| | The whole friends after dating thing....Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | Hi all
Just a bit of advice, maybe people that have been in similar situations and how they coped, what eventually happened etc.
I came out of an engagement about a year ago and the person this concerned also came out of a 3 year engagement. We had known each other before and had actually dated as kids etc but now that we are in our mid 20's its entirely different obviously. We started dating at the start of the year and saw each other for 3 months, nothing too serious, just dinners and the like, hanging out blah blah you get the drift. To put it mildly I was very keen on her for a number of reasons. She did emphasise a few times that she was probably not ready for a relationship but it still progressed well and she seemed to take it seriously towards the end.....but...
At the end of March she decides that while she does like me she just can't commit or settle down etc, needs time to be happy in her and be a little selfish with her time. Now that’s fine, I really really like her but if she does not want to commit and I do…..we have a problem. So best to solve it by moving on. Well she continues to say she sees me as more than a friend but commitment is just not her right now, she is always texting me and when we see each other sparks do fly (no sex but there’s that chemistry you know?). And she seems GENUINELY sincere in wanting to stay good friends as we do I admit have a LOT in common. But this is damn hard for me as I see her as more, am seriously attracted to her and really don't want to hear about all the guys I know she is seeing (she’s a very successful and attractive woman), which is fine, but good friends should be able to discuss these sort of things.
I feel my hands are tied here. I do see the benefits of being friends but as long as I feel like this I just think it’s an impossible task and not fair on me!!! And I have lots of other issues in my life right now and it doesn’t help. She seems genuinely insulted when I say it might be too much for me to continuing corresponding with her on a regular basis. And while I have told her a few times "just tell me there is zero chance and then I can get on" she says she can't do this which does not help either. Then I get a reply like "yes I know we are funny friends and flirt a lot but that’s how it has to stay for a bit". It’s very frustrating.
This must sound so sad, and it does to me. I have normally been the dumper and not the dumpee in previous relationships but now I am starting to have a whole lot more compassion for some of my past partners, Karma I guess. Any advise, previous experiences, or help greatly appreciated. I’m sure this topic has been done ad nauseam but oh well.. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 6:25:10 PM |
I feel my hands are tied here. I do see the benefits of being friends but as long as I feel like this I just think it’s an impossible task and not fair on me!!! And I have lots of other issues in my life right now and it doesn’t help. She seems genuinely insulted when I say it might be too much for me to continuing corresponding with her on a regular basis.
It may be that she is used to being the dumper too and is playing you. Get away from that situation. It sounds like poison to me. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 6:33:55 PM | "She seems genuinely insulted when I say it might be too much for me to continuing corresponding with her on a regular basis. "
If she were your friend then your feelings would be important to her. You have told her this hurts you and you are not ready to be "just friends". Since she does not want to let you take the time to heal, she either she wants you as her back-up guy or she is too insensitive to care about other people. Take your pick. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 6:35:50 PM | | Shes definately been the dumper in all her past relationships. Just that way inclined I guess. Although her 3 year engagement was a 'mutual' thing, and I don't really think theres any such thing, so maybe she got burned there. She is genuine in the friends thing, we play to a high level the same sport, and we know a lot of related people. But even if intentions are good it can still act as poison I guess?............ | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 6:40:28 PM | Ah dude..... She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and so do you. But this is feeling thing for her....... and a trust issue..... You lacked telling us if she has had any other pain other than her previous relationship.... if so, she could be really commitment shy to say the least......
I had something similiar one time only...... and I walked away..... knowing she cared, but got the same excuse you are getting now.....
We stayed friends, and I left it at that, while she dated and so did I.....We eventually drifted apart.......
My Grandmother ( god rest her soul) always used to tell me, " What is meant to be will be ".... and I believe if you tell her that you wish her the best but you must move on, that she will either let you go entirely....... OR, she will come running to you with the confession of what the restraint is that she is experiencing, and the two of you can move past it and have her desire what you desire also......
Otherwise, your setting yourself up for more and more heartache...... Its not the term " She is stringing you along" thought to others it would appear that way....it really comes down to , " She is avoiding commitment for a reason"....... Walk away and let her figure it out, but make your feeling very clear to her before you do, then walk......
Good luck to you guy..... You seem intelligent, so I'm sure you'll do the right thing... | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 7:16:09 PM | Thankyou going forward. I think she was 'upset' if more than anything for the first time in her life when her engagement failed and this is where the issues stem from. But I never really pushed it, the last thing you ever want to do is push someone into a relationship with you.
I think I do need to tell her what you have recommended, and I know she will be upset, she said she would be upset before. But I can not go on like this, Im doing fine but its just a constant up and down, almost a viscous cycle of trying to move on then you get the call, talk and it all seems so good blah blah. Im just worried she will think a lot worse of me if I break ties but I just have to look after myself! | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 7:31:37 PM | OP, this is a tough spot to be in, I've been in it. On one hand you think if you walk away, you may lose your chance with her because you are not around spending time with her and establishing more of a relationship. On the other hand, say you stick around and she is dating other men and not only hear about it, but potentially loose out to someone else. And you are right, it is not fair to you. If your feelings towards her were simply platonic then this would not be a problem, but they are not and your feelings and more importantly your heart is on the line.
I also can't help but wonder if she isn't wanting a little cake and eating it too action. You could end up being her back up plan and no one deserves that, it hurts .
I think the best thing you can do right now is put some distance between the two of you. She could go out and date some men and figure what she wants and she may just come back to you. As for you, go and live your life, go and find someone who wants to be with you right here, right now. Don't let someone else decide your fate. You can tell her that because of your feelings for her, you can't deal with the situation as it currently stands, but in your heart you are still her friend and you will be back as her friend when it feels right for YOU. If she truly cares for you, she will understand this. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 7:35:54 PM | It is difficult to understand the whole dynamic of your situation -- but my advice --- take a long hike.
Don't burn any bridges - but BUCK UP and don't contact her - PERIOD! Just find some distractions - make new or renew male friends that got lost somehow. Find some energetic sports activities - anything that makes you sweat and do the guy thing - macho stuff.
Hanging around her - calling - whining - can become groveling. Women - real women do not like or respect weak men. Don't be disdainful to her - but don't be totally aloof either - if she calls and is still distant in her attitude - don't talk long - be polite - BUT you have to be off to something meaningful - you can't disappoint the guys - it is game time - soccer, basketball, softball - whatever - somewhere - HANG UP and go!
Just find a life of involvement and distraction - positive as you can make it.
She may come around with a whole new attitude -- and she may not.
Expand your horizons - create distractions.
Joe | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 7:49:30 PM | | Listen man she is the one hanging on not you, get it, you obviously favor a clean cut and it should be unless you want continued heartache every time you talk to her or see her. You are describing her as fickle, undecided, unable to commit. She has dumped you man get used to it, only she knows she can call you and tell you anything because you will listen and respond, funny friendship if only one takes the others thoughts into consideration don't ya think? Advice cut it clean and be done with it, but I'll give you an eaasy way out, tell her in your own words of course, go sow your oats, have fun, and you are going to do the same if in the future she decides to take you seriously for a relationship then let you know, you two are definitely not on the same page, and the distance is growing, sorry man don't intend to sound mean, but been there, if she is looking for someone else, promise she will find it. | |
|
Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 10 | |
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 9:04:20 PM | Three words ...
d o n ‘t d o i t
In my thinking you are far better off killing all contact with her.
I’ve said it a million times - a guy hanging around a gal as a friend (when he would like it to be more) is one of the most destructive things he can do to himself.
The longer he hangs around her - the larger loss of self esteem/confidence/self worth/self pride.
THEN ... before you know it .............. oops they bOinked and it gets worse after that. Much worse.
Kill all contact with her now and get the heck out of there before you cause yourself emotional damage.
Many gals have the “habit” of using the friends word. Even if they have interest the make they mistake of saying “friends”. If they say that to me - it is OVER. I now have the ability to totally FORGET a gal - before I get very interested in her if she starts with ANY FORM of friends.
After the relationship starts up - yes - you best be friends - best friends. But during the start up that word is the deal killer for me - I know better.
I might continue to talk to a gal after she has said something about friends but ...
She won’t even know it but I am finished with thinking of her as a potential girl friend. The correspondence usually dies off - if for no other reason - she can tell I am backed away (not showing any kind of boy/girl interest anymore). | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 9:13:21 PM | Start fresh with someone new and don't keep in contact with her anymore even if she begs you to come back after you've already moved on.
She'll only break your heart again. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 9:27:28 PM | | Thanks to all for those strong words, looks like general consensus is tell her the whole friendship thing is just not working for me, I am always here if you REALLY need me, but that’s it. If anyone has a different perspective please let me know but I think I know now that this is the right call. | |
|
| |
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 10:07:49 PM | Tell her the exact same thing she told you; that you need some time to yourself and you need to be selfish, and for now that means not being around her. I find it a little odd that while she told you she doesn't have time or interest in being involved with you, she has time and interest to be with other guys, and then want to tell you all about it. Thats not a friend, or someone who really cares about your feelings.
I've had to deal with this myself in the past. My "friend" knew how I felt about her for a long time, and yes, there was always that spark and all the inside jokes and what not that go with it. If you had seen us out in public you likely would have thought we'd been together for years and were a very happy couple. I waited and waited for her to be "ready" to be with me, after she broke up and moved out of her ex's house. I was patient, I was a good friend, I supported her when she went on some bad dates in an attempt to get back in the game. Hell, I even helped her move twice...lol We finally had our first date, and after a movie, a bite to eat and lots of laughs, we spent most of an hour or so rolling around on my living room floor playing (all clothes on), and then she left and went down the shore for a girls weekend. I was on Cloud Nine, thinking it was finally going to happen between us (and she said she felt the same), and was looking forward to being with her at a barbecue that Sunday, which we agreed was when we would next see each other. To my surprise however, she showed up with another guy, and a real mook too! What scared her in the end (and she told me this later) was that she knew with me it would be the real thing, and she wasn't ready for that yet. The fact that she didn't tell me that before I showed up at this party, only to look foolish and hurt, brought home to me that I was wasting my time with her. We stayed friends for quite some time after, and I stood by her thru 2 marriages, but I never again considered being involved with her. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/6/2007 11:00:54 PM | Ron9
Even when we were seeing each other she would only refer to me as her friend etc, or good friends that dates. Seems its pretty much like you said. But hey thats all good! as far as I am concerned I can move on now! I am a little sad because even beside all crappy emotional stuff I do love spending time with her but its just too difficult right now. Much like lovers, partners or marriage I guess if we are meant to be friends we are and it will work out, but it can't progress when one party does not see things in the same light.
Thanks for all the replies. You all helped. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 1:21:25 AM | Good luck to you andrew, I think everyone here agree's that a friend in a love relationship is one sided, and one person is going to get hurt here...YOU!..... The girl you seek its out there.... maybe not on here, and maybe so....but if you spend all your time waiting for this one, you might miss out on the one you are truly to be with.....
I am a perfect example of this...... (See profile)...... and I thought it was the end for me, when I went through your situation, but now I couldn't be happier....
And to think she wouldn't of never told me, had I kept sticking around waiting on this other girl...... I walked away, from what I thought was the silver lining....and instead, ended up with pure gold......
Good luck Andrew.... | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:48:20 AM | | Friends with the ex - never, no way. If things were good, they wouldn't have ended. Having peace of mind is better than having an ex as a friend. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:25:40 AM | You had a casual relationship for about three months - during this time she has discovered that she is not ready for a serious relationship just yet and has been completely honest with you regarding this... fair play for giving herself time out to "be a little selfish".
Perhaps its time to take time out yourself and follow her lead - its only been a year since you ended your engagement and you got into another relationship a short time later which you want to take further. From reading between the lines anybody will do you. You sound like you are completely terrified of being on your own. "Always the dumper" translates to "serial relationship hopper", one who finishes one relationship only when there is someone there to take her place...
Good friends are very hard to come by - don't ruin it for yourself. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 6:46:28 AM | It sounds as though she would like to have you as a back up in the event her other relationships don't work out. I think she's enjoying the attention she is getting from the opposite sex, her status and independence, and just isn't ready to let that go just yet.
And you stated that you are both in your mid 20's, both have been engaged before, so maybe she just wants the opportunity to date around without being in yet another long term relationship.
If she's dating around, then you should as well. If anything, it beats looking at 4 walls. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 9:01:54 AM |
So best to solve it by moving on.
You've answered your own question, OP. Follow your own advice... you'll be happier that your dignity is intact. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 12:33:39 PM | | No way am I terrified of being on my own! I was an only child and have probably spent more of my life fromt he age of 18 out of relationships than in. Play a lot of sports and have a busy career so I don't think it's that. I have no problem with her decision, its her life! But it just this whole hanging round after and the constant contact which is making it a little different. I am not staring at 4 walls though I am still out and about a lot! But I thank you all for your replys I think I have through help here got the right path to lead down here now. TY | |
|
.john
| | Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 22 | |
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 6:14:28 PM | well,from my own experience,i have been very lucky and have stayed friends with all my ex girlfriends,its got a lot to do with who you pick....
thanks
john | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 6:37:15 PM | I totally agree here Let HER go..... I know its hard but We always want the ones we can not have or the ones who no longer want us.... !!!! You will have more pain if you stay and wait it out.. Dude... relax and have fun.... see other people go out with friends but put some distance not alot.. be friends but not like you wanna be friends... look around keep your head up Be Strong..!!! Love will find you..!!!  | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 6:43:14 PM | When my ex left in January she said we'd be friends. I haven't heard from her since she moved out of our old apt. I talked to her after I moved out... but she obviously didn't care about it.
If you don't feel comfortable being friends, I say "screw it". It's destructive to be friends with someone that you're in love with that doesn't want to be with you. | |
|
| The whole friends after dating thing....
Posted: 6/7/2007 6:49:31 PM | Never works.
It might work if two people mutually decide to break up and have specific living and work situations.
But that rarely ever happens. There are rarely any "mutual" breakups out there. Usually one person does the dumping and the other gets dumped. Usually the dumper has more dating options than the dumpee. Not always, but often.
It's a good way to get pain and suffering without any of the sex and affection.
I'm a bridge burner. Good luck to those of you who are not. | |
|
Home
login 