| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 11:57:47 AM | What do you think?.... does an aduser go into a relationship with the intention of one day abusing that person or is it something that they are unable to control themselves and they truly do go into the relationship with the best intentions??
NO this is not a self pitty treat (the last on got deleted) I just am wondering myself what the answer is.... wanted to put it on the table... | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:01:50 PM | An abuser absolutely doesn't see anything wrong with what they do! They either see it as appropriate "punishment" or something they were driven to do, but never see it as anything but defensible. Just as rape isn't really about sex, it's about fear and control, abusers get the same thing from hitting or degrading another.
Bluezzz | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:03:14 PM | does an aduser go into a relationship with the intention of one day abusing that person or is it something that they are unable to control themselves ... The answer to that is easy. Either/Or both.
First sign of it... split! | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:15:25 PM | I was married to an abuser for a very long time. It is all about control! Someone told me to read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and I will say that this book helped set me free! That and my faith in God. Most women because of having a loving heart, want to believe the best in people. That was me...always giving him another chance and another and another. Abuse was not his only addiction by the way. I have read tons of self help books since this marriage ended and have soul searched a lot. What I can tell you is this, once a snake, always a snake! These kind of people, outside of a miracle will never change. It is a thing in them which is extremely low self esteem. They beat others down to build themselves up. And do they care who they beat down or how far down they beat you? The anser is NO! The deal is, and what I have learned is that it is ALL about THEM!! Take that for a big clue! These kind of people will suck the life out of you. I came close to that. I finally had to see that all my efforts would not change a thing. These people will not change because what they do...works for them! Again, it is all about THEM and they have to win! There is never a win win with someone like that. If you are connected to someone like that, trust me, you will loose! EVERY TIME!!! Don't stick around to see! If you saw a snake, what would you do?? RUN is the answer if you are smart. Same thing here...RUN!! Fast and furious get out of their road...and life. And your life will be tons better! Trust me I know! I have seen it happen to so many others as well. Trust me, ask God for help, and run!
Blessings : )
Carol in Spring, TX | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:39:47 PM | ^^^^^^^
Yeah. Listen to what she said! I've been there too and TheLionsDaughter is right. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:45:00 PM | | i think they go into the relationship with the idea that they will be able to mold you into what is in their mind the ideal partner,which is why they tend to present themselves as mr/ms wonderful in the beginning (whats commonly known as the honeymoon phase).they tend to believe that a relationship is supposed to be the unconditional compliance and submission of another person.control of another human being is often a means to compensate for inadequacies for an abusive person.when something happens that challenges this, the abusive behavior tends to manifest .they tend to believe that the problem is not their behavior but your unwillingness to comply with what they think they are entitled to.thats why they always cast themselves as the innocent victim in the dramatic reenactment.their detachment from reality and basic codes of civilized conduct cause them to believe that they werent going to do it but you made them do it.through no fault of their own.even though the pattern repeats in every relationship they have.they are convinced that the other person forces them to behave like this. against thier will. how could it possibly be them.its just that everyone they have ever met makes them be abusive.so you see ,the world is out to get them and make them do bad things that they would never do without being forced to, ergo, its everyones fault but theyre own. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 12:59:49 PM | Yes, I believe they go into a relationship with the idea that they will be different...
They hope for the best,in that thinking you will be a magic ticket into their feeling better about themselves. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 1:01:35 PM | GREAT QUESTION!!!
Those who cannot receive attract those who cannot give.
If you undervalue who you are, the world undervalues what you do.
Action follows thought
All roads lead back to the heart.
chitaninu okwaho | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 1:09:01 PM | | They don't see anything wrong with themselves... and if they do, they don't know how to control it. It is their first instinct... to lash out... either physically or verbally. So to ask if they go in with the intention... it is always their intention... when things "get out of hand". | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 2:04:55 PM | Dear OP,
listen to The LionsDaughter, Hyacinth1974 and cosmicchild31. If you are in loving relatonship with the abuser, your love or understandig will not change the behaviour of the abuser. Although they appear very charming at the early stage of the relationship it very quickly shifts to a hate relationship. It is all about them, they are not open to negotiations, they do not reason, there is no WIN/WIN situations, their purpose is to have their parnter under their thumb, and they will crush you whenever you don't comly with the rules they set out for you. Patricia Evans, the author of "Emotionally Abusive", "Controlling People" (it is a must read book), set me free. She is talking about small, tiny nuances that once you start reading your thinking will shift from cloudy to clear. She makes the analogy to a woman (mostly women are the vicitims of abusive relatonships) being a teddy bear in this kind of union. The abuser is not able to relate to a real person, so he creates imaginary woman who will fit in the mind frame of teddy bear. Why teddy bear, it is a reference to the first toy, the teddy would do anything the person would ask for.
My advice to you if you are in this kind of drama, is to seek some professional help. There are lots of organizations that support women and the service is free. It is very rare the abuser change, unless they truly recognize the damage and next they are willing to make a transition into a healthy person. Usually, they are in denial, because they do not recognize their own damage. They don't suffer in the relationship, they rule. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 2:42:40 PM | | Well depending on your age baby, and you do look young...most teenage or young adult males up to 21 are rather prone to hormonal response than to responsibility. We do not have the maturity or experience to relate to life...some do...but for the most...getting laid is the big thing...and the getting laid if they keep coming back is number two....some guys become possesive or jealous and this leads to actions not usually understood....all abuse is wrong...if it is physical, emotional, sexual, financial or anything that you dont mutually share with confidence and trust, it is wrong...I would consider a new boyfriend...sometimes bad things do happen and if you are already intelligent and mature enough to question this, then be your own answer by trusting your instincts and being someplace with someone that feels great all the time. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 3:32:00 PM | No-one thinks of themselves as an abuser. Hitler and Stalin both said that they were helping the world by what they did, and they killed millions, some were tortured horribly. An abusive person is someone who honestly believes that what they were doing is right, as Bluezzz says.
There are 5 stages (to my experience):
1) The choice
They seek a vulnerable person because they know that person will be good to them.
They also choose that person because they know they have done wrongs in their life, and they seek to be with someone to balance that out, so they seek the opposite of them, which is the person who will not abuse others.
2) The seduction
The abuser will then become your best friend, or best boyfriend, and win your trust, enough that you will let them into your closest confidence, and will become your bosom buddy.
3) The pitch
Now, they come with a situation or an offer. It might be to live with them, or to go into business with them. It is any joint venture that seems to offer you a lot for very little, but requires a commitment on your part, which according to the abuser is definitely for a short space of time, but on closer examination is both indefinite and vague. If you challenge the abuser, he/she will use every line in the book to evade the question, and to allay your fears. Until you're hooked.
4) The lever
Now, you're in, the commitment has been made. So now the abuser has a hold on you. So he/she begins to increase that hold like a lever, putting more and more pressure on you, slowly but surely, until your will is broken, and you find it impossible to deny his/her demands.
5) The demands
Now, the abuser starts demanding all the things he/she wanted in the first place. He/she justifies these demands to himself/herself by saying that you cannot get a better offer, that he/she will make it up to you later on, etc. But since you have made the initial commitment, and these demands are included, however vaguely, the abuser feels entitled to his/her fair share. They even consider it fair to get angry and violent, as you have wronged them by agreeing to something and not delivering. They may even express regret afterwards, but always with the caveat that "you drove me to it", and "if you only did what I asked, I wouldn't need to be this way."
To the abuser, all the previous steps were to get to this point. He/she thinks that it is acceptable, as he/she already convinced himself/herself that "the ends justify the means", and the abuser believes that he/she will pay back the problems that he/she has caused. But he/she never does, because once he/she will only pay back once he/she has got what he/she wants, and once he/she has got what he/she wants there is not longer any impetus to pay back.
Note that most abusers admit to being victims earlier in their life and did not want to go through that again, and so became the abuser. It is this fear that drives them to repeat the abuse that was hurled on them, usually much worse than was done to him/her.
It does not matter if he/she is a partner in a relationship, or a business partner, or a friend, or a family member. It is the cycle and the power-play that is important. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 3:43:22 PM | Great feedback so far guys.....
and just for the record, I am not in an abusive relationship myself... this was something that i was just wondering about... | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:44:24 PM | | I think they go in with the best intentions, then find their thoughts and emotions uncontrollable and blame the victim for making them act this way. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 4:56:45 PM | | abusers dont even consider what they are doin as abuse...in fact, they often portray themselves as victims of abuse...just goes ta show ya how misguided they often are...so, no, i dont think they go into a relationship intendin ta abuse.....it just their way of makin everythin right by controllin everything, partners included. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 5:17:55 PM | My ex is married to an abuser... he's been jailed multiple times... she still will not leave him. As ladydi8 stated, they portray themselves as the victim. He blames everything and everyone for his outbursts.
Also, as another poster stated, it takes nothing short of a miracle for these type to change. My ex's husband is still very arrogant, controlling and very much a "wimp". I have no use for him and I'm not intimidated by him... that really pisses him off - especially when I tell him to "shut up."
Abusers are abusers well before any relationship begins. Unfortunately, some women don't see/heed the signs until it is too late. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 5:32:26 PM | | One question I have is why is it that women find these guys so attractive? how do they manage to hid the crazy side, or do they? Is it the vey thing that attracts women to them? | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 5:39:50 PM | | The typical abuser isn't someone who thinks about anyone else. They don't understand empathy. Abusers tend to be single-minded individuals focused finding, getting and keeping what they want, nothing else matters. They only apologize and fake guilt and promise not to do it again to get the person back, only to abuse them again. It's the way their head is wired. They tend to be sociopathic which means they are the most important person in their world and they are their own "god". They will have no quibble at scoffing at or breaking the law if they don't think it serves their purpose. All they know to do is to feed their own wants and desires, period. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 5:52:20 PM | They've been abused themselves in some way, shape or form. It's the kind of behavior that they know to be "normal".
Whether they were mentally or physically abused as a child (or adult)..something has taught them this behavior. Or had some traumatic experience as such.
This is what they know to be appropriate behavior. Obviously, it's not.
Run, do not walk from someone like that! | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 5:59:31 PM | Abusers are narcissistic in nature and will come up with rationale for their behavior.
Unfortunately this is a no-win situation and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change things. Don't beat yourself up over the situation...just learn from experiences and do not let this happen to you again. | |
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A.S.L
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Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 22 | |
| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 6:32:45 PM | | lol i get a kick outa these forums sometime .....like seroisly if you know some one is an abuser why would you even consider being with them drop it move on there PLENTY OF FISH ,,,if he/she was seeking help for it then it depends on ur discretion if you think they wont hurt you and you can take care of yourself then so be it .....remember you always have a choice | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 6:49:27 PM | A comment from fuzzywuzzysavage
One question I have is why is it that women find these guys so attractive? how do they manage to hid the crazy side, or do they? Is it the vey thing that attracts women to them?
My experience is that at the early stages of the relationship they are extremely charming to the point that it isn't something natural, becasue any healthy male would not behave like that. But this is something I learnt after getting out of the crazy. Next, they are very quick to commit, and they hang on to their preys with all their claws. I always use this comparison, that they remind me of "Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hyde". I tend to believe they can attract any sort of victim, it can be a submissive woman in nature, or somone who tends to be strong, a business professional, a politician, you name it.
I don't think any of these women believe it is attractive to be with abused man, but it takes some time to get out of the crazy, one of the reason it is so hard to get out, because they blame themselves for the anger of their partner, they are often confused, and their thinking is cloudy, also exhausted from living in hell, it isn't simple way out. They usually are able to get out, and often with help from the community. Some abusive relationship are so cunning, it takes years to figure things out.
It isn't attractive at all, just for your own records, sex is usally not a pleasant experience, because there is not intimacy. There cannot be intimacy in the relationship, when there is control. | |
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 7:08:13 PM | More puzzling is the mind of the self-abuser.
Those who willingly allow their own continued abuse.
Whatever can be said of one applies equally to the recipient.
A simple supply/demand conundrum... if there were no demand for them, they'd lose out in natural selection.
Considering the number of reports of abuse - they're successful in getting theirs!
Women especially seem to love them and bequeath them many children.
Go figure!
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| The mind of an abuser
Posted: 6/10/2007 7:20:53 PM | Hey Babycay ~ Just wanted to say I love your profile and hope everyone gets a chance to read it.  | |
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