| | Using children to manipulatePage 1 of 1 | | My ex partner left me and our children nearly 18 months ago now after many years of issues (his depression), and too many others to name. He moved on and has since had 2-3 girlfriends of which I have never met. I moved from our small country town as it was so difficult living there and I wanted to further my own personal development and complete my post grad studies. I drive 400km every fortnight so that my children (6 & 9) can see there father. When I picked up the children last week my daughter who is 9 told me that daddy had something to tell me, and then sat expectantly watching. He then said to me in front of her that he misses me and wishes he had never left and asked me to hug him, I felt cornered and angry at being put in this position in front of the children. I gave him a brief hug and said good bye. On the way back to home my daughter told me that her dad had discussed all of this stuff with her and she wanted us to get back together. I was at a loss as to what to say...I could never go back to him as he was so emotionally unstable and moody, often threatening suicide in front of the children. The children and I are finally settling into our new life and I feel he is being manipulative and involving the children in issues which they are far too young for. What should I say to them, they now feel if I say no then it is my fault that we are not together? | |
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| Using children to manipulate
Posted: 6/8/2007 5:52:46 AM | Tell them that some things are for big people to discuss and that you and their father will have the discussion when the time is right. Tell them that you love them and that you understand how they feel and if they ever need to talk about anything they can all ways talk with you. Tell them that their job is to be kids and the rest is for the adults to work out together.
Tell your 'ex' how you perceive his actions and ask him to mind what types of conversations he has with your children. Explain to him that it hurts and confuses his children when he brings them in to issue that they don't own. | |
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| Using children to manipulate
Posted: 6/8/2007 5:55:24 AM | | That is a tough one and I am sorry that he has put you in this situation in front of the children. Children often imagine and want their parents to get back together and it seems he is using this to work in his advantage. I would see if there was some way you could discuss this with your ex when the children are not present. Tell him you are done and you will not be getting back together and tell him to never let this happen again in front of the children. As for what to tell your kids, I would say to sit them down and tell them the truth that you will never be back together. They seem to be at an age to understand. Communication is the key and just be very honest with everyone involved that its not possible, but reinforce positives and dont downplay him or include reasons you and their father will stay apart. Kids dont see the "bad" part of the parent..they also should not even be aware of the in's and out's of your relationship. | |
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| Using children to manipulate
Posted: 6/8/2007 5:40:05 PM | Chuckie I appreciate your comments. We did however have counselling with a mental health councillor for approx 5 years, my ex partner (no we were not married) was uncooperative and did not attend the sessions, with myself often showing up and sitting there for an hour. I did get alot out of those sessions and finally the councillor said to me that things probably would not change, she stated that my ex was likely to have a borderline personality disorder and that it is one of the most difficult conditions to treat.
Your are right in say that feeling cornered and angry was not unusual, however being apart for 18 months and with him currently seeing someone I was not expecting this from my daughters mouth.
Leaving the children with him is a judgement call on my behalf with the assistance of a councillor who stated that she did not believe that he was truly suicidal but just says that as a manipulative tool when in a conflictive situation. I believe that it is very important for the children to see their father, he does love them alot and they him. I felt that he was givbing them false hope as we could never be a unit again, as I cannot cope myself with the constant see saw of emotions that he goes through. I am the kind of person who can wake up happy every morning (well most) and I cannot bear the thought of tip toeing around worried about anything that I might say that would set him off!
Finally, being on a dating forum allows me to meet people of my own age who are like myself just seeking friendship and companionship, I dislike going to pubs and clubs and hardly ever go out, however at 35 I don't believe that I am quite ready to give up on myself and be put on the shelf yet. I am very careful and have not inroduced my children to anyone that I have been out with as I would not want to do that unless something permanent was on the cards. They already have had those experiences with their father where they have become attached to his girlfriends only to have them split up. | |
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| Using children to manipulate
Posted: 6/8/2007 7:03:59 PM | Brutal. There is no way you should get back together with a guy who would use his kids like that. I think he needs to hear you are going out and eventually see you out with an other guy to realise that it is truly over.
It is tough on the kids to meet someone. My experience though you need to meet the kids. Woman I was seeing had to drop her company behavior when her kids were around so I got to see the real woman and saw she wasn't right for me.. | |
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