Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why are some people so non-emotional?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 mysticparadise
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 1
Why are some people so non-emotional?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Recently I've been dating this one guy who seems so non-emotional. He has a hard time showing his emotions but yet he talks about committment, love, loyalty, how he wants a forever relationship with me. However there's one part missing he doesn't show his emotions so it's hard to tell what he's thinking. He always tells me that he has a hard time talking and communicating with anyone and he doesn't have any friends. He never wants me to leave him but yet he doesn't want to break down in front of me ever. Is he playing a power trip on me? I always see that he's not emotional around his family either. I love his ethics but I like it when a guy can be vulnerable as I am vulnerable for him. Anyone have any problems? and any suggestions for getting a guy to break down in front of you?
 forumfish1967
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 2
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:12:39 PM
I have no suggestions for getting a guy to break down in front of you.
I think it is a weird demand.
There will be lots of opportunites for emotional expression other than breaking down.
Breaking down does not show vulnerability. It shows that someone is very hurt, angry, sad and it is weird that you need to see this extreme.
I think you are the 1 having the power trip.
 steph1973
Joined: 4/5/2007
Msg: 3
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:17:37 PM
Some people are just like that. Both men and women tend to hide emotions sometimes. I wouldn't let anyone see me upset unless it became too much at any given time. I prefer to deal with my emotions in private and by myself.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:18:44 PM
The same reason that some people are so emotional.... everyone is different, life is a grab bag, etc.
 NeedMojo
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 5
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:21:57 PM
This would be a huge red flag for me. I married emotional blackholes, and if you want a lonely life, go for it.
 2wheel
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:22:56 PM
I'm just guessing but I would think this guy is shy?

His own family is not very demonstrative?

I'm thinking he lacks a bit of self-confidence?

So if that is correct then it will be a difficult job to try to change him and actually why should you even try?

Best to accept who he is and be supportive. I think he may come around a bit when he is more comfortable with your relationship.

Sounds like you are opposites and that may be part of the attraction?

If that's not for you then you have a decision to make.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:27:00 PM
Some men are also trained from a very young age that men aren't overly expressive.
 mysticparadise
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 8
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:30:58 PM
Unfortunately the only emotion my guy knows how to show is his anger. Deep down inside I think he's hurt when certain things happen in our relationship but if I do something he doesn't like he'll just question me constantly but never tell me how he's feeling deep down inside. He tells me that he's working on showing his emotions. To tell you the truth I wasn't ever too much of a real emotional person until I met him. I thought it would only be fair if I showed my emotions to him that way he would know how much I care for him... I guess I expect something in return but it's not coming. I want so bad to find a way to get him to be emotional because to tell you the truth I never thought I was an emotional person until I met him... I remember an ex boyfriend I had and he would cry even if I didn't just give him a hug... I'm sort of starting to miss my ex boyfriend and having thoughts of him instead of my current.. My ex boyfriend wasn't good for me though and I like the new guy a whole hell of a lot more. But should I dump a perfectly good relationship? just because my guy has a hard time expressing himself but he wants to be able to...
 Dog Mommy
Joined: 7/11/2005
Msg: 9
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:33:16 PM
I dated a dude like that...I finally realized I did not want to date a robot
 Mystic Magic
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 10
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:34:00 PM
Personally, I am very uncomfortable when a man falls apart in front of,,,especially if I just started seeing him,,,,especially if it were not for something really big.... like a death in the family,,, I really don't see that as a downfall at all. The fact that he saves the big emotions for big moments is a plus in my eyes.

He is telling you he wants to be with you, I think he's showing you he wants to be with you. The most important thing is though, you are having a problem with this. Maybe it's you and not him. Maybe he's just not the one for you and you are using this as an excuse.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:35:47 PM
If you want constant emotional imput then you have the wrong guy. The fact that he can show anger and tries to pry information out of you tells me that he has plenty of emotion but being pissed off covers most of them. The fact that he has no friends is the big red flag. That is not normal for a young man.
 bds1976
Joined: 1/20/2007
Msg: 12
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:41:17 PM
We've been trained to be non-emotional from birth.

We cry on the schoolground, we're called sissies or told big boys don't cry.
We act on our aggression, we're kicked out of school or embarrassed.
We explain our feelings to girls and they laugh at us and walk away.
We joke around, we're told not to act up.

Our entire childhood we are told to not be ourselves that by the time we're adults,
we get to this semi-emotionless state because every time as a child that we acted or expressed our emotions, we were yelled at, scolded or laughed at.

And it's even worse today. Instead of all the above, now they just say here, "take this pill" if you try to act like a boy which totally kills a boys emotions.
 PaulaByTheSea
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 13
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:44:30 PM
Unless this guy is extremely shy, I would watch it, dear! This smells bad all the way to Norway.
Is he quite a few years older than you maybe?
 mysticparadise
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 14
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:56:54 PM
My guy is 25 years old.. I am 20- and he just got over having anti-social personality disorder but I think he still sort of has it.. so he's extremely shy and comes from a different culture than I do.. he's korean.. I'm not sure if people know about koreans that much? He was mostly raised by his dad and his mom is always trying to sponge money off of him. I want to make sure that I can find a way to make this work between us unless I seriously consider calling it off. He's such a great guy- has a very deep soul.. well mannered... parents like him very much matter of fact I go camping with my parents and him... so it's a hard decision to make- I don't have any real huge reasons to leave and I'm on this site because deep down inside I almost want to leave him but he's a rare find almost like a diamond in the rough.. All of my friends like him a lot and they never liked any of my other ex's before... I keep feeling bad because I keep thinking about other guys and thinking about other guys who sing romance songs... It's like a complete romantic at heart and I can see he's trying to be but it's not quite doing it for me.
 SeattleRob
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 2:59:37 PM
I might have some relevant experience here. OP, you sound like an amazing person to be putting so much into this relationship while not getting what you need back. But there is hope.

Underneath that anger are a whole slew of emotions that he's having, but not acknowledging. Yeah, it sounds like psychobabble, but after a year of counseling, I realize just what he's going through. There's a fine line between having avoidant personality traits, and it being a disorder that could prevent him connecting with anyone. My soon-to-be ex is on her third year of counseling/therapy, and still refuses to express/show emotions.

If he feels hurt, betrayed, ignored, used, etc. and can't express it to you, it's just going to sit there and simmer until it comes out in unhealthy ways (anger). It sounds like you're a very empathetic person if you can feel that hurt inside him, but you can't let yourself fall into the trap of trying to guess what he's feeling.

The good news is it may not be all that hard for him to learn how to express himself. The basics of how people turn out like that have been understood for decades so you don't have to find an expensive psychotherapist/shrink. Relationship counselors deal with this all the time, and have many different ways of helping him understand why he avoids those feelings instead of facing them.

The main point is, you can't fix him. But if you love him, and he's willing to work on himself for the relationship, you can end up having an amazing, lifelong relationship. If he's not willing, you're better to get out now and find someone who's both good to you, and emotionally available.

Best of luck,
 paradoxdreamer
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 16
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:06:42 PM
You're incredibly beautiful, so finding a guy that is more emotionally compatable with you shouldn't be hard to do. I know a lot of people don't really seem to take into consideration that emotional connection is as important as physical attraction, but I personally think it is. Last gal I dated for about two months was well, reserved to a fault. I don't mind shyness, I think a shy, bashful woman is just so adorable, I could fall head over heels in love with a gal like that. But feeling as if I'm trying to reach out emotionally to someone that makes me feeling those vibes sent her way is hitting a brick wall, that she's just well, more robot then human, then yeah, I have concerns. I'm attracted to emotionally open women, open books really, and if you're the same, don't settle for less, you'll only get frustrated down the road. Thinking to yourself, "Does he care? Why doesn't he show that?" So... It's up to you, just know the risks you're taking.
 mlm_mlm_mlm
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 17
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:19:40 PM
msg 14... how does one "just get over" having anti-social personality disorder?
did he have a personality transplant?
 SeattleRob
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:21:26 PM
Oh, and you originally asked why are some people so non-emotional?

Usually due to their parents. Think about it. If you grow up around people that can express their emotions, and validate yours, you develop a healthy self esteem, know who you are, and are comfortable sharing how you feel. If you don't get that as a child, it gets harder and harder to do as you get older and more protective.

Something you might try is talking with him about basic human emotions (happy, sad, fear, anger, disgust, surprise, curiosity, acceptance) and ask him to pay attention to how he feels during the day. Have him share which ones he felt at the end of the day. This will take weeks/months of practice.
Point out that of all of those emotions, only "happy" is a really pleasant feeling.
Make sure he knows that it is OK to have those other feelings too.
Validate him when he does express how he feels.

"Connecting" with another person means being able to share these emotions with each other. The more you share the same feelings about the same things, the deeper the connection will be.
 PaulaByTheSea
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 19
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:23:30 PM
My guy is 25 years old.. I am 20- and he just got over having anti-social personality disorder but I think he still sort of has it


Nobody recovers from "anti-social personality disorder." Please google it!!!
It seems to me your intuition is doing it's job. Take care
 Baco Negg
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 20
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:27:38 PM
Nobody is non-emotional. Some people are reserved. You describe a situation where you have strong feelings and want him to show you the same in return, so you try to get him to break down and be as vulnerable as you feel, so you can control things because you are afraid. Poking him with a stick will provoke a response but not one you want to see.
 mlm_mlm_mlm
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 21
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:29:29 PM
Sounds like you want him to perform as you like...
maybe you should consider a miniture poodle... I hear they can be
trained to sit up and beg, play dead... sit up pretty, dance, etc.......

I'm sure the investment of your time training the dog would be worth more than trying to train that man to perform as you like.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 22
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:34:32 PM

he just got over having anti-social personality disorder


To the best of my knowledge, a personality disorder is a permanent condition - not something that someone "get's over". It is not even manageable with medication except in a dual diagnosis circumstance and then only effectively with the secondary diagnosis (or Axis I diagnosis if the A/S Pd is secondary).

If you are involved with someone telling you he has gotten over it, I encourage to do the research these disorders yourself. These are a form of psychosis.

You may find this link interesting as well as enlightening:

http://faculty.ncwc.edu/toconnor/428/428lect16.htm

 mysticparadise
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 23
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:47:59 PM
well he's definately not malicous the only anti-social personality tendancy he has is that he panicks whenever we go somewhere where there's a bunch of people. He tells me he is so afraid of losing me- I'm not expecting him to become emotional in one day however I guess some people are just a lot better at communicating their feelings then other people. He is interested in looking at relationship books with me. Does anyone have any good relationship book? on how to open up and be honest with your partner about how you are feeling? I know I'm not perfect either...
 nigelwright
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 24
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 3:58:16 PM
He is just himself, dont try to change people.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 25
Why are some people so non-emotional?
Posted: 8/1/2007 4:02:47 PM
Mystic - please trust me on this. Do your own research. These individuals are brilliantly manipulative. You are "seeing" what he wants you to see.

Do your own research independent of what he tells you. Actually, if I were in your position, I'd request that he sign a release for you to talk to his psychiatrist and you follow-through on talking with his psychiatrist - independent of the BF being there. If you proceed without researching this yourself and making an independent, informed choice - you can never go back later and say that no one warned you. I didn't get that warning at age 18 - you won't be able to make the same claim.

Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why are some people so non-emotional?