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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out      Home login  
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 michman2
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 1
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?Page 1 of 1    
If you're on this site then you're probably like me. You're sick of watching your friends and family display their contentment with their relationships with their wives, husbands, or lover of some sorts. I'm a single guy in search of my soulmate and finding a hard time dating without hurting feelings. being a man that doesn't want to "settle" I've found that if I go on a date and the sparks aren't there, that I don't know what to say to her that will communicate my feelings without making her cry. I don't want to give up dating, but I can't stand hurting the feelings of good people that just aren't my type. Does anyone have a plausible solution to this problem?
 mlm_mlm_mlm
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 2
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:05:11 PM
What I would do is just get to the point, saying something like:
I'm sorry this is not going to work, I wish you well.

The problem was after that many wanted to know why... and that is when you had to be very gentle as you don't want fatal attraction.
Most did not take it well but there is no "easy" way to say its not working.

The goal is to break it off and you have to do what you have to do and communicate its not going to work. If they cry, then there is nothing I can do...
just exit as soon as possible after telling them... they could get violent and crazy from my experience.
 WeAreAllMadeofStars
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 3
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:08:35 PM
If you are honest and kind about it, then you have no control over someone else's response. We are all responsible for the maintenence of our own self esteem, and handling uncomfortable news that we don't necessarily want to hear is a part of life. I personally prefer to hear it straight up. Being assertive, and being mean are two different things. My humble opinion

Keep the shiny side up!
 *cee~cee*
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 4
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:17:49 PM
OP... in one date if you can tell that there aren't sparks then that's OK! If that makes someone cry... it's their problem not yours. As the other poster said... you can't control the reactions of others, only what you say and do and how. They're the ones that choose to let it hurt. It sounds like you're very sensitive about how you approach it ~ and that's good. But please don't worry about it. You have to do what's right for you and if who you're dating isn't the right one, then it's better to get it out of the way early on than drag it out.

I personally would rather someone be honest with me from the get go... as I would with them. I have a lot more respect for that than anything else. And perhaps these women that choose to let it hurt and cry over it love that you're honest and that part is what makes them sad. Finally an up front, nice guy... but no sparks. *sigh* Ya get me? Just keep being true to yourself and continue to be optimistic about finding that fishy that you will finally have sparks with!
 .john
Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 5
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:18:58 PM
you should say from the start im looking for friends not romance ,hopefully they wont get their hopes up in the first place.
cant say im such a magnet that ive reduced many to tears,maybe tears of joy that the date is over!

nice thread
thanks
john
 Tysta
Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 6
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How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:20:44 PM
Well I think it best not to talk for weeks and get huge expectations up and feelings involved. If you meet right away and just aren't feeling it they shouldn't have anything to cry about. Just tell them when you walk them to the car after meeting, I am glad we got a chance to meet but I'm really not feeling the spark, I'm sorry. Hopefully they are mature enough to take it gracefully and thank you for the meeting as well. I'd rather someone be honest with me then lead me to believe everything went well and then poof on me or avoid me. If they ask why just say, I don't feel the spark...people usually agree that can't be forced but really you owe them nothing more then that.

C~
 Soleil24
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 7
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:23:55 PM
You say it the same way you handle any bad news you have to give someone. As gently, compassionately and respectfully, as possible.

We are adults. We are each capable of handling negative situations. I believe in compassion. But treating someone like a fragile egg is not compassionate, nor respectful.

 Olygirlwild
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 8
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:27:53 PM
If the sparks are not there for you, chances are, the feeling is mutual.
It could be that she is waiting for the right words to tell you the same thing.

Also, for some people, no matter what you say, there is going to be DRAMA.

You can't help that one.
 mystry
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 9
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How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:43:49 PM
We are adults. We are each capable of handling negative situations. I believe in compassion. But treating someone like a fragile egg is not compassionate, nor respectful.

well said in fact its insulting
why do people feel that they either have to lie or be mean thats just cowardly
just be up front and even though she might feel a tad hurt she will be left with some self respect that u respected her enough to treat her like an adult not that you treated her like some school girl idiot who cant handle life geeezzz ohh the poor woman lol
i dont want to hurt her thats just you wanting to look like a nice person when in fact your not . being nice genle and upfront is being a nice person.
 crashingchloe
Joined: 5/3/2007
Msg: 10
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:51:29 PM
I read most of the the responses here. If you take a line or two from each and compile and approach dating with a methodical approach.....

you still can't win them all...

Be true to yourself. As long as you are not a serial dater aimlessly moving from one date to the next in hope that the candy tastes better the next time around, then you have done all that you can.

You are going to meet the drama queens, your going to meet the low self esteems and your going to meet the brashed and insulted types...and once in awhile your going to meet someone that had pulled up their big girl panties before coming out, who is going to smile at you and wish you well as you both end the date peacefully.



CC
 hyacinth1974
Joined: 5/17/2007
Msg: 11
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 8:15:44 PM
[in singsong voice]

Breaking up is hard to do.....


Sorry OP
 kkiirrkk
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 12
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 8:44:03 PM
You don't. In matters of the heart, someones going to get hurt. Better the temporary tears now, rather than false deception thru a longer period of time. I know its easier said than done, but really, its the best way.

No matter what the justification or who the rejectee is, it hurts.
 candyman
Joined: 1/13/2005
Msg: 13
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How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 9:04:28 PM
Be honest, if she's not your type, tell her so. Some will get their feelings hurt but most will be glad that you were honest. I've been looking for that one person but haven't found her yet. But I have made some realy nice friends.
 summer30349
Joined: 5/18/2007
Msg: 14
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:21:20 PM
I have met people tha t the chemistry wasnt there so I did try and tell them that i felt we where going into different directions in life and they should find someone more into what they where into. But some people dont quiet understand you are trying to let them down easy,,,,,,But its best to do it that way than to have someone calling and wanting to see you and you are always busy and will get toether soon.be honest and sincer about what you say.Sometimes feelings will still be hurt I know mine have been before.
 bunnii
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 15
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:25:01 PM
If it's after a first date....I don't know why it would be hard to be polite and say "no thank you". I am sure women can appreciate an honest and decent man telling them upfront that it will not work....instead of not calling and leading them on.

I say just be polite, friendly and never give a false impression, any mature woman can understand that. ...be sure to let us know how beautiful we are though....hehe.....
 *NauticalStar*
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 16
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:25:12 PM
If you've gone out with someone but you didn't feel any sparks then be 100% honest. Yea it's going to hurt but TRUST ME when I say that it hurts way less then telling a little white lie to spare someone's feelings. I've had a lot of guys do that to me lately, and it doesn't feel good. If you don't feel something for someone, tell them but also wish them luck and try and end it on good terms. Don't ever lie thinking it will work out better that way, because it won't.
 InSiGhT_62
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 17
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:27:05 PM
sh*t..... tough subject..... girl's and their emotions.... lol come on now.... I think they'll get over someone they met once pretty quckily. Best possible situation..... tell her before hand she's not ur type.... not everyone is going to suit ur preference... and most likely she probably thinks the same, and is too nice to say something to u..... end the date there or go on and have a good time with a new friend...... stay positive......
 Smart-Blonde
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 18
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/7/2007 10:42:44 PM
If someone likes you and you don't feel the same, you will always hurt their feelings. But you can do it with tact and honesty. I have found just saying "You are a great person, but this isn't working for me" If they ask why, just say.... "It is my personal feelings and how I think or feel, someone else might not"
 desertwind
Joined: 5/25/2007
Msg: 19
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:06:35 AM

OP... in one date if you can tell that there aren't sparks then that's OK! If that makes someone cry... it's their problem not yours.


could not have said it better myself. in my few experiences with ending things i found that saying "it isnt working out" is not a bad thing to say. now if you give a reason why it isnt working out that they dont like it can get ugly, sometimes people dont want to hear the truth.
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 20
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:16:15 AM
it may suck to do , but it's a necessary evil I'm afraid.

It would hurt the person a lot more if you didn't say anything and let the relationship (and feelings) progress even further.

the neat thing about life is that we all get rejected, and in turn, do the rejecting at some point in time.
 exuberant1
Joined: 3/13/2007
Msg: 21
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/8/2007 3:33:20 AM
Alot depends on your actions before and during the dating ----

1) don't be calling and swooning over someone on the phone for days, weeks before the meeting......just get face to face
2) don't talk about or have sex with her until you know if you have an interest for more
than that
3) just like removing a bandaid --- quick and to the point --- don't keep calling her with obligatory contact which she can tell are half hearted and mechanical.....just do it.
 Tramp
Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 22
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/8/2007 4:00:32 AM
michman2, it is better to tell right away, if the other does not get it.
Why give the illusion of something which is not there?
It would hurt more later, after a long time of faking.
 Tramp
Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 23
How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/8/2007 4:02:25 AM
... and of course being sensitive about it would help, but sometime it does not work; so, even when are thought of as mean, tell it as it is.
 TragicallyHip
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 24
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How do you tell someone you're dating that it's just not working out without hurting them?
Posted: 6/8/2007 4:05:03 AM
Have you seen all the threads on these forums posted by women wondering "why he didn't call" or some variation on that theme? I know it's hard to tell someone you are not into her, but according to all the women who post the aforementioned threads, it's better to know than to be left hanging.

Just a simple, "I think you are a great person, but we are not a match" should suffice. Hey, it's tough out there in the dating world, and sometimes you just got to cowboy up.
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