| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 11:49:53 AM | I was always told that If you want to attract a good woman, you have to be a good man.
So, if I want a physically fit woman who is financially secure. I must first become a physically fit man who is financially secure.
- Obviously there is more to a relationship than the above but for the purpose of keeping it simple I choose only two traits that I’m looking for.
Is this really true? Or is this old and outdated advice?
I have not found this to be true for me so far.
I seem to attract the physically fit woman but not financially secure visa versa.
To further clarify, should a short woman that does not exercise and have trouble paying bills expect to have a tall fit man take care of her financially one day? | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 11:57:24 AM | I personally don't think height is a factor; you can't change that one!
Being financially secure and physically fit, I think you are more likely to attract the same because of your environment! You're more likely to find someone like-minded at the gym while you're there; and you aren't likely to find a gambler since you aren't playing the slot machines all day. Does that make sense?
That said, I guess it depends on priorities...There are plenty of athletic types out there who aren't necessarily looking for athletes, etc. You have to define your dealbreakers, and don't compromise! Then it becomes more not about who you attract, but who you repel. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 2:55:31 PM | | well said txgurl81... i have to define my dealbreakers (i have a list, but have never really examined them and sat down to define them...) AND stick to them - no compromises! I do like the ability to compromise though so...... oh lord..... somebody help me!!! I'll figure it out... eventually - I hope! : ) | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 3:34:20 PM | | Ever hear of opposites attract? Wouldn't it be boring to date or marry someone just like you? I think you'd get sick of them pretty quick. Why do you look for a relationship? Because you want more in your life. More of the same? No. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 4:08:33 PM | That might be true if everyone's definitions of "good", "fit" and "financially secure" were the same. Someone's good can be someone else's boring, fit to some could be too skinny and secure can be a range of a decent job to a millionaire.
What is your definition of financially secure? No debt, a certain income number maybe equal to your own or perhaps willing to keep ALL finances separate. Might depend on just how well you wish to live. Some people are content with a smaller home, cars and land and some want beachfront living.
I personally am an average height bigger woman that is able to pay my own bills with not much room for luxury dating a taller physical fitness nut that makes a pretty good living. None of it has been an issue so far. There are couples that survive very nicely on either 2 medium incomes, some with one larger and one smaller and others with one large and no other income depending on how they wish to run their household, key word being they. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 4:35:58 PM | You are kidding right? I've seen so many physically and financially mismatched couples it isn't funny. If a woman finds you attractive and appealing you are attractive and appealing. Just because you work out and she doesn't does not make her any less attracted to you.
Money, well, just because you might be rolling in it, that doesn't make an impovershed woman shy away.
It just makes you that more attractive.
The more attractive you are the larger your net, you may get some attention you don't want, but that's what happens when you use a larger net. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 4:46:25 PM | I have noticed today from the success stories portion of the site, most of the coouples are equally attractive. This is not saying they look alike, but attractivness levels do seem to be equal in 99.9999% of the stories.
Go look for yourself. There are pages and pages you can take a look for yourself. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 5:26:14 PM | | Funny, if you're financially secure and physically fit, you can attract a whole lot of women, like you and not like you. | |
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lfrs
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Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 9 | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:04:32 PM | Thank you all for your thoughts.
Aren’t we looking for someone that can partner with us midstream with the two lives already in motion. I notice comments about setting deal breakers which is great advice.
We want our partner to add to our lives not take away.
Blondblueyed – to answer your question about the definition I had in mind about physically fit or financially secure. Simply someone that is physically active in whatever they like to do, while understanding how money works in relation to financial planning, as well as covering personal expenses. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:05:22 PM | "Don't you see what's happening here? All this time I've been looking for someone like me, and now I've come along and swept myself off my feet!" -Jerry Seinfeld
Some correlation is there, but you still have to account for matchups like Anna-Nicole Smith and the billionaire. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 6:50:21 PM |
Simply someone that is physically active in whatever they like to do, while understanding how money works in relation to financial planning, as well as covering personal expenses.
That is a very broad interpretation yet in your OP it appears you are having trouble finding both of these in one woman? I think you need to take a look at what you are really looking for instead of what you want to try to convey as to not sound too closed minded. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 7:05:22 PM | I think that being successful as you can be and fit as you can be (with reasonable efforts) certainly helps in attracting a mate of similar situation. It only makes sense.
There is no guarantee - but I would not get discouraged.
Attitude, involvement and your range of interests count as much as financial success and fitness. The total package - total positive development is what counts.
Joe | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 7:09:12 PM | It seems as though what you're partially talking about is lifestyle as being what you apparently believe should be a major factor in deciding compatibility, OP. That you and your potential life partner should be physically active and financially secure - if one of you is - even though you've mentioned that this hasn't been the scenario you've personally found yourself in while meeting and dating.
In some respects, I actually do think you're onto something there. Your examples strike me as being rather superficial, but I'd say that it's generally probably an easier transition from being single to being in a relationship if both of you have common lifestyles in most cases, because it's more likely that you'll share common interests - for the time being.
I'm not saying that life is that simple, and it's definitely not reliably constant. The next fit, well off woman you meet might end up being a bimbo or a jerk, for instance. Also, people change. Lifestyles change. I suspect this is where your theory wobbles a bit. Abiding to absolutes is a comfy mindset in avoiding compromising on finding someone with the traits you value, but subscribing too rigidly to absolutes can result in lost opportunities for self discovery and evaluating how important those "nice to haves" truly are to you within the context of being with someone for a while. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:04:08 PM | | I belief is that things aren't as simple as one would wish. For the most part people are attracted to what is familiar. Emotional health also is a big deciding factor. PMost keep doing the same thing with the same person. All that changes is the name. People are only comfortable with another that is on the same emotional health level. One who is more healthy will run from the one that is less healthy. I see these profiles that say that they want an honest man or a good man yet they keep picking one that is neither. Some pick drunks or abusers. They keep doing the same things over and over. Needy is expressed in many ways, sometimes emotional, sometimes fiancial. It is as varied as there are those of us looking. Best of luck to us all! | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:19:03 PM | I was rather surprised on day when I was home on PEI down in victoria park and seen a 6 foot something steroid monkey walking with a pretty hefty looking girl ( who in fact was quite pretty) and I dont think it was his sister . I mean he was holding her hand lifting it up to kiss it and when she went over to get some thing at the snack bar he slapped her on the ass.
Was I surprised . Yes I admitt I was but on the other hand I felt pretty good on the inside .
I still think about that from time to time . Ille remember it for a long time . I mean the Dood was freaking huge. and every time I think about it I cant help but say "HAH"
I have a best freind in lethbridge ( who I met in PEI) alberta who had a pretty lousey life , no material possesions to speak of who met a dentist while working in north west territories as a cook ; they fell in love and are now married with two children in A 3/4 million dollar home no less .
So do I think the rules of money and physique that have been laid out apply in real life . I did . But now ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh NO ! | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:23:29 PM | | The old adage is though that women are more attracted to men that are similar to their fathers. I often find that to be true. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:35:13 PM | Two great resources:
A Lasting Promise by Scott Stanley... its based on a 20+ year study of couples and explains the behaviors that cause relationships to fail. It also has a chapter on understanding your expectations. Once you understand your expectations in the areas of money, dating, child rearing, religon, power and control and sex you have a pretty good handle on who you are looking for.
Now, with that being said go read about "The Ladders" and get a different perspective on how this whole dating thing works.
Cheers!
Phil | |
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TrevG
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Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 20 | |
| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 8:40:32 PM | It's true to an extent but not in the way you are saying. It doesn't work in the physical world. Like, if you want a rich woman you don't have to be rich first yourself. And if you are rich first yourself you are just as likely to attracted woman who WANT to be rich as those who already are.
You would attract those who already are because perhaps you both attend the same type of events, you would attract those who want to be because it is something they feel that they lack and you have.
But there is where the 'like attracts like' really lies. The one thing you and that woman might have in common, if you were rich and she WANTED to be rich was that you both share the value of having lots of money. But maybe not! Cool question though.
But I do beleive that certain personality traits do attract their likenessess. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 9:03:48 PM | You attract who you are on an emotional level.
In the negative sense... addicts attract enablers and takers attract givers.
In the positive sense... emotionally healthy people attract emotionally heathy people. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 9:12:58 PM | I used to feel like this was true so much so that I would become intimidated if a very fit or successful man tried to talk to me. I wasn't able to act like myself around them because I felt "beneath" their league.
After a lot of soul searching I realized people are people. We all have had different advantages and disadvantages in our lives. If you decide somebody is not right for you based on their income, schooling, or profesion without getting to know who they are as a person and what their circumstances in life have been....I think you are selling yourself short. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 9:58:07 PM | The old adage is though that women are more attracted to men that are similar to their fathers. I often find that to be true.
Yeah, the ole' "Who's your daddy?!" (*smack!!!!*) mindset. Whoo-hoo!
OP, you must have read a self-help book, saw something during daytime TV, or heard something on the radio. This thought--of attracting who you are--has been around in pop psych for quite some time. It's nothing new, not even on the forums.
By the way, you aren't applying the theory correctly. You initially write that to attract a good woman, you have to be a good man. How does being financially secure or good-looking fit into being a good or bad woman or man? And is the totality of your being encompass just fitness and having money? Doubtful. But you will eventually attract exactly that: someone who wants to look good and have money--surface traits. Yup. That sounds like a wonderfully heartfelt beginning to a relationship: looks and money. You will attract that person: someone who really doesn't care who you really are; just a woman who wants you to be a Ken doll and an open wallet. And now why is that? Because that's your focus. Getting the idea yet?
I seem to attract the physically fit woman but not financially secure visa versa.
If this is all you're concerned about, then get a membership at a high class, astronomically priced gym. Problem solved. | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 10:26:35 PM |
By the way, you aren't applying the theory correctly. You initially write that to attract a good woman, you have to be a good man. How does being financially secure or good-looking fit into being a good or bad woman or man? And is the totality of your being encompass just fitness and having money? Doubtful. But you will eventually attract exactly that: someone who wants to look good and have money--surface traits. Yup. That sounds like a wonderfully heartfelt beginning to a relationship: looks and money. You will attract that person: someone who really doesn't care who you really are; just a woman who wants you to be a Ken doll and an open wallet. And now why is that? Because that's your focus. Getting the idea yet? I agree with SummerTeeth. It's not "you attract what you are" but you will attract people who value you for what you see as valuable traits in yourself or for what you fear are your only valuable traits. If your focus is on money, say, then you will attract someone else who also values money. Not to say they will have much of it.... but they sure will value it.
Successful relationships are a lot to do with compatible values, so attracting someone with similar values could be neat, if you aren't focusing on superficial things that it would sadden you to be defined in terms of... | |
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| Do we really attract who we are?
Posted: 6/16/2007 10:31:08 PM | This is something different from what I thought it would be when I read the title of the thread.
One of the things I absolutely believe in and will say now and then is...We attract what we are.
However - I believe that comes from the inside out. We attract what kind of person we are, how we feel about others and how authentic we are.
The OP is talking about surface stuff, not the things of substance regarding a person, so I do not believe in his definition. | |
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