| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:10:39 PM | So here's the deal. I'm 30 years old, never married, and have no kids. I can truly, honestly say that I've never felt that deep-seeded feeling that I want to have kids, a family, etc. I've talked about it with a couple of my close friends, one of whom has a son, the other who does want a family at some point, and the feeling/thoughts/etc they have...well, I've never had. I understand the psychological reasons why, and won't bore you with those. The fact remains, I do not want kids to the point that I'm strongly considering a vasectomy.
The question that I have is, would you respond to an ad, date, enter into a serious relationship, etc., with a guy like that? Say this guy is exactly what you're looking for in a partner, EXCEPT he doesn't want kids? Are you willing to give up that part of you to ensure you're long-term happiness with one man?
I don't know why I'm asking. Probably because I'm sure that's probably the biggest reason I get a lot of looks, but not much more beyond that on a posting (here or anywhere). I'm a decent looking guy, stable, successful, not psychotic, and have all my limbs. Granted, there's other factors involved (not every girl goes for the big, bald, biker looking guy, for example ;)) but I believe the kid/family thing is the biggest hurdle.
Maybe this was more of a 'getting this off my mind' thing then a question, so I appreciate you reading. :) | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:12:13 PM | I want to have kids but it's not a requirement. If a guy I was seeing didn't want kids but he was perfect for me, I would be happy just being with him. I dated a guy that couldn't have kids and I was fine with it. Some people just really want kids. For me I can go either way. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:25:49 PM | I do look forward to being a mommy someday so for me personally... no I wouldn't respond to someone who wouldn't be interested in having children in the future.
I dated someone once who never wanted kids and that spoiled so much for me. I don't know why I stayed with him as long as I did because I knew we could never have a future together never being on the same page on that topic.
Different plans for our future... not good.
But I do know women who don't want kids ... it would really depend on the woman herself. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/7/2007 11:51:52 PM | | I've always wanted kids, either of my own or adopted, for as long as I can remember. It's very important to me, so I wouldn't want to date someone who is 100% dead set against having children. To me its one of those major deal breakers. I shouldn't have to compromise something so essential to what I want out of life and nor should he. If I were to enter into a relationship with a man dead set agianst kids, one of us would have to make a major sacrifice. I'm sure there are enough people out there though that I could find someone stable, successful, decent looking, not psychotic, with all their limbs (all the positive qualities you claim to posses) who is also in the 'pro having kids' camp, just as you will probably find someone out there suitable who is in the 'pro no kids' camp. It's just one of those major issues where compromise just isn't possible. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/8/2007 12:14:19 AM | When I was thirty, I was single mom of three with an open door to dozens of neighborhood children. If you met me then (as a 30 yo) and said you didn't want bio kids, I'd be cool with that as long as you could handle the madhouse I already had. I still struggle to respond to the exbf from 10 years ago when he asks why we didn't have a baby, why we can't now...Cuz we can't hardly take care of the ones we already have!
It's toned down some since I turned 39. I only have one left and the mad house is only an occasional situation. I don't want more kids. Grandkids could show up any year now. Madhouse could return. Again, how comfy are you with that?
Then there is my discomfort with bringing a man into a home with a 12 yo girl. She'd probably be 13 or even 14 before you got to meet her. It's not unusual for me to put it off for months. So, the whole having children thing is a part of a marriage I'd be in no rush to enter, a blended family that I regard as problematic, and I'm too fricken old to be popping rug rats out. Baby factory is closed.
Now, when I meet a man who says he doesn't want children, and he's between 20 and 40ish, my first thought is, what if he changes his mind in five or ten years? He can. I can't.
Jeannie | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/8/2007 1:03:01 AM | | The way i think of it is, i want kids someday....later. Otherwise all the cramps and bloating would be all in vain. I don't want kids tomorrow, but someday. You said that you don't want kids or a family. Does that meen that you don't want to get married? because i would consider that a family. I have female friends who don't want kids either, but for me it would be a deal breaker. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/8/2007 2:14:43 AM | | I'd actually appreciate a guy that couldn't get me pregnant because childbirth would be very difficult for me. I know I'm young but I've never desired having children (maybe it comes from the 11 years of babysitting... Sure they are cute to look at lol) and I don't really see that changing. If it does and my partner mind changes as well we could always adopt. I really don't see the point in needlessly adding to an overpopulated world when there are already tons of children without families. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/8/2007 2:48:59 AM | Well there are definitally women out there that feel the same. They don't have any desire to have children...and maybe thats who you should approach on here when you are browsing through profiles.
Personally I want a family, and preferably would like to have my own children if possible...so it would not work for me. I can't force that big of a decision on a partner that doesn't want it and I couldn't live with changing my own desire..I would resent the person in the end.
But as I say there are definitally women that don't feel the same. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/8/2007 3:58:25 AM | Hey Green------like yourself I NEVER wanted kids--ever. In fact at no time can I recall thinking it would be a good idea for me to be responsible for them. Given that I always had a choice in the matter I was never conflicted about this and to date it's probably been the best choice or decision I've ever made. I don't hate kids but know deep down I wouldn't have much tolerance for them which is pretty much how I grew up.
Thoughts like ours sometimes are met with claims that once we had kids our minds would change or in my case it's been said my own childhood would be a great "training ground" for me since I'd somehow, magicially and mystically NOT repeat my younger year experiences. Initially I'm insulted but then have to realize that sort of thinking comes from a parent who probably has always entertainted the idea of kids-----certaintly not someone so very much against it.
Kids are great and should be raised by preferrably two parents who will strive to be the best they can with that huge responsibility. As a parent you're expected to "be there" for your children regardless what they create and quite frankly I've never seen myself being able to accept this. I've seen the heartbreak an errant child has caused a parent and I know without a doubt were I in that same situation I could NOT forgive them or think if it as just a child learning their way in life.
Obviously I see nothing but the downsides of having had my own kids and so far it's only affected one relationship-----a marriage. There are women who will share your views but at your still young age it will continue to be an issue for a few years yet. If you date close to your age or younger it might be more of an issue or "deal breaker" and that's okay, too. As long as you are upfront about your own desires and let them be known with no doubt BUT in a polite and semi-friendly manner then you've said about all you can----the rest is up to a potential girlfriend.
Do keep in mind SOME women think kids are a natural occurrence to any sort of long term relationship and like my wife will think, hope, wish or assume somewhere "down the road" they'll be able to change your mind about this. Be careful who you keep in your life since an unwanted preganancy would be your worst nightmare-----if you feel as strongly about this as I do or did. Kids are a life time responsibility and commitment and are not for everyone! | |
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Djinni
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Joined: 4/17/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/8/2007 11:10:52 PM | in the wicked world of ironies, it is guys like jwa who make the best fathers, and those ones who love their children so much that they can't stop makin'em, I pretty much parent through my work and their relationships through my children.
I'm in favor of paid sterilization.
Dude on the street. I will give you 20 grand to get cut. Do you know how many millions that would save taxpayers?
Jeannie | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/9/2007 6:14:42 AM | Actually, I recently read an article in Macleans Magazine that has the fertility rate of Canada down to a 1.62 children/woman (it takes a rate of 2.2 to replace ourselves), where most children are had when women are in their early 30's. A new trend is emerging where women want to consolidate their careers before they have children, if they have children at all (due to anti-family tax, company, etc policies).
So, basically, what you're looking for is a strong-minded business woman who doesn't want children because they would impede her climb to the top of the career ladder.
Maria XOXO | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/9/2007 7:43:27 AM | ^^^^ yes this is so true, and I am usually first to jump on that band wagon, to promote young women to gain a career and love life to the full with experience of the world rather than have a child. I have one child, and at times I would like another if the right guy comes along.. however it's not first on my things to do list... and would be quite content with a guy not wanting kids (and not having any even better)
Possibly the fact that my daughter is up now and the fact I would never expect a new partner to do things as a step-father either and the thoughts of the dependancy of a child throws me off... I think it would be difficult in a relationship if the other did/didn't want children.. it would cause a strain on the relationship and the so called perfect partner wouldn't be anymore... you have both got to want the same things when it concerns a baby. It's a huge responsibility to throw off to a whim.
(I have probably just talked myself into not wanting any more AGAIN!) 
Probably it's harder for women than men to decide such a thing of not wanting children, due to the mother insitinct factor.. and biological clock | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/9/2007 9:28:45 AM |
in the wicked world of ironies, it is guys like jwa who make the best fathers, and those ones who love their children so much that they can't stop makin'em, I pretty much parent through my work and their relationships through my children.
Sorry but this sort of thinking really aggravates me because it almost totally ignores the point I was originally trying to make. There is NO WAY in he77 a person's ability, desire or eventual effectiveness as a parent can be assumed until a child has grown and perhaps had children of their own. I'm sure this was meant as a compliment but it's one of those comments or thoughts that push a hot butt0n with me.
I've often asked those who make this sort of comment if they'd be willing to risk a childs development upon such a flimsy assumption? I know myself well enough to see just enough of my parents in me and that's quite troubling for a variety of reasons. The choice to NOT have kids is much easier to live with than hoping, wishing and praying I'd do well in that task. Citing an extreme bad example perhaps but if I "did my best" to raise a kid but yet somehow failed to provide the necessary direction and all else only to have said kid assualt/rob/kill someone where does the "fault" in that lay? Even though I'd done all I was willing or capable of accomplishing the end result would still be one more punk let loose upon society. Ask yourself is that possible outcome really worth the risk with someone like me trying to raise a kid? I think not!
I've often thought having children should be far more complex and require even more training than medical doctors go through---we'd have a lot less criminals or people who reach adult age still dealing with the BS "parents" have visited upon them---all in the name of "doing my best..............."
LOL Not much into kids am I ???? | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 6/9/2007 9:41:55 AM | | No, I would not respond to someone who does not want kids. A family is something I look forward to having someday, so right off the bat we would not be compatible. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 9:53:00 AM | | Well OP, its becoming more acceptable these days to for a man or a woman to say that they never want children, so I would personally look for ladies who state that they dont want any, and who dont have any. I know thats a small number in comparison to ladies who do want children, but they are out there. I myself have never had the desire to have children. I dont hate them or anything,.. in fact i get on very well with my nephews and Neices, but, I never had that broody feeling, ever....some may call it selfish, and it does limit your choices as to a prospective partner, but I can totally understand your desire to remain childless, theres quite a few people who feel the same, Good luck. x | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 12:08:42 PM | | nope! I wouldn't date someone that was against having children. It would become an issue if we ever got serious so why would I put myself through that? I'd rather be with someone I knew I had a future with that I wouldn't have to sacrafice my goals/dreams for. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 1:06:26 PM | I have never had a strong desire to get married or spawn and have children either, and I know a lot of women who feel the same. Some people just don't feel that way, and people that do feel the urge to marry and have kids have a hard time imagining it, but to them I say to each their own. It's your life, and others have their own lives.
It should be easy enough to find an older woman who's already had kids and they are older or a woman who just doesn't want marriage or kids as you don't. As time goes on it's becoming way more common for people not to go with a certain thing in life just because society says it's normal.
Expecting someone to give up wanting marriage or kids to be happy is sort of a conflict of interest. A relationship like that would leave someone resentful, and that's not a good thing in the long run. | |
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PHK
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Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 19 | |
| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 1:18:44 PM | Get the vasectomy, that way if it ever comes up, you can answer honestly with "Sorry, I can't have them" For some women, the removal of a chance pregnancy is very attractive 
Say this guy is exactly what you're looking for in a partner, EXCEPT he doesn't want kids? That is the partner I am looking for! | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 3:56:30 PM | I'd do hand springs for fellas that don't want kids, much less don't have kids. At my young age, it's like looking for a needle in a hay stack.
There are women out there who don't hear the motherhood bells ring, they may be few and far between, but they are out there. Actually, a new study came out, and children are no longer defined as "success" in a marriage lasting. More and more couples look forward to the day of spending time together.
OP - if you want to get "snipped", by all means do so. I don't know if you'll find a Doc who is willing. Keep in mind, that you could still possibly get a woman preggers if the operation isn't done right. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 4:36:18 PM | I want kids through adoption, and it's a dealbreaker to me if someone doesn't want those at all, or if they want birthchildren. I won't date a man with kids from a previous relationship either.
There are a lot of women these days who don't want to have kids at all, so you're probably not alone in this. Generally people have some idea of what they want though, and it will ruin the relationship later if they don't get what they want, even though they say it doesn't matter. It's such a major issue it can wear away at the fabric of the relationship. Best to just ask someone up front so you don't waste anyone's time if they are looking to have the Brady Bunch. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 9:49:53 PM | If you don't want kids, then don't feel guilty about it. Too many people have kids for the wrong reason and the children are the ones who suffer. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids, but I do see A LOT wrong with people having them because they think "they are suppose to" because of society, social pressure, etc.
Many times people who have children feel so fullfilled that they just don't understand how someone could NOT want to have kids. I have married friends who have no intentions of having children and when people find out that they don't have any and have been married over 20 years they say "Oh I'm sorry". They assume that my friends didn't have children because they couldn't and it never occurs to them that they just didn't want any. I absolutely love my daughter and wouldn't trade her for the world, but I don't expect others to feel that way.
Your honesty in recognising that you don't want children is more honorable than those who have children for the wrong reasons and then don't take care of them the way they should. You'll find a lady that doesn't want children or has grown children and doesn't want more. They are out there. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/2/2007 10:08:10 PM | | Can't say it would bother me if a guy didn't want to have kids. If you ever changed your mind, there's always adoption. There are women that don't want to breed, they do exist and you aren't alone. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/3/2007 3:28:04 AM | | Nothing wrong with not wanting to have children. Not starting a relationship with someone who does want to have a family is your best bet. It seems if one party wants kids and the other doesn't one side is always trying to bring the other over to their point of view, and it can make for a bad thing (generalizing of course, not always) I've known for a long time that I don't want more kids (have one teen) and probably wouldn't even consider dating someone who did, would be in two very differant places. | |
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| A guy that does not want kids
Posted: 7/3/2007 10:42:16 PM | I've made the decision along time ago to get the vasectomy. I had it done based on some personal history which might have clouded my judgement. It seemed to easy that someone you expected to be forever just hadn't worked out and now you share a baby together. So that removes that issue from the equation.
Another problem I have is if you've already raised kids, is it selfish to either not want kids, or maybe met a girl that has children but not get too attached raising the kids. I don't mind someone having kids but I think I'm ready for the kids to raise their own and i can just be a grandfather!
I certainly see the profiles that put YES they want kids. If they want kids and don't currently have kids then I just pass over them. It just wouldn't be fair to think they'd change how they feel. | |
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