| Better than ham?
Posted: 7/4/2007 9:05:49 PM | Scenario: A bishop (B) and a rabbi (R) are sharing a train compartment. After a short while, the two men of the cloth start relating some of their past life experiences...
(General conversation...)
B: So tell me, rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?
R: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I tried it. But only the once...
(short pause)
R: So tell me bishop, have you ever ... enjoyed the comforts of a young woman?
B: Well, ahem, yes... before I took my vows, mind you, when I was not so old and not so wise...
[another short pause]
R: Zo, it's better than ham, hmm? | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 7/9/2007 9:01:21 PM | The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more. | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 7/10/2007 7:23:48 PM | Ewwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! But funny. :-p
I don't like things that make noise at me though. I won't buy a Coke from a vending machine that talks even. I don't want my ATM talking either. | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 7/22/2007 3:32:34 PM | A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out
a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!"
the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain
killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
on to when I pull out your tooth." | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 7/30/2007 11:08:56 PM | Heard recently:
My son had some minor surgery and was given some powerful pain
killer pills to help with recovery. Also, his mother bought him
the latest installment of Guitar Hero.
I told my son not to expect to excel at Guitar Hero because it
is very difficult to play a musical instrument while taking drugs.
I suddenly realized what a stupid thing I had just said. | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 8/9/2007 12:31:35 AM | | In light of the recent arrests of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department announced today that they will replace the traditional practice of preparing a "photo array" of mugshots to show to witnesses with the less costly alternative of a subscription to People Magazine. | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 8/9/2007 8:01:55 PM |  (Do they have peeing your pants icons on here??) | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 8/9/2007 8:03:40 PM | | That last comment was in regards to the "Dentist" ,,,Eek!! | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 9/18/2007 2:13:57 PM | A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie
his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD
to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that
my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people."...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his
talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first
person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late! | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 9/18/2007 2:18:28 PM | | ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TOUCHE!!!! that's the best laugh I have had all day ty. ahahahaha | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 9/23/2007 4:03:05 PM | A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small
demonstration of her abilities. First, she reads the mind of the lead
guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"
Then the drummer:
"Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money
tonight"
Then the Keyboard player:
"All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of
losers"
Finally, the Bass player:
"C...G...C...G..." | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 10/30/2007 11:28:19 PM | A mass murderer gets a letter from his dad..."Son, I wish you were home to help me harvest the potatoes"
He writes back "Dad, don't do it! That's where the bodies are buried!"
The next day a swarm of police show up at the farm with back-hoes and shovels. They dig the entire field, but find nothing.
The day after that, the farmer gets a letter from his son..."Hope that helped" | |
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| Better than ham?
Posted: 5/26/2008 5:43:10 PM | | German Police were operating a speed camera van when some young men came up and started praising their work. While the police were distracted, two others took the license plates off the van. These were fitted to a vehicle which was driven past the camera van several times at high speed. As a result, the van clocked itself speeding about 18 times. | |
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