| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/25/2007 6:37:19 PM | Hello folks,
I have been trolling this board for a few days now, and I notice there are a lot of mature people here, therefore i'm going to post what is going on and what my questions are.
I really don't know where to begin, my wife passed away March 15th, and I now am a single father of two sons (Whom I adore...)
I'm going to tell you all about my experiences, it is shortened quite a lot... and I don't expect everyone to read it. If you have recently lost someone very close to you to cancer, do not read unless you think it will make you feel comfortable.
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My wife was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer about 2 years ago. She went through the treatments;Intensive Chemo and Radiation right after.
That was a very difficult year, and at the time I thought that nothing could be harder than this... I was so wrong...so very wrong...
Anyway, after the treatment and her hair began to grow back, the neuropothy went away(after a bit) and things were getting much better!
We had a full year of just getting "back into the groove" of things... and trying to put that nastiness behind us.
(Going to skip a lot here...)
At the end of January 2007, she went to her doctors as usual and got blood work... no biggie right? Well I get a call saying that she is going to be held overnight... the gears begin to turn... but I try to be as optimistic as possible for all of us. (...and yes I am a pesimist by nature)
(Going to skip a lot here...)
I got a call... from my wife... they found 6 spots on her brain, and it's on her liver.
She goes for radiantion. Ten treatments on her brain... this was a horrific experience, and I really hope that noone knows what i'm talk about... and if you do... then this is making a lot of sense right now....
... after the treatments she is not herself anymore... no longer the woman I married, and no longer the mother she once was...
They told us she had maybe a year or two tops...
Then they told us she had maybe 6 months... perhaps a bit less...
Then they told us she had mabye a month...
Then they told us... do what you have to do NOW because she is dying...
(Skipping a lot again here...)
On Thursday, March 15th at approx noonish- she (my wife) asks to be placed at a hospice facility... I knew this was going to be it... but I kept it to myself... for a little while.
I followed the ambulance there...and she was now placed in their care... waiting to die.
Now if you've ever seen someone in this state, or I should say... if you've ever been in love with someone, and they are in that state- no words can describe how you feel, what you see, what you hear, how you perceive things, what thoughts are RACING through your head. I can tell you this though- I would never wish this on ANYONE.
Anyway...
She was there about 5-6 hours or so... she waited until we (my wife and I) were alone in the room... and it began...
Again, no words can truely describe what I saw...or how I felt...
I held her hand the moment her spirit left her body.
I woke up on the floor...
...and that was that...
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Well if you were brave enough to read through that entire thing, I have a lot of respect for you right now. I did skip a LOT, and trust me- you would be glad I did.
If anyone wants to know more, or wants to share their experience with me... or anything at all- let me know.
Since this is kind of a dating site, here are my questions regarding that.
1.) Does it make me a horrible person to want to search for someone? I'm not lookin to get married next week folks... I really wouldn't mind meeting a female though, that understood and respected my situation. If something develops from that in the future, even better.
2.) Is this post completely inappropriate? If so I will delete it right away...
God Bless
~Peter | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/25/2007 7:57:49 PM | I have been in your exact situation. We were given a diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer, with 6-8 months to live. It was 7 months to the day, and I held his hand, just as you did, and watched his spirit leave his body.....as much as I thought I myself would die without him, I would not and could not ask, or wish him to stay. he was so terribly sick those last 2 days, and death was truly a blessing, both for him, and those of us who loved him.
The feelings you are having right now, are so very normal. You miss her, you miss a companion, you miss someone to talk to at the end of the day, and you miss just knowing she is there....Do not try to fill her space in your heart by jumping into the dating scene....it would not be fair to you, nor to anyone who may date you.
It's not at all inappropriate for you to seek out a friend right now. My only advice to you, is to take your time, and do not jump into anything. Your feelings and emotions are raw. Your children need you. You need them.....and in time, your heart will heal enough to be able to truly share yourself with someone else.
Do not define yourself by this event, and do not look for a relationship based on what you've been through. It takes someone who has "seen this color", to truly understand and appreciate it's impact on your life, now, and forever.
My sympathy is with you, and your children. I too have children still at home, the youngest, a 10 year old son, the only boy of five children, and he misses his daddy probably the most. Although I am on this dating site, and am open to dating...its not happening for me. I guess when the time comes, it will come...I'm in no hurry really, as my son needs me far worse than any man could right now.
Please know that it will get easier......My prayers are with you. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/25/2007 8:09:35 PM | My condolences Peter. My heart truly goes out to you.
As for being here on a dating site? I'm sure you'll get different veiws.
Mine however is that you've suffered a great loss and are trying to find a replacement to ease your pain.
Now, I'm not saying it is right or wrong. I will say that you will need time,
time to heal, not only for you but any prospective partner in your future.
You also have to keep in mind that your children may not be receptive to a new woman, So keep your dating life hidden away from them for the time being.
And please, do yourself,,your kids, and future partners a favour by taking part in some councelling.
Im not sure of the area your from , but perhaps there are some grievance councellors in your are that are funded, by united way or other agencies!
Just my take !
Take care | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/25/2007 10:09:17 PM | OP i am sorry for this loss. to answer your Q about dating now. My answer would be a hugh NO.
You have not gone threw all the stages of thoughts, changes for yourself as well as the kids. Your children just lost their mother and I feel this would not be understood by them. ITS TOO soon.
1 year is the time you will need to face your new life. Being without her. The total responsiblityof being sole parent ,the fact that you are now thrown into a different life and thats just for you. Your kids will be going threw alot as well and that will require you. Your total ATTENTION for them.
Don't bring someone else into your life . You'll just be adding to everything else theres to deal with and a new relationship (even dating) will not work. You'll wind up hurting someone along with yourself.
again I am sorry you lost your wife. Be there for your childern 1st. yourself 2nd. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/25/2007 10:26:56 PM | Wow. That was tough to read. I can't imagine what you must have felt like.
I can totally understand wanting to meet someone. You probably more than anything miss the companionship of your wife. I would suggest not getting into any sort of a physical relationship anytime soon. I have dealt with the death of a son and my mom and all I can tell you is that for the next year at least, you are going to go through a LOT. Take your time and grieve your wife. There are stages to grief and they take time. One of the oddest things I remember was when I got home from my moms funeral. It had been quite the event lol. I wanted to call her and tell her about this wacky funeral I had been to...I'd even go so far as to pick up the phone before it registered in my head that it was HER funeral. It takes a lot to completely comprehend 'gone'.
Take care of you and your children. If you ever need an ear to bend, message me! | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/25/2007 10:53:23 PM | Peter first let me say sorry for the loss of your wife and your sons mother. Does your looking make you a horrible person? No. It's understandable that you're looking for some companionship and a sense of normalcy after going through the battle with your late wife.
Are or were you apart of any support group for partners of spouses/caregivers? How old are your sons? While you may not want part of anything cancer related any longer, the support some of those groups offer can be invaluable and especially in offering advice with helping you and your sons cope with your loss.
I've lost friends with breast cancer and I'm a stage 3 survivor(4yrs) so if you need to talk or what info to some support groups just send me an email. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/25/2007 11:44:18 PM |
1.) Does it make me a horrible person to want to search for someone? I'm not lookin to get married next week folks... I really wouldn't mind meeting a female though, that understood and respected my situation. If something develops from that in the future, even better.
No, it is completely normal to have these feelings. But, you need to realize that it is going to take you time to process everything and become whole again. That doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't get a companion. What it does mean is that you should not make any life altering decisions for at least two years. You need that time to rediscover who you are. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 12:02:56 AM | | peter......i am a single dad of 3 little girls........i can assure you that you are not ready to move on, i think that you are frightened being on your own and perhaps a little overwhelmed as life gets back to normal........if you are ready to move on, as blunt as this may sound, i would question the love you had. your letter was full of the word "I"...how are the kids?......and don't you owe it to them to concentrate on them and comfort them...again following bluntness.this isn't about you at the moment, its about your kids..how could you give them what they need if you are concened about meeting a new partner.........actually your post makes me sick to think you are the one left nurturing your kids | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 8:21:31 AM | Peter,
I could not read all of your story as I had tears in my eyes. I just wanted to let you know it is not bad to want to look for company but certainly wait for something serious. You loved your wife very much it sounds like and you still have a lot of grieving to work through. Right now you need friends that will be able to support the emotional turmoil you are obviously going through. Your two little guys need you to be there for them. You will probably get lonely but be wise about rushing into anything right now. Not only will you eventually be getting a new wife but the boys will be getting a new parent. Be objective when looking for the right person and again grieving takes while. I have never lost a partner under the circumstances you have but I have lost a father who rushed into a new marriage after my mother passed and he would admit he should have waited. Total disaster. Be sure and keep in touch with friends and loving family at this time if you ever want to talk just send a note. By the way I have 7 grandchildren I love and want to protect that is where I am coming from in my conversation with you. Keep your kids close to your heart when making decisions.
Take care,
Irishcat | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 8:31:21 AM | Peter,
I have read your post and it broke my heart. I am so sorry for your loss and the loss to your children.
No I dont think it is wrong to be looking but at the same time I agree that right now it is 2 soon to get into the dating again. Find friends, find a group of other's that are in the same situation you are in for support and understanding.
If it is ment for you to be with someone they will find you but right now is not the time for you to go out finding a relationship. You are still greving and will be for a while I am sure, and rather the try to find someone to fill that void of a companion find friends and if things lead into a relationsip then fine but take your time.
Good luck to you and your children! | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 9:39:21 AM | Wow. That's the first time I've sat and read - and re-read a post with tears, and a truly sorry heart.
My heart goes out to you Peter. I can completely understand your wanting a companion right now, which may not be a bad thing, so long as it stays just a companionship. You and your boys need to heal together first. They lost something too, and are going to look to you to fill that void.
I agree - Take your time.
My prayers are with you. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 9:50:52 AM | Thank you all for your kind words. I am actually going to a group session this coming Monday- just if anything to see how it is.
Jali619- you are a complete****- plain and simple... my kids are my #1 priority, I have done and will do anything for them. I'm sorry you perceived it the wrong way, but as I was writing that I had tears in my eyes.
As for the rest of you, thanks so much... i'm going to follow your advice. I will seek a group thing. Hospice has something, and there are a few churchs as well.
My oldest is seeing a theropist... she says he is doing extremely well... so she moved it to once a month. If you have kids, you understand what I mean. Kids are amazingly resiliant (sry for spelling).
Thanks again...
Peter | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 9:28:03 PM | hey peter.. its not disrespectful 2 ur wife or 2 the marriage u had w/her.. had u talked 2 ur wife before she past on about dating another woman when the time is right after she`s gone?.. if so.. what did she say 2 u?.. sorry i haven`t read all the post.. just going by this original 1.. if anything; i`m sure ur wife would want u 2 carry on w/ur life & 2 make the most out of it.. i was on a pallitive care team a few yrs ago & had a few clients in the last stage of cancer.. the majority of them had told me that they wanted their spouse 2 find someone (mind u not right aways.. but eventually)..
what ur most likely feeling at the moment is guilt not just 2 ur wife but 2 ur kids as well.. u wouldn`t be letting anyone down if u should find someone that can make u as happy as ur wife did..  .. and no ur post isn`t completely inappropriate.. ur going threw a process at the moment..
i`m sorry 4 ur loss peter.. i hope u find what ur looking 4..  .. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 9:44:58 PM | Peter and I am sorry for your loss and understand how lonely it must be for you. I can't say I understand what you went through though because thankfully I don't and am greatful for that.
I do not feel you are wrong to want that same kind of closeness again that you shared with your wife. My only advice would be to take it very slow because you are so vulnerable right now and your sons as well.
I truly hope and pray that you can find solace in what you have been dealt and when the time is right you will know it.
(((((hugs)))))
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 11:15:00 PM | Peter after reading your forum it truly touch my heart. ..
I work in people'e homes as a Personal Support Worker.
I get alot of married couples when the spouse is the only care giver & I sometimes I get attach to my clients. Its a good idea to talk about this, great way to meet new people,moving forward, its a new start. It was very brave of you to post your expeince and aswell your feelings towards it. For that I couldn't judge you or think any different. As for being a single parent with your 2 young boys take it day by day with them and I wish you all the luck on this site!
god bless
Genie
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/26/2007 11:35:57 PM | Hello Peter,
If I may suggest take one year away from dating. Spend that time with your two young sons and focus first on them, then on yourself. You have been one half of a complete circle. Now you should focus first on your family and learn to live by yourself first. I can empathize with your situation, and I'll probably never be in your situation as I'm already single right now.
Rushing into dating again may send the message to your sons that you are trying to replace their mother. That would not be right for the new lady in your life to have the potential stepsons resenting a strange woman replacing their mother.
Hopefully you have extended family on both sides able to help and assist you in your time of need.
Warmest regards. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/27/2007 12:57:10 AM | Hi Peter,
My heart goes out to you and your boys. There is alot of very solid advice on this post already and I could not see adding anything different. As someone who has lost someone incredibly special to that disease, I feel your pain.
Be gentle with your soul and the souls of our children. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/27/2007 3:15:06 AM | Hi ,,, I walked in your shoes.. I have your tshirts.. and I can sympathize with you very well.. I was also widowed, left with two kids to raise alone.. It is the most horrific situation to find the one you love dying with a disease you cant control. Taking vows on your wedding day that include 'til death do you part', 'in sickness and in health'. The best advice I can give you about finding someone new.., based on personal experience. Watch out for the gold diggers... I married a man after my husband died.. swept me off my feet, being i had been through so much trauma, just to have someone show me love and compassion.. I fell for him.... well... he stayed with me as long as the life insurance lasted. It was hard enough losing your spouse to cancer.. but at least it helps when you dont have to worry about finances.. now I am left with three kids to raise on widows pensions... alone...living from paycheck to paycheck... Screen them well.... Money is a huge attraction for those kind of people.. and when the money is gone.. so are they...
March 31 1998 was the most painful day of my life.. | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/27/2007 8:35:08 AM | losing a loved one is one of the hardest things about life we all at one time or another have to go through therefore to anyone going thru this... remember
YOU ARE NO ALONE
that being said, we must go thru all the stages of grieving for some kind of closure
however in my opinion.. there is never a complete closure.. it more or less gets put away like a treasured box into the back of the closet that you take out every once while to admire the memories
OP.. i think your main concern is to not upset the memory of your wife by "carrying on" and I can honestly say... only YOU know best because it seems to me as well as others here that you are pretty bright about just what is really going in your heart and your home and your truly care for your children
so my answer is no.. its not wrong.. you are not a horrible person at all
in fact.. you are indeed human
best of luck to you and your family and be careful.. listen well to your heart and soul as you may have to deal with rebounds first before truly carrying on
lastly.. my sincerest consolence | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/27/2007 1:17:44 PM | Thank you again for the kindness i've been shown here... this really does mean a lot to me... and thank you for the advice.
I am definitely going to focus 100% on my kids (as far as personal life goes I mean). My son just started baseball and loves it, my two year old is in a daycare 3x a week and his speech is getting better by the day. (he is a bit slow on speech)
...someone asked the question; Did your wife say anything about meeting someone new?.
In fact she did. She said that she wanted me to be happy and move on. She did have one strong request... and that was to NEVER force them to call her Mommy. I would never do that regardless, still her wish is there and will be honored.
Someone made a comment about gold diggers... thank you very much for that comment, that was actually not something I was thinking about- but it makes a lot of sense and I will now be aware... thank you.
My advice to anyone that hasn't been through something like this is:
Never take what you have for granted, appreciate it always... life is so very fragile and short.
Carpe Diem (Latin for "Seize the Day")
Peter | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/27/2007 3:34:56 PM | Well,
Peter you are a lot braver than I was when I lost my love to Cancer. I still don't talk about it except to people that are going through the same situation as I did -- then only in private. Take your time, lots of it get your head straight then take some more time because I know you have just been through the worst experience in Your/My life. Very few people will ever know the pain of watching a loved one slip a little bit every day, day after day for six months or longer.
Al | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/27/2007 3:51:29 PM | Thanks Turboal...
I can't really say this was the "hardest" part when she was sick... but I was the one taking care of her, taking care of the kids, doing all the house stuff(laundry, dishes, etc...), running to CVS every hour...and trying to maintain my sanity at the same time.
I actually find it very easy to talk about it... there are some parts about the experience that are extremely difficult to even ~~think~~ about...
I can probably run you through every minute, every second of the day she passed. It was the worst day of my life... and the longest.
Weird how time "flies" when you're having a great time... and stops when the total opposite is happening.
... to be honest I feel as though i've experienced a lifetime in 3 months... and I plan to be the hand that catches anyone that needs it should something like this happen to them.
Yeah... anyone.
I know I probably don't have the mental ability to handle it now, but I feel like a much stronger person... | |
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| Widowed father, two little boys... wouldn't mind some advice...
Posted: 5/28/2007 9:19:12 AM | To Peter and everyone here who has lost their love...my condolences. My husband crossed two Christmases ago in a snowmobile accident, and my two sons and I never got to say goodbye. I am grateful he went so swiftly and did not suffer. My heart goes out to those who have had to see their sweetheart go through the trauma and pain of a slow crossing.
I have no advice, as everyone deals with the pain of losing their mate differently. I just have my own experience to speak from, and for me, keeping things as normal as possible was my focus. The first year is definitely the worst, but it does get easier as time goes by.
Be strong for the boys, things will fall into place when the time is right. | |
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