| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:34:02 PM | | Why do some guys come off all Mr.Romantic and Mr. Wonderful at the start of a new relationship and then peter down weeks later ? The chase is over and the mystery is gone ? Do you realize that you arent as into the girl as you thought you were ? Why run hot and then turn cold ? Is there a way to avoid this ? | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:44:33 PM |
Why run hot and then turn cold ? Is there a way to avoid this ?
Give him oral sex before you even introduce yourself. He'll come back for more.
I hate these sorts of threads. Where is the delete choice? | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:47:07 PM | You got it. Chase is over.
We know that catching the woman is the hard part. Once you got her, she'll likely stick around. It's rare for her to be the one who leaves the relationship. She'll likely sabotage the relationship somehow so that HE dumps her. That way, he's the bad guy, she's the victim.
Women do it too. They hide the crazy bicth inside of them until it's safe to let out.
What both don't seem to get, is that's the person that they fell for in the first place.
It's called: A honeymoon. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 4:47:53 PM |
peter down weeks later
Hey, that's my name you're using there. 
And I don't do any of this "hot/cold" crap. If I don't like you, I'll tell you, I won't waste your time, and I'd hope you'd do the same for me.
And yes, this thread was just done. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 5:49:00 PM | I've wondered the exact same thing.
After a couple of months of really good sex and spending alot of time together and both thinking this is great, all of a sudden. He's gone. How? Why?
My favorite movie that deals with an issue like this is Someone Like You. If you haven't seen the movie, the guy openly says "I love you" and they decide to move in with each other, and bam! He doesn't think he can do this and he doesn't know why.
I have experienced a similar situation not once but twice. Now I'm not saying women don't do this. This is what I have experienced from men
And no, I don't get it. The chemistry is either there or it isn't there and you should know it in the first, I don't know, few weeks/month. Why do men give up so quickly? What's wrong with just giving it a chance to work? Unless of course you're always fighting or just not getting along. That's different. What I'm asking is if everything is great, why do men all of a sudden get "cold feet" ? as it was put to me once. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 8:32:10 PM | "We know that catching the woman is the hard part. Once you got her, she'll likely stick around. It's rare for her to be the one who leaves the relationship. She'll likely sabotage the relationship somehow so that HE dumps her. That way, he's the bad guy, she's the victim."
You could not have said this any better. This is exactly what happened with me and my ex-boyfriend.  | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 8:48:40 PM | "She'll likely sabotage the relationship somehow so that HE dumps her. That way, he's the bad guy, she's the victim."
I have to disagree with that statement. It's lumping us all in the same pile.
I am a loyal person and although after a break up I am angry at the guy, I sit back and think of the things I did wrong. Not often very much but I am not perfectl
I find more men are better at playing the victim than I am. Guess that makes me "tougher than the rest". lol | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 9:20:08 PM | Hi all, I need to vent. I met what I thought was a nice man Vonie on here..actually name John. Would call, would not call, would promise to call, would not call...He was such a nice man but I guess it was all a joke. Claims he works for Sheriff..probably an inmate. I tried to find out why he was avoiding me..and he deleted and blocked me so I did the same to him.
Geez, was not looking for marriage..I think he has a terrible taste for drinking and found the buffet of beauties on here and could not let his drunken brain think about me.
I hope the ladies in the CA - Ardenhim will AVOID him..he is a loser. Thanks. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 9:52:27 PM | | Women are guilty of this on the other end as well. She got him. Now the REAL behavior comes out. Coincidence he's not 'chasing' anymore??? food for serious thought..... | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 9:56:12 PM | Oh , I went out with the queen of hot and cold . It was truly unreal and it was very very difficult . I would get suckered in with super hot and then it would go super frosty within a week , a day or hours sometimes . I'm sure she was a bit "mental" !
I'm not the type to get messed up easily , but this was one wild ride and I don't recommend to anyone.
Some people are very unstable ...
If anyone goes from hot to cold suddenly you were probably not a good match anyways , just move on. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/29/2007 11:15:42 PM | I'll tell you why. Familiarity breeds contempt. At first you are new and that makes you exciting. Later, he notices your imperfections or the times you don't smell so good or your breath is bad. Or you say something to him in a rude or disrespectful way. Perhaps you are selfish. Maybe you stopped giving the BJ's as the guy up above mentioned. Saying no to a request like that is a major turn off. Any of these reasons will turn a man off. Do it enough and you turn him off for good. I doubt you said no when you first started dating. He will want that feeling again, and get it somewhere else if not from you.
It is the woman's job to turn a man on. Do you actively try to turn him on? Do you ask him what turns him on? Do you then proceed to turn him on? If you act selfishly in bed, he will definitely lose interest--that more than any other factor.
It is entirely up to you. I'll tell you this. A man always regrets splitting up with a woman that truly turns him on. I can think of two women I've dated that I would take back in a minute. I'd jump on a plane though for either one.
Do you want to be unforgettable or forgettable? | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 6:34:43 AM | Most girls won't realise what they did wrong because the concept is so alien to them. Most guys won't even know how to express it.
The number one cause of men bailing out of a relationship, is feeling that they have no freedom. This doesn't quite mean being able to do whatever they want, but rather being able to recharge, being able to sit back and simply 'be'.
When a guy is on empty after some intense physical or mental activity, he wants to recharge. To not engage in the world around him and simply let all the physical and mental build-up drain away. Maybe he'll distract himself with video games, TV, reading a book, or playing his favourite musical instrument. It might be as simple as reading the paper when he gets back from work. All these serve the same purpose. You forget the world around you, lose all thoughts in your head, and simply live in the moment. This will leave him feeling restored and ready to start over again. No matter how much he really *does* enjoy spending time with you, unless spending time with you is an absolutely zero-effort engagement (unlikely, you want him to feel intense emotions and get physical from time to time, right?) it's almost certain he needs this recharge time. Almost every guy does need some time to himself, and this is why.
The relationship breaks down when he isn't able to do this enough any more. Every relationship starts with him on a 'full tank'. When he gets low, if he can't recharge, he'll leave you sooner or later. Signs of this are the guys feeling constantly tired, unmotivated, acting distant, needing time apart, and generally not being as attentive as he once was. He might even say he needs space or freedom. It might take weeks. It might take months. It might even take years - but if he can't recharge it will happen.
Here's a hard one for girls to accept: His spending time with you often won't help. It can make things worse - even if you're trying to help. The very act of wanting to help and caring about the way he's feeling puts another concern in his head. If you're so concerned about the relationship, your concerns are going to be in his head 24/7 - if he can't get them out of his head, he can't recharge. If he can't recharge, your relationship is in big trouble.
This is why guys will often run away from clingy or emotional girls. The stress of someone else's expectations can be very draining. The more he sees your concerns, and the more you ask him what's wrong or why things are suddenly different, the worse it'll get.
Ironically, this is often why a guy will change his mind and want to take you back some time after he broke up with you. The time apart allowed him to escape all pressures and obligations, recharge, and so he's ready to be with you again.
I'm sure the 'nice guys' will say they want to be with their loved one 24/7 and will be unphased by any emotional, mental or physical intensity, but the rest will agree with me here. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 4:06:44 PM | Slyknight:
Thank you very much for shedding some light in this frustrating act. What you said does make sense. And when a guy is asked why he is acting this way, like you said, they don't know. How come you can explain it but I don't know of any other man that can? And age has absolutely nothing to do with it.
I recently had an exboyfriend who pushed me away 6 months ago because of this exact thing and came back to my door about a week ago wanting to pick up where we left off . Apologetic for the way he had been acting. I had been seeing someone else when he wanted to come back so I wasn't interested.
Now I am hoping that the guy that I broke up with recently, because of this issue you talk about, will "recharge" and want to come back. I had been giving him space because I thought that's what he/we needed so that this relationship had a chance to last. We went from seeing each other every night to a couple of times a week over the course of 4 months. But at the end of it all, we saw less and less of each other and I couldn't take that anymore. I needed more and was hoping he would compromise a bit. Guess not. Believe me, I was trying really hard not to be demanding. I was asking for something he had already given me so I thought it wasn't a stretch to meet in the middle.
I can admit that I am guilty of some of the things you said in here. As a woman, I like to know where I stand with a man. I don't like "not knowing". Drives me nuts. Insecurity? Maybe. But at the same time I'm like that with everything else around me. Emotional? I guess when I get defensive or my feelings hurt of course. And that can be because of my insecurities. I am not totally blaming him for all of this. I just want back what we had and I just don't know if it's possible to go backwards. But I do wish we could try this again. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 4:26:06 PM |
Now I am hoping that the guy that I broke up with recently, because of this issue you talk about, will "recharge" and want to come back. I had been giving him space because I thought that's what he/we needed so that this relationship had a chance to last. We went from seeing each other every night to a couple of times a week over the course of 4 months. But at the end of it all, we saw less and less of each other and I couldn't take that anymore. I needed more and was hoping he would compromise a bit.
I never like to sound like a jerk but I hope he doesn't want to come back. YOU broke up with him. You made that choice. You should have to live with it. Maybe then you'll understand and not do it to the next guy that needs a recharge.
IMPO, if he does decide to want to get back together, then you should consider yourself lucky.
Maybe you should get your insecurities reined before you start subjecting guys to it? | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 4:29:50 PM | They lost interest?
They chose someone else?
They aren't in the mood?
You got played?
Pick one.
Easy way to avoid this... is be more careful about who you get involved with.
And don't put out too easily... otherwise a lot of guys will just think you're good for a roll in the hay and then move on. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 4:50:37 PM | Ouch!
About the break up, I think I just said out loud what it was he didn't want to say but had been feeling. I mean to make time for me once a week, how can you possibly build a relationship on that? Space or no space. If a woman did this to you, wouldn't you feel like she just didn't want to be with you anymore? My insecurities come from being pushed away.
It's not like I was the one suffocating him. I let him set the pace so I wouldn't crowd him and went along with it because I wanted this. I wasn't demanding of his time but accepting what it was he gave me. But then everything he gave me, he was taking it back.
And the time issue wasn't the only problem in this relationship but seemed to have been the biggest one. I think we would have worked the rest out, given the time.
And yes, if we got back together, I would consider myself lucky.
Suggestions on how to get him back? Yes I know "he has to want to come back".
Play nice in the sandbox now.  | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 5:33:57 PM | I might get flamed by all the men out there but there's another truth here.
Many relationships move too fast from the first feelings of (hee hee I think I like you) to the (geeze, never tried THAT position before...)
Once the mystery has been taken out of the new relationship equasion the excitement naturally dies down a bit.
Some guys are junkies for that endorphin filled rush, the excitement of the chase, the hunt whatever.
When it's over, maybe they loose interest...
I'm not speaking entirely of sex here, but don't give it up all at once. Leave a little to be discovered later.
If you take longer before revealing all of your "special tallents" you'll be able to keep things interesting.
What this does is buy you more time to get him to fall in love with WHO you are, not just what you can do for (to) him.
Sooner or later the physical attraction begins to fizzle in almost every relationship. What keeps a relationship strong after that is the emotional and mental attraction.
And (especially for women I'm told) if there's a strong mental and emotional connection, the couple usually make a point of finding the time to enjoy each other intimately, (which definately keeps the guy into you..)
hope this helps!
-P | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 5:43:52 PM | GREAT comment Slyknight. I never thought about it that way...
Also the bit about constantly asking "how are you feeling" or "is there something wrong?" or "why don't you do ... anymore?"
Big Big killjoys.
Needing a recharge... realy good way to put it.
-P | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 5:55:50 PM | newday101:
You too are right in what you say.
As for the connection, it was funny that we had both said to friends, separately, that we felt we had known each other for a long time. Is that a good thing? Never had that before with anyone. He had asked me to family dinners and other functions and I thought things were good. Then poof. He just stopped. Him pushing me away like that put up all kinds of flags. Did I aks him what was going on? Of course I did but he didn't want to talk about it. You know, have "the talk".
Why do I want him back? Because I believe there is still something deeper than just the physical attraction and given time, everything could work out.
I wish he believed it. And maybe he does. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days but when I think of him and what we had at one time, I get a lump in my throat and my chest gets tight. What does that mean??? Unfortunately it might mean that I should get on with my life. But I'd rather try to work things out. Suggestions? | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 6:31:23 PM | You know from a girls stand point on the recharge bit, I can relate to that, most girls can because they also need to recharge... but sometimes I think men just don't realize that they can be quite shut off, a complete closed book and it can confuse the hell out of us. When your faced with a wall in your path to happyness, don't you want to knock it down or figure out some way through? True to some it can sound needy for a girl to want to know what is wrong, but to the girl, she is asking because she perhaps cares enough to want to know.
Cheers! | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 6:49:09 PM | If you haven't noticed... many guys feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings,
mainly because they don't know how to put their feelings into words, or are scared
of the vulnerability that they feel when they take a long hard look at their inner selves.
It's scary for a lot of men.
1) feeling like he's known you for a long time:
That could either mean a soul-mate kind of feeling, or a been-there-done-that not interested anymore kind of feeling. I'm swinging for the second one as more likely.
2) Wrong to have asked for "The Talk" ?
No, not at all, you wanted communication, you should be able to talk to your man about feelings.
The fact that you felt you NEEDED "The Talk" implies to me that he wasn't communicating with you in the first place...
I was in a relationship for 7 years where my gal was emotionally unavailable. I KNOW how just completely frustrating that can get. I made the mistakes I'm advising against... I'd bring it up and it would almost always end up in an arguement.
Been on the other side too, where a woman I was with would CONSTANTLY ask about where things were going, and how I felt, and what was wrong.
The more she asked, the more I got frustrated and my answers became increasingly shorter.
3)Why do I want him back? Because I believe there is still something deeper than just the physical attraction and given time, everything could work out.
I wish he believed it. And maybe he does. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days but when I think of him and what we had at one time, I get a lump in my throat and my chest gets tight. What does that mean???
The lumpy throat and tight chest are physiological reactions to what you are feeling.
And TRUST ME, they hurt WAY more when you don't know why things have gone so wrong (esp if you think you haven't done anything wrong in the first place...)
Unfortunately the only healthy way to make that all go away is time.
(the unhealthy way of course is diving into another relationship and we all know how those can go...)
Also nostalgia has a way of remembering all the GOOD things about something, you always seem to forget the bad parts... case in point: Childbirth... some women do it more than once... can you believe it? :)
So you may be remembering all the good times you shared together, but what about all those times you were doubting his intentions, emotions, feelings, etc. How did that make you feel.
You may want to take ****Knight's suggestion and give him his space for a little while longer.
But ask yourself if you realy want a guy that treats you this way, and allows you to feel this way, knowing that he's hurting you and prefering to be selfish and not sacrifice his pride or ego, and TELL you how he feels, and give you what you deserve, which at the VERY least is an explanation as to why it didn't work out.
I'd say try once more... call him up after a week and just ask for closure.
He might be playing a game, maybe it panders to his ego knowing he has a girl that's pining for him.
So call him on it, but MEAN it, don't do it just to try to get him back.
Sounds like you have a big heart.
My heartfelt good luck to you darling.
Just keep one thing in mind when things seem like they can't get any worse, at the very worst, six months from now you'll look back on all this and laaaaaugh!!!
Take care,
-P | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 7:19:16 PM | newday101: big hug to you,
Thank you for your advice. I know you are right.
I am loyal and tend to give too much in a relationship both sexually and emotionally. That's just who I am. Two things I have a really hard time with are quitting and shutting out and he has managed to do both. He quit on me before I broke up with him and shutting me out by not wanting to tell me how he was feeling but still kept me at his fingertips.
So while I have already had the invitation to meet for coffee with someone else, it's way too soon for me.
I'm sure he'll miss me sometimes but will his ego be too big to call? Time will tell.
Do I want a man that makes me feel the way he has? I know I deserve better. So maybe in a week's time I'll be able to say "who"? At least it gives me time to figure out why it is I want him in my life.
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 7:41:52 PM | Do women have a lot to learn! Man o man!
OK, ladies. Here is a man's vs. a woman's nature:
Men are self-serving. If they do something, there must be a reward for it. As small and insignificant as it may seem to you women, it is true. You see, women are self-sacrificing. They will give everything they have for their man and their family and not expect anything in return. (remember folks, this is speaking on the macro and NOT the micro, each person is different)
Let's say you go out on a first date. What is the reward for him buying dinner? Let's stay away from sex on the first date. The reward is "Thank you for buying dinner." "Thank you for the wonderful conversation." "I love that cologne" "You look fabulous!"
Yes, men have to have that praise. It fills up his "man tank" and allows him to puff up his chest and be a man. So, when he buys you flowers, he wants to hear about it. He wants you to thank him for it.
Now, being critical of men has exactly the opposite effect it has on women. If a woman tells another woman "that shirt looks awful" then she might not like her saying that, but she will never wear that shirt again.
For men, being critical will actually worsen the behavior you thought you were going to fix by pointing it out. "Why don't you send me flowers like you used to?" "Why don't we have sex as often as we used to?" That leads to the emasculation of men. "Why do I have to tell you over and over?" "Can't you do anything right?" "Didn't we go over this already?" "Can't you just take a hint?"
If a woman is filling my "man tank" I will remember that she mentioned something in February and will actually buy it for her for Christmas. However, if I am being emasculated and everything I do gets critisized, I won't do anything because I will just get beaten down. It is so hard for women to see how good of a man she actually has. However, when she really does (and women can change and be flexable while men can't) work at it, the man responds with even more because he knows when he does even the littlest thing, it gets noticed. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 7:58:53 PM | Sometimes we feel maybe she just isn’t that in to us by her actions.. So we back off and emotionally un-invest ourselves.. why pour your heart in to something your not sure is going to last or that the other person might not be feeling the same as you.
Me for one.. I’m not really I to games to much, so if I feel she is playing them or has a lack luster interest in me.. I will withdraw and back off start looking other places. | |
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| Hot then cold.......why ?
Posted: 5/30/2007 9:52:57 PM | | Most guys know that if you're the nice guy all the time, women will just dump you and move on, because it's no fun being treated like a queen all the time. | |
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