| Top tens, and lists
Posted: 4/29/2005 11:21:54 PM | I know there's a shitload, but there all worthy of reading.... Take your time, kick back, laugh, and add some more.
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TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
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Top 20 things to do while in a drive thru
1.Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2.Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did
not ask the price for.
3.Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with
your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food
through the window.
4.Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a
fight.
5.Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6.Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7.When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window
shopping and drive on.
8.Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9.Ask how they fit into that little box.
10.If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11.Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you
did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12.When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take
yours?"
13.If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell
at you.
14.Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it.
When they come out, drive away.
15.Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16.Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17.Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind
you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18.When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash
from your car in it.
19.Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your
stare.
20.Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
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50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
33. Play the harmonica.
34. Shadow box.
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
36. Lean against the button panel.
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
40. Bring a chair along.
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
42. Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE...BUT AREN'T
10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMM......I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
AND NUMBER ONE.
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.
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100 FUN WAYS TO ORDER A PIZZA
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Stutter on the letter "p."
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
Rent a pizza.
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
Play a sitar in the background.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask to see a menu.
Quote Carl Sandberg.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Try to talk while drinking something.
Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Put them on hold.
Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order term life insurance.
When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Order a steamed pizza.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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20 Ways to Confuse Trick-or-Treaters
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
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Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout:
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, ****!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because
you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
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12 ways to get rid of telemarketers:
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe fro the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male:
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "Thats fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone thats a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, Then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
11. When you're not at all.
12. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge ****off shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10.Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10.Country run by Sicilian murderers
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"10 Ways To Make Your Neighbor Move"
1. Order pizza and other food to their house
and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that
you don't have a phone.
2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a
hose and scream, "I have your life in my
hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each
one and declare them good or bad plants,
while watering the bad ones.
3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate
objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books,
lamps, etc.)
4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their
cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of
bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean
other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.
5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while
carrying a broom. If they come close state
that their is a 3 foot neutral area between
the two yards.
6. At night transplant the plants in their garden.
In the morning say, "looks like they're on the
move again."
7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair
behind their window. Sit down with popcorn
and a drink and ask them if they could open a
window so you can hear too.
8. Build snowmen with name tags of your
neighbors each day hack off a different part
of their body.
9. Use your TV remote to change the channels
on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you
protest such programs. (The more educational
the program the better.)
10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard
with brown grave patches. Make markers out
of household appliances.
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