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| Keeping The "Giddy" Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 2:37:16 PM | My boyfriend and I had a bit of a tiff last week. I felt wounded when he said he didn’t feel that giddy, over the top, breathless, heightened romantic love for me. He said he’d felt it before in former relationships, but now, after more than one failed marriage he was just too jaded and fearful to get there . . . at least not yet. He’s thinking therapy might help. He also said in the past he was too impulsive, and so many of those manic relationships were fueled by alcohol (he does not drink at all now, not for almost two years.)
Well, after getting off my hormonal high horse I began to wonder . . . is it more a female thing to feel and wish to maintain that “new relationship energy,” that euphoria, giddiness characterizing a new relationship? Is that kind of thing just too stressful, annoying or exhausting for a man to maintain? They must enjoy it on some level because most of my exes were intensely romantic in the beginning. I’m not necessarily talking about the thrill of the hunt here. My boyfriend is completely attentive, fast becoming the best ever in this area. But even after three months I’d like him to jump my bones once in a while when we only have thirty minutes to spare, or write me a love note, or proclaim his love in some way other than just the words (which he says often.) Not 24/7 of course but I happen to believe romance can be consistent and can build with time, not diminish into a blasé comfort level.
Maybe I’m just an oddball here. Maybe women today are a lot less restless and yearning than I am. I’m by no means trashing the male gender here. Just wondering how others factor romance into their lives, how important it is (meaning romance, not just the existence of love.) Is it ever a point of contention?
Rapunzel | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 3:16:18 PM | There's nothing gender specific about the feelings you're talking about, OPie. The thing is, they are the feelings of novelty, or "new relationship energy," as you strangely call it.
When the thing is not new, no one feels about it as if it were still new. We move through feelings, which change continually throughout our lives. Anyone who wants to pick a feeling and stop right there, can't. So, many people, men and women alike, elect to start over and over and over, to recapture that feeling of novelty.
But that doesn't work either, does it? The thrill of my first kiss, ever, has more novelty going for it than my first kiss with the next girl, or the next one. So, eventually, my first kiss with the ninth girl will have some of that novelty right alongside a lot of familiarity. After all, how different can one mouth be from another?
I am, of course, describing why some people take up skydiving, heroin, and streetfighting, among other stimulating hobbies. The new lover thrill gets old, no matter what we do. And anyone shortsighted and shallow enough to want to feel any one feeling always and just the same will be schooled by the same disappointments you are squinting at.
Sorry, my sister. Mature love has its passions, but it is mostly comfortable and relaxed and far from giddy. We all have to settle for memories of that sweet kid stuff, sooner or later. I suppose anyone who tries and fails to cling to that brief stage is likely to remember it with bitter disappointment.
Everything fades. But, then, something else always arrives. Not to take it's place, exactly, but to engage your attention, yes.
But your bf's trouble is not that, is it? No, his trouble is that he has won your heart (or nearly so), and yet you want more courting from him. He's caught you, and you want to be chased. You are his trouble, sweetie. Why don't you get your satisfaction from him in the ways he offers, the ways that are genuine from him? Why wish he were pretending that it's all so new?
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 3:36:13 PM | Good post Rapunzel.
I wonder if that state of "giddiness" can be had when it wasn't there from the start... in my experience it smply doesn't happen with some people no matter how much you get along, admire, respect, "care for", etc... it's not something that "grows with time".
I'm reminded of the movie with Tom Cruise (can't think of the title but it's the one where he says "show me the money") and Rene Zellweger get together and there's a spark but it seems the whole thing is more convenience--the two of them, after getting married, watch friends who are so in love they can't keep their hands off each other and their vibe is electric--Tom and Rene just look at each other and, as much as they want to be that couple "in love" just... aren't. They split up and then, sadly, get back together in the end. They would rather be with someone they like then alone I guess, but give up the hope of ever having a relationship with any fire. Very sad.
No way I say... if I don't have THAT (continuing romance... spark... whatever you want to call it) in a relationship then it's just not good enough. Every past serious relationship I've had has had plenty of it (and it was usually other factors that caused the break). I've also had relationships that could have been completely good in every other way--plenty in common, attraction, easy to get along with... got along with everyone I know... but they seemed like "settling" to me. Couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it even if it meant I was going to be single for the rest of my life. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:03:34 PM | It's quite natural to go thru the "honeymoon" phase in a relationship. Sparks are flying, kisses are endless, and we're so out of breath. We can't wait to be back in each other's arms. Yeppers, that's what I call the "honeymoon" phase.
Doesn't mean it has to come to a screeching halt. It will have peaks and valleys. You don't say how long you've dated this fella, but I can tell you, his heart isn't fully healed. That doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you, it just means you aren't on the same wave length. If you haven't been dating long, hang in there. If you enjoy his company, both of you can be playful, and enjoy each other's company, that's one heck of a good start. Also, doesn't matter how long you've dated or been married, couples forget how to "play" and "have fun". Actually, I think as adults, we forget how to "play". I think "play" is equally as important as "love". We all need to feel good, to laugh, and bring out our kindered spirits. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:21:51 PM | giddy, over the top, breathless, heightened romantic love
I'm not quite sure about this one. If his past relationships began with that overwhelming feeling but then fell apart - why did that happen?
There is a honeymoon phase to relationships, but that doesn't mean that as the relationship continues romance and passion fades away. If the love between people is both romantic/ passionate and based on a deep caring and knowledge and acceptance of each other's good points and flaws it will almost always grow stronger and, with luck (both partners still capable etc), the joyful adventure goes on and on. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:24:14 PM | Most of the time ,I need to ask for what I'm wishing
and most often a fair trade is called for
a good conversation might lead the way for you
have a chat with your lover | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:33:40 PM | Relationships do move through phases. There are pros and cons to being a new relationship and one that you've both settled into a bit. While one may sometimes long for the giddiness or the newness, once you've spent time with someone you're more accustomed to being around each other and know them better.
Even a partner who knows us well doesn't always anticipate our needs and desires, so communication is important, not just in the beginning but throughout the relationship. You may have to weight it all out and determine just how important this one factor is to you or how much you miss it versus what he is doing well and what is good about the relationship.
Nothing is going to fulfill every need, every desire, every whim of what we want or wish for. No human being is capable of doing that and doing that forever. If the spark is dwindling a bit, then you both need to try to figure out how to rekindle your desire if that really is a problematic area. People express their feelings differently, the book about the 5 love languages is an excellent one just about that. It's not so much about being mismatched, just understanding the feelings may be there and just as strong, only expressed in a different fashion.
Relationships mature just like people do. Doesn't mean it has to get old hat and certainly not boring. By the same token it won't be the same as it once was, just like we'll never be teenagers again. I don't think that's a bad thing, personally. We can certainly make the effort on both parts to keep the romance and spark alive and keep our partners interested and not take them for granted. How to do it is up to both of you to talk about and come up with a mutually satisfactory solution. Just like you'd solve any other challenge, together, patiently and lovingly. And often, working through a challenge together only strengthens your bond and deepens your love and appreciation for your partner. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 5:27:56 PM | OP:
I just want to add that, although you title this "Keeping The Giddy Alive" -- and that's a great topic -- I don't think that's what you're really talking about in your post... in your first sentence you say "he said he didn’t feel that giddy, over the top, breathless, heightened romantic love for me" -- and that's what I based my previous post on...
Yes, relationships change over time... but if, from the outset of a relationship (which this is in your case) you're not feeling the love...
But even after three months I’d like him to jump my bones once in a while when we only have thirty minutes to spare, or write me a love note, or proclaim his love in some way other than just the words
...IMHO I doubt any amount of counselling will be able to conjure up those feelings for someone...
Later in a relationship you may not have the same continual romantic intensity as you did at the start--but you need to have some levels of it, some times, or what do you have? A nice friendship maybe. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 5:33:48 PM | | Also you said you just had a tiff. Not uncommon at all to maybe not feel giddy, want to leave love notes or pounce if you've just had a spat. Give it some time then talk with him about it if it's important to you. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 6:18:13 PM | If his previous women were "drama queens" & "circus acts" & you are more stabile, he may miss that emotional yo-yo game. Come closer, go away. The good ole approach avoidance complex.
A female friend recently said that older men who are still capable of being sexually active probably have high testoterone & the women who are older w/ a intact sex drive are high estrogen, but it makes them more...moody....
I don't know that I have the energy for the "daily drama" & games, etc. I'd like to be in that one on one passionate relationship without games, come closer-go away, my ex this & that....bla bla bla
I'd work w/ what you have, seeing that what you have is more than most of the posters in here have
I think that true love  will work itself out | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/19/2007 7:46:58 PM | Hi and thanks everyone for the comments so far! Yes, this was just a tiff, a vague statement turning into something apocalyptic (momentarily, lol.) I’m not gonna toss him away fer sure. But the situation got me wondering if my expectations were unrealistic, if they were inherently female, and how others deal with this kind of thing.
Offthewheel I also happen to believe that romance can be maintained indefinitely. Not as a constant, life-sucking exercise but as a conscious effort made at the right times. We communicate well, that’s never been the issue (he jokingly says he never has to worry what I’m thinking, lol.) But it seems lately real life is breathing down our necks. We’ve been together only three months, a “summer of love” and since I work in academia my life is about to get even busier. Maybe this is a problem for a lot of couples. Folks have to work SO much to maintain any semblance of comfort or security. One job, two jobs. Throw in family and maybe one hobby and whew, who has time to give to a lover? Even if you get time you are exhausted. This is what we are going through. We’re working on a few solutions, but last week I was feeling peevish and overwhelmed. It happens, sigh.
And, wow, I do appreciate what he does do, and I give back tenfold. We definitely nurture one another and that is important. I just don’t want the spark to die. Lol, yesterday we had a little time to kill before our date and I walked in and threw a Fredericks Of Hollywood catalog in his lap. “Here, go shopping,” I said. “Just remember, I’m shaped like a pear!” He thumbed through it, grinning, and said, “Lord, lord, I feel like I’m 14 again.” I guess so long as we can still joke about it, we’re doing alright.
Thanks again!
Rap | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 10:10:50 AM |
We’ve been together only three months, a “summer of love” and since I work in academia my life is about to get even busier. Maybe this is a problem for a lot of couples. Folks have to work SO much to maintain any semblance of comfort or security. One job, two jobs. Throw in family and maybe one hobby and whew, who has time to give to a lover? Even if you get time you are exhausted. This is what we are going through. We’re working on a few solutions, but last week I was feeling peevish and overwhelmed. It happens, sigh.
I know what you mean... and best of luck to you both! | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 1:17:51 PM | The spark need not die, but the giddy feelings that often occur during the first 12 to 18 months DO usually fade even in the best relationships. It's normal. If the giddy feeling remains past that, then there may actually be cause for concern, IMHO.
More than 7 years into my current relationship, and things are as exciting as ever, but the giddiness has receded to a level of deep contentment. It seems like a more stable basis level for maintaining a relationship, anyway. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 2:02:30 PM | I never heard that word Giddy, not in Brooklyn anyway ..... Spark maybe ....... Burning desire alive, thats how I would have said it. I agree with all of the above posts, good advise. So how do you keep the giddy alive.
Hey just my opinion. Positive communacation is a must. Negative slows things down and leaves your arms empty. Surportiveness makes everyone happy. Every one needs it. Being Spontanous. Jumping ones bones in differant places and times. Being alittle crazy and silly makes most of us laugh. Love notes in the wierdest places. We all have the right to be a kid again... Just like my screen name. I have found just getting out and seeing the world. Even if its just at the icecream parlor or in the park down the block. Riding a bike with you on the handle bars, remember that! Get tickets to concerts, comedy clubs, sporting events. Being Seductive and dressing the part. Just try to always have fun. We all have our bad days. So when that happens then get some whip cream and fill a pie pan and make that person forget why they where down. Try to have fun on those days. Laughter wakes us up. Romance keeps us young and healthy!
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 4:18:47 PM | I like it, Ms. Rapunzel -- 'Giddy' as a noun. Nice thread.
I always thought the feeling of 'giddy' as being a blend of pleasure and newness -- hence why new relationships often yield the feeling. And one of the most difficult things to do with relationships as they mature is to retain the feeling of newness. I've been fortunate (personally) in that, as an artistic type, I tend to have a bit of a creative streak and I'm probably one of more impulsive people around. This can tend to change my surroundings often, giving me a newness to living that stays nearly constant. And obviously, anyone who might spend time with me will get the same thing. It is this impulsiveness, I believe, that keeps my world new and often leaves me with the feeling of 'giddy'. I think where many of us fail (not sure if that is the correct word), is that we try to tame our impulsiveness, believing that it is something bad. And I think it is this impulsiveness that keeps relationships pleasant and feeling new. For if I want to wake up my lover, talk her into getting up, getting dressed and coming with me in the car to drive to the top of that mountain so we can see what the city looks like at 3 a.m., I'll not usually hesitate to ask. And sometimes the most romantic things can happen at the top of a mountain, alone, at 3 a.m. -- might just leave two people feeling very giddy.
cdn guy | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 4:33:23 PM | Awesome post, cdn guy!!
I don't think it's a matter of being a certain age, or being with someone for X amount of time. I know my partner very well, we've been together awhile now, but the thought of it being "not new" has never crossed my mind. I'm always finding out things about him to admire and appreciate, we're still discovering each other. Maybe not every single day, but we're growing individually and together. I'm still as giddy or twiterpatted as ever, if not more.
We haven't settled into a rut in life, in our professional or personal lives. Just too much to do, too many things yet to experience. And after nearly two years, I still every day find him an exciting and interesting person. After talking nearly every day, we still find plenty to talk about for hours on end. And some things we plan, some things are just let's jump in the car and who knows where we'll go or what we'll do, but we always find plenty to enjoy. And we're both looking forward to spending the rest of our lives, loving, living, exploring and discovering. A mature relationship doesn't have to be a dreary or boring one. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 5:19:56 PM | Stay Young
Aw, don't you lose that light in your eyes
Never to late to love
Never to late to try
When somebody needs you
Give them all you can give
When you live in the love
Your lovin' to live
Stay young keep your wheels in motion
You've got everything that you need
Stay young with your rock an' rollin'
All the best things in life are free
Aw, don't you feel like playin' the fool
Step out of line
Break all the rules
Don't let them tell you
It's not for you
Don't go growin' old
Before you're through
Stay young keep your wheels in motion
You've got everything that you need
Stay young with your rock an' rollin'
All the best things in life are free
. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 6:35:05 PM | | You should expect the romance to continue. The spark need never die. Sex can get better every time...seems impossible, but it's not. I love my girl friend and intend to marry her...I think "that would make her happy and I do it", effortlessly. We have issues, but I am giving her the room to work them out. I lover her that much. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 6:59:17 PM | Ah yes, just like Barbie and her accessories, we all have issues. My BF and I are both artsy types, both raised in the south, both had one alcoholic parent and one nurturing one. But we took very different paths in life as far as the folks we chose to fill it. He chose the freak show (including some of the wives, lol) and I chose something FAR more stable than I had ever known as a kid. I'm grounded and idealistic, he is jaded and weary and a little scared. But there is this incredibly gentle goodness in him. And I have to say, no matter how shaky things get (which is actually rare when you think of how it COULD be, given our pasts) he, like you FSU1965, just holds on. I misinterpreted a lot last week, was at one point really doubtful, and I can remember on the phone he said, "Well I'm not giving up on this. You may think you are, but I am not." I'll say with great petulance, "Don't say you love me anymore. Not until you are sure!" And he'll say, "Okay, okay, I promise. Now goodbye and I love you!" Aggh! He is maddening.
But yep, no matter what I believe in Giddy. Even if the giddy morphs into contentment, I still want to resurrect the best of it, get a little tingle going even when we are 90. That might involve little more than licking peach sherbet off each others toothless mouths, but hey, it's giddy!
Thanks everyone! Stay sappy!
Rap | |
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pmynx
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Joined: 7/16/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/20/2007 10:03:12 PM | Rapunzel,
I am in a similar situation myself. The "fiance" shows no real lust, no passion at this point. I feel like marrying him would be the end of any real belief in "love" that I have ever had and though there would be "security", am I really that old? Is he? Can I go through the next half of my life never being lusted after, never being adored.......is that what this age is for men?
Someone help us out. Do men get so bitter when one doesn't work out that no one ever really gets into their hearts again? Are we expecting too much? | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:44:59 AM | pmynx
Can I go through the next half of my life never being lusted after, never being adored.......is that what this age is for men?
Someone help us out.
Uh... no! What an unfulfilling life that would be! I'd say run, don't walk, away... we all deserve adoration! As I said in a previous post on this thread--personally, I'd rather be alone then to "settle"...
Do men get so bitter when one doesn't work out that no one ever really gets into their hearts again? Are we expecting too much?
...and NO, not all of them! | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/21/2007 6:48:40 AM | Giddy? Wish I knew what it felt like again. Haven't had that sensation in a number of years. Giddy anticipation leads to hmmmmmmm great.........whatever comes I suppose.
Maybe women today are a lot less restless and yearning than I am
Restless....describes me to a T Miss Rapunzel. Thanks for reminding me! | |
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Tramp
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Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 23 | |
| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/21/2007 7:01:38 AM | pmynx.
Yes, we do get bitter( I have) when things do not work out, when we fail....
Will let some else in again, ...it will be a long, long wait before it happens again.
I would like to suggest you start forgetting and find someone else, one whom treats you and gives you what you deserve, now and not later. | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/21/2007 7:53:15 AM | Rapunzel,
I think part of the problem is that most people have forgotten that love is a verb. Too many people today turn love into a feeling. We hear people say things like "you've lost that lov'in feeling". Wasn't that a Righteous Brother's hit? The point I am trying to make is that these people are driven by their feelings. I think Hollywood & the movies they make have scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are nothing more than a product of our feelings. But Hollywood & the movies they create are not reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is only because we have abdicated our responsibility & empowered them to do so.
Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something we do. Love is about the sacrifices we make. Love is the giving our of ourselves completely to another … like a mother bringing a newborn child into this world. If you want to understand love, study those who sacrifice for others. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for your children. Love is a value that is actualized through our loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love (the feeling) can be strengthened or even recaptured by the actions we take.
Maybe I'm different than a lot of people but the single thing I miss the most since my divorce is having someone special in my life to love. I miss writing those little love notes & hiding them in places where my wife could find them. I miss surprising my wife with flowers for no occasion … just to say "I love you". And I miss those weekends when we escaped to some little out-of-the-way B&B where we could leave everything else behind us and pretend we were the only 2 people left in the world!
It's why I'm here today … I'm looking for someone to share those special moments with again. That's how important romance is to me.
Gary | |
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| Keeping The Giddy Alive
Posted: 7/21/2007 4:37:46 PM | Aw Gary, with that attitude you will certainly find her! It is indeed a constant and consious effort to be romantic, to cultivate the "giddy." I've always been the type that HAS to have something to look forward to. The only way I can get through the weeks where BF and I only have one night together is to make that night special, a real date night. Nothing expensive. Can even be a dvd and a pizza, but a shared experience nonetheless. Anniversaries are important to me, something to be celebrated! Any little gesture thrills me, but gestures there should be! My BF doesn't ignore these things, he enters into the spirit just fine. But I sense a certain sadness, an emotional wall at times. He acknowledges this. I took it as a lack of love, but I think now it is just a weariness, a fearful hesitance. But never a desire to break things off so I'm holding on, too, and trying to be understanding.
pmynx, I've been in situations like yours. My marriage was the friendliest in the world, with absolutely no passion or romance the last few years. Be careful of resigning yourself to that. Now more than ever we deserve every day to be fantastic in some way. It's not that the guy needs to shower us with jewelry or flowers, but just knowing in some small way that he cares, or misses us, or anticipates us. My BF is pretty darn good at this, but still I watch things like a hawk. I keep my "Complacency Monitor" on full power. I'd spend a lot of time talking to your fiance before you take such a dramatic step. You'll be glad you did, even if the marriage doesn't happen.
Rap | |
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