| | Was I a jerk?Page 1 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) | My friends say I was a jerk. I don't think I was. Was I?
I'm having a drink in a bar and a lady comes in and sits next to me. I don't know her, but we talk for a while, then I call it a night.
Next week, I go into the bar. She's there. I go over to her, sit down. We talk all night. During the night-long conversation, she mentions she doesn't own a car and has not been out of the city for a year. I tell her that, if she'd like, we can meet the following afternoon and I'll drive her to where ever she'd like to go. She seemed a nice lady.
Next day; off we go. She doesn't really want to go anywhere particular, just wants to go somewhere that is not a city. So we drive around, see the sights, talk. During the drive, she mentions she has a couple kids. That's okay, I like kids. Mostly, though, we talk about things other than kids. Finally the day is done and I take her home. Dropping her off, I suggest that perhaps next week she'd like to go up to the lake for a picnic. She says:
"My kids would love that!"
Umm. I’m thinking: We just met. Perhaps I should not be meeting the kids so soon.
But she is on her cell phone, talking to the baby sitter before I can say anything. She asks to speak to her daughter. Now the daughter is on the phone. “Guess where we’re all going next week,” Mom says. Then: “To the lake.”
I can hear the daughter’s response. It’s loud enough. “Yiiiippppppyyyyy!!!!”
So the next week I’m pulling up to their apartment. Everyone is waiting outside. my date, her kids - all six of them.
The kids are age two to twelve. Two boys and four girls. They all look pretty excited.
My FIRST thought is: Shit. How do I get out of this? But I know that would be cruel.
Then I see the car seats. She has two, but four of the kids would require seats. Not only that, my car holds six people (meaning, six seat belts). With me, my date, and her six kids, that would be eight.
My SECOND though is: The fine for a passenger not wearing a seat belt in Maine is $120. For not having a child in a child seat, the fine is $400 per child.
My THIRD though is: Not only that, it is simply dangerous. I can’t have eight people in my car, especially if six of them are children under thirteen. What if I have an accident?
I gave the lady and her children the bad news. We could not be going to the lake. The children cried and the lady called me a jerk. I explained it to the mother (she didn't see it my way) and I offered to do a cookout right there (the yard was big enough), but they didn’t like that idea. I was sent on my way.
I haven’t seen the lady since, by the way.
My friends say I was a jerk, and here is why: One said I was a jerk because I should of risked the repercussions rather than disappoint the children. The rest claim I was a jerk because of my thought process. I didn’t think of the danger to the children FIRST. Rather, I thought about myself (didn’t want to take six kids to the lake/ possible fines if caught) FIRST.
I don’t see it that way. My chain of thoughts led me to the important one. I simply can’t see it their way. So I figured it was Friday night - why not risk the POF Forum Wringer, and see if indeed, I was a jerk.
Anyone? | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:18:09 PM | Your motivations were selfish but the final decision rationale was fair.
She was stupid to rush into making promises to her kids based on a guy she met only twice.
So... You were selfish, she was stupid, you had the law on your side, you win.
No matter who the guy was, if there wasn't a belt for my kid to be safe, I'd have called it off myself. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:23:41 PM | In my opinion...no. You would have been a jerk if you had:
a. Simply not shown up....a lot of guys would have done that and not thought twice about it.
b. Loaded eight people in your vehicle and risked everyone's lives.
c. Not offered an alternative to going to the beach. I thought that was very nice of you and very poor of them to kick you to the curb.
The woman sounds like she's a few fries short of a happy meal. What is she doing in the bar every weekend if she has six young kids at home? WHY does she not have a vehicle with six young kids at home? Is she even working to help support her kids? And finally, what kind of responsible mother takes her kids on a trip with a man she barely knows, and gets mad when he refuses to drive illegally or to put her children's life in danger?
Be glad you used your head and got out of there in one piece! | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:24:55 PM | | It is unfortunate that the kids were disappointed but it wasnt your fault at all. You did the right thing. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:26:43 PM | Sounds like you had reasonable concerns about taking all those kids in your car. She sounds like a jerk for presuming you were inviting her AND THE KIDS, for not having enough car seats, and for not being concerned herself!
Moon | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:30:17 PM | | I agree here. She is the one that lost out. You went above and beyond by even trying to salvage the situation with the suggestion of the cookout. Her loss... Don't beat yourself up over it and certainly don't listen to the people telling you you were a jerk! | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:30:47 PM | Hanks
OMG, you can't be serious that you consider those that are calling you a jerk a friend!
You certainly did the right thing, better an angry mom and kids than dead ones!
Imagine the anger there.
Who cares that you had no desire to spend your day with 6 kids, or incur multiple $$ in fines.
Second, what person having met someone twice would introduce their kids to him/her.
Run man, run fast in the opposite direction, there are sane women out there. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:32:18 PM | | With the input you gave on this situation, I do NOT see HOW you could have been a jerk , op. I feel that woman was using you for a ride to the outing as she didn't have a car. Many men would likely NOT have shown up I feel and when she was there with that many kids she was the rude one not to tell you she had that amount of kids before that time. I feel it is wrong for someone to just introduce their kids to someone they just met . I know it was a second gathering, but not the 2nd month even in knowing her. My guess is this woman is sitting at the bar again waiting for the next guy to come along and give her the next ride, which is really a risky, dangerous thing for her to do. She could end up with some sex offender, etc. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:34:01 PM | Inviting her kids for a day out with a guy she barely knows, that was a crass as it gets and a signal to me that she was more interested in the fact that you owned a car than anything.
Though my first red flag would have been that you kept running into a mother of that many kids at the bar. She should be home with hr kids, not out looking for a sucker to drive them around.
You were not a jerk. You made a sensible, wise, prudent decision to not risk HER children's safety.
Move on. You apparently have a good heart if you were willing to go that far. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:34:32 PM | | She's bad news at best. You're lucky to have escaped! I feel sorry for her kids if she's going to subject them to situations like that just because she was making presumptions she had absolutely no reason to make. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:34:47 PM | eeeeeeeerrrrrr............. no,
1. if that was me i would make sure the guy was comfortable with me having six kids before we met, not just picking them up and meeting them whenever
2. yeh u let the kids down, but if she was honest with you, would u have met her or would you have arranged for a bus before u went to pick them up??
either way safety comes first and if i had kids i WOULD NOT let them travel without seat belts so no matter what u think u did or ur friends think u did, at the end of the day you did the right thing.
best of luck on the site toots xxx  | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:36:25 PM | No, you are not a jerk, yes, you did what was right.
Yes, she was a pushy, presumptuous woman.
A couple of kids? Six is really more like a herd. And any woman who would pack up her kids to go on a day trip with a guy she hardly knows, is either stupid, or insane. In fact, any woman who introduces her kids to a guy that soon, is bonkers.
I am sure she can find some kindly child molester with a minivan. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:40:19 PM | | OP you handled it better than I would have cause I would have laid into that woman as soon as she got off the phone with the babysitter and kids. Perhaps that is the only time you were a jerk and in my opinion you were being a jerk to yourself. So keep on keepin on man you sound like a guy that these women will love. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:46:07 PM | | Who cares what u thought of first. You just met the girl! She shouldn't have invited her children along. It sounded like she was more concerned about getting a ride to the lake then getting to know you. I have a five year old daughter myself, and i wouldn't even think about bringing my daughter to spend the day with someone i dont really know myself. Think yourself lucky! you got out in time, especially with her reaction to it all. you would think that she would be concerned for the children too. Anyways , you'll find someone better than that. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:53:08 PM | Thanks for the responses - I especially like the response in message #2. That one was good - and most matches my own thinking on it.
I figured I was thinking right but after a number of people I know didn't see it, I started to wonder.
I also wondered about the car and came to the same conclusion - she was looking for a guy with a car. I thought it was odd that she never spoke much about the "couple of" kids, although I didn't figure the reason was was because she had six. I do think she was just looking for a guy to take her and the family out on a day trip with his car - that's why she kept quiet on the number. Also probably why she jumped on that phone so fast.
I don't consider it a loss. We only had a couple of dates and two were chance meetings, so there was no real emotional attachments at that point. Thanks folks. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:56:05 PM | | Nah, you were not a jerk. You went above and beyond the call of duty considering the circumstances, and were as accommodating as possible. You didn't let her kids down, she did. Instead of driving around town, you should have driven her to the clinic to have her tubes tied. She's definitely an unfit mother and should cease reproducing. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:01:20 PM | Nope, not a jerk in the least. The opinions above bear that out.
Maybe you need new friends? | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:11:11 PM | | Absolutely not a jerk...I commend you for the thought process and completely agree with the decision that was made. Shame on her for her willingness to put her kids in danger in a potential fatal situation. I am in Law Enforcement and coming from my perspective, I really don't want to attend an accident with six kids involved, either seriously injured or God forbid something worse. I believe that her assuming that it was fine to take six kids was a little ridiculous, not to mention that you don't really know her and she is introducing you to her children right of the bat. Apparently there is no father figure in the children's lives if she jumps to you meeting her children right away...I am not a Mother however any "potential" man that I would get to know better and possibly "date", would not be introduced to my children unless I knew the man was going to be around for the long run... | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:12:08 PM | First, I don't think you were a jerk.
I think you were right.
As for not thinking of the safety of the kids first - you aren't a parent, they aren't YOUR kids - thinking of kids' safety is not part of your constant thought process.
I think she is a jerk and a user. You don't spring SIX kids on a second date... which really was a FIRST date. Driving around was kind of, sort of a date... but not really - more a spur of the moment get together.
She knew her kids would not all legally fit in your car. She knew the laws for her kids - and quite honestly, there is no way 8 people would fit in a car with two car seats - not even taking into consideration seat belts.
Running FAR away from this woman was the smartest move you could have made. Kudos. | |
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Deni30
| | Joined: 5/29/2007
Msg: 21 | |
| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:23:50 PM | | What! I in NO way see how you were a jerk- if anything SHE was, assuming her children (SIX! With that many kids she ought to have known your car didn't have the room and it was VERY rude of her to impose any kids on you- not to mention poor judgment to introduce her children to a man she barely knows!) were invited! That is just bizarre and plain old rude. You were forced into a bad spot and I'm sure you felt awful in addition to being bewildered by her inappropriate behavior. What did she think- you were a taxi? Sheesh! You were just trying to be nice! | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:25:27 PM | Hank,
You're not a jerk and you did what I would of,there's no way two adults and six kids could fit safely in my car.I can't believe she got mad at you for thinking of their safety,she sounds like a user and thought you were a free bus ride.
BTW:when I hear "a couple of kids" I think of two not the Brady Bunch,she clearly lied and is not worth your time. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:27:45 PM | What is sad about this is that woman knew the size of your car, the needs of her children and SHE didn't care enough about her own children to make safety a priority.
Good for you for standing your ground for saying no. Good for you for offering to do something else and not leave them high and dry. It's not the fines that are the point, but the safety of children in vehicles.
It's a shame your friends don't know that what you did was right. The woman sounds like she's not all that concerned about being stable. | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:31:20 PM | Congratulate yourself. You just got rid of a user.  | |
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| Was I a jerk?
Posted: 7/27/2007 6:43:07 PM | | Jerk? Are you kidding? Someone said selfish. What? Not even remotely. There was only one selfish person in that story, and it wasn't you. Poor kids. Poor you (I wouldn't have even been as patient as you, by offering to have the cookout). Strange woman. SHE caused her kids that grief, but I'm betting they'll have worse experiences than that disappointment before she's done dragging them up. | |
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