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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .      Home login  
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 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 1
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Been reading these threads for quite a while now, and realize that perhaps my cyber relationships are different than most. And wondering why?

I got my first computer, post web, in 2003. Found my first blog that December. It was a political blog, and very very active. I knew within a month those that I would be able to love. Over the next six months, that sense grew. Many of us met that summer. I was in no way surprised at any of them. Mind you, we met sight unseen. No pictures had been exchanged. We just walked into each others' lives and were as real in person as we'd been in cyber-space. One that I didn't meet that summer later came into real life, and we lived together until he died. No surprises there, either.

So, in three years plus of meeting people, letting them into my real life, with one exception, everyone has been exactly who they said they were, and my mind, body, soul reacted exactly as I expected. The one exception was from here (PoF), and was as best I can describe, a sociopath. But I've had a couple of those in my life long before the internets, and they are no easier to detect face to face than in cyber space.

I don't think of myself as extra cautious nor in any way paranoid. I guess I'm saying, I don't understand what all the "fear of online relationships" comes from. Are *we* (over 45) doing better than average because we've somehow learned realism, or worse, because we're *desperate* to find that last love, and therefore ignore warning signals that those younger than us with more time to go don't?

 cdn_guy
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 2
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/10/2007 3:52:03 PM
I agree completely with your observations, Ms. Wooby. I’ve met/dated a number of people from this and other on-line environments and people have been as you say ... almost exactly as I would have expected. Even the sole person that I had a bit of difficulty with, I was warned by that person that she was not ‘the norm’ – to which I happily said: “No problem.” (well, d’uh! ... lol). What I have noticed in my time on-line, and specifically in dating environments, is that the younger folks are predominantly more paranoid and fearful of on-line disasters. And I think the reasoning behind this is simple, really. We, the Over 45’s, grew up in a different world, where trust was more implicit. How many of us on this forum remember growing up in houses where front doors were never locked, where cars were left unlocked to go to the grocery store? And I think we have retained much of what we were in our youths as we've aged. The young of today, by comparison, have grown up in a much different world, where paranoia and fear are much more prevalent. So they enter into the on-line environment expecting lies and deception, and surprise ... that is what they find.

cdn guy
 RussetAutumnRose
Joined: 1/27/2007
Msg: 3
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/10/2007 3:52:39 PM
I don't understand the fear either! I've been single for many years, by choice, and most of the men I've met were pretty nice. Some from the internet, and some from printed ads.. I've actually had what I consider to be, great success, dating as much as I wanted and a couple of really great relationships. One for 3 years and one for 5. I've had no horror stories to tell! I've found just what I was looking for.

Sometimes I think that's what happens. If we look for dishonesty and deceit, that's what we find. I'm a very trusting person, so I automatically trust the men I meet, after talking with them long enough to build that trust. Being single as long as I've been, I'm a pretty good judge of character. And when I read on here about "googling" and tracking so called boyfriends from site to site, it's funny to me!
I had a couple of doozies in my life before the advent of ads, but after that I decided I'd just pick and choose 'til I find just what I like, and that's what I do. So Wooby, I'm just lovin' this 'net thing!!! I've found that most are what they say they are.
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 4
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/10/2007 4:04:02 PM
Count me in as another person who prefers to still believe in people. I am not usually disappointed and have a fairly good sense of judgement when it comes to who I wish to meet. Having said that I do not take unnecessary risks with my safety, and have not found that to be a problem with most gentleman, so it's public places and my own transportation for the first few dates until a rapport is built. All in all, I am enjoying my time on POF, in the forums, getting out and meeting people and enriching my life by knowing them. Love is possible for any age but then I AM AN OPTIMIST.
 bolond
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 5
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/10/2007 4:09:18 PM
I have been in the security business for the better part of 32 years. 15 of them was wearing a badge & gun where most nights you would have literally seconds to decide if you were going to say hello to someone or pull your weapon (gun) and keep it trained on them while you determined if you wanted to talk to them. And yet, I still recall buying a house and then subsequently selling it and turning a multimillion dollar farm deal on a mere handshake. Today, you might want to count your fingers after the handshake to ensure you still have five fingers, let alone a watch and rings. BUT... we grew up in the age of free love and sex drugs and rock & roll. All that will get you today is a bad case of STDs.

But as stated by the OP and Cdn Guy, wed are more open and liberal and "trusting" when it comes to affairs of the heart. We check our bank statements, double check everything a lawyer hands us, but, throw our hearts around willy nilly. I'm no different. I will never screwed over in a business deal, but my heart is an open book and spends most of its time near the curb where it has been kicked to. Will I learn from this and perhaps change? Not bloody likely!!! I'm falling "in love" ..again, as I write this. Perhaps we are too trusting....or perhaps it is what is sadly missing from the world today.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 6
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/10/2007 5:09:02 PM
There really is no reason to be paranoid about online encounters. Good common sense requires that people be cautious, online and off.
However, my experience is that being online a person can be anything he wants to be, even if this is only in his/her own mind.
People tend to project different personalities online, knowing that they are within their safety zone, their computer.
I do not have horror stories either, but I have met some less than desirable characters. I have always been vigilant and safety oriented, not necessarily only regarding my physical safety. I have come across some unscrupulous people, but then again this happens in real life too.
I prefer the option of being able to screen potential dates on line, before I decide to meet. It is by no means a guarantee of the person's integrity, but the screening process helps eliminate obvious problems.
I have to reinforce OP's question about desperation. I think that this particular state of mind leads to a reckless behavior and flawed judgment.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 7
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 11:38:02 AM
OP, have to agree...I figure it's because we've been around a bit, had some experience, learned some things, and have realized that there are good and bad people everywhere but usually more good than bad. Plus we also know what mistakes not to make again ;) I see so many posts from younger people (teens through mid 30s) who are making many of the same mistakes many of us probably made when we were younger, but they now also have to contend with the internet and online dating - which opens up a lot bigger range of people and which percentage-wise will have that many more strange ones.

I haven't had a bad experience once in 2 years of being online; but then I also don't go meeting any and everyone who contacts me. I know many in our age range that are looking for a long-term relationship who do the same...maybe it's because we know what we want and being busy and having full lives we don't want to waste time meeting people we already know aren't a good fit. We do our weeding before we meet people in person, whereas many of those posting about bad experiences appear to meet just about anyone.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 8
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 12:24:13 PM
So let me be the first to say "nuh uh"!!

My first online date turned into a stalker situation. I had to have my cell phone number and web address changed, filed a police report and dealt with the fear that this whacko would find out where I lived! All from a DINNER DATE with NO DESSERT! lol

Second online date tried to molest me on our first date... out in PUBLIC.

So yeah cdn_guy, I also grew up with that "safer than most" mentality, but things here, online, have made me more suspicious of everyone....

Now I don't give my cell out if it can be avoided, try to keep them off my personal email addy and like in the past, NEVER EVER give out my last name, address or home phone number...

Too cautious? I think not. As a single gal, living alone, it's just common sense these days.

Things are different. Times have changed.

So have I.....
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 9
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 12:38:49 PM
There are definately people that we need to avoid on the internet. (UNfortunately).

Want to see me good from angel to there worse nightmare in less than a second ?

On the internet, I have learned to put out my boundries real early. Most of those we need to avoid will quickly move on to more vulnerable prey.

I find it wise to always remember that bad things do happen to good people.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 10
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 1:28:27 PM
Msg 8...I'm sorry that happened to you...and, as women, we do have to be more cautious in some ways in many areas of our lives...But creeps like those could have happened regardless of how and where you met those two guys...simply because that's the type of people they were. But if it's happened to you more than once, then maybe you should look at the types of people you're agreeing to meet and see if there's anything similar about them, and about what caused you to pick them. I'm not saying anyone deserves anything like this to happen to them, not at all; just that we also share some responsibility in choosing who we meet and we also need to be cautious about that.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 11
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 2:30:52 PM
A genius can't see through some creeps. I says make it clear from the begining that no nonsense will be tolerated, and that any non sense will be dealt with.

I comes it crystal clear that I am not into sports sex before meeting anybody.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 12
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/11/2007 4:47:08 PM

How many of us on this forum remember growing up in houses where front doors were never locked, where cars were left unlocked to go to the grocery store?


Perhaps I shouldn't admit it, but I still do. If my keys weren't in the ignition, I wouldn't know where they were. I *have* been known to lock the front door of the house when leaving for a month or six weeks. . . .


 cdn_guy
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 13
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/12/2007 12:17:12 PM
I so hate to hear experiences like Ms. Bullie's in msg. 8 and how the lunatics on the internet will discolour a decent person's internet experience. It's such a shame that things like this happen -- and I'll admit that I've heard a lot of stories like this from those that I've met on-line. I've had some experience with this myself -- a stalker (of sorts) and another who's given me a bit of 'grief' over my time on-line -- but I try to forget these two isolated events. I woke up one day last month and had a 'real bad day', but surrounding that day were many other days that were quite nice. And it is these 'majority of days' that I choose to remember. Yeah, I suppose I wear rose-coloured glasses sometimes to colour my reality to what I want to see, but what that's done for me is make it so that "love on the net" has been a pretty nice experience for me.

cdn guy
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 14
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/12/2007 1:30:03 PM
But if it's happened to you more than once, then maybe you should look at the types of people you're agreeing to meet and see if there's anything similar about them, and about what caused you to pick them. I'm not saying anyone deserves anything like this to happen to them, not at all; just that we also share some responsibility in choosing who we meet and we also need to be cautious about that.

C'mon girl... even you can't buy into that! Don't assume I'm a victim in either case, cuz this bullie is NO ONE'S victim... and it has NOTHING to do with the kind of men I attract myself to... there are freaks and whacks cleverly disguised as normal folk.

Thank you to Moraima for your words....

The net IS different than dating from the past. And anyone that says different is living in some parallel universe! We have this screen separating us and working as a matchmaker and there aren't the same values and courtesies that used to be attached to meeting one on one....

People can and do act differently.... as witnessed by the threads here.... there are so many conversations going on via phone or emails prior to meeting, lots of "getting it out there" before actually doing the face to face... that the courtship is very, very different!

Online dating at our age comes with a lot of knowledge and wisdom on our parts, but not a lot of cyber smarts unless you've been doing it since the dawn of the keyboard...

So I stand by my choices and my future decisions.... I trust everyone and no one.

bullie
 RussetAutumnRose
Joined: 1/27/2007
Msg: 15
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/12/2007 1:36:03 PM
While I don't get into the "paranoia" that some seem to experience from internet dating, I am very particular about who I choose to meet. I've talked to many men, over the years, but met comparatively few, percentage-wise.

After talking to someone a few times, usually if they are a little "off center", that comes through before I actually meet them. Which lets me know not to!

So far, my intuition or judgement has not let me down. There were a couple along the way who didn't want to take no for an answer, when I chose not to see them again, but I managed to avoid having to take any drastic measures to let them know I meant what I said. As for them trying to make out with me on the first date, my attitude and my body language precludes that!! (If I didn't want it!) I've never put myself in a position of being vulnerable, taking certain precautions, no matter how much I trusted them.
So, I have nothing but good memories about my internet experiences, and am still making them!
But if any had tried to molest me, I would have taken action, like having them arrested. Depends on what you mean by molest.
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 16
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 11:01:26 AM
It is nice to have radar though and I think it builds with experience.

Just had a gentleman contact me who said he was moving to my town from Quebec City in September - wanted me to send him photos - I did the ones from here and a few more. We talked on the phone once and saw each other on webcam (fully clothed ).
He trys to convince me to visit him in Quebec City before Sept; I say no, as I do not consider it safe to go visit a strange man, in a strange city, where the 1st language spoken isn't mine. WTF ?? #1

He then throws a twist at me, in the middle of our 2nd phone call, that ok then, there is no point our talking till after Christmas ? ( any red flags going off for you ladies yet - ) WTF?? #2 - 2 strikes so far and this 2nd one seems like a power game to me, especially since he says - "You'll probably break down and call me, before then( he doesn't know me very ). I had make him a tag with a beagle, as he said had had a beagle, and loved dogs. I send him this signature tag, I made him , and this is what he wrote back:


Hi Bonnie,
Well you sure figured out my weak spot as well as the fastest way to get to my heart lol
Scary what else you could do with me lol
I feel like it's Christmas and New Year's lol
Could you e-mail me your photos and phone number(s)?
Looking forward to talking with you


WTF ??? # 3 !!! he had forgotten who I was . I replied that I was glad he had liked the tag,I made him, that he already had my photos and number, but I suspected with all the women he was playing, it was probably hard for him to keep track. I also told him I wasn't into crowds .

So yeah there are baddies but radar and common sense helps us keep their infleunce on us to a minimum hopefully, and if any of my women friends want this guy's name so they can be warned ahead of time, email me

I am off to see if there are any good fish around - bass, trout, pike, muskeg - these sucker fish just annoy me - happy and safe everyone
 lovin2blivin
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 17
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 12:07:41 PM
I hear ya wooby, it seems like there is so much Taboo put on meeting someone online that it is enough to immobilize most. It almost seems that a background check, bank statement, list of references and letter of recommendation is needed before agreeing to go for coffee! I doubt if our parents would ever had us had they been under such scrutiny!

A meet for coffee is not a life time commitment. Everyone online isn't on 'The Most Wanted List' in the nearby Police station. People meet people everyday and share a moment of their time with total strangers and never think twice about it. Yes, the fist few conversations can give off messages that you either like or dislike and it's up to each individual how they proceed or don't from there.

It is difficult to find someone you 'think' would be a good match, and later find yourself 'deleted' after the first meet, but that's a chance all of us took when we decided to join this site. A coffee is just a coffee, for heavens sake! Have an escape plan if you need one, but for your own sake, give yourself a chance to exercise your social skills and be a command post in the direction your life takes and not an undercover detective...sorry for the pun.
 RapunzelRapunzel
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 18
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 1:22:34 PM
I used to always expect the best of people. I miss that girl sometimes, lol. Perhaps you had good luck with the people from the political forums because the initial exchanges were not about dating? You can learn a lot about people by looking at how they react in a group or forum situation. When corresponding with a meet and greet in mind a Catch-22 can occur. If you wait too long the person has way too time to create a false façade, either because they want so badly to make a good impression, or they are just a sleazy charlatan. Meet too soon and you may be in for some nasty surprises. My early meet with my present BF was not, but I think it was all luck. We did not have time to get all moochy, smoochy through IM and email. We were just meeting as potential friends. No pressure. That helped I think, no time to build huge expectations.

To answer you, yes, I think I am certainly more jaded and cautious now, but only in the sense I do not meet them at my home nor job. I don’t hop in their car. Otherwise I think I am just as open and friendly, without giving out too much fodder for potential stalkers. If this relationship tanks I’d certainly attempt online dating again. Heck, we all work so much this day and age (at least I do, wah!) how else we gonna connect? Sigh.

Good question, btw.

Rapunzel
 aoibheann
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 19
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 2:12:14 PM
Wooby, your aura spreads so wide, you attract what you are!!! Women confident, sensual, emanate warmth and conviviality and people of all kinds gravitate to you like you are the north star..... surely you, in your wisdom, in your grace, know this deep within yourself, and perhaps your experiences here are a bit extraordinary because YOU are so extraordinary!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on the other hand there are those who have absolutely no confidence whatsoever, and no one at all appears in the mailbox...go figure!!!! the karmic laws seem to be true- you attract what you believe. I don't think it is an age thing at all Woobs, I think it is all about those rules of attraction
 SimplySweet45
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 20
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 2:23:22 PM
If pof is the only site you've been on interacting with people you would most likely start off being very trusting. Speaking for myself only, from being on a yahoo gaming site I've seen it all. I play exclusively in one room on yahoo and got to meet a lot of people.
Just to give you an example 3 people from one family joined my league. One was the "father" the other was the "daughter and son". Over a two year period the brother died in a horrible car crash and the father had a heart attack and died. We later found out one person made all three id's and posed as the three different people. Once she killed off the brother and the father she disappeared. We also learned when she told us of each death ,she made other id's and came in the room and sat there in lobby chat incognito and listened to us talk about how sad we all were over what happened. Thats only one example. There are so many others.
My point is anyone can create an id and be anything they want to be. If you are going to share personal information about yourself be very careful and make sure you really get to know someone. We teach our kids safty on the internet and we need to pratice what we preach.
JMO based on things I've encountered being on the net a couple of years. Having said that we all know there are also very many honest people on here.
Beware of the "bottom feeders"
 des1
Joined: 6/17/2007
Msg: 21
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 8:00:43 PM
that is scary...hope you don't meet any more stalkers!
 antjeanie
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 22
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 8:54:19 PM
I have to say that I haven't met ant REAL wierdos here. Some have been questionable
----but I don't meet them. The people that I have met, and the people that I keep in
touch with (mostly met thru the forums)---are really nice people, and friends.
Remember the "old days" when you would meet someone in a bar, nightclub, etc-----------you would give your phone #---if you were interested------they would call you---------and you would either say yes or no-------and you would go out!! There wasen't
all this stuff about "talking" for 3 months before you decided if you wanted to meet or not! Now we " meet" people that we may have an interest in----and have to live thru the cyber-space rules------=whatever they are. OH--------for the old days!!
 Golconda
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 23
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 9:37:22 PM

My first online date turned into a stalker situation. I had to have my cell phone number and web address changed, filed a police report and dealt with the fear that this whacko would find out where I lived! All from a DINNER DATE with NO DESSERT! lol

Second online date tried to molest me on our first date... out in PUBLIC.


This sounds like an incredible string of bad luck. For the most part the people I've talked with about online dating have not had these bad experiences. It is always a good idea to be very cautious on the first date to meet in a public place and understand that either person can end the date if things are not going well.
 ms-deb
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 24
Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:51:59 PM
Hey Antjeanie.....that is so true...........oh just to meet nice men now adays is a challenge......
I say we are computer handicapped!!!!
Where is the love that we so desire......????
 Mishigan
Joined: 6/8/2007
Msg: 25
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Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .
Posted: 7/14/2007 4:04:16 AM
I completely agree with cdn about the different generations we have grown up in and the climate of fear and paranoia we have descended into. I was going to say that the internet is probably no worse than any other cross-section of people whom you might find in a department store or at a sporting event with regard to the number of unbalanced personalities one might run across - but, it is probably much worse by it's very nature - providing cover and anonymity in a "Wild West" type environment to the more nefarious types to practice their harassment, scams and con-games...
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Love on the 'net, at our age. . . .