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 gruurly
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 1
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While PregnantPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Long story short: together 4 1/2 years, moved to where I am now at his request six months ago. January 2007 he promised if I got pregnant 'accidentally' he'd stick by me no matter what, and also promised to support me while I got my business back on track. All were issues previously in the relationship and why they were discussed.

Fast forward to April 14th, when he ended the relationship. The next day I found out I was pregnant, and told him. "It doesn't change anything," he said. I had no reliable income, no place to live, and no family (both parents passed years ago) or friends (I'm having a hard time meeting people in this town).

So. I'm out of my 'bad place' for the most part emotionally, have some income scattered here and there, and have my own safe place to live. Still, it's a small town and I've run into him on more than one occasion. Plus, he's advised me he's already going on dates with new prospects. I'm now five months pregnant, and last time we spoke he told me he felt it 'morally wrong' for us to be friends.

What I'm looking for is advice. I realize I need to get over this relationship, but am struggling big time. Every kick I feel from the wee one reminds me of him, and his lack of respect, commitment, and absence in this kids life. What can I do to move on and deal with the resentment and betrayal I still feel?

The floor is open... :)
 kempenfeltlady
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 2
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:11:27 PM
1. Get legal aid and do whatever it takes to secure some amount of child support. He's help to make this child, and he needs to take responsibility for that action.

2. Once you've managed to do that, if you can - move back to where you want to 'be' to raise your child.

3. You're going to have to be tough and strong, but you sound like the kind of woman who can do it! Begin your new life with your wee 'angel'....and don't look back. If you manage to get support from him..that's a bonus..but don't count on it.

4. As my grandfather used to say "when the going gets tough..the tough get going!"

5. As we both know.....he's the supreme loser in this scenario. You on the other hand have a wonderful, yet demanding time ahead..but goodness..so well worth it. Perhaps one day when you're ready and everything seems to be in order....a 'real' man will come along to love you and your child, the way a 'real' man would.

I have a feeling you are going to be fine. In fact, I have a feeling that you'll be better off without this poor excuse of a man in your life and in your child's life...messing it up, upsetting you.- disappointing your child. You don't need that.

When you feel that 'wee' one kicking....you pat yourself on the back because you're already being the best 'mommy' in the world. Perhaps that kick is from your child saying "hey mom, we're going to take this world by storm!'
 TessWa
Joined: 1/2/2007
Msg: 3
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/15/2007 8:34:42 PM
Okay this is freaky. My life sounds very similar to yours. From the moment I told my boyfriend of 3 years the famous words, "I'm pregnant" we broke up almost at the same moment. I am sure you have already experienced the sucky parts. No one to bring you the ice cream in the middle of the night. No one to massage your back ache or rub your feet.

Yeah it sucks big time. I choose to keep my child's father in her life. I made it clear to him in the beginning that financially he would have to help out. I also told him I hoped he would choose to be in her life. He did. The hard part was having to see him every week after our breakup to pick up my daughter ect. The hard part is sometimes holding back your true thoughts in front of your child then later sending a blasting email to the ex. My daughter is a pretty well rounded kid. I am glad she knows both of her parents.

My advice to you is get some close friends. Try to connect with some type of new mom group. Parents without partners. You need a support line. I was lucky and had a mother in town to help me with the 2am I-can't-figure-out-what- the -hell- this- kid- wants screams.

Good luck to you. It will be the hardest and the most rewarding job you will ever do.
 caseyr4u
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 4
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/15/2007 9:08:16 PM
I know you are going to regret what I am telling you. BUT listen HARD. I want you to get 2 journels, 1 for you and 1 for your baby. EVERY EMOTION, HATRED, HURT AND EVERY FEELING you have; you need to express in that notebook, NO ONE reads it but you. Every thing or feeling your baby gives you, you need to write it down in a notebook. This is the best healing process. I have been exectly where you are at now. My family turned me away, his family turned me away, he turned me away. I knew love thru my son. I went to college, I was on Welfare, food stamps, and had a medical card at the age of 21. He dumped me right after I found out I was pregnant. I know this is the hard part, BUT YOU NEED TO DO IT. Every time you see him, SAY HELLO, BYE, and let me know right now, it is either now or never on this kid. Every day you write in those journels you will acquire a lot of them, They will and can be used into court for your fact and prove he abondened you both. I know it will be hard, but you have the best part of him, growing in you, he might be his twin when you grows up. Can you love him thru a baby's point of view? He or she might have his nose, or his eyes, or his hair or his built. IT is going to be the best part of you. LOVING THAT BABY. IF you hate him, you will hate your baby, YOU LOOK AT THIS THAT HE IS AN IDOIT, WHO WOULD LOVE YOU BETTER, YOU OR A STRANGER? WHO WOULD CARE FOR YOU BETTER? If he knew what LOVE WAS, HE would be financial secured, and have a house and a great paycheck coming in to care for you. SEX anyone can do that , a pair of hands is the safest way, no diseases or babies. I don't know where you live, I live in Davenport, IOWA, I would be honoured to help you both out, I don't have much. You need to get on a medical card, welfare, food stamps, you need to be spending that money and more. Because the state will make him pay it all back, attend school on him, eat great foods on him. Babies are not cheap that hospital bill alone will be $8000 including doctors visits. Believe me I know, he was an idoit, for dumping you, YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE OF LOVE AND BEAUTY! YOU ARE FANASTIC! YOU NEED TO MAKE YOU UP A LIST OF EVERY THING YOU AND ONLY YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH IN YOUR LIFE AND DO IT. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT OR THE PLACE YOU ARE STAYING AT, AND YOU NEED TO GO SIT DOWN BY A BEAUTIFUL SPOT when it isn't too hot and enjoy the weather, or the ducks, and learn yoga, the reason, I am telling you this is, it teaches you to relax and how to breathe correctly this will help you in labor, and a cheap method is make a fist and hold your arms besided you and feel the weight and then release them, You need to reteach yourself how to relax and rest. If I was there,I would give you a great hug and let's get to work shopping for your baby. Buying and picking out colors for your nursery, yellows or whites, But, I know you are probably thinking about abortions, AND DON'T. THERE ARE FAMILIES OUT THERE THAT WOULD GIVE YOUR BABY A HOME, but, You would regret it in the long run. That is your family, your only family. YOUR BABY WILL LOVE YOU AND DEPEND ON YOU TO CARE FOR HIM OR HER. I started preparing for names when I got dumped. I know your finances are tight, I am going to give you two emails, and my cell phone number. I will help you out anyway I can. I have 4 almost grown sons now, my 22 year was the one his father walked out on me, I was 2 months pregnant, He is in college in IN, 18 just joined the army, he is in MO, 2 more are at home. All sons, no girls, which I wanted badly. I love kids. That journel in time, you will read when you grow more and you will wonder why did I ever pick an IDOIT TO BE ME, TO LOVE ME, AND WHY WOULD I WANT THIS IDOIT TO GROW OLD WITH ME. HE WOULD NEVER STAND BY YOU THEN LIKE HE WOULDN'T STAND BY YOU NOW. IF I can find someone when my son was 2 yrs old and got married, life doesn't end, because you are pregnant, you can finish high school, still go to college. You need to think about how you want to live, mouth to mouth or rich. Get your degree, pick a field of interests that can support you for 20 years, SHOW YOUR SMARTS AND HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU REALLY ARE! I WANT YOU TO MAKE 2 LISTS UP. ONE , WHAT YOU ARE PROUD OF AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR. I DON'T STEAL, I AM A CHRISTIAN! like that. AND SECOND, WHAT YOU WANT TO LEARN AND GROW TO MAKE YOU LIKE YOUR MOTHER WANTED YOU TO BE? ARE YOU DEPENDABLE, HARD WORKER, CLEAN PERSON. FAITHFUL, GOD got me thru and seen to my every wish.
I wish you the greatest. LOVE 4EVER IN CHRIST.

caseyr4u@gmail.com

caseyr4u2001@yahoo.com

563-508-9773 is my cell phone, if you call me once, say who you are, hang up I will call you back.
 gruurly
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 5
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/15/2007 11:00:13 PM
I should have said he's already paying support, but emotionally he 'can't be bothered'. I have gone out of my way to allow him to be a part of this child's life, even went so far as to say we should probably do something together every week or so, so he could bond in-utero and so the baby knew his voice. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to keep his hands to himself and this is where the being friends with your child's parent is morally wrong comment came from.

The journals are an excellent idea, and I'll get on that first thing tomorrow.

I'm already working towards moving back to the Vancouver area (mostly for a midwife, but also for a larger support system), but the income from the new job has to kick in first.

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far. Each comment was a great reminder that I'm already on track, and just stuck in the emotional warp of pregnancy for the time being.
 thecommonloon
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 6
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/16/2007 5:08:37 AM
Honey, you are going to be stuck in an "emotional warp" of mommy-hood pretty soon! I'm glad you are making some smart moves. You will need to take some time off from work after baby comes and you will want to take into consideration whether moving now or later is a better idea. It will be tough to get another job when you are obviously pregnant (like it or not... people are often reluctant because they know it means you will be taking time off soon) but if you have people who can help support you in Vancouver you may want to go now. Otherwise, you should plan that you will be in your current situation for some time. When baby comes it will consume your time and your resources so it will be a very hard time to be trying to save money or plan for a move. You will be physically tired from being up at night with the babe and you will probably have to go back to work before you are really ready. So while you might feel stressed now, things will get tougher at your babe is born. Most people are surprised at how much time and resources they have to pour into their first little one. You are in a tough spot right now, but you can get through this. Many women do. I like the idea of the two journals as well!!
Good luck girl. Notice I don't spend any time talking about the father? He needs to be forgotten because he has already made it clear that's what he wants. Its unfortunate but nothing you can change. I'm glad he's paying support.
 gruurly
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 7
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/16/2007 10:07:28 AM
I wanted to stay put where I am until after the baby comes, but I've since found out there are no midwives in town, and my current dr is pregnant as well and due before me. I've already found a midwife on the coast, and midwifery care is truly important to me.

As for work, I totally agree: no one wants to hire a pregnant woman. Illegal as it is, it's just not going to happen. Still, I'm a freelance writer and found work at home doing something I love, which I can do from anywhere, anytime. Believe me, it took a huge load off my shoulders and I am eager to get started.

I think part of the issue (for me) is that I have no support system here. No one to talk to, no friends, no family to hang out with when I am struggling. Many days I feel trapped in my house because of either the heat, or the fact that I'm likely to run into him or one of his friends on the street. I realize I shouldn't feel this way, but emotionally I'm not in a space to be clear - especially since I found out he was dating again during one of these excursions.

Off to go get some journals...
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 8
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/16/2007 1:34:38 PM
I hope that you've googled and found some mommy forums to join. That will help. Go to mothering magazine site...it used to be very good. I had my child with very little support at home. My husband was an A$$ while I was pregnant and didn't talk to me for 4 months in the beginning and wanted me to abort. I wish I'd had the internet then....concentrate on your writing and know that people out here are rooting for you.
 medicmouse1961
Joined: 6/13/2006
Msg: 9
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/16/2007 4:05:22 PM
I am sorry for what you are going through these past several months. Some guys can be a**holes, sorry. You do seem like a nice person and you will make it through all of this. I am also glad that you chose a mid wife from the coast and not here. The one that I had dealings with ............ well lets just say, not good. I have delivered 3 babies this year and a total of 4 since I transferred to Kelowna. The joy that I have seen that a new baby brings to a family is truely amazing.

I know that you don't know me but if you would ever like to chat, please feel free.
 Legs48
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 10
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/16/2007 5:11:38 PM
The best way to get over him is to forgive him for being the way he is being about all of this and then cut him loose. I know it sounds backwards but until you accept that he's just a selfish person who will never give you what you want and will continue to hurt you whether he means to or not, you'll fantasize about about what "could be". Forget that with him. Forgive him for being the way he is being because if you remain angry/hurt/sad/upset etc you will remain emotionally involved with him.Cut him loose and concentrate on yourself and the baby. Once the baby is born you will be very busy. Babies are extremely demanding and being a single parent isn't easy. I know because I am one. But babies also give unconditonal love and hope and I think you will find that it's the best thing that's ever happened to you. If he isn't interested in being a part of this don't try to get him to. He isn't worth it and he won't be a good influence on your child. I knew of a girl in a similar situation with the father and after he met someone new and they married, he tried to get full custody of the same baby he didn't want because his new wife wanted her and now that he was married, he thought he could be the better parent. It didn't work but it caused a lot of pain all around, especially for his daughter who was about 3 by then. Join some online "single parents" groups and sites. There is also " Parents Without Partners"that hosts events that get single parents together for friendship, dating and family outings. You will meet someone who will value your love and will love your child eventually if you let go of this past romance with this man and move on emotionally. If he's paying child support he will always be a part of your life and may want time with your child sooner or later but don't let him be the number one priority in your life. Forgive him, remain civil and take the high road but move on emotionally and concentrate on this pregnancy. Join a lamaze class, a lot of them are free. Take a walk in a playground and talk to some of the other mothers with babies and toddlers. Some will be standoffish, but some will welcome the company. Once you and the baby are settled you can branch out and date more etc. Don't let this man define who you are and what you're worth. He may be the baby's biological father but that alone won't make him a good dad. Good luck with everything. It'll all work out over time, just focus on the baby for now and try to get excited and happy about this new life you are about to bond with . Your life is about to change dramatically and is full of possibilities and hope. Don't let him spoil it.
 busybee123
Joined: 12/31/2006
Msg: 11
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:15:44 PM
Wow, you have your hands full. Trust me, I know. Similar situation for me, just that he won't have anything to do with me since the breakup. Five years together and acts like he's never known me. I went through the entire pregnancy alone, doing many things around the house a pregnant woman had no business doing. But I still made sure I ate right, excercised, read to my baby and did all the things to prepare her for a good start in life. All in all, I got the best end of the deal. A beautiful daughter who lights up my life every day I wake up. As ironic as it may seem, this was the best thing for her. Stability and routine are your friends when raising a child and bouncing him/her around between homes and relationships will only make things harder. Do everything in your power to maintain a stable and routine environment. You have a hard, frustrating road ahead, but a very rewarding one. You will cry many nights and days but those are the things that fade over time and the things you will remember are the times when your little one was nestled in your arms, sleeping sound while safely wrapped in his/her mother's arms. I had little support network either but if you have someone to call, even that can help. The journals are an excellent idea. I keep them myself, have from the day I found out I was pregnant. They help me vent feelings and capture moments of happiness, anguish, frustration and fear. Someday, they may help me to convey to my daughter all the things I wanted for her.

For support, you can try PWP but I found the chapter in my area didn't really cater to the parent of the very young, especially when you are the sole parent. Many of them are one of two parents of older children and have visitation/weekends and the sort. Look to your pediatrician. I made too much money for government assitance but realistically couldn't quite manage on my own so they gave me formula. They get oodles of samples and can afford to hand off a few cans. Scan the garage sales and consignment shops for toys and clothes. Many are barely used at a fraction of the cost. Make some of your own baby food once solids are introduced. A good blender, strainer, ice cube trays and some baby nap time is all you need. You wrap the "ice cubes" in plastic wrap and keep them until ready to feed. A good way to introduce those vegetables you can't find in a jar. You will be going 100 mph every day and "sleep when the baby sleeps" will probably be only something you read in books. A website thats great for advice, info etc.:

babycenter.com

They send weekly bulletins once registered, you can sift out what information is useful to you.

If you have "Publix" in your area, get registered there. They send you a great book and lots of coupons for freebies and discounted stuff.

I know all of this info is geared toward you weathering this alone. If you manage to work something out with "him" that is in the best interest of your little one, more power to you. But if you don't, I hope this helps. If I were local, I would love to help out. Feel free to drop a line back anytime.
 sweetsonic4
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 12
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:25:39 PM
Go AFTER HIM FOR CHILD SUPPORT AND LET IT BE KNOW AROUND THE TOWN WHAT KIND OF IDIOT HE IS BECAUSE HE IS NOT A MAN BUT A LOW LIFE
BELIVE ME IT WILL ALL COME BACK TO HIM. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.
I WISH YOU THE BEST SWEETY AND I WILL PRAY FOR YOU
DONT BLAME THE BABY LOVE IT, IT DIDT ASK TO BE HERE SO DONT HATE THE BABY
BARBARA
 Janet4now
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 13
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:26:25 PM

What can I do to move on and deal with the resentment and betrayal I still feel?

This is an interesting question, and one that you will deal with in time. But you have a child that is a victim, and my concerns are mainly for that.

Please consider adoption. Many loving families are waiting for people like you that are loving enough to want what is best for their child.

You have some personal pain and growing to do, and I don't fault you for that... but please don't feel the need to drag someone along with you.
 abbeygirl3
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 14
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:43:56 PM
Hi Janet,
I would say that an excellent idea is adoption.
Do you know how few healthy babies there are to adopt?
Some couples go for years trying to have children.
This is the best way for you to put the past behind you and move on with your life. I'm sure the adoption agencies will support your decision in every way, and help you with the emotional journey.
Good luck!
 leighanne_lowery
Joined: 12/3/2006
Msg: 15
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:48:38 PM
Well I just wanted to say I am also in pretty much the same situation that you are in. If you want to talk you can either email me at yahoo at my screen name on here or we can chat there or you can message me on here if you want . I know of a few agencies that can help if you need. I am also without a lot of friends because of this. Anyway look me up and we can chat if you want. Look forward to hearing from you.

Leigh Anne
 amberzamber
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 16
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 8:55:41 PM
gruurly:

First of all I have to say I wish you all the best in the long struggle ahead...

Secondly as bad as it sounds, be glad he showed his colors now, let him go live his life... (I'm not a fan of a kid being raised without a dad in his life but so many wonderful kids had that same upbrining , so it really won't damage your child-in fact it could be worse for the kid if you tried to force him to be part of the kids life)

and third, take comfort when the babies born that "at least one good thing came out of knowing this guy", as kids are a blessing and cherish your child and just move on....

maybe some day the dad will want to be involved, but if not, it really won't be the end of the world for your child...you'll meet some great guy who loves you and your baby who the kid will adore, and he'll raise the child as his own.....any man can be a father, it takes a special kind of man to be a dad!!!!
 abbeygirl3
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 17
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 9:27:00 PM
Hi again,
(Sorry, you're not Janet. ) I hope you don't take this in any way other than I am a woman who knows about wanting a healthy infant to adopt (about 8 - 10 years ago) and going through infertility and the emotional roller coaster involved in all of that. It is very hard as well, very stressful, expensive and difficult on a relationship. Infertility is horrible. It just doesn't sound like such a great situation for you and I don't see how bringing a baby into the mix is going to improve. They even say that about marriages, having a baby doesn't improve the situation, if it is rough already. As cute as they are, what is the opportunity cost to you? Why do this to yourself? I really hope all will work out for you.
 lon1almas
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 18
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/18/2007 9:43:52 PM
Hi,
just wanted to give you another perspective on the situation, MIGHT help....

I think you are so lucky, a new baby to look forward to, wish it was me, I have no children you see......

I realise that the finances must be tight but hang in there, better things to ahead to come.

Walk tall as a SOON-TO-BE MOTHER, and proud!!!!

May not be possible, but what about a relocation, to start afresh,

MILLIONS OF WONDERFUL GUYS OUT THERE,

but while that *!!!* is under your nose you'll not be able to move on, OR WILL YOU?

God Bless
 thecommonloon
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 19
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:53:11 AM

LET IT BE KNOW AROUND THE TOWN WHAT KIND OF IDIOT HE IS BECAUSE HE IS NOT A MAN BUT A LOW LIFE


That is NOT good advice when living in a small town and needing support. Behaving like a shrew will not garner you support nor punish him. It can only result in making a scene and looking bad yourself. The man is already paying support and he's obviously not any more at fault for a baby out of wedlock than the mom (takes two to tango! and only one to use protection). Although right now he is not wanting to be a part of OPs life we cannot anticipate that he will be an absolute jerk to her after this child is born. The child is his responsibility, yes, but beyond that we cannot claim him responsible for mom or her feelings. We are all responsible for ourselves.

I'm glad so many women are on here showing support and giving excellent advice. Nothing is ever gained from hatred, bickering or backbiting. This is a time to move on, move forward and build a new life, not WALLOW in it which is exactly what whining and stirring the pot about town would be doing.
 princess*
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 20
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/19/2007 5:31:39 AM
Hang in there, your stronger than you think xxx
 daisie
Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 21
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/19/2007 5:37:30 AM
it seems like you have 2 basic areas of concern: one is the emotional area and the other is financial.

for the financial: I'm not an expert in all this, but I know I'd be going after his ass in every leagal way possible. NOWWWWW. I'd make sure that he was legally considered to be the father and Id do everything to make it a legal commitment and agreement that he would pay child support and MORE...college...etc...whatever you decide. I read he is paying $$ now, that's great. But it MUST be a legal agreement through the courts so he can't just suddenly decide to stop payments one of these days. When he meets a new gf/wife, has other kids etc....loses his job, or moves far away he will be very likely to simply stop payments to you unless you have this all legal-like.


for the emotional: for you to start getting "past" this emotional roller coaster you have to make sure you accept that YOU and this MAN are equally responsible for creating this problem. SO you can't just direct the anger/negativity at him. You must claim YOUR share, then you can begin to heal.

DONT spread rumors or evil info around town about th is guy!!! That will be a nail in your coffin. This guy is NOT all bad and NOT all wrong here. I think he has some good qualities or you woulndt have been with him 4.5 yrs. Give him time to pull h is head out of his A$$ and act like a real man and dad. Give him TIME!!!! Help him to realize he needs to do this thing. DONT PUSH him farther away right now. You might still salvage something for this kid and mom and dad. Yeah, sure eventually...if dad continues to act like a Baboon's Ass.......then ok...yeah....nothing wrong with spreading the TRUTH. But remember you and your kid MUST remain in this town to be near daddy (kid deserves to have dad in its life every day even if you guys are being big babies about it)....so kid might eventually have to deal with what you spread around town.

BTW: since you guys were together 4.5 years I'd say you certainly have something to work with here and there is hope to recover. I would NOT move away....1) you need to be near to reconcile with him 2) even if you dont reconcile, the baby needs to be near dad. From until forever you need to live near this man. It true, you obviously had other problems before the baby...so its not simply that he's in shock from an unexpected/unwanted baby....there are other big problems to handle. With most people I do NOT advise this...but for YOU TWO I recommend retgular therapy to help you work through this. True youre not married, but you ARE tied toghether now and forever....and in a much harder more challenging way.

***** With 4.5 YEARS of history together for gods sake.....do all you can to see if you can get it back on track.

but........................ dont negelect the letgal part of this in order to kiss his butt and "not make him mad". Legality and $$$$$ come before keeping this dude in happy-land.
 gruurly
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 22
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/19/2007 3:59:42 PM
Thanks to all who have posted! The amount of support I'm receiving from total strangers is lovely and appreciated.

One thing I should be clear about: this was technically a planned pregnancy. We were not using any form of birth control and I was charting my cycles. I had chosen this route after careful consideration of his promise and our discussion afterwards.

Additionally, I've found long-term, stable work that I not only adore but that lets me stay at home with my wee one. Yay!

Also, although I realize that there are many parents looking for a wee one, I want to be a parent to this child and have no intentions of adopting. I haven't taken offense at all to the suggestions along this vein! I completely understand.

As for moving: I see where you are coming from and I've felt the same way for the past five months. However. The ex has now decided to paint me in a negative light (alluding that I am stalking him, changing his contact information so I cannot get a hold of him for baby-related discussions, etc.) and has made it very clear he not only supports me moving away, he encourages it. There is no midwifery care in town, and I we both feel strongly it is the best option for me and this little one. Plus, the midwife I've found specializes in single moms.

Legal issues: I've given him the forms he needs to fill out and sign. He says he wants me to have full custody, period, yet for some reason he's sat on them since mid-May and hasn't done anything about them. Almost all of my emails to him since I moved (save one) have been requesting these forms, information related to custody and upbringing, or about medical information and appointments.

As for the rest of the suggestions, I am working through them day by day. Slowly I am starting to feel better, and am looking forward to moving in September. Hopefully a larger city center with more supports will be just what I and the baby need.

OE: I won't be tarnishing his name, I have no intention of doing that. He may very well find this thread and disagree with anything I've shared, but my purpose in posting wasn't about him, it was about getting ideas for ME for support and guidance in a tough situation.
 liss13
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 23
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:26:49 PM
Hi,
I went thru the same thing as many ppl here, I ended up having my little girl on my own and like u i was so scared, He has never paid child support and she is 18mths old. One thing i will say is i felt guilty that he never had the chance to be a dad, he used to cry and say he wanted to be there so i tryed it again, was the worse thing i ever did for my bub and me, Like u i ended up moving to a new town. Its the best thing i ever did. My bubs not in his name so i could. 18mths later he still sends texts and harrasses me but i took some great advise from of here and got on with life. We have now been to mediation thru the court and he gets to see bub every second weekend and has been made to pay child support. All i really wanted to say is u can do it!!! If i can anyone can. I have a little girl thats all mine and every thing i do and say she is all me and my kids, Im so proud of what i have done with her and what a great lil girl she is. As far as i see it if he cant support u now he never will. Just believe in yourself and that u will have the greatest lil person ever as bub will be all yours. Keep posting here as these ppl helpped me see the light. Huggss and take care of yourself and that lil person!!
 rose2624
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 24
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Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:39:48 PM
WOW you sound like me...i was in the same situation. I know its hard but i finally realized one day that i had to be strong for my child. My sons father never even told his mother that he was going to be a father again before she died. He was gone by the time i was 4 months along, i went through it all by myself. Today he is on disability for depression and my son gets $6 a month for child support. I work 2-3 jobs but at the end of the day, i feel good about myself knowing that my son will look up to me and know i did everthing i could for him. He might not have it all but he has what he needs. His dad does not call very often and only wants to play "daddy" when its convient for him. I do believe a child needs both parents but in some cases its diffrent. I want my sons father to be there for him always not when he feels like it. Or he says he will be here and blows him off. My advise......have your baby and take care of it show that idiot your a strong woman! Go get some child support and dont let him off easy. And as for getting over him....you will see him in your child but you will get over him fast too...as soon as you see that beautiful baby you will forget all about him. You have that little life that is depending on you, you can do bad on your own you dont need a loser! Your child will learn from you and trying to make it work with someone who does not deserve you is not a good thing. Let your child see that you deserve respect and to be treated right and they will grow up with the same values. My son is 5 now. He doesnt ask about his dad much. He is a great kid and i have myself to thank for that...and im proud to say that! Good luck.
 daisie
Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 25
Wanted: Advice on Getting Over Breakup While Pregnant
Posted: 7/19/2007 5:31:32 PM
well okey-dokey then.....you and he intentionally got pregnant. You entered into the BIGGEST emotional and financial responsibility of your life times 10 based on a "PROMISE". hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk????

You can never make that decision make any sense at all to me. but whatever. that was then. this is now.

Now you still need to take care of the Legal issue. Fvck what he's filling out, signing and returning to you. good god....of course he's gonna drag his feet on it and resist. Big surprise.

I dont know how it is where you live, but I know someone here who went to get the courst to mandate child support payments...part of that process was that they FORCED him to take a paternity test. AS IT SHOULD BE... When it was proven he was the dad by a mandatory blood test he was then ordered to pay child support etc. Possibly put the kid on his insurance too. I dont know about that.

anyway, id get his frikken name on everything and get every penny possible NOW....cuz no telling when he'll bale out and skip town and get married and have new kids and CONVENIENTLY FORGET that he INTENTIONALLY GAVE HIS SPERM TO YOUR EGG AND MADE A KID....like it's a frikken science project in 8th grade or somethin.

Jeeze irresponsible, a$$hole men who think this is all a woman's fault are so full of crap. Naaaaaa........He would damn well participate in this thing or Id become his worst nightmare for the next few decades. but damn girl....what the HELL were YOU thinking???? hahahaha good luck with all this ordeal all alone!
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