| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/3/2007 11:47:05 PM | So I was married to a man who had a child. When him and I were just dating, things were great.. he only saw his son once a month (due to differences with the child's mother) and I felt like there was no "competition".. but once we married, things changed. We started getting his son twice during the week and EVERY weekend. As a matter of fact, for our one year wedding anniversary I had a trip planned. We couldn't go because he didn't want to go a full weekend without seeing his son. But hey, that's not all! When his son would stay with us, I had to sleep on the couch. He didn't want to chance his son walking in the bedroom and seeing us laying in the same bed together. Ugh!
Anyway, that's not where the biggest issue is right now. My ex and I have been legally separated a year on the 12th of this month, so about 3 month ago I finally started dating someone. This guy is amazing.. genuine, sweet, has his shyt together. But he has a child... a child that he sees every other weeked (we live in NC and he drives to D.C.).... my biggest fear is that I'm going to come second again.. which he's already made clear would happen because your child is always 'suppost' to be #1..
Here's where my biggest disagreement is (sorry guys, bare with me).... if you're suppost to be ONE with your mate, how the hell can a child come before you??? Why do I have to stay home alone on weekends and holidays? .. and if we all go out together and do something, I'm made to feel like an outsider.. yet you have the nerve to come to me with your problems and issues so I can help you fix them? What the hell am I to you??? THAT's how I feel.
Advice please!! | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 2 | |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/3/2007 11:53:28 PM | Are you serious?
of course the kids should come first.
Perhaps you need to date men without children? You obvious have some selfish issues that need addressing. I think these men you speak of are doing what they should be doing ...that is being a father , yet your all pissy cause your not getting attention. Sorry i think you came to the wrong place for sympathy. | |
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Pucks
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 12:03:02 AM | well, when children are involved there needs come first.
I wont date any lady who doesnt understand that. It may mean i may have to leave a date, it may mean plans get changed coz i have sick kids whatever. When kids are in the picture, you have someone else's life to care for.
My suggestion, if you want someone soley focused on you (which appears to be 24/7) stay away from men with children. Until you realize that there are many good men out there who have priorities with children i think you should stay away from them. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 12:03:11 AM | | You clearly need to date guys that don't have any children. A child will always come before any other. Or, at least that is how it should be. You probably shouldn't date religious men either that put God first. Just my thoughts. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 12:06:18 AM | A child's needs coming first, yes, that's a given.
But I was always taught that it was GOD, SPOUSE, CHILD.....
.... but laying there with someone, looking at them and saying "I love you" and their response being, "oh, I miss Rian.."....... what the hell???
Is that right too???? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 12:14:37 AM | | Do you think that him not having full custody has anything to do with it? I do agree with you in part when you are being intimate and expressing feelings that he starts talking about his kid. But sometimes it's hard for a parent to get the little one off the brain, probably even more so for someone that only gets to see their child a few days out of the month. I would probably be the same way. It just comes with the territory I guess. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 12:41:57 AM | Yea, clearly you need to date childless partners right now. You will never know nor understand the love a parent has for a child until you have children of your own. I would react the same way as your boyfriend if my ex had full custody and I only saw my son a few times a month.
I applaud your bf for being a good father and showing interest and love for his kid. THOSE are the men many of us are seeking. You need to either find ways to be a family when his child is around you and incorporate activities that help you all feel included, or you need to walk away from the relationship and move onto men without children.
A good father would never say to a woman (who may not be here tomorrow) "You come before my kids" and a woman who wants to be serious with a single father should realize she isn't entering a relationship with just a man. It's a package deal. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 2:58:59 AM | "You will never know nor understand the love a parent has for a child until you have children of your own"
I dont agree with that at all. Just because it's not YOUR child does NOT mean you cant come to love the child like he/she were your own.
I can understand what your saying. How you feel left out. But that is an issue that you have to take up with your partner. And it's something that can be solved easily. The key part is that you have to sit down with him and talk about it. If you cant communicate your feelings then you will always be back there.
Getting more involved is a way of putting yourself up there. I dont agree that you should have to sit home alone while he makes his trips to D.C. He should offer to take you up there with him. Or maybe you even say you want to go! Instead of sitting there wondering why your not fitting in, make yourself fit in. You want to be part of his life? Then, put yourself out there with him. The drive up there would be a PERFECT time to talk!
Also, you should be happy that this man puts his son first! Whats that tell you is going to happen when you two have children of your own (If it gets that far)? To me, he sounds like a great dad. He's there for his son. Wants to spend as much time with him as he can.
Dont try to change that. Because if you do, it'll not only affect the father and make him resent you for it later on, but it'll affect the child. And that, you have NO right to do.
Loki | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:06:37 AM | As above poster says. You can't understand the love of a parent/child relationship until you have your own
A single dad doing everything he can for his child should be praised and respected and supported. He must be a strong person to put up with a selfish, jealous GF and clearly you do not deserve him. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:13:34 AM | Everyone keeps bashing her for being jealous. (And yes, I know i'm going to get flamed for this myself). I can see where jealousy is coming into this.
But you also have to take into account other things. He made her sleep on the couch? While married!?! The new guy takes off for the weekend leaving her alone? Come on here. I'd be jealous too!
Yes, I wont deny that these men are good fathers and are following their responsibility. But they are neglecting thier other responsibilities with her. She will always come in second to the child, but why cant she be involved? Why does she always have to be thrown to the sidelines? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:21:15 AM | Although I am not agreeing with all the OP has to say,(because she she really doesn't get it)
I do have my own issues with this senario
When his son would stay with us, I had to sleep on the couch. He didn't want to chance his son walking in the bedroom and seeing us laying in the same bed together
they were married !!!. Doesn't anyone else think this is going a bit too far?
Keeping your children a #1 priority is expected indeed, but this sounds like the boy isn't being taught what a "heathy" adult relationship is either.
Yes, the kids should take top priority but they also have to learn that the parents do need to have other relationships and activities that don't completey revolve around them.
Your children have joined your life, but need to respect all aspects of it.[ within reason]
If you are going to dedicate all of your emotional and physical self to your kids 24-7 , you are going to create very self centred little people.
In a few years when your children leave home you will be feeling very lost.....and have given them very few tools to develop relationships inthe future.
Of course my kids come 1st in all I do....but I need to have other healthy relationships or I would go insane !!!! | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:38:50 AM | Beka37184 . after reading all that here is my 2 cents worth.
1) to even think of yourself and his child as a " competition" is pathetic and totally selfish , a grown woman even thinking of competing with someones child is very sad and very unfair.
2) however something wrong in this.... married people shouldn't have to sleep separately though
When his son would stay with us, I had to sleep on the couch. He didn't want to chance his son walking in the bedroom and seeing us laying in the same bed together. Ugh!
3)I think you are very very selfish and you will NEVER get a decent man if you expect to come before their children.
What planet are you on for gods sake.
I will ALWAYS put my child before any man and any DECENT man will do the same.
YOU make yourself feel the outsider, and to behave so ridiculously will get you nowhere. You are woman that should stay away from men with children as you are not ready to be around someones child, until you have children of your own you will NEVER understand.
Thats my opinion, | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 4:29:11 AM | Maybe if you had / have kids you would look at the situation differently. Kids are suppose to come first despite the nature of the relationship with the parent and child and with the girlfriend/spouse. When a man/person has a child and is seeing someone else, bear in mind that child will always question 'why can't mummy be with daddy'? and vice versa. The parent the child does not live with on a fulltime basis will need to put 200% into forming a bond with the child. At least give your ex a bit a credit for putting his child first, alot of men out there have turned theit backs on their kid/s.
If you are suppose to be #1 with your partner then you need to accept that he has a child and you need to understand and accept that child as your own and as having a part of your life.
A child needs more love and attention than a mature adult....get use to it.
Why do you have to saty home alone on weekend and holidays? Whay can't you spend this time with the new hubby and the child? This child is going to play a huge role in your relationship...if you are smart, and you want this to work, then I suggest you start playing a part in this.
Your partner has every right to come to you with his problems....would you prefer he took those issues to another person?
I'd say suck it up and stop whining about it all and try to be supportive of the hubby and child. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 4:32:52 AM | I agree with other's about a) you being selfish and b) you needing to date guy with no children.
Any parent will put their child first before anyone else unless you are a dead beat parent. Your bf only get's to see his son on th weekends, you have the rest of the week to have his attention so use that time to do the things with him. And if you have to sit there and compete with his child, or I should say feel like you have to then thereare some serious issues there.
Yes I agree it is wrong of your ex husband to make you sleep on the couch when his child was there but why didnt you tell him no? Why didnt you make HIM sleep on the couch if it was such a big issue with him? Why didnt you explaine to his child that you were both married and married people sleep in the same room in the same bed????
You should be happy that your bf is spending time with his child and putting his child first. What would you rather be with someone who doesnt have anything to do with their child? That is just wrong, look at it this way, if you were to have a child with someone wouldnt you want them to be in your child's life? How would you feel if you were in a situation where you had a child with someone and then split up and he got another gf and she was the way you are with your child? Bet you wouldnt like it would you? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 4:43:47 AM | You are one BIG selffish person OP.
If you spend ALL YOUR TIME with him, and he only see's his kid(s) a couple times a week OFCOURS he will put them #1.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?????
You definitly need to date men WITHOUT kids.
Cause you'll NEVER be #1 with a man who has kids.
OH why not date a DEADBEAT DAD
Like that you won't have that problem.... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 5:00:21 AM | You are one BIG selffish person OP.
Why? Because she wants to be loved and respected by a partner whom she has devoted herself to?
Yes, a child's needs come first, but this whole martyr syndrome that single parents seem to feel in which they cannot devote any time to anyone other than their children has gotten a little out of hand. I mean Jesus... my parents took care of me and made sure I had what I needed, but not at the expense of creating a life for themselves that was completely devoid of relationships with other human beings.
People need to grow up and realize that it's not selfish to want to be loved by your partner. Loving more people than just your child(ren) is not a mortal sin. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 5:13:35 AM |
People need to grow up and realize that it's not selfish to want to be loved by your partner. Loving more people than just your child(ren) is not a mortal sin.
We do realze that people want to be loved but what the OP has to understand is that he can love both his son and her, it just takes some proper planing.
Why? Because she wants to be loved and respected by a partner whom she has devoted herself to?
She has been with him for 3 freekin months! and she expect's him to put her first before his child????? I think not.
Yes single parent's can have relationship's with other people other then their children, but that person that you have the relationship either has to accept your child or not, and I am almost sure most people would say that if they dont accept the child then they are not the person to be with.
And with this situation it seems like she doesnt accept his child if she has to feel like she is competeing with a child! Come on now is she an adult or a child in grade school fighting over who is going to be friends with who? | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 6:23:05 AM | oh come on guys... give the girl a break... shes only 20 years old and obviously didnt learn from her first experience....and i doubt she would learn from this one either... shes still in the me me me me stage in her life... and cant see what a decent guy she does have... hell if she was understanding and accepting of guy with kids she wouldnt be here having a hissy fit...
seeing as it is only 3months with her new boyfriend she shitting in her own bed if she doesnt like it.... but personally if i was in her shoes... i would be using that free time i would have with myself to catching with friends and family keeping that bond to which ya had before the new guy came along... or seeing as she is in law enforcement i would be asking to work the weekend shift on the weekends that he is away if he is not comfortable with me going along for the visits with his son....
ive experienced first hand on what a female like this can do to a family..... my son is just starting to see his father again after 3 years... and it is only coz the gf is now working weekends and he is bored sitting at home by himself... my sons father moved up to my state 3 years ago with gf intow ... before that they had been together for 10months... she had him to herself for 6 of those months before my son had contact with his father... he was only to be visiting for 3 weeks.... and 2 days into the visit she started her crap.. demanding him drop everything coz she had to go here or do that... and didnt like my ex spending time with his son who he hadnt seen for months before.... mind you she said she was ok with him having a child... once they made the move she was forever trying to stop the contact... she succeed... she got all the attention she was wanting... the gf also doesnt know that my ex has been seeing his son... or spending money on presents as he has been hiding them at his sisters place and she has been picking him up so it looks like they are going somewhere for the day....she too was the same age as the OP when all this shit started....
but like what many of the other posters have said... if ya dont like it... and you know ya dont like it.... dont be with someone who has kids... so stop lying to yourself that you are ok with it .... i do however feel sorry for your future partner whom does father your kids and for those kids if you are acting like this now i honestly dont want to know how you will act when you do have your own one day... you should be seeing it as a trail run for when you do have your own when you do date men with kids.....
i will leave a little side note... this is what i told my sons father the other week...
when you become a parent your wants and needs dont exist or matter anymore... you arent on top of your list... and you have been replaced by the children you bring into this world.... if you do have wants and needs list you have to think of other people and how that list will effect them as they will be effected either way of what you do choose to do... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 6:50:41 AM | | I have dated where it came to the girl having a child , not mine. Ages with the kids ranged from 6 months to 17 years old. Seems to me many people , men or women, come on a dating site ,looking for a mate, and one of the FIRST things they say is "my kids come first " . I cannot agree with that at all. YOU come first. If there is no YOU there is no THEM. How can the children be happy if your not happy? I have found that if a man or woman want to commit to a relationship, they better damn well open themselves up to INCLUDE the realtionship. Or stop wasting other peoples time. Incorperate activities together with the kids. Share activities together. There should be time for them, and time for your relationship. Balance it if you can. Dont pull that crap on a mate right off the bat and make them feel second rate or non included. If you do that then spend the rest of your life with the kids, and DONT put another person who likes you and wants a relationship with you through that. It isnt fair . I wasnt the father of these children and they knew that...but we did many things together. Went on dates to the Zoo. Or go on a picnic or fishing. Watch a movie together. They would talk to me as a buddy and an adult figure in thier mom's life that they could trust ... SHARE the relationship. Yes of course children have needs and cannot be left to make thier own decisions obviously..Being dominant or close minded or "this is the way it is and thats that! " you will live a lonely life. Oh yeah you will have your kids because they are" first ". But what are ya gonna do when they have grown ? ahhh too late now. Be creative and imaginative. Not selfish. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:02:02 AM | I had to come back again after reading your profile page from top to bottom.....
The you....... you portray here is a total contrast to your page..... I think by all you wrote on that page..... take your own advice..... | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:06:45 AM | You can all be upset with me....
The OP has every right to feel the way she does no matter her age.
I think the problem with a lot of people is once they have children they don't exactly know how to integrate soemone new in their lives and their own guilt for whatever reason (usually around the child having only one parent) gets in the way of them being happy.
One can still lead a normal adult life even after children. If you have a good support system in place ie: family and friends, then you should have an abundance of sitters for when you need some "you" or "couple" time. Life doesn't end when children are born, and the second half of a relationship shouldn't feel left out.
I could go on and on with this and delve into the OP's supposed issues around her partners child and how she changes the dynamic and her anger doesn't help but there isn't enough space and you won't read my post if it's too long 
Meh... take it for what it is. People (in most cases) use their children as scapegoats to halt their happiness and true life fulfillment. | |
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| When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/4/2007 7:14:05 AM | diggy03. I can't believe you can justify her actions......
You can all be upset with me....
The OP has every right to feel the way she does no matter her age.
I think the problem with a lot of people is once they have children they don't exactly know how to integrate soemone new in their lives and their own guilt for whatever reason (usually around the child having only one parent) gets in the way of them being happy.
One can still lead a normal adult life even after children. If you have a good support system in place ie: family and friends, then you should have an abundance of sitters for when you need some "you" or "couple" time. Life doesn't end when children are born, and the second half of a relationship shouldn't feel left out.
I could go on and on with this and delve into the OP's supposed issues around her partners child and how she changes the dynamic and her anger doesn't help but there isn't enough space and you won't read my post if it's too long
Meh... take it for what it is. People (in most cases) use their children as scapegoats to halt their happiness and true life fulfillment. | |
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