| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:13:37 PM | I am just curious here....
In majority of cases women get custody of their children unless they have been proven to be unfit.
This question is for men and women but I am very interested in a males point of view.
If a woman's children are not with her do you initially assume she must have done something wrong? | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:30:36 PM | I try not to make assumptions, but 1 assumption that I may have is: the mother's not iunterested in her kids.
Maybe that's not a fair assumption, but a couple of the only instances I know where the father had permenant custody, were instances where the mother just didn't want the responsibilities of motherhood, and was more content to have a childless person's lifestyle, while her ex looked after the kids.
I guess that seeing that have have created a bit of a stereotype?
But I think it'd be really unfair to pass any judgement, or form any opinions, without truely knowing the person's situation. | |
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drm31
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Joined: 10/29/2005
Msg: 3 | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:04:25 PM | | Well ive been playing the major parent role in my daughters life since she was 1 year and the primary reason seems to be the mother had a previous teenage pregnancy and after a planned,well thought out decision to have anouther child with myself,she soon found out she wasn`t prepared to go about it a second time so you never know whats around the corner in someones mind until you get there.Truth be told, Its the time of my life and I try to make it hers too!!!! | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:36:03 PM | I guess it depends on the age.
Honestly, I think the mother is either unfit, or not interested in taking care of her children.
However, it may be b/c of other reasons unknown that are not related to the above.
I promised my ex husband that when and if our son wants to live with his daddy and asks me, out of wanting to and not anger when he's older and knows he has that choice. That alone is our sons choice. But that's only if he came to me and asked me when he's not angry with me. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:46:12 PM | Times are changing... Children aren't "Just" given to the Mother anymore... There are many factors that are taken into account nowadays... And if you have a Fair and Partial Judge, which is why they are supposedly appointed to the bench, then they take a lot of factors into account, not just being Fit or Unfit anymore...
Enviroment for one thing, if the parents live apart in different communities then the judge will take into account the neighborhoods of the parents... If you are living with other family members the judge will take into account any histories they may have such as drug abuse or any type of criminal backgrounds...
That is just one example of the factors judges need to look at in todays world... So if a relationship or marriage doesn't go well and a woman is forced to move back home with her parents, but has siblings that still live there who have had trouble with the law or her parents have had any trouble with the law and the guy is on his own in an appartment/house or moves back in with his family but doesn't have any family members who have problems then he has a good chance at getting custody...
Also in some cases, no matter the age of children, the judge will speak to the child in his/her chambers and ask the child where they would prefer to live and most times if they do speak with the children they will usually decide in the child's choice...
Only shallow people will automatically assume that there is something wrong with the woman because she doesn't have custody of her children...
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:55:21 PM | There are a lot of reasons that children would be with the father full time. Most of them have nothing to do with the "fitness" of their mother.
In some cases the mother might not want to uproot the kids from schools, neighbourhood and friends, if she is the one moving. In others the children may have been given the option of choice and dad was it. In still others, mental capability to provide the right role model for the children may be the reason. Just perhaps, the Mom in her judgement has made the choice that Dad is the "better" or more capable parent in their curcumstance.
There is no way to judge ahead of time, so assuming anything is wrong, is just plain wrong!
OP? Your opening line is perhaps not as true in todays world. A mother does NOT have to be proven unfit in most cases. There is the children's well being to consider and their wishes, age dependant of course. So each case is different, in so many ways.
JMHO | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:58:57 PM | Just b/c I assume at first doesnt mean i'm shallow. Or anyone for that matter.
The judge that does the family court here will NOT give a man custody unless the mother is unfit. Which includes, addictions, abuse, etc. So yes, where i'm from....that's 99% what it means. The mother is just that. Unfit.
My ex b/f has custody of his kids. BUT it's b/c his kids are 5 and 10. The "mediator" talked to both parents and the kids and decides where the kids should be. Since his ex wife moved out of the house into another school district, the "mediator" decided it was best that the children stay in the home with him. (he kept the house) and in the school district they were in. Meaning she didnt get custody. If I was her, I would have moved back to that town. But she chose her b/f over her kids and in my opinion meaning she's uninterested in being a full time mother to their kids together. But they live in IL. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 10 | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 11:04:07 PM |
The judge that does the family court here will NOT give a man custody unless the mother is unfit. Which includes, addictions, abuse, etc
NOT TRUE...
I got custody of my son and my wife is a Great Mother and I said so in Court... It was the enviroment that lost her custody...
So if you had met her somewhere while we were still seperated and she told you that she didn't have custody you would automatically assume that she is a "Bad" person, so to speak...
YES, that makes you shallow and anyone else who assumes prematurally... | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 13 | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 11:11:06 PM | | For me personally, it is not a matter of being "shallow"...it is a matter of being a mother who would never give up custody of her children! Quite simply, I just have a difficult time understanding how ANY mom could actually WANT to. Of course there are the situations where it was best for the child(ren), but then it goes back to those reasons...are they things the mother could have changed, are they based on selfishness, etc? In other words...it is hard NOT to make assumptions or walk in their shoes because it is something I will never comprehend. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/28/2007 11:17:31 PM |
.it is a matter of being a mother who would never give up custody of her children!
If a judge tells you to, you don't have much choice... Normally unless circumstances change greatly, once a decision is made it is unlikely it will be overturned...
Making assumptions is boarderlining on stupity... How can you make assumptions when you don't have the facts???
Sometimes life rolls at you and you can't change it over night, sometimes it takes time... But if it takes too much time then winning back custody is usually a winless battle, because once a child is use to an Enviroment and a way of living, as long as it poses no threat to the child, courts rarely want to uproot a child from what they are acustomed to... | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 12:03:46 AM | | No I can't imagine giving children up willingly either, mothers or fathers... Which is why I say that to assume and jump to conclusions is boardlining on stupidity... To give an opinion without knowing facts makes me think of something an old highschool teacher use to always say, "Opinions are like @ssholes, everyone has got one and most of them stink"... Now I'm not saying he was the best teacher I had, but there is merit to that statement when you jump to conclusions... | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 12:08:50 AM | You are missing the point....she ASKED what we initially think....BEFORE the facts.
It is no different than people who see someone covered head to toe in tats, 35 piercings, colored mohawk...."they must not be a professional." LOL
If opinions are so bad, then why are you here in the forums giving so many of your own? LOL
In other words, I am not saying that MY initial opinion is the ONLY one that counts or that it is not able to be changed....it is an initial reaction...which is what she asked for. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 12:17:50 AM | To think before the Facts in itself is boardlining on stupidity...
Where did tats and piercings and shit come into the conversation???
I never said opinions were good or bad as far as that goes, it was a statement I was repeating for you... Opinions before facts are unwarranted...
Furthermore, I can't see how someone could ask a question like this and A, not return to the thread for the discussion and B, not give a background story to go with the topic...
If I'm talking with someone and the topic of children come up and they inform me that they do not live with their children, my curiosity peaks... I want to know WHY, I don't jump to conclusions...
The way some people are making it sound, if they get into a conversation with someone and find out they don't have their kids living with them, they will treat them like Charles Manson and look for an Exit ASAP... Not bothering to find out the facts to the situation...
So is that how you are going to treat people??? Or are you going to find out information first??? Now can you see my point of view on this particular Thread??? | |
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babs3
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 19 | |
| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 12:40:06 AM | Harleykat,
I agree with what you were trying to point out to a certain poster....you would never put yourself in the situation where your "enviroment" would cause you to loose custody of your kids. The only time I personally, would and could understand a mother not having custody, is when a child reaches the age where they have the right to voice their preference to a judge, of which parent they want to live with. Most times this happens from the lack of co-parenting and communication between the parents.
I have a 14 yr old who threatens that he's leaving to live at his Dad's house weekly!
He is still here!!...but I know as he gets older (and bigger) that the day will come when he goes to live at his Dad's.....but I am not to worried...I know the lack of clean laundry and the pizza and burger menu will wear thin after a few weeks!!
I agree with your first reaction to a mother not having custody of her kids...especially young kids....it goes against a mother's instinct to give up her young! | |
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Looe
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Joined: 7/14/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 12:46:09 AM | This is something society needs to think about carefully children should be able to be where they want to be and where they feel most comfortable and as long as they are loved 100% of the time thats a great thing.
Society dictates that children need to be with the mother but this will change as more and more men come forward to lead more of an active role as we can see more and more cases of P.A.S
Custody and Access should default to 50/50 as that is whats best for the children not a new car for the Family Lawyer.
I would tend to think if i encountered a woman who doesnt have custody of her children that she was more focused on her career and wanted her children to be comfortable wherever or whoever's house that may be.
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 1:17:19 AM | One of my best friends doesn't have custody of her kids, we've never really talked about what happened, they are in the east and she is in the west. I don't know why she moved, or why she doesn't have them, but from what I know about her, I don't think she was ready.
I do know that she loves her kids dearly, that she misses them, and that almost every day she is thinking about moving there to be around them.
Just becuase someone doesn't have custody doesn't mean that they are a bad person, or that they don't love there kids. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 4:04:31 AM | What I want to know is where are all the posters from the How can a dad pretend his kids don't exist?
If this question was posed with the other gender in mind he would have been called all sorts of bad things.
In answer to your question I would automatically assuem she was a crack whore and one of the lowest forms of life. But just an assumption. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 4:45:58 AM | Harley/Babs,
I respect you for loving your children however your opinion has the smell of its a foregone conclusion that the children must reside with a mother (or you two personally) by default
.......would cause you to loose custody of your kids.
In my opinion its not a matter of losing anything but thinking about the children, its about them living at the most appropriate place......not necessarily the richest or the funnest, but the most appropriate.
If my ex had that attitude I would not have my son living with me today as I am sure the courts would have ruled against me by default. She saw that I was the bread winner, had more ample time to spend with him, had an unbreakable bond, and would love him every bit as her. She saw what was most appropriate for him and sacrificed her own "selfishness" (for lack of a better word) and that "losing" custody wasn't bad and not a reflection of her but a reflection of me and of our son. Kuddos to her if for nothing else.
I would like to point you to the "How can the jerk walk away" thread.........take this emotion you have about "losing" your kids and apply it to that person and how they feel. I know you will say "no matter what" but thats an easy statement to make if you never have to face it.........not saying its right, just saying try and live in someone else's shoes..........someone with your emotion over your kids but not in control of it........its powerful and has unexpected and sometimes in some people's view ugly results. | |
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| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 5:11:43 AM | Thanks to those that have responded so far. It is very interesting to hear the difference in opinions and most have said they would assume just as I figured.
But before I get into that......for the poster that said that he couldn't believe I would ask a question like this and not respond to the discussion or share a background story....
I posted this late last night after a 15 hour shift. I watched it for about an hour and then had to go to bed so that I could pull another 15 hours today. I purposefully didn't give a background story because I wanted to know what people would INITIALLY think. As another poster tried to explain to you, that would be before facts and circumstances. If I had given a background story, people would have no-doubt based their answers on the story and not on their first reaction.
I have raised my daughter by myself for almost 7 years. (She is 12.) I have full custody and always will. That will not be fought. Her father is in her life and gets her every weekend without fail. They are very close. I am moving to a city about 20 minutes away with work. This isn't very far but if my daughter moves with me she will be taken out of the best public school in the area, away from her friends and family, (she is extremely shy and doesn't make friends easily) and be moved into a much faster "city" environment. Her personality dictates that she would not adjust quickly.
After a lot of soul-searching I decided to grant her wish to stay with her dad. She is in perfectly good hands and I am only 20 minutes away. This arrangement is a trial period for the summer. It started 3 days ago and I am already feeling "empty nest syndrome".
I asked the question because I was wondering how my choice might affect future potential dates. Yes, I know I can explain my side and people would usually understand BUT some people don't always give you the chance to explain before unfair, inaccurate assumptions are made. | |
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babs3
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 25 | |
| What do you initially think when a woman says her kids live with their father?
Posted: 6/29/2007 5:24:15 AM | Okay EC,
I'll bite....your first argument ....
She saw that I was the bread winner....so I guess your house WAS the richest?....
your second argument..
had more ample time to spend with him.....because??....she would have to work twice as much to make the same money?
Don't get me wrong...I think it is awesome that you are taking care of your son full-time...but your first arguement about finances kinda overshadows your good intentions!
I do mean "no matter what" when it comes to taking care of my kids.....scrubbing toilets, picking mushrooms....whatever it would take...I would do it! Thankfully I do have a job that allows me to be here for them...but that wasn't always the case....I had to re-arrange my lifestyle and career to mold what my kids needed.....so that's what I mean when I don't understand a mother giving up her kids.
What was the point of reference to the thread "the jerk walking away"????........because if....at any time...my kids lived with their dad....I would never walk away! If you have communication with your ex partner....than that can open doors and agreements...that money cannot buy! I cannot imagine being without my kids....but if it was to happen...I wouldn't pull a big suck move like the ones that have been posted here!
Since we are qouting thread's....check out the "single dad who has custody and is doing it all by himself" thread! | |
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