picture any more and what a SHAME. You certainly can't get to really know someone over the phone or on email, the "newness" of it is too enticing. So the scenario is, you connect on line, you talk on the phone, everything is great, you meet, then you find yourself standing there scratching your head wondering what happened because once the "thrill of the chase" is toned down the other person walks away and points their finger at you (figuratively, of course) like you did something wrong. "Sorry, we didn't connect". What kind of nonsense it that? It's like sticking your finger in an electrical outlet. If you don't feel the "zing", there can't be any power in there - BULL.
I think that in todays society, people just simply don't want to take the time and effort that's required to get to know someone. I think lifestyles are just too fast paced for the most part. I would rather take time to get to know them, hang out as friends, then if something develops, great, if not, you have one more REAL friend to add to your life. I have several e-mail pals that I converse with and they add a immense richness to my busy life.
Sexual attractions are going to be there in the beginning, that's normal. But waiting to see if it's really worth it makes a real relationship so much better. It can only bring a couple closer and create a relationship that few things can tear apart. But if you don't want that type of relationship, then, by all means, the course to pursue is the "hunt, talk, tag and move on" game. | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/24/2007 5:27:30 AM | Most everyone wants someone in their life except for a few hermits who probably once wanted somebody. So why is it so many people are looking, including myself, and not finding?
It takes time to get to know another person. To get involved with another human being requires one take risks. Yes relationships will always involve risk. Is it worth it? Take some time to consider what's necessary for two people to hook up. First you have to spend time together to get to know each other and more importantly for feeling about each other to develop.
If these feelings are positive, then the relationship deepens and developes to the point that the parties begin to care about each other. When people care about each other, then they realize that their happiness depends upon the other's happiness.
If people care about each other, they will do whatever is necessary to make the other happy. Of course, every person has his or her's limitations, but in most cases, most people can meet the needs of their loved one.
However those of you who have a great big punch list or necessary requirements of things either physical, material, or social are going to kick a lot of people to the curb which likely would have been quite willing to meet your various needs or wants if you had given them the chance.
Now I'm not saying you should try to hook up with some really ugly and disgusting creature thinking that there is more under this ugly exterior. In my case, I have very few requirements, but I have found them difficult to find. What do I want or need? Well I like an attractive woman who likes to smile and have fun and doesn't mind if I knock back a few. It's also nice if she has a couple too, since lowering inhibitions can make things a lot more exciting and fun.
But I should answer the question I first posed - is it worth the risk? Well for me it is. I have always taken the risk, and often things haven't worked out which has been very painful for me emotionally. That's it. You just don't have any other choice except loneliness.
The Eagle | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/24/2007 4:48:59 PM | Of course the risks are worth taking. You never know what you may have missed out on or lost if you never take the chance and allow things to grow and develop. Life itself is a huge risk.
I've had my share of being kicked, but I'm not afraid to try again. I'm a fun lady, love to laugh, love to share life with someone I care about and I just have to believe there is someone who would enjoy being with me and I with them. So what if I do get kicked to the curb a few times, it's a learning and growing experience. Makes you stronger in the end.
I have recently met a few that are so insecure that they really don't know what they want. Or maybe their expectations are so high that no one could possibly meet the criteria.
Thanks, Eagle, for giving me the opportunity to voice my thoughts. | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/24/2007 6:04:53 PM | | its easy... BAGGAGE.. From your part and theirs.. their stumbling blocks that we trip over from out past.. Because we learn from experience. and things that where hurtful to us tend to stay and make us Leary. we tend to look for patterns and then predict or project what we think will happen | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/24/2007 6:24:05 PM | So what you are saying is: we can have a relationship with anyone as long as we tolerate their quirks and differences...right?
I believe that is true...however since everything is accelerated on the 'net' and there are so many 'optoins' of new people....people don't take the time or effort to allow someone into their lives.... | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/24/2007 6:46:07 PM | Starting a new relationship isn't difficult at all if one has enough appetite to eat the baloney available on line. Getting it off the ground and running depends on how much you are willing to invest.
PC2000 | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/24/2007 8:41:20 PM | People move too fast these days and don't get to know the person. We jump into bed too early in a relationship. Guys I know say if they haven't banged her by the third date they move on.
In the earlier days, two people met and if they liked each other they got engaged and the engagement went on for two to three years. This gave them time to get to know one another. Now, people meet and get engaged and married all within a year and wonder why if doesn't work. The marry a stranger. Relationships are the hardest thing we do, the things we most want and the thing we give the least amount of time too. | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/24/2007 8:58:27 PM | Hi Funny Girl,
I partly agree with you, but the reasons relationships don't work are people don't know how to do them.
Unfortunately we Americans get our ideas about relationships from the movies and romance novels. Nothing is taught in our schools about how to do them, and consequently they often fail. But there are some fortunate people who had loving parents who got along, and they learned the proper way to carry on a relationship.
Interestingly, we humans do most of our learning about how to interact with the opposite sex very early on in our childhood very likely before the age of 5. Imagine what some people learn in dysfunctional families!
There is also another problem. During the dating ritual, people are often on their best behavior or not making waves afraid of losing the relationship. This is actually the time to recognize and solve difficulties. When people get married, the honeymoon is over and the real personalities emerge. Again, if the parties don't know how to do a relationship, it's probably doomed.
Finally a really perverse problem often occurs which is when couples see they aren't getting along they are too ready to throw in the towel and abandon the effort. My friend the couple counselor tells me that he can help nearly all couple save their marriage except for those who are severely disturbed.
The Eagle | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/25/2007 8:06:59 AM | It depends upon the complexities involved...
If you're just into simplicity, and base core values...It doesn't take much to get a single-engined Cessna off the ground...
But if you view your life and situations surrounding you as complex, and add categories like compatibility, social/educational/economic status, introvert/extrovert issues, physical appearance, artistic tastes, beliefs, etc...You've got quite a jumbo jet there, and one BEAR of a pre-flight checklist to review before you even settle into the pilot's seat...  | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/25/2007 8:50:43 AM | | OP, while you bring up some interesting points, many that I agree with, I believe that while we need to take the time to get to know someone before getting too deeply involved, we also need to know what our dealbreakers are before we get involved with anyone...Sure we can come to care about someone, sometimes way too fast which is what causes too many relationships to last...but we also need to know what we do and don't want in our relationship, e.g. some of my dealbreakers are: he doesn't believe in monogamy, has an alcohol/drug addiction, will only settle for having his own biological children with their partner (as the chances if that are slim for me, no guarantees due to age); doesn't have common sonsideration and intelligence; etc. While someone may seem to be the perfect person for us, if we don't know what our dealbreakers are we may get too involved with someone only to find out well after we're deeply emotionally involved that they're really not the one for us , and then both people end up getting hurt when it inevitably ends. There's a big difference between just jumping in and taking risks willy-nilly, and knowing what you're looking for then taking a risk to find it. | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/25/2007 9:06:54 AM | There are almost as many reasons as there are people. In my experience women are too picky. I cant say anything about men because I don't talk to them here. I once talked to this girl about 8 years ago, who was 25 at the time. She told me I was perfect, but that men over 30 are stuck in their ways ( I was 31) I tried to tell her I was very flexible, but she was stuck in believing I was stuck in MY ways......well rotfl, she is still online searching for that perfect one. I saw her ad a couple months ago, and she is now 32. I sent her a message and told her that women over 30 are too stuck in their ways, and reminded her what she told me. I said if you were not so stuck in your ways you might have had a great guy (in her opinion I was otherwise perfect).
Moral of the story: Quit being so jaded. Instead of looking for that perfect one, try meeting a LOT of people and making a choice from that group. I have been here for almost a year, and I see the same old profiles the whole time. I have met 3 women from here, 3 are way too big for me to be attracted to, and wont do anything about it, and the other one is "separated" but still living with her soon to be ex. I might hook up with her if they finish the divorce, but I wont tell her that until it happens.
There are a lot of good ideas here, but the best ones are the ones that say BAGGAGE. Relationships were fun and easy when we were young.....what happened to everyone? ASK YOURSELF THAT !! I personally am approaching this as a young kid. I am young at hear and very open minded. I am willing to meet anyone regardless of physical attraction, I like having more friends. Seems a lot of women will not talk to you unless you seem perfect, and I am not going to hide my real self to look perfect, so I can meet someone, then let them down later. But thats me..... | |
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| Why It's So Diffcult to Get a New Relationship to Fly!
Posted: 5/25/2007 10:44:40 AM | To all:
There are certianly deal breakers as Dr Phil would say. I certainly don't advocate hooking up with drug users, alcoholics, deeply disturbed people (we may all be a litle), or truly neurotic individuals. Also people in any relationship have to we willing to compromise and negotiate for the things they want. What I'm saying is normal reasonable people can successfully get along. The rest need to get some (or a lot) of therapy.
There have been many studies done, and the key factor in successful pairings has been commonality, e.g., race, education, interests, social status or background, and such. Another factor has been complementary qualities in other words each person helps to fill in the other holes - so to speak. The reason are people who are more or less the same have less conflict in getting along.
Incidentally, I'm a retire Navy carrier pilot with 20,000 hours of flight time. Let me tell you about flying. If you can fly a small plane well, you can fly any plane. In fact, I can fly planes that I haven't even sat in. Relationships are the same way given you have found someone who attracts you and has the qualities and interests you desire.
I know there are a lot of SOBs and predators in the singlesworld, and it can be a very hurtful experience. I have a final word of caution that good relationships are made with both the mind and the heart.
The Eagle | |
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