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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 7:24:56 PM | Hi all,
My ex-wife and I are very separated, and our divorce will be finalized in the next few weeks. We have both moved on with our lives, and I've found a wonderful lady who means the world to me.
I'm still dealing with all of the torment and anquish that comes about because of the failed marriage, and naturally that's going to continue for some time. My ex-wife was the one who sought an end to the marriage, and it took me quite a while to remove all of the daggers from my back. I'm dealing with it in my own way with some success, and as anyone who has gone through this knows, it's not an overnight event.
So today I'm perusing the forums, and lo and behold, who's photo do I see staring out at me? Hers. I'm not totally surprised, but I know her well enough to see that her profile doesn't exactly depict her accurately.
So how would you deal with this, seeing your ex's profile on POF? Knowing that there's a chance that you could run into them at a function or get-together, seeing them on the forums, or even the chance that they might try to make your online life miserable? | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 8:23:50 PM | My wasband was the one who told me about POF. Of course, our divorce was final in January of 2002, so it had been a while. He showed up on my first ever POF search. His profile even depicted him accurately. 
I guess that it never occurred to me to be bothered by it. Because, while he and I aren't the best of friends, we are civil to each other and he wants me to be happy, even if it's not with him. Hopefully your ex reaches that point, especially if you have children together (sorry, didn't read your profile). | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 8:24:12 PM | all too familiar.
Just ignore her. She is a stranger now to you and a stranger who is not of any interest to you either. Just pursue your own objectives...And no - she cant make your life miserable online , only yourself can ;) | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 8:26:41 PM | | Although they aren't ex-husbands(thank god!), a few guys I dated are still on this site. I just don't pay attention to them. If we were meant to be, we'd be together! | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 8:29:52 PM | Nope, no kids. There's absolutely no contact between us at all, which makes this whole process a lot easier. My own personal opinion about this whole thing is I'd really rather not know what she's doing with her life. She has decided that she didn't want to be married to me anymore. I fully realize that POF is open to the public and anyone can join, but now I have to worry about her stalking me; she's done it before.
I guess she didn't find what she was looking for on one of those swingers sites. :devil: | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 8:44:18 PM | hi gamer , as you say in your message , you have met someone else ! thats great so let her be your focus , ignore the ex and any comments she makes here! life is too short to focus on the past crap in our lives ! good luck to you both .
charla | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 9:03:47 PM | You can always block her if she tries to message you.
I don't get it. Why would she stalk you if she's the one who filed? That's just odd. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 9:11:44 PM | gamer,
As the others have said, just ignore her..that's IF she contacts/bothers you..you are worrying about something that MIGHT happen! Yes, it's tough but you've met someone else you're fond of so run with it! and so what does it matter if her profile "doesn't exactly depict her accurately"? why should you worry about it? and yes, if you're going to attend a function where they might be and that will make you too upset...then make your choice to go or not go and MOVE ON!
Keep up with all this negativity and sit around thinking about what your ex MIGHT do, and trust me, you will lose the "wonderful lady who means the world" to you (and understandably so).
Good luck to you. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 10:09:25 PM | I'm gonna go against the consensus here and suggest the opposite. I think rather thanignore her just pretend nothing ever happened and that she's a friend; talk to her occasionally, never bring up the relaionship, be nice and listen.
Don't poinson your mind with thoughts like "maybe I can get her back" or "Shit if I could do that I'd have done it and she'd still be here" hard as that may seem. Live in the moment, and pretend she's your sister or whatever it takes just to be normal with her. You won't have to or want to talk to her a lot and even in the face of adversity be calm, gentle and polite.
I think if you just ignore her it's always going to eat at you for never being able to talk to her again. And you can do this if you try and you should as this is probably going to be the happiest you could possibly be with her for the rest of your lives. The Tibetan Buddhists say that even to your ebeny you should say "I forgive you and I love you" and you can do this if you really want to and try.
That'll be $20
I take paypal. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 11:08:06 PM | I'll give a little more background here. About a year and a half ago, I suffered a workplace injury from which I'm still recovering. For the first little while, I was suffering from depression because I didn't know what the future held for me, and I was wondering if I was going to be permanently disabled. That's still up in the air. The one person I was expecting to be there to support me through all of this was my ex-wife (we were still together at the time), but since we were already having problems, her mind was obviously elsewhere.
She decided she couldn't take it anymore, claimed I was dragging her down into depression with me, and she decided that the best solution was to seek solace in another man's arms. She left, and the next day I made an appointment with a lawyer.
We don't have any children together, but a 10 year old dog who has stayed with me. He's the closest thing to a child in our lives. She demanded visitation rights, but I just couldn't bear to face her, since at the time the thought of losing her and all the pain she has caused me was just too much. So I ignored her and didn't return her phone messages on my lawyer's advice. But she kept harassing me and coming over unannounced. One day, it was just the last straw, and I filed the papers. She left the marriage, but I ended it. I knew by that that time what I wanted from life, and she was no longer it.
The last time I talked to her was before Christmas when I threatened her with a restraining order if she didn't leave me alone, and the last time I saw her was in court at the end of January. She's also been trying to get in contact with my mother, attempting to get her to talk me into letting her see the dog, but my mom is firmly on my side.
All of this may not be "stalking", but it certainly is disconcerting. Now that I have a new girlfriend, and it's pretty obvious on my profile that I'm taken, I'm just a bit leery that my ex-wife will try to cause problems if/when she sees my profile. It's hidden, and not available through a search, but it's still accessible through the forums.
I don't want any contact with her at all, and I even told the judge that. I just want to walk away and never look back. Fortunately, we live and work in different parts of the city, so there's little chance of just running into her. But now that she's on POF, who knows? I still attend the occasional local POF event, but will she? Will I have to worry about every time I'm at a get-together with my GF, and my ex-wife shows up to possibly cause a scene?
It's hard to distance yourself from a emotionally traumatic event like a divorce when it keeps following you around, just waiting for the right moment to bite you in the butt.
Oh yeah, one other thing. My GF, who I actually met here on POF, has been incredibly kind, patient and supportive through this whole ordeal, stayed with me when I had to go in for surgeries, and was a good shoulder to cry on when needed. So it's pretty obvious to me that I made the right decision. | |
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Genrae
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Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 11 | |
| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/28/2007 11:48:18 PM | | Move on. You have a new life and there's nothing to be gained but having contact with the ex or by busting her on the site for looking different than her photo. If this relationship caused you that much pain, why would you entertain the thought of not leaving servered ties severed? | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 12:06:15 AM | Thanks for the advice everyone, and you're all absolutely right. I've already moved on, and that sad chapter of my life is finally over. I'll just ignore her presence, and if she decides that she wants to make an issue of it, then I'll deal with that as it comes. I've already proven to those who are important to me that I was the mature one in the relationship, so it's time for me to live up to the high standards I've set for myself. If she causes problems, then that just confirms what I and everyone else already knows about her.
Besides, my GF would tear a strip off her so wide... | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 12:06:31 AM | I found my ex on here one day..
WE have a child together.. inthe section where it asks if he has children
it read "prefer not to say"
I was rather upset that he was denying his child.. even though it is so obvious that the only people who put that on there profile are people with children..
I just said whatever and moved on though.. it annoyed me but there isnt much I can do | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 3:00:05 AM | Um, excuse me for a second.
I don't think anyone has moved on. You don't even hear yourself do you? That's what I find really. People will talk and talk and try so hard to sound convincing. lol. I just sit back and let them. It's really not what they are saying to me anyways, they are trying to subconsciencely say it to themselves.
Listen, I know break ups hurt. For whatever reason. But really, it's not like it just happens. That's a fool who buries their head. lol. You seen it coming, you felt it deep inside, you just didn't head it off, or head it straight on. And then, bamn, you're on here.
Are you serious? Really, truly serious?
"I didn't see it coming, one day I just came home and my wife was in bed with another guy?"
"Wow, dude, I came home from work, and the process server served me divorced papers, she cleaned out my bank account, and took the kids, the car, the furniture, and just served me some damn papers?"
Ok, enough already. I already know you think I'm wacko...lol Nope, I'm not. I can assure you I am healthy and balanced.
Listen, again, please.............I'm saying break ups hurt. And yes, if you are gonna let it come around and bite ya in the ass, then it will. But, really truly, you can leave if you wanted.
But as soon as you say, "hey my ex showed up on plenty of fish, but it's okay dudes, I've moved on, and my new girlfriend is soooooooooooooooooooo understanding, and if my ex wife trys anything my new girlfriend will tear a strip out of her so damn wide".
OOPS!! You ain't over her, or it. lol. If fact, if you don't like the following, better not read it. YOU ARE IN NO WAY READY FOR GIRLFRIEND 'NEW OR NOT'.....PERIOD.
You never ended the hurt, of the breakup with your ex wife. If it's the dog, well, then, walla..................................she's left a line between ya. And you want it there. PERIOD.
It's a damn control thing actually. Yup, kids, should NEVER be used as a pawn between parents that divorced. But, guess what, happens every damn day (my life not included.......someday the kids grow up and can decide for themselves if dad or mom is an ***hole like I think, or just my own opinion and they think dad or mom is the absolute greatest). After age 18, poof, send me an invitation. I don't have to converse with the fathers, and haven't. lol.
Now a dog, um, okay, same thing, it's your kid. But..............if she wants visitation, fine, chain the dog up outside the house, or at a park, go read a book near by and let her oo and aw over the dog. Trust me in time she'll figure out it ain't affecting you and it's more of a bother to arrange a visit for a dog, and she'll move on and quit asking.
But it's a line, a rope, between u both. And you both use it, even got mom involved. Good one there....lol (I can't change my phone number, everyone has it......lol) Well, if they're good enough to have the old one, they won't be mad to get the new one. lol.
Ok, I'm exhausted. This is really too much.
Bottom line.
NEVER NEVER NEVER move on until the baggage is settled and put away into a manageable situation before allowing ANYONE new to become involved. Like yourself again, heal yourself, and yea, embrace the damn hurt of the breakup. Don't run to a dating site, or bar, and pick up someone else, until you do!! | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 3:20:58 AM | hear hear....
if you were truly over her you would have looked at the profile and thought ..good luck to you..
you are making a really big issue out of nothing...
IF she contacts you ignore her.. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:15:47 AM | 
Are u kidding me!?!?! U did say "ex" right? BE A MAN, u making us look pathetic. U dont have to wish her any good luck or anything. However u need to live YOUR life and move on with yourself. SHE IS NOT IT. Thats proly why u getting divorced now... u still tryn to harrass this woman about HER life?!?!
DONT SAY A DAMN THING TO HER!!!
Deleat this thread now IDIOT! She is on this site and will ony be too happy seeing u acting an A$$... further fueling her decision to leave u.
Women LOVE confident men. How can she make ur "online life miserable???" 
What a WUSS. Tough love bruh! Deal with it!
Dude... its called PLENTY OF FISH! That fish dont want U!!!
Let it go  | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:18:25 AM | That is a tough one and will say I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you. I didn't find my ex on POF but he does try to contact me and I so agree that it can be very frustrating and confusing.
There are several roads you can take here, as some have suggested take the high road and wish her well should contact be intiated, which is what I would do. Or, may I suggest, that since your looking for friends and nothing romantic perhaps remove your photos of yourself. After all that is what drew you to her profile that may keep her from finding yours.
Either way, I wish you health and happiness OP - you deserve it. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:36:03 AM | | @op careful...your girlfriend maybe ok with the fact your dealing with an ex for now but eventually she'll loose interest and get tired of hearing bout your ex. No one wants to hear bout it specially when they are moving on with their lives. if your still worried bout what the ex is up to.....then you still have emotional ties of your past relationship. I've been on the recieving line a few times....and never again. if he is not over his ex then its not going to work. do yourself a favour and for the girlfriend...get over the ex. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:48:39 AM | | well seeing as how everyone's world revolves around the internet now adays. there is a good chance that it would have happened. let her have her fun. ya she's not being truthful, but if she meets someone they will eventually find out that she was lying... as for meeting up with her, well just ignore it and keep going with your life. if you think that she will really make your online life miserable there is always the block option... be grateful you didn't end up like my story where you found her profile while you were still together! | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:49:11 AM | my ex is on this site and so is his latest ex
and it is best to forget about them even if they do start sending you nasty messages on here and speak badly about you to other people end of the day it just shows that maybe your ex aint over you and his current g/f or ex thiks that you are compition that she cant handle | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 6:21:24 AM | It sucks but your here and you say already have a great woman , so why r u here ?
You know the saying if you can't beat em join em ! | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 6:47:41 AM | | I have to say the ladies are right...The hardest part is moving on and knowing ,that person no longer thinks or cares about you. We hold on to every move they make ,thinking it somehow means they made it because of us, and we still mean something to them. But no, she did not join to bother you, she joined because she just wanted too. Once you accept it you will be free... good luck too you. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 9:20:40 AM | Wow... I never realized what a can of worms this would open. For what it's worth, I appreciate everyone's comments, even the more scathing ones.
To reiterate: I'll admit that I'm still dealing with the breakup of the marriage. Eleven years of my life is nothing to sneeze at. I AM dealing with it, but like I said, it doesn't happen overnight, and one way of dealing with it is to move on. I agree that it may sound strange that I met someone so soon after my ex left, but I really felt like I had to get back on that horse as soon as possible. I didn't want to be crying myself to sleep, pining over her, or stalking her. I had to get on with my life, and this was the first step. A huge part of this, for me at least, is having no contact with her whatsoever.
I've seen too many people go through emotional trauma much like this, and many of them never fully recover. I didn't want to be like that, so on a friend's advice, I joined POF. A few weeks later, I met this wonderful lady, and we started seeing each other. I told her at the very beginning what my situation was, and we decided to take it slow and see where it leads. She's been a very integral part of my recovery, and we've grown much closer. We've been together for 10 months now, and although we don't live together, having that kind of future together isn't out of the question. I've been very fortunate in finding that she is very kind, patient and understanding, and she firmly believes that my ex was a fool for giving me up. I like the person I am when I'm around her.
I don't bring up my ex when I'm with my girlfriend, since I don't want anything like that to come between us. My GF told me once about a guy she was dating a few years ago, and even though the guy was divorced for 2 years, all he did was talk about his ex. I don't want to be like that. That chapter of my life is over, and now I have something good and positive to focus my energies on.
My marriage actually ended few years ago, and I just didn't know it. So when the end came, it was sort like euthanasia, and it took me two weeks to calm down and start looking at the situation a little more objectively. I've always been a forward looking person, planning for the future and learning from the mistakes of the past. I sleep well at night knowing I did everything I could to save the marriage, but it never works when only one person is trying. I won't go into details here why things fell apart, but she hid the problems she was having from me, and by the time I figured it out, it was too late.
I simply asked people how they would deal with it if they found their ex's profile here. The general consensus is to ignore it and continue on, and that's what I'm going to do. BTW, I'm still on POF because I have made some friends here, and I like going to some of the local events. My profile is hidden and my IM is turned off, so it's not like I'm easy to find. | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 11:10:51 AM | Best of luck and you are on the right track , you have moved on and it is a journey not an overnite stay. Just think your ex has a good chance at coming upon this thread and maybe she'll learn something as well | |
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| Finding your ex on POF
Posted: 5/29/2007 11:13:52 AM | sometimes in order to get over a trama or an issue....talking can be productive and healing. everyone is different but in my case after my seperation of 20 yrs with the ex....i took 5 years to myself...I had no intentions of dating or bringing anyone into my caios life and worked on finding myself again. I personally didnt think it was fair to drag someone else into my emotional times. I know not having to end this, it would of affected the other person eventually in ways.
best to you. | |
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