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Show ALL Forums  > California  > Seeing my first love again after 30 years.      Home login  
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 Youjustlikeheaven
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 1
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.Page 1 of 1    
Need help here. I was searching through some old class year books. Then I joined one of those find "your classmates on-line". I saw that the brother of my first real love was there so I asked about his sister, just to see how she was and how was her life. Well he gave me her e-mail address. We have been talking and e-mailing. I'm in California, her in Connecticut. I'm single, she's married. So I thought I would listen to her tell me about her perfect husband and how wonderful her life is. Then take care,bye,bye.
Well just the oppisite. She is in a dysfunctional relationship but is just to afraid to leave. He is mentally absusive. She is in counseling. I have been through the pain of divorce so I have been trying to give her the best advice and encouragment I can. I live my life with grace and would never want to get between the failing relationship of another. Here lies the problem. Our conversations together are very comfortable and it feels as though there may be something there after 30 years, or at least if she were single, I would like to get together to see if we still "fit". I think she feels the same. I told her "out right" that I can not come between her marriage. I am a Christen man. I have tried to encourage her to continue counseling (he refuses). She has told me about searching the area where I live on a goggle map, looking for work in the area in her profession, and possibly leaving her husband. Am I in big trouble here? What happens if she shows up at my door? I couldn't live with the idea I broke her marriage up. Any advice???? After 30 years, we really don't even know each other......but.....it would be nice if we could examine, what if.
 Billbutler8
Joined: 3/12/2005
Msg: 2
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Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 1:24:53 PM
I'd be supportive and be her friend. I would draw the line there. I would in no way be looking at getting involved with her even if she did leave her husband (which if it is so bad she ought to, especially if he is refusing counseling.)

After 30 years of an abusive relationship? She has some major damage done to her heart and soul, and way too much baggage.

My advise - run as far and as fast as you can from the idea of developing a close relationship with her.She needs women friends for support and guidance on this.

- if you can be a supportive friend, do so, but be careful to draw boundaries and guard your heart. This is a scenario in which doing that is nearly impossible for the average person.

WWJD?
Well, since you are a Christian, if you don't know what to do , you know of a Book you can look it up in- there are clear instructions there for you.

Additionally, considering you are a Christian - pray for her.
 JackDiamond312
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 3
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Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 1:27:23 PM
First off, You can't break something that is already broken.

Also, remember, only my opinion.

But a few things. Sounds she has been wanting to leave this guy already, Abuse is never good, Physical or mental. She does need to stand up. And who knows , maybe your the help she needs? But if her marriage was only a little rocky and can be fixed with the counseling she is getting, You could be a distraction. One other thing. Before she even thinks about un-rooting herself and moving out here, you should meet and really see if it is what you both really want. Cause if she does, and you don't... Who knows, Her... Your life's could take a step back. Are there kids involved?

You say it would be nice to examine, what if? Maybe thats all you need to think.... Examine.... Meet

It does suck to break up a marriage..... But sucky marriages break-up all the time.

I hope you figure out the right thing to do.
 Karen5
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 4
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 1:27:29 PM
Well, here's what I (a total stranger who doesn't know you or her or the husband and none of you know me) think. I'd run, not walk, from this situation. She's got to figure things out for herself and, if she leaves her husband, she's going to have to do some healing and continued therapy. I'd stay out of it and maybe one day she'll look you up when she's ready to be in a relationship again. In my opinion, a relationship with her now would be based on a very poor foundation.

But I could be completely wrong. Follow your heart - but follow your mind and gut as well. Or, at least, two out of the three.
 JackDiamond312
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 5
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Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 1:32:57 PM
Both what Karen and Bill say are very good, It is nice to see some clear minded thinkers on here.

and Karen, my favorite saying is... "Let your Mind Surrender to the Wisdom of your Heart".
 califboomergirl
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 6
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 1:34:36 PM
Remember, that who she is NOW is very different from the person she was 30 years ago. Don't make the mistake of romanticising who she is based on memory, internet and phone contact or imagination. The only way to know who she is now is by spending time with her, which I do not see as very feasible since she is married to someone else. As the others have said, even if she leaves her husband of her own volition, she still will need much time away from ANY relationship to heal and recover and find herself again. It has taken me 2 years to recover from only a 3 year emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. 30 years of abuse is going to take much more time.

As a Christian, I would advise you to seek counseling yourself from your pastor or other mature believer about the situation so that you have a spiritual covering over your head and do not end up seduced into a spiritual trap.

Be a friend to her, but do not fall into the trap of coveting another man's wife, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship.

The one thing I see is that this situation needs TIME and prayer more than anything else.

Blessings on your house.
 Billbutler8
Joined: 3/12/2005
Msg: 7
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Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 1:37:11 PM
"Let your Mind Surrender to the Wisdom of your Heart"

I have never heard this phrased so simply and wonderfully -

very true.

sometimes we know the answer - our intuition (heart) will clearly speak...

I think it is very easy to look at a situation when you are detached from it and give good advice and direction. That is why counseling and therapy is very important in these type of situations.

These discussion boards can also be a useful tool as well.

Thanks, Jack- I appreciate your kind words. My sediments toward you as well and it is great to see your posts.
 Karen5
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 8
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 1:50:48 PM
sediments? Freudian slip?

I've noticed lots of thoughtful and quality posts today in the CA forum including yours, Jack. It is very refreshing. Thanks to all who contributed today. :)
 Sactowndude
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 9
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 7:54:55 PM
She's married,have her call you when she's divorced and out of the house.If she is truly unhappy with her husband she will leave him.Anything other than talking about old times is off-limits.
 o4
Joined: 4/7/2007
Msg: 10
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 8:31:49 PM
Youjustlikeheaven,
You nailed it in your original post; you indeed could be in real trouble, but on the other hand, you also could be in such a fantastic postion to do His work too. In your post however, you did not mention if she is Christian, or if her husband is, or if for that matter if her brother that you spoke to is either. These items will be big factors in where you go from here, and how you might handle issues.

First, for you, before all else, go back to Numbers and Deuteronomy to those two tablets that Moses brought down from the mountain. Under no circumstances can you covet another man's wife. That in and of itself should be enough to let you know how you need to handle this situtation in a way that would be becoming to Christ that you proclaim to be a follower of. But if that's not enough by itself; since you were old sweethearts, be reminded that you had your chance with her first, and for some reason it didn't work out. There's a message in that outcome too.

Second, since you are divorced, you will be able to relate to this too. She is telling you that her marriage is on the rocks, and that divorce may be immenenat. She is telling you 'her side of the story' and that he is mentally abusive to her, and is not attending counseling with her (again, secular or Christian???). My mesage to you here is not to say that all Christian's are perfect, nor that all Christian marriages can/will survive, ...but I want to ask you to think back to your own desparate divorcing days. Christian or not, she needs a hand right now. Yours might be the best hand to give to her, but pray about what kind of hand you want it to be; one in brotherhood and fellowship, or one with 'strings'.

Third, I'd like to remind you to go back to Jesus' words. There are really only one or two reasons for divorce for believers (again, we don't know who all is and isn't from your post). By the time you add in Paul's writings, you can also conclude that unequally yoked partners should also let their non-believing partners go! (as hard to believe as that sounds.....get into Corinthians for a review). Remember those reasons and circumstances and I'm sure you will have a good guide.

Finally, for you, think to spend some time with your pastor or other church counselor. A few meetings with them might clean a lot of thoughts and confusing situations up for you. Then pray each morning for her and her husband, and throw in a prayer for YOUR ex too while you're at it, and I'm certain you'll be on your way to His better plan.

o4
 Captivating2
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 11
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/6/2007 9:22:29 PM
It's impossible to "start" a new relationship with someone who isn't finished with theirs. The best chance you can give yourself is an unfettered beginning. Think how hard and statistically limiting it is to maintain a steady and enduring relationship these days. The divorce rates are ridiculous in our country.

If it's meant to be and follows your Christian values then it will wait and unfold in a way that matches your heart and head.
 Ender
Joined: 2/1/2004
Msg: 12
Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/7/2007 2:28:22 AM
Trying to rekindle a relationship from 30 years ago (not to mention from over 3000 miles away) is a huge **** up.



As for the whole "she is considering leaving her husband and looking for work in your area" thing.....well come on man. You can't be so dense as to fail to see the issues that are going to come from that little situation.


You say you are christian huh? Well maybe you should practice what you preach and really REALLY try to help this woman fix her marriage instead of entertaining idea's about hooking up with someone you had a crush on 3 decades ago. I mean marriage is a fairly important thing in my book, and I'm not even a jesus junkie.
 NerdStatus
Joined: 1/9/2007
Msg: 13
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Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/7/2007 4:39:52 PM

I couldn't live with the idea I broke her marriage up. Any advice????

This is just silly. Her marriage was in the crapper long before you got there.

As far as figuring out if there's still a spark? Well... I highly recommend backing off and giving her time to process her divorce (if it happens). She'll have hurt feelings, and you don't want to be the rebound guy. Take your time, and see where it goes.
 serenity2b
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 14
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Seeing my first love again after 30 years.
Posted: 8/7/2007 9:01:01 PM
Hmm, it's a bit of a conundrum...

Isolate the issues first.

She is in a very bad relationship, and needs a hand out. Offering that hand (without expectations) could be one of the truest act's of friendship you could possible ever give.

Her relationship effectively ended when she entered counseling and her SO refused. There is obviously a problem there, one that she feels she can not overcome on her own.

So what would a friend do? offer advice, support, and assistance.

If you are "stealing her away from him" then you are not only kidding yourself, but setting yourself up to be just a rebound relationship.

If you offer friendship, and help out with the intent of just being that kind of good person, you may or may not end up with a relationship out of it.

If you do however, it will be a truly strong one.

If you don't, the world is still a much better place, just for one small act of kindness.

Just my thoughts. Best of luck to ya.

--Serenity
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